Adrienne Graves - Life with Intention

Thursday, June 14, 2007

My Empty Shopping Cart

Something strange that has happened in the last year is my aversion to grocery shopping. Em and I used to go regularly on Wednesdays or every other Wednesday before Noah was born. It was our routine. She would grab one of those mini kid size carts and follow me around the store, the whole time I'm praying that my heels don't get plowed over. So then, Noah was born and was at home for only 7 1/2 weeks. 2 of those weeks Jason was out of town for work and one of them, the four of us were in South Dakota, so I only went grocery shopping once during that time frame. When August 2nd came along, grocery shopping was the last thing on my mind. Also, our families were in town for 5 1/2 months straight, running those errands for us, so I knew Em wasn't going to go hungry. It was a burden lifted, not to mention meals at the hospital for those months!

After January 12th, we still had family in town for a while, but our freezer was stocked full, along with our cupboards, and people were still helping with that particular errand. So, here we are on June 14th and my husband asks me quite frequently if I'm ever going to go to the grocery store? I have gone a few times since Noah died (yes, I realized it's been 5 months and I only said 'a few times'...). A couple months ago I went but I didn't realize how much emotional fortitude I had to muster just to get groceries. I went because at my house, eating the archives of the pantry doesn't fly well with the hubby. He's not high maintenance at all, but where Em and I could get by eating breakfast for dinner or veggies and a can of beans from the back of the bottom shelf...well, Jason...not so much. He likes chicken or salmon and veggies, maybe some rice or potatoes. And though any kind of vegetable, save eggplant, is my favorite food of all time, it means going to the grocery store...AND THAT MEANS NOAH'S NOT IN MY CART, GRABBING HIS TOES, COOING, SMILING, AND STARING BACK AT ME.

Yeah, I figured it out.

I have a hill to traverse and it's the mental picture, or what is lacking in that picture, of me at the grocery store. It may sound small to some, and believe me, I don't feel sorry for myself, nor do I expect it from someone else. Jason is fully aware of my aversion to the grocery store now. He's gone and done it a few times, but he always goes when he's hungry and brings home bags of chips and Milano cookies! One day a few months back Em and I went to the store, without a list, mind you, and upon hearing the total bill from the checkout clerk, my jaw almost hit the floor! I didn't know what we really needed, and just kept buying multiples of things so I could stock the cupboards and not have to return. I remember coming home with 4 jars of spaghetti sauce...except we rarely eat spaghetti! With that ticket, you would have thought I was feeding of family of 5 teenage boys, not a husband with a moderate appetite and a four year old that would eat quesadillas and apples every day of her life if given the chance.

So, all that to say, I'm asking for a couple extra prayers to be sent up for the mental blockage I have over missing Noah at the grocery store. It's not like we spent so much time there together! I don't have all these wonderful memories that make me sad about 'the time Noah helped me pick out a beautiful artichoke' or 'remember how the meat counter lady sliced the turkey...' And it's not that I sit there and bawl, either. I can't quite put my finger on it, but if I don't get my buns in gear and get to the store soon, just a financial pointer for all...everyone should buy stock in Qdoba and Tokyo Joe's! No, seriously!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

On the 10th when I woke up, every picture in my head was as clear from a year prior as if it were happening all over again. I woke up thinking, "Well, a year ago I was having mild contractions 5 minutes apart..." I called Marie, my sweet friend and doula, and asked her what I should do...she told me to bake something or clean the house...I put a rump roast in the crock pot, did some laundry, and cleaned the house...the contractions remained 5 minutes apart but grew in intensity. I called to tell her that they were getting a little stronger but I could still do plenty. She said to head to the hospital when the contractions were causing me to slow down and concentrate on breathing. I hopped in the shower, shaved, did my hair, a touch of waterproof mascara, and thought it might be about time to pack my overnight bag! Meanwhile, Jason and Em were sitting quietly on the couch watching 'The Sound of Music', waiting patiently for my cue. Em kept asking Jason, "When's my little brother coming? When are we going to get the baby out of mommy's tummy?" Jason kept responding, "Whenever your mom says so..." At 3pm, we headed to the ER to check in. The contractions were more intense by the time we walked through the doors of the hospital, and I was having to hold onto things to breathe every 5 minutes. At about 3:15 when we headed to the LD floor, there was a group of pregnant women touring the hospital, all smiling and giddy, not knowing what was in store until they saw me trying to walk down the hallway! They grew quiet. I wasn't being loud or obnoxious, I was just trying to breathe and walk simultaneously, which usually isn't a problem for me!

I was ready to go for it at 5:45, but the substitute doctor was late, so I wasn't allowed to push! Finally, Noah was born at 6:57pm with Jason by my side, along with my little sister, Dana, and 3 dear girlfriends, Marie, Becky and Rachel. A worship CD that my sister had made played continually in the background. It was a beautiful day!

Fast forward one year later and we are all together celebrating Noah's life, once more. Many friends surrounded us physically while everyone else was encouraging us with prayer. Thank you! We had a big 'bring your own picnic' at a park near our home and were going to have a bike parade for the kids, but the wind got pretty intense and it started to sprinkle, so we skipped that. Once the wind stopped and the skies cleared, God sent...yep, you guessed it, a beautiful rainbow! How stinkin' cool is that?! People were starting to head home, so we ended the afternoon with a rainbow balloon send off...I only wish in reality that balloons actually made it to heaven. I know heaven's full of kids, and what kid doesn't love balloons?! I'm quite convinced that entertainment in heaven is cooler than here, though, so I'm not that worried about it. He's not missing out, on anything really, we are...How could you be 'missing out' when you are beholding the Glory of God?! Maranatha!

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Surely this will be a short visit at the hospital...

And so the story goes...tomorrow is June 10th. It will always be June 10th a year from today for the rest of time until Christ's return. Until then, there will never not be a June 10th. On January 12th, Noah's eternal birthday, June 10th did not disappear. Until we are in God's glory forever, watches, clocks and calendars will always mark the time and date. I'm glad that June 10th didn't cease to exist the day Noah died. I obviously never thought it would or could. It's important to remember. I remember by the minute, but usually every second of every day. I miss this beautiful boy who opened my eyes to eternity and God's glory. I live in this surreal reality that my sweet son is no longer physically in my life. It sucks. It is sad. I have a deep profound sadness in the core of my being, an enormously empty spot in my heart, and at the same time this immeasurable peace and joy for having known him and knowing where he is at this moment. The day Noah was born was one of the happiest days of my life, as was the day Em was born. Automatically loving selflessly in the instant your child is born is a miracle in itself. It's unfathomable since selfishness is so natural to me, and all of mankind...

Noah, I know you want me there more than I want you here, and I will live in that pursuit with all of my heart and all of my soul and all of my mind because God is the One I seek, but as your mommy, I'm not going to lie to you...I miss you, plain and simple, I miss you. I know in heaven there is no measure of time, but here on earth, one year ago, tomorrow is the day you entered our hearts and changed our perspective...I love you forever...how could I not?