Friday, June 04, 2010

Changing it up a bit

So, whether it's self-inflicted or just happens this way, somehow, for whatever reason, God knows why, I seem to operate best when there's either a deadline quickly approaching or when several things are happening at once. Okay, I take that back...I don't necessarily operate "best" but it's when I get the most done. It's really quite annoying, to be honest. Especially because the anticipation of multi-tasking and time frames produce in me a bit of stress and anxiety.

However, for whatever reason, somehow, God knows why, this time it's different...

And by "this time" I am referring to the fact that Jason and I have deemed it a grand idea to not only have a baby in August, start homeschooling Em in the fall, BUT, to get Em her very own puppy, to boot!

What? No, we are indeed NOT on drugs, if you can believe it!

Somehow this all just seems to make perfect sense to us. I think it's because it's been so long since Em's been a baby that we have a bit of "New Parent Amnesia", aka, total ignorance.

Even though we had Noah 4 years ago, honestly, if I'm not going to candy-coat it, I'm not remembering back to his 7 weeks at home or his 7 months on earth as anything closely related to "normal". The 7 weeks at home we all probably spent sleeping, eating, and changing poopy diapers. The 5.5 months at the hospital were not realistic whatsoever because we had family in and out and a full time staff of over 40 amazing helpers. Nope. Not realistic.

No, it's weird...with this pregnancy my memories keep going back to Em, for the most part. I'm hoping it's a sign of longevity. It's my prayer for this guy...

One thing that is jacked up in the heart of a mama that has lost a child and then is prego again is the topic of "movement". If I were anything closely related to "normal", the thoughts that would run thru my mind when "baby boy" was quiet or inactive would be, "Oh, he must be sleeping..." Instead, because I'm a tad jaded, and, as previously stated, "jacked up", my thoughts look more like this, "Oh, he's dead...well, thank You, Lord, for the time I've gotten to carry him...it was my honor..."

Yeah, jacked up, I know...but then I've talked to other mama's who have lost babes and they have had the same thoughts...so...at least I'm not jacked up all by myself...

But, back to multi-tasking...so yeah, this year has been nothing but change. We've had family and friends living with us for over a year now. Everyone is moving out by the end of summer. We aren't "breaking up" or anything, it's just time. And Jason's loving his new job at Compassion and loves the people he works with. Em is counting down the days until school is out and is beside herself with excitement that we are going to homeschool next year. I honestly never thought I would homeschool unless I was part of a co-op, but God has totally changed my heart. I can't wait to just spend some time with my two kiddos...and of course, Em is also counting down the days til Daddy comes home from England so we can go pick up her new puppy...more on that in another post. (With pictures, of course.)

Speaking of pictures, I haven't taken any real belly pictures. I need to. I also had to ask my doc the other week which week I was currently in...I even called my little sister to ask her and then just added half a week. I know I am due August 31st. I'm just taking it one day at a time. I'm just not that into math...

And, then, of course, I am excited to "nest" baby boy's room. I am not that excited to open the boxes from Noah's room that we packed up way back when, because I really don't even know what is in them anymore, but it's part of the process. I want to use Noah's bedding since I made it and it got little use, and of course, because it's cute. I'll use Noah's furniture, as well, but am painting it something other than "Butter". And I know there are little man clothes in those boxes, too, so we won't need any new clothes for a while.

All this to say, I have a peace in my heart I cannot explain. Change is good and necessary for growth. And all we are expected to do when change occurs is to put one foot in front of the other and trust that God's got the Big Picture. Fighting it prolongs it. Walking in it just may show itself as beautiful...

...I think I'll walk in it.

4 comments:

  1. Thinking of you, and thankful for the peace in your heart...and the little miracle in your belly :) Love to all!

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  2. I followed you religiously during your time with Noah. I have seen you on my friend's blogs and FB. Yesterday I decided to take a peek and see if you were still blogging. I'm thrilled to find you again. So excited for you as you walk this journey in pregnancy and awaiting your baby.

    You are in my prayers!

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  3. Love the last last paragraph and last line!

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