Thursday, June 28, 2007

I read Job 38 this morning because I don't know about you, but my perspective in life has radically changed and I needed a reality check. It's good to have a reality check more frequently than not because God is God and I am not and His will is unfathomable and it is easy to lose sight of His purposes when we allow ourselves to be overcome by our circumstances...life on earth.

That is my struggle, that is what I am wrestling with in a very real way right now. I share this so that if anyone reading knows someone who has lost a child, you can have a glimpse of what daily ladens that person's heart...It's not that I don't believe God is all powerful and awesome, loving and purposeful in everything under the sun, it's just that the reality of what occurs here on earth is often too heartbreaking to carry on my own.
Perhaps it's the adrenaline wearing off of the last year because I know it's not my faith wavering, but the depth of sadness that I experience is what I have to figure out how to embrace...it is what it is. Nothing will ever replace Noah and no one on earth can carry this for us. It is ours to bear. Yes, Christ carries our burdens, but that does not erase Noah from my heart or memory...

I miss Noah every second of every day. There isn't a moment that passes that I am not reminded of him and his sweet life. And though it is not debilitating physically, or even spiritually, it is a profound newness that has changed me forever. I said before I was happy that I died on January 12th so that I could truly live, but being 'me' and not who I was is what I am trying to figure out...

30 comments:

  1. Your honesty on this blog is truly inspiring Adrienne. Thanks for sharing your heart. I'll always be praying for you....there are two little boys that I see at our local library almost every week named Noah, and I use them as a reminder to continue praying for you and your family.

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  2. Anonymous7:51 AM

    "I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am." Philippians 4:11-13

    "You may be filled with all the FULLNESS of God." Ephesians 3:19

    "He who belives in Me, as the Scriptures has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water." John 7:38

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  3. Adrienne,

    I have not lost a child so I can not possibly ever know how you are feeling. I really don't know what so say to make it easier for you other than I'm sorry and I pray that God will again help you thru this. I think about your family everyday and of Noah.....That is me, as a stranger, so I can only imagine how many times you think about him. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  4. WOW! Great passage to remind us of the WONDER and POWER of HIM! I also love Psalm 139! :) You are in my prayers so often - may God sustain you and give you HIS measure of strength for each day! :)

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  5. Anonymous8:05 AM

    Adrienne,

    Last summer we found our daughter at the bottom of my parent's pool. By the GRACE of God we were able to bring her back and she is completely fine. During those few moments when I thought she was gone I was so completely broken. Even today nobody understands what my husband and I go through or how many panic attacks I've had worrying that it will happen again. Every day I pray that God would watch over both of my children and keep them safe and out of harms way. For a few minutes I felt what it was like to lose a child. I pray I never have that feeling again.

    As well, I never thought that the situation would be used for God's glory. But my husband is now using this as a tool to tell others about Christ through his sports ministry (He goes into prisons and plays softball and ministers to the prisoners).

    All this to say that I am praying for you and I pray that God would wrap his loving arms around you. You have touched so many lives through this and have been so faithful. You are truly an example I would like to follow. You will never forget Noah and one day you will together again.

    Wendy

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  6. Anonymous8:14 AM

    ((((Adrienne))))
    That is a cyber hug for you today from someone who cares about (yet does not fully know) what you are going through.

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  7. I read somewhere that faith is not ignoring the circumstances... it's looking past them to the One who can do the impossible. I've been reading your blog for months, and see that that is exactly what you are doing. When the sadness hits, you take it to Him instead of running away. You keep your heart soft before Him.

    There is so much about God that we can't understand, and often things just don't make sense. I just want to encourage you that He is doing many things you can't see yet. He is so pleased with your response, even if you see it as less than it should be... He sees the desire at your core, and that is enough.

    I pray that He will continue to give you the strength you need to turn your burdens back to Him. I pray that He will help you figure out the new you... and be able to rest in Him for those areas that are beyond figuring out.

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  8. You know that I can relate to everything you've said having experienced my own reality check or what I sometimes refer to as my "rude awakening". You're right, there's not much time that goes by that our children our not on our minds and they will never be erased from our hearts! I know these emotions and feelings come in waves and I will be praying for you during this time.

    (((Hugs)))
    Julie
    www.emmakatespage.blogspot.com

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  9. Oh it sucks so badly. I hate that you have to endure such profound sadness. I cannot even fathom what you feel, I only know I wish I could take it from you.
    I also believe with my whole heart that God's love covers you and will deliver you over time from the grief. Not that you won't always miss Noah and feel sadness, but that it will be more bearable. I am praying that God will bring just the right counselor into your life to help you through the grieving process.
    I love you dear friend!

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  10. Praying for you!

    Thanks for sharing your heart, and please know that there are many of us that would help with your burden if that were possible.

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  11. Anonymous10:38 AM

    Praying for you...Love, Jodie

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  12. I am praying that each day that passes gets easier for you. I have never talked about this to anyone before. I have two children in heaven. I feel like a piece of me is missing that will never be there again until Christ's return.

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  13. Anonymous11:12 AM

    Adrienne

    I have learned, as I am sure you have to, there is a purpose for everything. Somethings often leave us wondering, "why?". I cannot begin to imagine what you feel on a daily basis, but I do feel for you. I am so thankful for your family, and little Noah. You all have brought me so much, but I am saddened that it had to come in the midst of a great loss. The Lord has presented me with so much. For some reason, I have met quite a few mom's going through what you are going through. A few before I read your blogs, and a few since learning about your story and Noah. The Lord is presenting me with this for a reason, and I know he wants me to do something, or he is preparing me for something, but I still haven't figured out what. All I can do is pray. Everything will fall into perspective in the Lord's time.

    Love,
    Mary Geeslin

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  14. Anonymous11:47 AM

    Adrienne,

    I've was brought to your blog through a fellow host on BBC about 4 months ago, and have been a "follower" of yours since then. I've been reading every day, but today your message brought me to post. I feel I could have written your words today 2 years ago when I lost my son. It wasn't God I was questioning every day for the months that followed, it was me questioning myself. Who was I now? What was my role?

    I can tell you now, 2 years later, that I am just starting to figure out what it is, and it's been a hard 2 years. I know you faith in God is remarkable, as I am constanting shaking my head up and down at ALL of your posts--I totally agree. I had a hard time greiving for my son, not because I didn't love him, but because I knew he was God's all along, and once I found (or at least I hope I have found), my purpose, His will, in my son's loss, it has redeemed me a new woman in Christ. The sadness is gone. I can look at his picture and see what I hope to be is the good I can do for other mother's who have lost children, whether that be through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. But it was a long 2 years, and my dream for opening up a ministry through my church to help other greiving mother's is still far from my reach, I know it's there, whether it take another 6 months to start, or 3 years.

    Sorry to ramble so much. I just wanted to share my perspective as someone who has lost a child. God Bless you Adrienne, and your love for God and all His challenges along the way. I pray that God helps you find the "you" that you are today, and that His will for you is more rewarding and more amazing than you ever thought possible.

    God Bless,
    Amanda

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  15. Anonymous2:30 PM

    Adrienne~ I sure can relate to that struggle of finding a new you. I've emailed you our story, so I won't go into all of that now, but I went through that search for a new me when I lost the first child, and I went through it again when we lost the second child. It's part of the journey... not always easy, but then He never promised us a life without sorrow. Thanks for the reality check; I think we all need that once in a while. :)

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  16. Anonymous3:25 PM

    Sandy took the words right out of my own heart. I think of you all so frequently, think of Noah so much, I can only imagine. Today I pray that you still feel that big warm fuzzy blanket of love from all of us out here - around the world - covering all three of you as you learn how to live life again and deal with this change.

    Much love!
    -Annalisa

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  17. Anonymous3:53 PM

    Adrienne, I haven't lost a child, so I can't imagine the pain and loss that you feel, but I did want to remind you what an incredible mother and remarkable human being you are. Your words inspire so many people every day and I do hope that you will find some comfort in the support of others. Hang in there and may tomorrow be a little easier than today.

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  18. Anonymous6:47 PM

    http://ingliseast.typepad.com/ingliseast/
    another family that just lost their child and understands what you are experiencing. also needing prayers. came to me from some friends.

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  19. My heart aches so much for you. I think of you and Noah everyday. I can't imagine what it is like for you to miss him every second. I wish that peace would overcome your heart. That you would still miss Noah with all that you are, but that you would not have such pain. I honestly don't know how you do it. I know it's been said over and over, but you are truly an inspiration.

    I really hope that you find the "you" that is who you are now. I also hope that when you find her, you find her with a big smile on her face, a heart full of love, and a life that makes her very, very happy! I know I have no idea what you are going through, but I do know that through you and your precious son, I have found a better me. A me that hungers for my God and is determined to grow in my faith. I will always owe that to you and can never thank you enough.

    We just had our family pictures taken and I got them back and there is one that makes me think so much of you. We are in a park and my husband is laying on his stomach and I'm leaning over him and my son is leaning on top of me. My husband and I are looking at the camera with normal smiles on our faces. But my son is looking down on us. He has a huge smile on his face. A smile of complete happiness. When I see that smile, I can imagine the smile Noah must have for you three as he looks down on you from heaven and is missing and loving you just as much as you do him.

    God bless you always!

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  20. Hi,
    I came upon your blog thru another's blog and have been reading for a few weeks and trying to read back thru your journey. It is so evidnent the way God is using you and your story and your loss to touch others. Your openness & vulnerability that you share create an avenue for others to relate and find hope & healing. You are a courageous woman and you've faced adversity and the loss of Noah with the hope of Christ which is such a testament to your faith.

    God Bless you and I will keep clicking in on my blog-travels!

    Rhonda
    Sugarcreek, OH

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  21. I so totally understand this... we never had a family picture with Morgen... there will always be someone missing... so no matter how long it has been, there is a hole there. The pain just changes a little, it never goes away.

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  22. Anonymous9:54 PM

    Adrienne,
    I truely admire you and think that you are an amazing woman. I am amazed by your faith and you inspire me to walk a better walk every day.
    I am a mom of 3 kids, each who have their own 'special need' of some sort, but at the same time are all very typically functioning children. Our second son was a very severe medical needs baby and there was a specific time that we were very close to losing him. But, by the grace of God, he lived and has also overcome all of his medical needs and is a typical kiddo now. The experience when we almost lost him, it stays at the forefront of my mind, maybe it is Gods way of reminding me that our children really do belong to him. That is a hard one to swallow though, as you describe so well as to how you miss your Noah so much.....
    I came to your blog just before New Years, I am a daily fan of yours and I really hope that you realize how many people's lives you have impacted. You have strengthened my faith and reminded me even more of the amazing grace that God grants us.
    I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through, or what you must be feeling. I can say though that I would be more concerned if you were not going through these struggles.
    Lean on Him, and know that we are praying for you!!
    Love and Hugs,
    Beth in Brighton, CO
    dbgecochran@msn.com
    PS. My guy had a trach as well and was also at TCH Denver many times, I was hooked to your story right away!!

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  23. Adrienne, your words and honesty have touched so many people. Your grace and trust in the Lord is inspiring to so many, and even though I suppose some of us question our faith on a daily basis, especially when things are tough or in times of loss, we always come back to Him—his love is a sure thing!
    Noah may have left this earth, but certainly his love shines down daily, especially when you have these tough days, he asks the Lord to send you comfort, as do I.

    {{hugs}} to you

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  24. At times I find there is nothing more liberating then removing my "this was God's will, I know Ricky is safe and free from all pain" fasade (although in my heart those words are so true)...

    Sometimes even though we have the peace of Christ we still have moments when we need to admit to ourselves and to the world... that it still hurts... that the peace exists somehow simultaneously with the pain, and that being left behind is a form of torture that we live with every single second of every day.

    As beautifully as you have endured this unbearable journey... you still have every right to not be "OK" with it. It sucks. Sometimes that's just the bottom line.

    Thanks for sharing. You took the words right out of my mouth.

    You Sister in Christ... Meghan
    www.littlemanricky.com

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  25. May you be blessed with joy today. May the Lord hold you tight and love on you as only HE can.

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  26. Adrienne,
    Your strength astounds me. You have every right to feel the way you do. God knows your intentions so you go trough these different processes however you see fit. It is obvious that He is leading you. Always stand on His word and don't back down, you'll never go wrong that way.

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  27. Adrienne, you are an amazing woman with so much faith and love in your heart. Thank you for being so authentic and touching and inspiring so many. This does suck, and for that I am sorry. I wish there was something I could do, other than pray and know that you are wrapped in the loving arms of Jesus. I do have about 10 hugs waiting to be given to you though.

    May the LORD shine HIS face upon you today, for you ARE HIS precious child.

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  28. Cassie3:15 PM

    Every time I hear this song, I think of Noah and your family and pray for you. I am sure you have heard it...

    HELD, by Natalie Grant

    Two months is too little.
    They let him go.
    They had no sudden healing.
    To think that providence would
    Take a child from his mother while she prays
    Is appalling.

    Who told us we'd be rescued?
    What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
    We're asking why this happens
    To us who have died to live?
    It's unfair.

    Chorus:
    This is what it means to be held.
    How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
    And you survive.
    This is what it is to be loved.
    And to know that the promise was
    When everything fell we'd be held.

    This hand is bitterness.
    We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
    The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

    (Chorus)

    Bridge:
    If hope is born of suffering.
    If this is only the beginning.
    Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

    (Chorus)

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  29. Today I watched Noah's slide show (again), and the look of adoration on your face is so familiar to anyone who's a Mama. It makes me mourn with you. But I wish there was some way that all of us could ease your burden of grief. Eventhough we don't know you in "real" life, I pray that as we enter into [a SHADOW of] your suffering, that we could be obeying the command to "bear one another's burdens."

    "Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn."

    I just love your family Adrienne and pray for you often, Erika

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  30. Love you friend. I'll hug you when you get here.

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