Over it...

I have always been a leader. Leaders have to set an example. Leaders are watched. Leaders are emulated. When leaders are feeling down or empty, they feel trapped because to admit weakness is not something that those who look up to them want to accept...and, so, usually leaders hide it well, unless they don't, and then they crack. I don't know how to not be a leader except to just say, "I quit." I want to be able to be weak sometimes. I want to admit that there are days I have nothing to give, when I don't have anything encouraging to say to another person, and I don't feel one way or another about it. I want to be able to cuss when it really counts and not have people wonder if I really love Jesus or if I should be in positions of leadership or not. I want to be able to drink half a glass and view it as half empty instead of always playing the eternal optimist. I don't know why I feel so spent lately. I feel like the canary who is so excited to fly free from the grasp of the owner, only to be thrown down the dark tunnel, a tunnel dug for beautiful diamonds or other treasure, even just resource, but that's kicking out toxic deadly gases instead...future's not looking so bright for that bird. I'm discouraged that I am not changing the world, literally, physically, spiritually, on a grand scale, or even a small one. I hate that part of my story in trusting Christ includes a dead kid. Dead kid's suck. I don't recommend them to anyone! I miss my kid and my other one is growing up so fast. Another thing, I don't understand why God made me a dreamer...an idea person. Dreams and ideas don't mean jack squat if they don't have legs. I don't know how to give them legs or wings, if you will. That may be so simple for another, but I feel like the 'gift' of dreams and ideas has been wasted on the wrong girl. It's torture being a dreamer that isn't moving forward and has no clue where to go. For the last month I've been listening to "On The Way" by Elizabeth Hunnicutt on her new album "On The Way". There is a line that says, "The path of least resistance was not meant for me to take." I'm mad at that line. It's a fabulous song and terrific album! It's literally like she's written my heart on her album, though she never even knew how I've been feeling. I just know that the path of least resistance wasn't meant for me, or for anyone, because God has made us and we were never intended for mediocrity. But I'm tired. I feel like I am wired for serving God in a wonderful and beautiful way, yet why doesn't my reality line up with those 'feelings, dreams, ideas'? I think I 'm over being a leader for a while. Jason says I sound a little cynical. Ya think?! I guess I was just feeling a little realistic, but if realistic is being called cynical these days, call me what you will. I am exhausted and literally have nothing to offer. And somehow, for the first time since I started this blog, simply typing these words just isn't making me feel better...