Monday, February 18, 2008

My show and tell




For my birthday in January Jason and Em wrote me a letter from Noah that said I got to pick out a special bracelet with his name on it. I searched but could not find anything that would do justice to the imprint Noah left on my heart. I am a very visual person, so I did a search on line for "sterling photo jewelry" and a site came up that is right here in the greater Denver area. It's called Kimbra Studios. Here's the link: http://www.kimbrastudios.com/ Being technically challenged, I couldn't just send the pictures I wanted via email. Em and I drove over to the store, with my computer in hand, and worked with the ladies to make the amazing bracelet you see above in the pictures. It is even waterproof, though there's no way that will be on while I swim! Anyway, I just wanted to share my show and tell. The bracelet has already started conversations where God's name was glorified and Noah's story shared.

The bracelet was completed two days before I left for Mexico. I was very grateful because I had been experiencing a time in my grief that I did not enjoy or treasure at all. For over a month Noah hadn't even seemed like a memory. The thought of him wasn't real anymore. I know that sounds strange, but I kept asking God if he really had existed in our lives. The memories of life physically with Noah seemed as if they were trapped in time and I hated each day that felt that way.

My breaking point came the first day we were laying on the beach in Punta de Mita. I had my Zune and was listening to 'Third Day's' song 'Offering'. My ears were pooling salt water but it wasn't from the ocean! I was mad that God hadn't taken me up on my offer of taking me instead of Noah. I was jealous that He was hanging out with our kid and not me! Thoughts of how noble it is that I wanted God to take me instead of Noah flooded my mind...how a child should never be buried by a parent but a child should always outlast their parent on earth...how sweet and beautiful and yummy my boy was...if I could just have a few more minutes with him...
And then the thought hit me like a whale jumping out of the ocean...It wasn't noble of me to want God to take me instead of Noah...it was selfish. Now don't get offended! I don't know of any parent who wouldn't die for their child. That is the part about parenting that is mind boggling! One day you are walking along, pregnant with a total stranger in your belly or anticipating the arrival of your very own adoptive child. You literally know your next door neighbor or the teller at the bank better than your own offspring. And then, WHAMMO! Suddenly you are in love with your kid, this little crinkly creature that poops and cries, and you know even though God says, "Do not kill", that you might consider disobeying this particular commandment, just this once...and every other opportunity that arises thereafter.

No. It's the heaven part I'm talking about here. As I laid on the beach, sobbing and missing my guy, listening to this song about offering our lives to the Lord, God showed me that it wasn't that He didn't want me, that I wasn't a good enough offering, but that His timing has more to do with life here on earth than my 10% can comprehend. By His grace, He also allowed me to see that when I continue to change my perspective to think outside the box, wanting Noah to out live me here on earth is good and noble and genuine and everything, but death in Christ is not death at all, but eternal life, and that Noah truly is living abundantly. It doesn't make me miss him less, but it's the peace that guards my heart from the enemies attempts on it.

I used to fear death. I used to think that it was the worst thing that could ever happen...then Jesus Christ's death on the cross and resurrection from the grave became a reality in my life and set my heart free.

20 comments:

  1. That's a beautiful bracelet! Thank you for sharing. I am praying for you.

    Annie ~ lovejoelr.blogspot.com

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  2. I love your new bracelet. I will pray for even that piece of special jewelry to bring you comfort and glory to God as you treasure Noah through it.
    As for death/Heaven and grief as a parent. You know I understand all too well many of the same thoughts, questions, concerns. I too sometimes feel like Teagan was 'a dream' and that maybe my mind is just making her up. But my heart remembers and still has a spot that aches and longs for her in such a real way. I too used to ask God why He didn't 'take' all my family at once when He had the chance?! But I've learned to submit to His ways and to quit questioning. And He has ALWAYS had the chance to do whatever, to ALLOW whatever, to give mercy to me in ways I do not deserve. I am beginning to see now how it was truly an amazing act of mercy and Love- for God to allow Teagan to die. He loved her infinitely more than I could. Just as He loves Noah more than you. Yet He has allowed their lives to end physically- all the while fully understanding the pain and agony we would bear. Yet He allowed it anyway. SO I am beginning to understand that God must have a plan and a purpose so amazing- so beyond me- that all I must do is follow. Trusting that when we get to Heaven it will all make perfect sense. And we will thank God for His ways- even though they have brought much heartache and despair here on earth. In a single moment in Heaven, all our pain will be erased and we will simply have eternity to spend praising God- who is so worthy.
    Even when we are selfish and don't understand. {I hope this makes sense to you when you read it. My heart is speaking...not my head. =)} Love to you, Jason and Em. As always.

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  3. It's breathtakingly beautiful.

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  4. Anonymous9:27 PM

    Thanks for another wonderful blog entry. You always touch my heart and I LOVE the bracelet!
    Jill

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  5. your braclet is beautiful...because of the photos and love shown there.

    i love your 'revelation' on the beach. i am certain that God will continue the 'good work' He started with the very conception of noah. He will continue to be revealed in many ways not only to you, jason and emily, but to the many who've fallen in love with all four of you.

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  7. Wow! What a BEAUTIFUL bracelet Adrienne!! I bet your new bracelet will open up the door to tell Noah's story over and over again.How wonderful!! Just want to say I choked up when I read this entry because it seems sometimes that you kinda have it all figured out and that you're soooo very strong..(which i know you are by the way) but then you write something like this letting us know the unbearable pain that you still feel with not having your baby boy here physically with you. I guess I'm just trying to say I am sooo very happy that your faith is so strong that you're able to wake up everyday and share your heart with us the way you do. It gives me hope that if ever I am facing what you are living at this very moment, I will handle it the way you have. Oh and just to let ya know, my kiddos say yours, Jason's, Em's, and Noah's name everyday in their prayers! It's so sweet to listen to them..

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  8. All I can say is WOW. You know me, I am a person of little words but really, WOW!!! I had never thought of it that way but really when you think about it, Noah is the lucky one. He is pain free, worry free, gets to hang out with Jesus and we are still stuck here. I don't think the memory of him is going away, I think it just doesn't sting so much anymore and now is a wonderful memory of him. Praying for you and love the bracelet too!!!

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  9. Adrienne,

    Your bracelet is marvelous, but when it comes to jewelry, dear sister, you ain't seen nothin' yet.

    "When He cometh, when He cometh to make up His jewels. All His jewels, precious jewels; His loved and His own. Like the stars of the morning, His bright crown adorning; They shall shine in their beauty, His loved and His own. Little children, little children who love their Redeemer, are His jewels, precious jewels, His loved and His own. Like the stars of the morning His bright crown adorning, they shall shine in their beauty, His loved and His own."

    Gratefully,

    Milt

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  10. Anonymous12:32 PM

    Absolutely beautiful bracelet! I still love reading the blog and hearing about your life.

    Angie

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  11. Anonymous1:36 PM

    Adrienne, the bracelet is gorgeous and you are so beautiful for sharing the words and works of the Lord with all of us daily. You never cease to amaze me with your entries and I always find myself wanting just a little bit more what God is offering to me, if only I take it.

    Noah and your family have gotten me some of my darkest moments with death and endings in my own family and I am so thankful that I have been blessed by not only you sharing your story of Noah, but of Noah, Jason, you and sweet little Emily!

    Thank you again for speaking your mind and your heart and for allowing me to grow in my relationship with God. I don't think I would have without this blog and your family!

    Tammi~

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  12. I cannot imagine how much you treasure the bracelet. It's gorgeous.
    -Shannon in Austin

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  13. heidi jo8:29 PM

    what a beautiful beautiful keepsake. i think i'll bookmark their website.. just lovely for you to have something so beautiful to wear in honor of your family. :)

    heidi jo w
    oru 91-93

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  14. Adrienne- Thank you so much for sharing your life... your joy, your pain, your reflection time with the Lord.... so transparantly. You have touched an unbelievable, (unfathonable, I'm sure!) amount of people through your words. God has used you in countless ways through your blog and through your sharing of the wisdom, lessons and TRUTHS that he has shown you through the journey of the life of your son. Someday, when you are in heaven, I think you will be surprised at the number of people who "know" you... your words are FAR reaching and their impact, even greater.

    Thank you.

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  15. I LOVE reading your blog....I came across a few months ago. You are so strong!

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  16. Anonymous1:41 PM

    Adrienne,
    I have followed you blog since days before Noah went to Heaven, after Meaghan mentioned the need for prayers on her site. I think I have commented here once before, mostly I lurk, I never know the right words to say. I have really struggled with my faith for a long time and your site has given me a lot to think about.
    I am working hard to find a way to turn my life back over to God, I just really struggle to do so. I amcurrently reading "No Ordinary Child" and it is an amazing book. I am going to try going back to church this Sunday as I have felt some pulling in that direction.
    Anyway, none of that is why I am finally posting after over a year of lurking. Today on my way to work I was listening to a radio talk show about the upcoming funeral of Brianna, a young girl killed up north in Reno. The host of the talk show was talking to a woman from a church that was going to protest the funeral. Her reasoning for this was that God sent the person to kill this girl because she was bad. It would take all day to type all the crazy ideas she had but basically it went like this:
    Because society lets girls act like they do on "Girls Gone Wild" God is making this girl pay, and she was a druken slut that night also. God handpicked this evil man to attack this young girl because she was really and evil person and it was to teach society a lesson.
    Hmmm! I may not be up on my Bible, I can only quote a handful of scriptures, but I think this might be a little skewed. Just wondering what your thoughts might be on this.
    I hope it is ok to post this here, but you have been such a guiding person on this journey of mine I thought you might be able to add some insight to this persons strange point of view.
    Sorry this was so lengthy.
    Debbie
    debbieh5@hotmail.com

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  17. Beautiful post, Adrienne. I just LOVE your bracelet. How awesome.

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  18. Anonymous7:18 AM

    Adrienne

    Oh...when I saw your braclet I was so touched I began to cry....how beautiful!! How it captures your heart. I never even thought of a braclet like that of my little one.
    Just breathtaking of Noah & your life on earth with him.
    Adrienne your words touch me dee3ply.....I can actually feel you heart in them and I can relate.
    I GET what you are feeling cause I know it too. Especially the part
    about was he REALLY HERE Lord?
    That part scared me too....I did not want to forget my baby. It felt like my mind was playing the biggest trick of all on me. It made me feel like my heart and my memories were dying.
    Your words are beautiful Adrienne and I still love to read Noah's blog and hear your heart.
    I just wanted you to know that I am still out here and I understand and I care.
    Love,
    Lynda Bishop
    NEW e-mail addy:
    thebishopswife@att.net

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  19. Beautiful beautiful BEAUTIFUL! Ans i understand that "was she real?" thing. I've had the same wonderings on occasion... but the ache is still so real at times that she couldn't have been a mirage.

    I also loved your book report below... can't wait to read it.

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  20. Anonymous4:16 PM

    You are truly one of the most beautiful people that I have never met... You have made something amazing come from such a sad tragedy. I only wish I had an ounce of your strength!

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