Emily wants me to procreate once more. She wants another baby brother.
She FINALLY thinks they are cute.
I just turned 40. She was at the party...she remembers, however...
She's working on multiplication and division in school, but she's forgotten that 1 + 1 = 2 because Daddy doesn't want Mommy to procreate once more and he's the 1 that I would need in the equation.
I'm torn but not that torn. I'm more tired. Some women can tackle a bushel. I'm not them...
Kids are a blessings, don't get me wrong. And just because I turned 40 doesn't mean I think I'm too old to procreate...it's just that I thought I'd be WAY done with this scene, well, a few years back, to be honest.
I talked with a friend and told her our non-dilemma: that Em is finally warming up to having siblings so now that we're done she would like another, please.
My friend has also lost a child. She said she'd have a baby tomorrow if she could but doesn't feel like that's their path, either.
She thinks that we will probably always want "another" because we've lost children. With a kid in Heaven the kitchen table doesn't seem quite full.
I think she's pretty smart.
I also know that having more or being perpetually pregnant will never fill the void of the one I lost. I would never think that. Though Ryan looks exactly like his big brother, he's not a replacement...which is probably why "I'm torn but not that torn" if that makes sense?!
Torn because with each pregnancy I've lost and with each child that has stuck around, I've gotten a glimpse of beauty in meeting a new person I would not have met had I not walked through the pain.
Not that torn because I'm 40 and my heart is full and I'm loving the family I have been given like crazy and even though life hasn't turned out exactly as I had planned, it's still beautiful and I wouldn't change it.
Plus, I explained to Em that there are female and male sperm and that male sperm swim faster but tucker out after a bit but female sperm last longer so really it's a race to the finish, aka the egg, and whoever gets there first wins and if she wants a brother, there's no guarantee a male sperm will be the victor and what if she ends up with a little sister who would always want to play in her make-up, plus, I'm 40 so my eggs are getting old?!
Sheesh! The things I have to explain to this kid to get her off my back ;)
So, no, this is not an announcement, fyi. My quiver is full...
Thank you for putting that so well, that when you have a child in heaven, the table never seems quite full. Seriously, its been 10 years, and that is still so true. My oldest daughter has been in Heaven for 10 years, God blessed us with 4 children after her, and yet I still always feel like someone is missing. There are days when I think that we should have had one more, because there is something missing.... It took me a while after my youngest was born (she is 4) to wrap my brain around it.... There IS someone missing. There always will be. Its our oldest daughter, and having more children won't fill that void.
ReplyDeleteAgain, just wanted to say "well said"! Thank you for your constant honesty and keeping up with your blog. Hugs from Georgia!