Who knew? He did...and I trust Him...

Sweet guy, who knew you'd walk into my life and leave shortly thereafter? Who knew you'd wreck my heart but that the wrecking ball would take me down to my foundation, me before the God of the Universe, the very One who knew this before time? Who could look ahead and see that the wrecking and rebuilding would be so beautiful? Actually, who knew that losing you would allow me to live the way I was designed to live? Who knew that 7 months and two days could be such a profoundly short, yet life altering amount of time? Who knew? Who knew, certainly not me, that in the wee hours of the night, when it was just you and I and the Lord, that those prayers I poured over you would be answered in my life time? Who knew they'd continue after yours? Did you know that I prayed that you'd be a mighty man of God, all the days of your life? Did you hear me talking to the Lord when I sought His perfect will for you? Did you have a clue, sweet boy, of the plan God had for you? Who knew that the tears that soaked your head each night in the hospital would be more to prepare my heart for what He knew? Who knew that no matter how much I wanted your healing, along with thousands of others, He still had a plan that didn't compute with my finite brain or even my huge faith? Who knew that what He knew didn't fit into my box? Who knew as a mom that I couldn't control your life or the life of anyone else, including me? Who knew that when God designed you, He didn't just have my heart in mind for someone to draw closer to Him?
Did you know that you were the only other man on this earth besides your daddy that I have ever been so in love with? Did you know that you would have such an effect on your mommy? Who knew that the party in the delivery room with mommy and daddy's friends would end up setting the tone for your life? Who knew you'd be such a sanguine?! Maybe Grandpa Steve, your namesake, knew? Who knows? Who knew you'd be an international world traveler before you went to go see the very One who made the world? Sweet guy, I always wanted to encourage people to not only accept the love of God but to fall in love with Him...who knew it would take a soft, sweet, beautiful, sick and dying little boy to inspire me to do it? Who knew?
If I had known, I would have done anything to fight it...I did do anything to fight it...If I had known, in advance, I would have said, "No Lord. Surely You must be mistaken! Surely there is a better way where we can all win?! Lord, do You know how much this will crush me? What about Jason? He is the most wonderful man in the world and a son like him would only make this world a better place? What about Em, Lord? She is so excited to be a big sister! Won't losing her brother crush her? How will I explain this to her? And what about our family? Haven't we had enough experience with death around here?!
I know You knew. I know You saw and can see the bigger picture. I know You know all about losing a Son. I know that Your heart was ripped out that day, too...the one 2000 years ago when Your Son died for the sins of the whole world. I know that You knew that even though it may not have made sense to the onlookers that day, that You had a plan, that it was good, that even Your Son sought You for an alternative, but You knew. You knew. You know. And in Your love for all of Your creation, Your Son was the Passover Lamb for all of us...

I'm glad You knew me before the dawn of time. I'm glad I know You. Lord, I don't just know You, or about You, or even just that You love me, but Lord, I love You, too! And I trust that the day Noah was born, the day he died, and every day in between and after is a day You designed. You knew his sweet short life had a purpose, like every other sweetie that has gone before their parents, just like the ones we live every day, one day at a time. You have a purpose for each one of us. It's is to love. Love...You knew. You know. Only the most radical love. You get it. That's why You set the example. Thank You for knowing. I trust You...

*Today, in one hour, at 10am Mountain Time, I'll be sharing live part of the story that God knew. Tune into www.castlerockradio.com and listen to the live feed. Or, check out www.thereturn.us at a later time for the archive show...thanks, in advance, for your prayers.