Monday, November 26, 2007

Displaced


Not that I need to clarify since Noah is gone and it's a little late...the docs never declared Noah as being in a coma. I asked them on several occasions and they said he was definitely NOT in a coma. If people who see Noah's photos on this blog were wondering why I always took pictures of him while he was sleeping, I didn't. The last time his eyes were consciously open was probably October 24th, 2006. His eyes would open once in a while slightly after that, but he had no cycles of wake or sleep time.

I remember each morning at the hospital I would wake up and quickly run over to Noah's crib to see if his eyes were open. I was praying so hard that one day he would just wake up from this sickening prison. I learned so much through my midnight research sessions and continue to make discoveries that I have no doubt are related to Noah's health decline. After more blood work for the three of us, I'll have no qualms about publishing this information in Noah's book.

I have no idea why I'm writing any of this today. I guess in my grief process anger ebbs and flows. My life is an open wound of late because we move out of our home, the only one Noah ever graced with his sweet little presence, the day after tomorrow. I am excited to live in a new home and to finally be able to display pictures of Em and Noah (when you put your house on the market you have to 'depersonalize' it for resale).

His other home, the hospital, is no longer there either. That part is hard for me...I really longed to go to the hospital on Thanksgiving. I thought that if I went over to the new hospital maybe I could satisfy the longing. God had other plans. Em woke up puking. As weird as it sounds, I had a lot of peace knowing I wasn't going to get the opportunity to go wander the halls of the hospital aimlessly looking for the only thing I really was seeking. Em threw up 4 times and was over it, bouncing off the walls the rest of the day, but it gave me the chance to snuggle with the kid I do have and nurture her little soul.

In grief counseling the emphasis remained, "How would we remember our child for the holidays?" My plan to go to the hospital had fallen through, our evening meal was going to be shared with some family and many new faces at someone else's home, so I was not sure how Noah might fit into that setting. As we were sharing around the table things for which we were thankful I thanked the hostess for graciously opening her heart and home to our family two years in a row. This woman, my sister's mother-in-love, is wonderful. Her smile lights up a room, her sincerity can be felt from miles away, and her genuine love for life and people is profound. One of her friends came up to me after dinner and said she did not want to upset me but was wondering if I would tell her everything about our little boy. I was grateful for the opportunity to share my heart, the Source of my strength and hope, and the story of a little boy that changed my perspective forever. He did work his way into our Thanksgiving...

18 comments:

  1. I love seeing pictures of Noah. I am praying for you as you get settled in your new home and as you face the holidays without your precious son. I can imagine all of the beautiful lights in Heaven as they prepare for the celebration of the birth of our Savior. I wish we all were enjoying Christmas from the seat that Noah has. Someday.

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  2. Wow! I'm so glad your little guy was able to take his place in your Thanksgiving gathering.

    Hey, I have something to send you. It your mailing address still the same?

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  3. shedding tears again at one of your posts... how do you *do* that? would you be willing to keep me in prayer for health related issues? I now am on high blood pressure medication at 43yrs of age and am finding myself distraught over it all... seeking GOD in it all... doing my best to Trust in Him - my Life Word.

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  4. I am so thankful Noah's presence was known on Thanksgiving and that it will continue to shine as you move into temporary housing, your new home, Christmas and January!
    The prayers continue!

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  5. Continuing to keep you in my prayers. What a blessing to share Noah with someone on Thanksgiving, and I have no doubt she was moved and forever changed, as we have all been.
    Blessings,
    Michelle

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  6. Anonymous12:54 PM

    Love you!
    This weekend, Noah's cd got to bless one of my friends who is having a very difficult time in LA. "I know it aches and your heart it breaks." Thank you for always pointing me towards walking on.
    Chris

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  7. (((HUGS))) to you dear friend. I got your card and lunch is on me anytime. I am thinking of you all as you face the holidays without Noah. I know it must be hard but can you imagine the Christmas Carols in heaven?! How I long for the day to be there to see it. Love you guys and I am assuming that address on the back of the card you sent is your new one. I will double check with Kaija as Brooklyn wanted to get a little something for Emily for Christmas.

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  8. Adrienne, I am so thrilled you were able to tell someone else of Noah. You know he is still and will always be in my family's prayers everyday as are you, Jason and Em. I found your story only a week or so after Noah went to be with the Lord and everytime I see his sweet face and read your beautiful words I am just as touched. I remember a good friend of mine calling me one day when I was drowning in tears after you posted pics of you holding Noah immediately before he passed and she asked me what was wrong, so I attempted to tell her all about this beautiful little angel I was reading about and she cried on the phone with me. She was going thru very hard times herself at that very moment as she was diagnosed with cancer and went to be with the Lord on Easter Sunday.I guess the point of telling you this is that I am so happy to have been able to share a part of Noah's life with her before she passed. I have shared my thoughts on your blog before but I would like to say again how much of an impact you and little Noah have been on me and everyone I have shared your story with. Good Luck with the move and new house!!!


    Love,
    Paula and Family

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  9. Anonymous6:50 PM

    Adrienne~

    I just needed to say... I love your heart, and pray God continues to fill it with a peace through the upcoming holidays.

    Lisa Sauer

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  10. Once again, I am in tears as God moves on my heart in response to your words.

    You will be in my prayers as this holiday season approaches. That you will be able to cherish and enjoy Em to the fullest. That your new home will be a place of peace, refreshment and joy. And that Noah's memory will have a special place in your home.

    Much love,
    Katy

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  11. Hello,
    I am a new reader to Noah's site. I have been reading your blog since yesterday at about noon. What a sweet little man Noah is. Beautiful child of God. May Noah's story continue to be shared around the world.
    Peace to you and your family this holiday season.
    Shannon and Family
    Austin, TX

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  12. Oh Adrienne,
    I don't know what happened, but I've been sick lately (something dumb - tonsillitis or a throat infection or something) and it's amazing how low it has brought me. I cried for Noah, and for you, for the first time about three days ago. I've always been interested and sad and boggled because of your blog, but I've never really taken on what it means to have a loss this great. I know now that it must feel like a giant void, an unfillable hole. Like trying to find an old favorite song or movie that you love, rummaging through all the contacts on your cell for someone, something, to scratch that itch. I'm so sorry that you are hashing this out. I am so happy that you have Jason, and Em's buoyant life.

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  13. Anonymous1:23 PM

    I will be praying for you and your family this Holiday season as it brings on many changes for your family. My heart aches for you and your loss. But you are so strong!
    As it is Thanksgiving tradition, I am going to tell you that I am thankful for you, and your openess and willingness to share your experience with others. Thankful for your tremendous faith and loving heart. Thankful that you love God and Noah enough to let him go, to be with Jesus.

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  14. I still pray for you all. I love seeing pics of sweet Noah so please don't stop posting them!!

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  15. I already posted on this enrty but I was just thinking of you and your family as you move today.
    Shannon in Austin

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  16. Anonymous5:25 AM

    Adrienne

    How beautiful your heart is. God
    is so wonderful too. In everything, even Emma's puking because I don't think your spirit really needed to go the hospital.... perhaps our humaness
    leads us to places like that...I know because I do and feel that too, but in the spirit world...You
    need not go far to see Noah.
    Adrienne....I just am so thankful for you and all the beautiful ways you honestly and openly express your heart and Noah's spirit. It
    has helped my heart more than you could know....and your strength and faith in God just is so refreshing and such a beautiful example to me.
    God's blessings on you Adrienne
    Love
    Lynda Bishop
    bishopswife@comcast.net

    p.s. May your new home be blessed
    with God's peace and hope and love.
    I am very happy for you. Decorating, especially with Emma & Noah's pictures should be such a nice thing to finally get to do.

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  17. i have a feeling that from here until eternity noah will surprise you with his 'presence' at many special days. even if it's just in a warm sensation throughout your body, or a tingling in your womb, or a fragrance of his sweet baby head.

    while all of those will be sure triggers of sorrow...God can use them to bring you great joy as well.

    every time that you post adrienne i am moved by the raw honesty. i don't know what the future holds for me and my family, but i know that i am better prepared for all of it...grief and sorrow, because of your witness of hope.

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  18. Mary - maryvede@workmail.co.za4:49 AM

    Hi Adrienne (and to everyone else reading this),

    I read your blog for the first time in a long time and the pictures of Noah still reduce me to instant tears. I am sad that I cannot keep up but
    internet access is strictly limited at my new work - I am writing this
    from an internet cafe as I cannot get on your blog otherwise!!

    I am not sure if you remember me - from SA ... but I would be ever so
    grateful if you could pray for a friend of mine's 15 month old. His name is Connor (her name is Tammy and she has also emailed you in the past)

    Connor is currently on life support after undergoing an operation. Tammy
    is also pregnant (about 8 weeks) so this is really taking its toll on
    her!! Please can you spread the word so that we can get as many prayers
    as possible for little Connor and his family!!

    Here is the whole story ... (sorry its so long) ...

    Can you please pray for baby Connor. He has had a hard life thus far and
    is currently in hospital in critical condition after being operated on (a
    cut from his little chest down to his naval). Connor is only 15 months
    old but has proven to be a little fighter. His mommy and daddy are
    distraught.

    Please join his family, friends and me in prayer that he makes it through
    this - like the little fighter he is!

    Thanks for reading, please share with all your friends and family - I know
    you don't know Connor, but collective prayer can work miracles!!



    This was an update from his mommy (Tammy) last night ….
    Well Conner got out of theatre at 10:30 last night. My angel is not doing
    well and i'm struggling to type this as the tears stream down my face.

    Conner is critical and in ICU. HIs blood pressure is very low, his heart
    is beating very very fast and we have to take it as it comes. I phoned now
    and he is not stable at the moment.

    He is on a ventilator, he has about 5 drains in his little body and he is
    in an acoma. he has received blood and will receive more i presume today.

    His stomach pushed through his diaphragm and into his chest, compressing
    his little lungs. The stomach then ruptured (opened) in his chest cavity
    and all the stomach contents spilled into his chest. They rinsed it and
    rinsed it as best tehy can. They had to reconstruct his stomach and the
    mansis (sp???)(the fatty layer that is by the stomach), they have taken
    the nissan fold out too.

    He crashed during surgery and the aneathetists words to us "i really never
    thought he was going to make it through surgery".

    He is very sick guys and i'm almost hesterical here, i don't know what to do.

    I can't believe this has all happened in a space of 24 hours. My child, my
    baby, my angel, my love, my monster, MY LIFE is fighting for his life and
    I can do nothing to help him.

    ladies i beg of u, to please start spreading the word that my angel neeeds
    prayers, he needs lots and lots of prayers and i'm asking u to please
    please please pray as hard as you can.

    I have asked God to hold him now and comfort him, but to please give him
    back to me as i need my angel in my life.

    Please pray for the same.

    Posted a while ago by a friend …..
    Conner is now on 100% life support!

    Please ladies, pray and pray for this lil man - he has been so strong and
    he just needs our faith in him and our prayers to pull him through this.

    Tammy really needs us all right now - pray for her and her lil bean as
    well please.

    Posted at 11:15am ….
    Conner’s life support has been increased and he has fluid on one of his
    lungs ….

    Go to http://forum.mommy.co.za for more information and for updates ….
    Facebook “Prayer for Connor” Group
    http://www.facebook.com/n/?group.php&gid=22353736040

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