I hate all the fruit flies in the whole world!

Nacho: What about the orphans?
Steven: I hate them!
Nacho: What's that you said?
Steven: I hate orphans!
Nacho: Come again?
Steven: I HATE ORPHANS!
Nacho: Say that to my face!
Steven: I HATE ALL THE ORPHANS IN THE WHOLE WORLD!
(Nacho and Steven start wrestling...)

Okay, raise your hand if you've seen 'Nacho Libre'. Me too. Noah did, as well. I took my nephew to see it in June or July '06 and Noah ate and snoozed the whole time. ANYWAY, for anyone who has not seen the movie, if the dialogue above is offensive to you, please just know Steven changes his heart later...He likes them.

SO, if you read the above dialogue out loud with a Mexican voice inflection and insert the word "fruit flies" for "orphans", you'll get a glimpse into what's been running through my head for two weeks now! Honestly, there are days that I feel like the dirty kid from 'Charlie Brown' who carries his stinky blankie everywhere and there are always clouds of dust and flies following him...although, I SHOWER AND DON'T CARRY A STINKY BLANKIE AND SO, these blasted fruit flies shouldn't be following me!

First they started out in the kitchen, around the FRUIT, of course! Is this not disgusting to anyone else?! The fact that creatures in the wild lay LARVAE on our food and then they cling on for dear life, WITHOUT A VISA MIND YOU, and cross the border into our grocery stores, just waiting and watching that someone will 'pick me' to go home with! It's a conspiracy, I tell you! They usually NEVER hatch at the stores! They always wait until they have arrived in your nice clean home and, presto chango, the life cycle proceeds into an annoying pest in the kitchen. Then, we brought some beautiful flowers home from our friends' wedding and the fruit flies thought we had upgraded their living accommodations. NO they weren't for you, you freaking bugs! Then, I found 7 carcasses in a spider web in the corner of a window. The ONE time in my life I've appreciated SPIDERS! I can see them hovering in mid-air. I clap my hands together in front of me, like a crazy lady, squashing them perhaps only 20% of the time. I opened my closet door yesterday to get dressed and, I kid you not, two flew out to greet me! What the heck?! My clothes don't fit you, yucky bugs! After church on Sunday, we went to Tokyo Joe's for a bite. Em and I went to the girls' room to wash our hands. Guess what was on the mirror staring back at me, taunting me, saying, "I'm a friend of a friend that has taken up residency in your house, lady. We're not leaving you alone. We know where you live, eat, sleep, work out, we'll find you, we'll always find you..." UGH!

We have taken action. We have done the obvious and put all fruit in either our bellies, the fridge or the freezer. The flowers were gone a long time ago, so they don't live there. I threw all of our plants away while Noah was in the hospital, so I know that's not an issue. We don't leave food sitting around and there aren't crumbs or spills anywhere because, one, we just don't, and two, the house has to be spotless 24-7 since it's on the market. SO, why won't these annoying visitors just go away?! They have worn out their welcome. They aren't house guests! Seriously. Then it occurred to me, after Em had Jason read her the story of Moses and the Egyptian Pharaoh and the 10 plagues for the 100th time...I said, "Jason, please pray right now! What if God's trying to tell us something?!" He said, "I hardly think 12 fruit flies is a plague from God." Yet he did pray. Hey, I just wanted to cover all of my bases! Our friend suggested vinegar with a slice of banana in a cup with plastic wrap on top with a few small holes for the mangy, pesky, fruit sucking creature to enter. I'm willing to try it, but that means I have to BUY BANANAS! I already said it, it's a conspiracy!

Help!