Please forgive me because I don’t want to come across as trying to tell you and your family how to grieve. The reality is there is no ‘right’ way to grieve and there isn’t only one way. The truth is no one but God understands your heart. Your brother and sister had different relationships with your mom than you did. Your dad had a different relationship with his wife, your parents with their daughter, your kids with their grandmother, not to mention your mom’s siblings and her friends, colleagues, etc. I am grateful that early on Jason and I realized that even though we shared the blessing of being Noah’s parents, we were both going to experience loss differently. In light of this, it has allowed us to see that each day will be different and that some days he’ll be down and I’ll be hopeful, and other days it will be reversed, and we have to allow each other to ‘do’ one day at a time.
After reading your email I was so sad because you seem to be bearing the weight of everyone’s grief, and that is not your job. I also wonder if everyone expects this of you or if you feel responsible for everyone’s hearts? The thing with sadness and grief is that the emotions are real and quite raw, but when they are stuffed or stifled from being able to be felt in a healthy way, bitterness and depression take root, and those feelings are more difficult to live with than the grief.
(This stood out to me because I see that many people often feel responsible to help others through their grief when they are in need of walking their own journey through it. As a result, their healing is pushed to the back burner and often times never is addressed. Another thing that came to my mind is that when we try to keep people 'happy' or cheered up, rather than allowing true feelings and emotions to run their course, it stifles healing. When we feel compelled to cheer others instead of sitting quietly with them while they have a good cry, what we are saying is that their feelings make us uncomfortable.)
From what I gather from your email and your relationship with your mom, she died loved. To be loved is a powerful thing and to give love is difficult but so fulfilling.