Anyway...
I've realized that I think I'm afraid to actually meet "Baby Nacho". I remember after Noah died that I wished I could have gone back to when he was in my belly, safe, alive, just the two of us, him tucked away from the cares and curse of the world.
Everyone keeps wondering when this little man will make his grand entrance. I know I should be so excited, but it does not seem real. I obviously don't know the future, but part of my heart wants to keep him all to myself because as long as he's in my belly, at least in my heart, he's okay.
Yeah, it sounds like I have zero faith, hope or trust that God's got a different scenario laid out for this child. Believe me, my faith is way bigger than zero...
People have said things to me over the last several months to the effect of, "God will redeem the situation" or "Oh, it's a boy! What a redeeming story!"
I have some serious thoughts, feelings, and words about the above sentiments. God does not have to "redeem" anything. By us having another boy doesn't mean God is "redeeming" our loss of another little boy. What if this one was a daughter? Would that mean He was only sorta redeeming it? What if we had never been pregnant again? Would that mean redemption wasn't written for us?
Redemption or redeem is defined: to buy back; to win back; to free from what distresses or harms; to change for the better; to repair or restore; to atone for or expiate as in an error
God did not make an error when He made Noah the way He did. And, another baby boy will not win back Noah's life. And as far as "buying back" or "winning back"...my heart never ran away...even though I don't always understand or agree with the way God runs the Universe, I totally trust Him and trust that the bigger picture He is able to see is much more glorious than the one I see, even with eyes of faith...so no, I don't need "buying back" because I never ran.
God is amazing and so difficult to understand at the same time! I believe whether we ever had another child or not, Redemption, in its true definition, has already happened in our lives. It is for every single person on the face of the earth from the beginning until the end who will choose to believe. It was planned for since day one in time, and it occurred about 2000 years ago through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. He is our Redeemer.
And this is a different boy, not in place of the last one, but another one, a different one, with his own story...a story that will be written one day at a time because of God's grace...and for God's glory alone.
Adrienne~After The Nelson's mentioned you in one of their post, some time ago, I have been following your blog. I've always found it so amazing how someone you have never met can make you cry, laugh and inspire you. Just another example as to how amazing God is.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your recent post I felt led to send a note thanking you for this post. I loved everything you wrote and it went straight to the heart.
In 2008 our sweet precious daughter went to be with Jesus. She passed 30 days before her 3rd birthday that she shares with her twin brother. Not planned, a year and a half later we were blessed with another baby girl...my heart has struggled however, God always put on my heart something very similar as to what you shared in your last paragraph. It was nice to read what you wrote and I will actually put it somewhere so I can read it often as a sweet reminder. :)
We ache for our baby girl who is now with Jesus, but we also rejoice in what a complete beautiful blessing our new baby girl has been.
May God continue to protect all your hearts and comfort you with knowing while your sweet baby Noah is safe with Jesus, God is now entrusting you with another sweet blessing for you to rejoice in.
Many blessings to you and your family.
Terra
Hey Adrienne - great pics - you are so sweet :)
ReplyDeleteYou are right that when 'they' say redeemed they aren't talking about the TRUE redemption through our Savior.
but I actually do understand on a different level how God can redeem/give redemption in other ways... I know it isn't silmiar to you story but I hope I can share:
I was such such such a mess mentally/spiritually/emotionally when my 1st was a newborn/infant and the devil has truly been able to twist/distort and make me feel so much anguish and guilt over what I did/didn't do for him as a baby. Memories of what others said as well and just how inadequate I felt as a mom.
Through this 2nd pregnancy and newborn stage -- GOd seriously remembered every single tiny little wound and booboo I had from the first experience and did redeem each one. Every single one. Had people speak things into me exactly opposite of the memory I had. I just can't even explain how much He did. I had sooo much fear to have another child and mess up another one.... but He knew *my* battle and though I am so undeserving He so beautifully loved me through struggle the first time - and then through the mountaintop this time.
I used to think that every act my 1st child did now was 'payback' for things I did wrong when he was an infant.... but through things he said this time around and what others said and through this 2nd time around - God redeemed my exprience and helped me remember all the good times & helped me realize that the devil twisted and distorted the memories way way way way worse than they were.
He renewed my mind/memories and changed me completely through this experience.
Anyway -- I *KNOW* your specific situation is so different and they are not comparable - but I just wanted to take a moment to thank GOd again even as a comment on your blog --- because HE truly did redeem (repair restore) my mind through this process the past few months....
I believe He gave me a glimpse of what HE will do in heaven when we are FULLY restored/redeemed/ every wound healed & covered & forgotten.
thanks for giving me the freedom to share here. I love you even though I don't "know" you and it's been a joy to follow you these past 4 years. I pray for you often and I am so excited to "meet" nacho!! :) <3 <3 <3
You are looking beautiful as always!
ReplyDeleteI totally get your feelings of wanting to keep that little boy safe inside. I know after the loss of my first baby I felt that way about Lindsey. It finally came down to holding her and seeing her precious little face that allowed me to savor her being here and in my arms.
Wow, I cannot believe people would even have such twisted thinking, but then again I've had some strange things said to me as well. Yes, there is no doubt that God in His great wisdom created Noah for His purpose and we know and trust that baby Nacho will have his own calling and a path set just for him and him alone.
Praying for you in these last days before you hold your little man. Can't wait to hear your news.
first things first....you look amazing. keep him in there a while yet, it looks good on you :o)
ReplyDeletesecondly, i remember having those same exact feelings about carrying my kids. i had a strong desire to maintain the safety, security and personal---alone time with the baby. once they are born, as much of a delight as it is, they are shared forever with others. it was a very personal and intimate time. enjoy every minute of it.
i love your thoughts on redemption....people mean well, and just have NO idea what to say. not realizing that you're not looking for them to say anything, other than, congratulations!
can't wait to read the next chapter in the family graves life!
I wonder if what people mean when they say this is redeeming is that part of the definition that states redemption is "...to free from what distresses or harms; to repair or restore;..." Could God be redeeming that place in your heart that was distressed or broken over the loss of Noah. This new baby will never, ever take Noah's place and you will never, ever get over missing him. But I wonder if there's a place in your heart that Jesus does want to redeem (or restore or free from distress). A place that hurt like hell where there's still a place of healing that is needed. Or redemption for someone else who has been reading your story and needs to have some of their own questions answered or their own faith in Christ's love and grace restored. We may not want to underestimate the power of redemption that can still take place in this amazing story or your's and Noah's and your whole family, whether it's for a place in your hearts or for a place in some person's heart whom you've never even met. Just some thoughts...
ReplyDeleteYou are such a cute pregnant person!
ReplyDeleteI can't relate to the pain you've been through or the pain others often post on your site, but I deeply felt so much pain for you as you gave little Noah into the arms of Jesus. I'm with you. I don't understand so many things . . . but I trust the Lord! His goodness and mercy are evident in a million different ways.
For myself looking in from the outside, I have such an excitement in my heart for you and your family as this little one makes his entrance . . . not in a "redeeming" way (totally tracking with you) but rather just the goodness of God bestowing good and wondrous gifts on his children. I believe this will be a season of joy and wonder like no other for you.
Yes, yes, and YES to all you said.
ReplyDeleteAND...
Yes to you being the Cutest! Pregnant! Girl! Ever!
Glad you posted these, you look so beautiful. I love you guys!
ReplyDeleteYou look glorious!
ReplyDeleteNoah has his own legacy in this world. Through his life, your family taught those who were near you how to love and how to let go. You taught people the honor in letting go. The honor of surrendering to His Will.
I found your blog at a time when I was fairly certain I would have to let my own son go one day. The strength you had during that time was from God. The sharing of Noah's life helped fulfill His purpose for Noah and your family; to teach by example. Not life lessons of your choosing, but you are certainly one of the Lord's saints on Earth.
And as far as your new son, God's blessing to you. A new son, a nod from God, a gift, a treasure. So much hope was wrapped up in a little baby named Jesus. God teaches us through children and He mends pieces of our hearts with children. You are blessed of the Lord. Those who comment that your new son brings redemption most likely do so with the hope that he will bring a new joy to your life. A fresh healing to your hearts. A new chapter is about to begin for your family. I am so excited for you all.
Cherish every moment. I know you will. Be blessed.
With love.
Jen
You are beautiful friend!!
ReplyDeleteBeautifully articulated!
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about you and holding you and little guy before the throne. And I just can't wait to hear his special and unique, God ordained and purposed story as it unfolds!
You are so cute Adrienne! I haven't seen you in a while and I miss you girl! Your baby boy is going to be an amazing addition to your family... I can't wait till we start our family and I can look to you for guidance to reassurance. You have a strong faith muscle! I can't wait to meet this sweet little man!
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