I feel compelled to share...

God reminded me of a 'scene' from my life when I was 16, living in Grand Rapids, Michigan. At the time I did not learn the lesson. It wasn't until years later, in my later years of college and from then on, that I truly started walking in what God showed me that day...

You see, I used to be extremely insecure. It was mainly about my weight and body image, and anything that had to do with speaking in public. I thought I looked like the whale above though I was a pretty active person playing basketball in high school and swimming competitively for 12 years. I constantly compared myself to other people, worried about how I looked and was pretty much on some sort of diet or eating obsession from 5th grade until I was 20. I seriously thought people were staring at me in public. I even had an intense fear/insecurity of speaking in public which God delivered me from my freshman year in college. So, anyway, here's the 'scene'...

I was a sophomore in high school. I had to go to the mall to get something, what, I have no recollection. I went with my mom but the plan was to split up and meet after we were done with our own errands. She headed off and I started walking toward the store, needing to cross through the center of the mall where there were planters and many people sitting, waiting, and others on their way to their destinations. All of a sudden, I was paralyzed with such deep insecurity that I thought everyone was staring at me. I could not move and I never did run whatever errand it was I had set out to accomplish. I sat down and waited for my mom, trying to look like I meant to sit down. I remember not being able to breathe very well and wanting to cry but then everyone really would have been staring at me. I don't think I ever told my mom...

It wasn't until later that God showed me how my insecurity and low self-esteem was actually chronic self-absorption. I was totally selfish and self-centered. I was thinking so much about not wanting others to think about me, that I was spending all of my time thinking about ME. I was so concerned about what others thought, that I hadn't left room in my life to know what God thought about me. I actually cared more about others opinions of me or the opinions of the world in general, that my worth was measured by the created and not the Creator. No one was staring at me. No one cared what I looked like...

Each time I had to step out of my comfort zone and walk into a normally insecure situation, I gained more and more confidence in the freedom of knowing who I was in Christ. My speech class my freshman year was pivotal in this. I used to dread speaking in front of anyone. My knees used to knock and my lips would start quivering awkwardly. That day my speech was being video-taped and 30 seconds after I began, I stopped, froze and started crying. I asked the prof if I could start over. She politely said no, that I was doing great, and to proceed. I couldn't believe it! I could not believe she wouldn't let me start over! A friend was sitting in the front row and the look on her face shouted, 'Oh, you poor thing! I feel so sorry for you!' So, I did the speech, and as I began to speak, I gained more confidence. Later that week when I received an 'A', I could not believe my eyes!

Anyway, this is getting exceptionally long, but God brought it to my heart the other day. Perhaps it was to encourage my spirit from where I once was to where I live freely today. My name, 'Adrienne', means 'Confident, Bold, Rich'. A girl asked my friend the other day if I was always so bold in my walk with God. My friend answered that I definitely am more so than I was before Noah came into my life, and she's only known me for 4 years. She asked if I ever felt funny being so bold about talking to people. I'll tell you all, the more I'm vulnerable and real, the more I do what the Holy Spirit tells me to do (that's that deep gut feeling you get sometimes), it's not that it becomes 'easier' necessarily, it's that it feels right. A sense of peace, even if it's weird...

Honestly, what do I have to lose? People may be looking at me, but it's not about me...that's the freedom. I hope this encourages some of you or someone you know to break out of your shells of insecurity and walk in freedom. I pray that you will also walk with confidence in the name God has given you, which is 'child, beautiful, and beloved.'