Monday, July 19, 2010

Cliff diving

I wish I had the camera but it's in the Dominican Republic with Jason and Emily. Jason took her along on a trip to introduce her, along with some other interested people, to some of his Compassion sites that serve moms and their babies. I sure hope they are taking a lot of pictures because there are plenty of pictures I could be taking here to document life as it passes.

You see, I'm "power nesting". Basically that means I have a short amount of time, free of most responsibilities except caring for Em's puppy, to get the baby's room ready. The problem is, it's kind of a slow process. It's slow because it's emotional. It's slow because I can't move furniture by myself...and besides, first I want to paint all the furniture. Noah's crib and changing table somehow have to appear "different" this time around. It's slow because I am finally going through all of the boxes that we packed up 3 years ago from Noah's room. Slow because even though I washed all the clothes that I chose to keep 3 years ago before I bagged and boxed them, for whatever reason I feel like I should wash them again...and washing your dead kid's laundry for your unborn child's use is really just weird. I know it's just stuff, and I'm certainly not emotionally tied to any of it. It's just surreal and at the same time, I wonder why I am doing it! Will it even get used?! #$%^&* Lord, please let it be used...and by this child who is on his way...

I am going to use the bedding I made for Noah's nursery because, well, I made it. And, it just didn't get that much use! I literally, LITERALLY, don't need one article of clothing from 0 to at least 9 months. In fact, as I finish diving into these insane amounts of laundry today, I'll be purging some of it because, even though it's cute and cuddly, new and hardly or not worn, the more clothes my kid has, the more laundry I'll have to do. And, obviously there are people in this world that need it way more than we do. We have plenty. Don't tell Em, but I'm purging her room before she returns from the Dominican Republic tomorrow, too!

Several people have asked if they could host a shower for me. I have declined. I just can't. Remember when your elementary teacher used to correct you and say, "Not can, but may." Well, I literally just cannot go there. The last shower thrown for me by my very dear friends was a beautiful time and I felt full being surrounded by such great women, but I went home from it with a bunch of treasures for a boy who never got to use them. I just cannot and will not do that again.

I am going to do a "Meet and Greet" type of thing after he is born, but that's about all my heart can take.

I recently saw a picture of a friend who had jumped off a cliff and bruised her hamstring. I am sure approaching the cliff was both exhilarating and filled with fearful anticipation. The fall was likely breath-taking. The impact...well, it left a bruise the size of her whole backside. But she survived it...bruise and all. Not sure if she'd do it again, but she would never know that if she hadn't taken the plunge in the first place.

So, here I am, in the midst of cliff diving. I'm pretty sure being 6 weeks away from my due date qualifies me for having already jumped.

I guess this is what life feels like in mid-air. No going back, just pressing on to impact.

I'm not a fan of free-falling. I like the feeling of security and knowing how it will turn out. However, I gave up those rights long ago when I chose to follow God's will for my life...not my own. Jesus didn't teach us to pray, "My kingdom come, my will be done." He specifically instructed us, "Your kingdom come, Your will be done."

Why, then, do we act so surprised, offended, or taken off guard when life doesn't roll like we planned it?


I may bruise my whole backside, but I'll swim to the shore and make it through this. We all will, regardless the size of the cliff from which we just jumped.

9 comments:

  1. Thank you for your vulnerability in your posts. I am not exactly sure what to say or how to minister to you, but I have been and am praying for you.

    You are ministering to others. I don't always know how and definitly do not know why, but I do know Rom. 8:28 to be true. May the Holy Spirit comfort you as only He can. May He give you Love, Joy, and Peace in anticipation for the new little one. In Jesus Name.

    Julianne

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  2. I've been thinking about you! Wondering how its going, knowing that feelings like the ones you've expressed here are bound to turn up all along the way.

    Love you, girl. I don't believe you are going to wind up bruised from this jump. You are so brave and admirable!! You've touched so many lives by and through your undying faith.

    SIX WEEKS??? WOOHOOOOOO!!!

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  3. I don't have words either . . . but your post deeply touches my heart . . . I'll be praying for you as you get closer to the jump. I feel so blessed that I get to watch from afar. You're amazing!

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  4. I can't say I know how you feel, having not lost a child myself. However, when I was about 7 months pregnant. I was given 4 huge boxes of baby boy clothes by friends of ours who's baby was stillborn at 38weeks. It had been about 3 years since their child passed, and they were happy to donate all of his unused things, but I was an emotional wreck. It was so hard for me to go through, seperate and wash all of HIS things. At the bottom of the last box I found a diaper bag filled items ready to bring a newborn home from the hospital. I cried for weeks, I was filled with fear of "what if". I still find myself thinking about their little one often, and have even placed some flowers and balloons at his gravesite. Drawing from my own experience, I can not imagine the pain you are going through as you sift through your son's unused clothing. I pray that you will continue to be strong and for the fear you are feeling to be replaced with peace.

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  5. And it will be a beautiful swan dive no matter the launch or the impact. You are an amazing Child of the King.

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  6. Thinking of you, and of Noah. I am sure he is so happy that his things will be used, but I cannot imagine how hard it must be to go through them.

    I am praying for you, and hoping that peace will fill your heart over the next few weeks, and after too. Even more so after. Please cherish every single one of those early days and weeks, and try not to rush through them with thoughts of "what if?".

    I hope you are healing more every day. But know that while life goes on, Noah is not forgotten by any of us.

    P.S. - Your new little boy has a hard act to follow - not many babies can be as gorgeous and adorable as Noah!

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  7. Praying for you, for real!!! Your honesty makes you vulnerable, but also empowers the rest of us to pray exactly what you are praying.

    Jesus- send your peace!!! I know you dig this lady and her fam and the way she loves YOU. And I know you love this baby boy inside her just as much as you love the one in Heaven. Jesus... you see her heart. Give her a YES. And with it, your PEACE.

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  8. I totally get the whole feeling of free-falling and trusting God. If I truly trust Him, than moving my life to rest wholely in His hands should feel secure, but... I am weak and the struggle to give up the right to myself is a daily one, not a one time thing like I was hoping.

    Praying for you during this time.

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  9. Wow......I so appreciate your authenticity and honesty and can not imagine how I would feel in the same situation. I am so glad that you are jumping off that cliff again.......you have a lot of people who care and love you that will make that landing soft.w

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