Noah at one month
We had a reunion with the families and counselors from our grief class on Monday night. We were really happy to see everyone because it had been almost a month and a half since our class ended. Like one of the moms said on Monday night, it was a stark contrast from our first gathering where we were all bawling to the night of the 28th where we were genuinely happy to see each other and the tears weren't flowing as freely. We talked about our children as many of us had either our children's birthdays on earth or in heaven since we had last met, but we also talked of other things...a thought that was refreshing because when you lose someone you love, you wonder if you'll ever be able to talk of other things. You wonder if you should. You wonder if in doing so, are you 'forgetting' the one you lost. 'Forgetting' is not an option, but the devil tries to make you crazy thinking that you actually could. Impossible.
Anyway, after our reunion, missing Noah hit me hard. Last night I couldn't fall asleep. I held my pillow as if it were Noah, spooning him in his hospital bed as we did so many hours. I was angry. I was sad. I was pissed that my pillow was filled with hypo-allergenic bamboo fibers and not the skin and bones of my freaking adorable son that I loved spooning!
Someone said the other day something to the effect that God knew what was best so He took our child. (I don't doubt God knows what is best...) I think that may comfort others, but for people who may already have a chip on their shoulders against God, can you see how that isn't comforting at all!?^#$%* Yeah, God thought it was 'good for us' so He took Noah (or insert your kid's name here) from our lives...no. I think it's more like the whole other 90% thing...well, actually, for God, it's 100%. He sees the whole picture, past, present, and future. Noah, like all of us, was part of that picture. Did God know we would make it through life without Noah physically with us? Yes. Was He trying to be a big meanie to teach us a lesson? No. Does He know something we don't? Obviously. Does that help in the times when I don't feel like being a mom to one out of the three children He allowed to grace our lives? Actually, it does. It helps bring perspective back into my life and helps me be a mom to the wonderful girl that I love loving, who needs my loving everyday. It doesn't make me miss him less. It just brings hope. Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I am sure I hope for Heaven. I am certain it is real. I am positive I am going, and when I get there, I will see that Noah's face is as sweet as it was here on earth.