Holy grief counseling, Batman!

Noah in Room 8 of the PICU
Noah on the admit floor, August 5th
Noah in his sweet bed at home on June 12th
Noah at home on June 25, 2006

Em and Noah in his last room on Earth in December having together time
Noah's artwork in his home nursery
Noah's sweet little pad next door to Em's room

While it's fresh I should say that although my heart feels like it was ripped out, thrown on the concrete, rolled over by a steamroller and then slapped back into my chest, I'm glad we went to the grief counseling group tonight. We will go every Monday through December 3rd.

I do not like that others have loss in common with us, but that is the reality of life on earth. Another reality is that grief is not comparable. Yes, in life there will always be people who have circumstances that are worse than yours and better than yours, but one man's grief is just that...one man's grief. It can be shared and people supported, but never compared.

The facilitator kept emphasizing that we are not to take on the sadness or situation of our neighbors grief, that we are in the group to focus on our own healing, but hearing every one's hearts tonight, there is no way on earth I'm not praying for each and every one of them. Yes, I know I am there to grieve Noah's death. I will focus on that task at hand, but there is a reason that God has strategically placed these 6 families in one setting for the next 9 weeks. I pray I can be used to encourage while I am encouraged...

We split into pairs and learned the story of the other individual and how their child died. It was encouraging just to say, "I am sorry" and know that the guy on the receiving end of that sentiment didn't expect any more words than that, nor did he desire them.

The group class is at the Ronald McDonald House across from the hospital. After 5 and a half months of driving to and from TCH Denver, I could have driven there tonight with my eyes closed. The timing of this is interesting because where many people hold onto a place as a memory spot for their loved one, TCH Denver moved last week from Denver to Aurora to a brand new state of the art facility. I debated going to the old building last week for one last walk through, but I just couldn't do it. I don't regret the choice. We'll go visit the staff at the new facility...

Noah's room won't be a memory spot for me anymore, either, because God sold our house yesterday! We close on our house 4 days before grief counseling ends...I will miss his sweet little nursery and the fact that he had a room set up just for him next door to Emily. I am so happy to close on this house, though, and finally have it off the market so I can get lots of pictures developed and blown up and put into frames for our next house. We are going to have an artist do a few neat pieces for a memorial in our new place and I feel like that's been on hold for such a long time. The reality is if I lived in a tent or dirt hole, Noah's memory is forever engrained in my heart, therefore as long as I live, no matter where, he's 'there'...

Anyway, because of confidentiality I can't share too many details of other peoples' stories, but God blew Jason and me away with how small He made our world tonight. One precious mom who has 3 children in Heaven and one on Earth was Jason's partner when we split into pairs. We went around after we shared in pairs and then introduced our partner to the group and shared their story. When it was Jason's turn to share this woman's story, he held it together the best he could, but you know how it is when a man cries...everyone follows suit. Come to find out, after class Jason and she were talking and her children were all involved with Teen Mania Ministries. That's the ministry Jason and I have traveled with in the summers in the past. Small, small world.

We ended the time with a story that one of the facilitators read aloud. The book is called, Waterbugs and Dragonflies. It was a good allegory of life on Earth and death and Heaven. I would highly recommend it to anyone wrestling with death and what happens next...It was sweet for me because shortly after Noah was born we took him and his big sis up to the mountains for a day outing. While we hiked around a small mountain lake, Em caught beautiful blue dragonflies in her bug bin. She remembers that day vividly, as do I every time we drive past the Mt. Evans exit on I-70, but I wasn't sad when I heard this story tonight. Another piece of the peace...

I will post every Monday night after counseling while it is fresh to allow others in on the process. I hope it encourages another person out there whose heart feels like my first paragraph to take that first step...