My Empty Shopping Cart

Something strange that has happened in the last year is my aversion to grocery shopping. Em and I used to go regularly on Wednesdays or every other Wednesday before Noah was born. It was our routine. She would grab one of those mini kid size carts and follow me around the store, the whole time I'm praying that my heels don't get plowed over. So then, Noah was born and was at home for only 7 1/2 weeks. 2 of those weeks Jason was out of town for work and one of them, the four of us were in South Dakota, so I only went grocery shopping once during that time frame. When August 2nd came along, grocery shopping was the last thing on my mind. Also, our families were in town for 5 1/2 months straight, running those errands for us, so I knew Em wasn't going to go hungry. It was a burden lifted, not to mention meals at the hospital for those months!

After January 12th, we still had family in town for a while, but our freezer was stocked full, along with our cupboards, and people were still helping with that particular errand. So, here we are on June 14th and my husband asks me quite frequently if I'm ever going to go to the grocery store? I have gone a few times since Noah died (yes, I realized it's been 5 months and I only said 'a few times'...). A couple months ago I went but I didn't realize how much emotional fortitude I had to muster just to get groceries. I went because at my house, eating the archives of the pantry doesn't fly well with the hubby. He's not high maintenance at all, but where Em and I could get by eating breakfast for dinner or veggies and a can of beans from the back of the bottom shelf...well, Jason...not so much. He likes chicken or salmon and veggies, maybe some rice or potatoes. And though any kind of vegetable, save eggplant, is my favorite food of all time, it means going to the grocery store...AND THAT MEANS NOAH'S NOT IN MY CART, GRABBING HIS TOES, COOING, SMILING, AND STARING BACK AT ME.

Yeah, I figured it out.

I have a hill to traverse and it's the mental picture, or what is lacking in that picture, of me at the grocery store. It may sound small to some, and believe me, I don't feel sorry for myself, nor do I expect it from someone else. Jason is fully aware of my aversion to the grocery store now. He's gone and done it a few times, but he always goes when he's hungry and brings home bags of chips and Milano cookies! One day a few months back Em and I went to the store, without a list, mind you, and upon hearing the total bill from the checkout clerk, my jaw almost hit the floor! I didn't know what we really needed, and just kept buying multiples of things so I could stock the cupboards and not have to return. I remember coming home with 4 jars of spaghetti sauce...except we rarely eat spaghetti! With that ticket, you would have thought I was feeding of family of 5 teenage boys, not a husband with a moderate appetite and a four year old that would eat quesadillas and apples every day of her life if given the chance.

So, all that to say, I'm asking for a couple extra prayers to be sent up for the mental blockage I have over missing Noah at the grocery store. It's not like we spent so much time there together! I don't have all these wonderful memories that make me sad about 'the time Noah helped me pick out a beautiful artichoke' or 'remember how the meat counter lady sliced the turkey...' And it's not that I sit there and bawl, either. I can't quite put my finger on it, but if I don't get my buns in gear and get to the store soon, just a financial pointer for all...everyone should buy stock in Qdoba and Tokyo Joe's! No, seriously!