Thursday, July 30, 2009

Over it...

I have always been a leader. Leaders have to set an example. Leaders are watched. Leaders are emulated. When leaders are feeling down or empty, they feel trapped because to admit weakness is not something that those who look up to them want to accept...and, so, usually leaders hide it well, unless they don't, and then they crack. I don't know how to not be a leader except to just say, "I quit." I want to be able to be weak sometimes. I want to admit that there are days I have nothing to give, when I don't have anything encouraging to say to another person, and I don't feel one way or another about it. I want to be able to cuss when it really counts and not have people wonder if I really love Jesus or if I should be in positions of leadership or not. I want to be able to drink half a glass and view it as half empty instead of always playing the eternal optimist. I don't know why I feel so spent lately. I feel like the canary who is so excited to fly free from the grasp of the owner, only to be thrown down the dark tunnel, a tunnel dug for beautiful diamonds or other treasure, even just resource, but that's kicking out toxic deadly gases instead...future's not looking so bright for that bird. I'm discouraged that I am not changing the world, literally, physically, spiritually, on a grand scale, or even a small one. I hate that part of my story in trusting Christ includes a dead kid. Dead kid's suck. I don't recommend them to anyone! I miss my kid and my other one is growing up so fast. Another thing, I don't understand why God made me a idea person. Dreams and ideas don't mean jack squat if they don't have legs. I don't know how to give them legs or wings, if you will. That may be so simple for another, but I feel like the 'gift' of dreams and ideas has been wasted on the wrong girl. It's torture being a dreamer that isn't moving forward and has no clue where to go. For the last month I've been listening to "On The Way" by Elizabeth Hunnicutt on her new album "On The Way". There is a line that says, "The path of least resistance was not meant for me to take." I'm mad at that line. It's a fabulous song and terrific album! It's literally like she's written my heart on her album, though she never even knew how I've been feeling. I just know that the path of least resistance wasn't meant for me, or for anyone, because God has made us and we were never intended for mediocrity. But I'm tired. I feel like I am wired for serving God in a wonderful and beautiful way, yet why doesn't my reality line up with those 'feelings, dreams, ideas'? I think I 'm over being a leader for a while. Jason says I sound a little cynical. Ya think?! I guess I was just feeling a little realistic, but if realistic is being called cynical these days, call me what you will. I am exhausted and literally have nothing to offer. And somehow, for the first time since I started this blog, simply typing these words just isn't making me feel better...

Monday, July 27, 2009

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Not all she's cracked up to be....

(People have asked me to write about the Proverbs 31 woman. I'm certain this isn't what they were expecting when they asked me, but I've been thinking about her a lot lately and thought I'd share my random and biased thoughts...)

A Proverbs 31 Woman. The woman written about in the 31st chapter of Proverbs in the Bible isn't all that and a bag of chips. Don't get me wrong, she's one amazing woman! In fact, the chapter tells us she's priceless! Her husband thinks she rocks! She's a hard worker, she's like George Costanza working in importing/exporting. She gets up at the crack of dawn. She's in real estate, not to mention, a sommelier and wine connoisseur. She's got arms like Venus Williams, burns the midnight oil and is a fashion designer. She's philanthropic, recognizing that the whole world doesn't revolve around her and her alone. She pretty much invented sweaters and Pottery Barn. Her hubby is a big stinking cheese in town, revered among his colleagues. She's got a great sense of humor, maybe even snorts when she laughs...She's super duper smart, so smart she's able to teach others. She doesn't sit on her can watching soaps all day, eating bon bons. Her kids think she's the best mom in the whole wide world and her husband is so whipped over her that he tells her, "Sweetheart, You STINKING ROCK!" Most importantly, she loves God with her whole heart and seeks to do His will, so according to the whole passage, that is why she should be known...not for all the other great things she does.

But here's my beef: We all revere the Proverbs 31 woman, don't get me wrong. Some of you have even had thoughts of resentment towards her, even though you don't know her and you've never met her, so judging her is pretty lame. But my beef lies with verse 15. You see, most women wench about the first line which is, "she gets up early, while it is still dark", so then they compare their lack of interest in getting up to greet the sun or use the lame excuse of not being a 'morning person'...whatever works for you...Others get worked up about the fact that she's up bright and early flipping pancakes and crepes for her family, making goat cheese and garbanzo bean omelets and homemade pitas and they are just trying to open the box of some lame named candy-coated boxed cereal while trying to aim the milk stream into the bowl, not to mention multi-task not burning whatever the heck is in the toaster and pack lunches at the same time.

My beef, however, lies with the third part of the verse:

"...and portions for her servant girls." Here it is in context:

"She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls."

I know that certain cultures incorporate not the kind of servant hood that once plagued early American culture, but rather helping hands, if you will. I know a girl that was a missionary in Peru and it was insulting to their culture not to hire a laundress and cook because it provided work for the locals. So, yeah, the Proverbs 31 woman was a great woman, but keep in mind that she had AT LEAST 2 young women working for her because "girls" is plural, and given her husband was a big cheese and she seemed to rock the merchandising world, I'm guessing it was more than two...

So, the next time you start feeling badly about how much you aren't accomplishing on any one given day, because, let's say you are a busy mom, remember that you don't have a staff working for you. If your husband gives you crap about not being everything Mrs. Proverbs 31 is, ask him when your cook and laundress will be showing up, and nanny if you have small children. HOWEVER, if you DO indeed have a staff of two or more helpers working for you and you aren't measuring up to the Proverbs 31 woman, then you are a slacker and you should send your helpers to help the rest of us...

One day at a time, ladies, enjoy and love your families one day at a time.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

And the winner is...

...Kelly Valentine Vasami!
Congratulations, silly girl!

In response to this picture:

Kelly wrote: "Their love forbidden, they were left no other option but to embrace through the glass that separated them...."

You, Kelly, have won this pair of earrings handmade by Adexoxox in honor of String of Pearls, a great non-profit started by my dear friend Laura who lost her daughter, Pearl. String of Pearls serves a perinatal hospice for families facing a fatal perinatal diagnosis.

And, I just so happen to know Kelly. We 'met' via blog world while my sweet guy was in the hospital. Kelly called me one day prior to us removing Noah from life support and said she would hop on a plane and come capture our last tender moments together. She got to the gate at the airport and they had just shut the doors! She was so sad! God worked out the details, though, one, because the photographer who did come and take our last photos was profoundly impacted by Noah's story, and she didn't even know about his blog, and two, because there was a horrible snow storm here at the time and Kelly would have been stuck otherwise. Then, one day, Kelly was heading out to CA for a photography workshop with a master of the trade and had a layover here in Denver. She called me and the two of us went and ate yummy Mexican food at one of my favorite restaurants. It felt like we had known each other forever. I love you, Kelly! Congrats!

If you live anywhere near Scarsdale, NY and are looking for a fabulous photographer, well, Kelly Vasami just happens to be your girl!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Thursday on our radio show we talked about the importance of laughter. I have always had a pretty warped sense of humor...always. In fact, I pretty much can't repeat most of what I think is truly hilarious. I try not to take myself too seriously, or others really, because life is just too freaking short for that. If we can't laugh about life, laugh in the face of adversity, laugh at ourselves, well, then I think that we are missing out on a whole lot of living!

Here are some random things that make me happy and help bring perspective to my life:

Because mud is meant to be played in...these two BFF's demonstrate what older women now call "Mud Spa Treatments"...hey ladies, it's cheaper to play in the mud in your own back yard!


Did you know that in the 50's women used to put these feather wigs on after a dip in the pool? I didn't either until Em and I discovered it while organizing my Grandma's closet. She's got some treasures in there, for sure.
And, this wig was one of those treasures. Who knew my Grandma had a wig?! Em and I had fun trying it on and playing dress up in my Grandma's things.


We were changing out the mantle piece recently and I wanted to see what this masterpiece looked like on a whole new meaning to 'still life' and 'portrait', huh?


Noah's first movie (and only I guess) was "Nacho Libre". I took him to the theatre and nursed him while I cracked up at Jack Black in stretchy pants. It is now our family movie. Reading "Junie B. Jones" is fun to do with Emily, too. Though, for me, I find myself grammatically correcting every other sentence, but it still has the same effect. We were even crying once reading a "Junie B. Jones" book. I read stories to Emily in "Nacho Libre accent" until she complains and then I stop. I think it's important as a parent to model mature behavior balanced with healthy "immature" behavior. Plus, laughing with Emily has got to be one of the greatest things in the entire world

The one thing I bought from our trip to Mexico last year...not a quality piece of pottery, leather goods, or even .925 jewelry, but a Gen U INE Nacho mask.

Not initially, but gradually I was able to laugh even while Noah was in the hospital. I felt guilty at first for even cracking a smile or allowing my thoughts or heart to be anywhere other than centered on saving my son. Let's face it, there's nothing funny about a child dying and "modern medicine" not having answers in the midst of illness. No matter how many clowns or stuffed animals they have at a children's hospital, it's not funny. There's nothing hilarious about not being able to save your own's tragic and that part sucks. Don't get me wrong, in bringing up laughter it is not my intention to disrespect serious issues, life is decidedly serious, but if God Himself said that laughter is good medicine, then I think we could all use a dose...and some of you might just need a double...especially you! Ha ha ha!


Here's a pic of Em looking for her favorite monkey in the wash. The funniest caption wins a pair of handmade pearl earrings. Send in your captions by 7/20 at midnight and I'll announce the winner and post your caption by 7/21.


I think laughter has to start with ourselves, not only laughing at the stupid things we do but even at our own jokes. I laugh at my own jokes. Not because they are necessarily funny but because if I don't laugh at them, it's quite possible no one else will. If we can't laugh at ourselves I believe it is because we are trying to portray an image of perfection to those around us. If we could just lighten up a little and realize there is no such thing as perfection then I think life would be just a little sweeter.
In an effort to commemorate the life of a beautiful woman who died the same day as MJ, I feathered my hair for a week. Let's face it, feathering my hair for a week like Farrah Fawcett was easier than getting plastic surgery or wearing strange leather outfits and a glitter glove.


As I was doing 'research' for our show on laughter (really rough having to look up funny videos on YouTube and read jokes on emails from people) a video came to my memory that really reveals my weird sense of humor, even in my family's darkest hour. I haven't shared this with very many people, mostly because I thought they might think I was weird, but since, one, I am weird, and two, I don't care what anyone thinks, I'm posting it today. This is how I kept 'sane' in the hospital with my sweetie boy. I hope that all of these random things will simply be an inspiration to you to enjoy this life, one day at a time, even through the hard times, and to remind us all to make time to laugh. It's a gift from God that He knew we'd need this side of Heaven...

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Dear Gramma...

I know I’ve told you this before, but I love you! You are the Best! You’ve always been easy to be around. Your laugh and joy for life are contagious and I am honored to call myself your granddaughter. I have always, even today, thought you are beautiful and though I wasn’t lucky enough to inherit your great legs, I do believe I inherited your sassiness and fight for life…and we both know sassiness can carry you further

You know, “Jane” means “Gracious Gift from God”. You have always been a gift to me and that is why I didn’t think twice about naming my sweet girl after you, Emily Jane. Thank you for always loving me and even the love of my life, my quiet husband Jason and our sweet daughter. You know, I still have the card you sent from when Noah was born, congratulating us for the birth of a baby boy. The money is even still in the card. I am so sorry you never got to meet him. He would have loved you and I know you would have snuggled him close.

Gramma, thanks for all the memories that you have given me over the last 37+ years! My favorite thing growing up was going up to the Mogollon Rim with you and Gramps to camp and explore. I loved playing games with you guys and learning Pinochle. We must have sounded crazy to the neighboring campers yelling, "Corner on the Market on Rye!" I loved waking up to the smell of kielbasa and eggs on the camp stove, or bacon and then later having popcorn cooked in the bacon grease. Of course, some of my favorite memories are spending hours on end in your closet trying on your shoes and accessories and dressing up in your jewelry. I always wanted to be as beautiful as you and my mom…you both have shown me that beauty is only skin deep but true beauty lies within the heart. And, even though I never was a great dancer, or even a very good one, your love for it and the beauty and ease with which you and Gramps glided around on the floor has given me a great appreciation for it.

You and Grandpa have shown me how to love in thick and thin. Thank you for being an example to people everywhere of a marriage that can last a lifetime! That is a rarity in this day and age but a huge testimony that love endures! I know my parents have that kind of love and I know that Jason and I are well on our way to 70+ years of loving each other!

Well, I know you are going to live until you are 104, so I hope you aren’t mad at me for saying these things now! I’ve learned that life is too short and we can think many wonderful things in our heads and hearts, but if we don’t share them with those around us, then they just don’t mean anything! I just wanted to take this opportunity while you had to sit still for a moment and let your hip heal to tell you that even though I don’t get to see you as often or talk to you all the time, I love you so much and thank God, truly, that He made you just the way you are, sassiness and all, and that He loved me so very much to make you my Gramma! I love you and am praying for your recovery! And though you can’t necessarily tune in, I am dedicating my radio show to you today! I love you, Gramma! Love, Boo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

(Make sure you don't forget to tell the people in your life that you love them.)