A little tired...

Ryan Everett
6 lbs 5oz
20 in
Born at 4:41pm on August 28th, 2010
A blessing from God
We just got home today and Adrienne will post more later ~ Jason

(Adrienne here...just got a text from my friend...if you happened to check in a little earlier, we are obviously tired. No, we did not name our son "Noah Everett" as Jason had posted. His name is "Ryan Everett" and he totally stinking ROCKS! I'm excited to share the journey, but as I said earlier, I'm busy staring at our new guy, working on the kink in my neck, and loving every minute of it...I will post later, but just wanted to confirm that we are tired, not crazy, and did not name our son after his big brother...we named him after a different hero...)

I like most things natural...produce, peanut butter, acupuncture, herbal remedies...but, baby, I'm not gonna lie...I'm loving this epidural! Just hanging out waiting to meet "Baby Nacho".

Redemption?

So, I guess since I'm due in less than a week it's probably time to have some more belly shots...my friend Gina took these of me on my front porch. The memory on my camera has been full and I've been a bit busy. I guess documenting this pregnancy has been a bit surreal for me.

Anyway...

I've realized that I think I'm afraid to actually meet "Baby Nacho". I remember after Noah died that I wished I could have gone back to when he was in my belly, safe, alive, just the two of us, him tucked away from the cares and curse of the world.

Everyone keeps wondering when this little man will make his grand entrance. I know I should be so excited, but it does not seem real. I obviously don't know the future, but part of my heart wants to keep him all to myself because as long as he's in my belly, at least in my heart, he's okay.

Yeah, it sounds like I have zero faith, hope or trust that God's got a different scenario laid out for this child. Believe me, my faith is way bigger than zero...

People have said things to me over the last several months to the effect of, "God will redeem the situation" or "Oh, it's a boy! What a redeeming story!"

I have some serious thoughts, feelings, and words about the above sentiments. God does not have to "redeem" anything. By us having another boy doesn't mean God is "redeeming" our loss of another little boy. What if this one was a daughter? Would that mean He was only sorta redeeming it? What if we had never been pregnant again? Would that mean redemption wasn't written for us?

Redemption or redeem is defined: to buy back; to win back; to free from what distresses or harms; to change for the better; to repair or restore; to atone for or expiate as in an error

God did not make an error when He made Noah the way He did. And, another baby boy will not win back Noah's life. And as far as "buying back" or "winning back"...my heart never ran away...even though I don't always understand or agree with the way God runs the Universe, I totally trust Him and trust that the bigger picture He is able to see is much more glorious than the one I see, even with eyes of faith...so no, I don't need "buying back" because I never ran.

God is amazing and so difficult to understand at the same time! I believe whether we ever had another child or not, Redemption, in its true definition, has already happened in our lives. It is for every single person on the face of the earth from the beginning until the end who will choose to believe. It was planned for since day one in time, and it occurred about 2000 years ago through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. He is our Redeemer.

And this is a different boy, not in place of the last one, but another one, a different one, with his own story...a story that will be written one day at a time because of God's grace...and for God's glory alone.

Trivial pursuit...

After Noah died I could never imagine myself thinking or acting on anything that didn't have eternal value or a world changing after effect.

Engaging in the day to day was a difficult task, not only physically but emotionally and mentally. I had difficulty having trite conversations or giving a rip about petty pursuits...yet at the same time, because I live on earth, I would have to embrace those pursuits like laundry, grocery shopping, filling the car with gas, even dusting gigantic creatures out from behind long neglected furniture or caring about the PTA.

I hated it! I resented that day to day existence didn't have more of a "POW" or "PUNCH!" I still had to make dinner and my kid was still dead.

Continuing on, not "moving on" or "getting over it", but continuing on is one of the most difficult steps of grief. I'm no grief expert, but I sure as hell know what I'm talking about when it comes to my own grief. Sometimes, in order to get through another day without the person you loved, you just have to not care what the heck anyone else thinks and allow your heart and mind to be somewhere else...somewhere trivial...somewhere not centered on loss and despair...because that will always be there.

Going there may cause feelings of guilt, but there is no ONE WAY to grieve...and I personally advocate escapism when it comes to grief...and I could sure use a dose.

Grief sucks because as long as we've lost someone we loved, we'll always grieve. We will never NOT grieve. Even with time, which for me personally has helped bring some healing, we will still miss those people...wondering.

No, I won't and don't spend every single day missing Noah. But there hasn't been a day in 4 years that I have not thought about him. Days and dates come and go that hold significance for the short 7 months he spent on this earth...

One day in particular was the day Noah was admitted to the hospital...for the rest of his life. It was August 2nd, 2006. Four years later, on August 2nd, Jason and I spent the day with friends we love like family...in a hospital here in Colorado, where we all said goodbye to someone we loved very much.

And yet, somehow in the days leading up to the guys' surgeries, we were living life just like the next guy...dropping Em off at camp, surprising her with a "TWEEN" room makeover, running here and there, nesting for "Baby Nacho".

And then life stopped. Literally. At least for a lot of people who loved Ryan.

And then the part that sucked is that life started to continue...but for us, just as it has affected our lives since Jason's dad's death, Noah's death and now Ryan's death, life will include some trivial, but it won't be trivial. There will be a "norm", but life will be anything but "normal".

Just like the tag line for the retreats my non-profit organization hosts states, we will "find the extraordinary in the normal".

Picking up Em from camp...she informed us it was the first and last time she'd be going there.
(So, it did not go quite as we expected...)

Em's favorite color is aqua...somehow I caved and decided to paint her room that color...she is completely OVER pink and so INTO aqua.

Above is a 200+ year old sleigh bed I slept in when I was a girl (less than 200 yrs ago, of course). I found "TWEEN" bedding that incorporated all the colors she's currently "into".

Em and Lady loved the room and she, at 8, now thinks she's pretty old and cool!

And, for whatever reason, this hideous thing made it into the room because she was given a dollar at a garage sale to buy whatever she wanted...I think when I was a girl I had glass swans with liquid in them and paper mache clowns from Mexico...sorry, Mom! What a decorating NIGHTMARE!

Lady loved the new look. She pretty much just loves Em and likes to snuggle her and follow her places.

For those who recall, I painted those glow in the dark rings and circles for her original pink little girl room. They still glow so I'm not touching those.

That's Em's little "vestibule" in her room where her mirror is now face height so she can apply clear lip gloss.

And those are 50-60 year old baseball mitts that were my dad's when he was a boy...they are a glimpse into the trivial I've been working on since, in the midst of all the last month has brought our way, we still have something very monumental and extraordinary on the horizon...and it's the anticipation of a sweet baby boy's arrival into this world. I'll let you see what I'm doing with them in another post.

TIME

The "Fall of Man" was for sure, by far, hand's down the crappiest day since the dawn of TIME.

I know there have been terrible, horrific, life-altering days throughout the history of the world that have affected more people than just the first two people loved wholeheartedly by the Creator of the Universe, but as far as changing the whole course of history...that day sucked, for sure!

I mean, really, right?! Oh, poor Adam and Eve! Yeah, they had it so rough, right?! I feel really sorry for them. God made them...in His own image...showed the vastness of His love by giving them every good thing He had just creatively made in The Garden, save ONE. We all know that genocide kills more people than Adam and Eve, and besides, they left The Garden with their lives!

Yes, they did leave The Garden alive...but now they would surely know the effects of death.

I know to the naked eye, the fact that Adam and Eve weren't zapped with a lightning bolt and fried to a crisp for their disobedience makes some think the effects of their choice were not all that grave...or that their consequences were simply felt by them...make no mistake, it was a grave decision...and we still feel the repercussions.

One repercussion of The Fall, I believe, is TIME.

We live in TIME. We measure it. We function within TIME. For us, those living here on Earth currently who can read this blog, TIME is all we know. Unless we've been to Heaven and returned, we cannot fathom the difference between life measured in ETERNITY and life lived out in TIME.

Part of The Fall is that we live in the tangible yet are expected to hope in a faith we cannot see but somehow are able feel.

Don't get me wrong, TIME can be great! The anticipation of an exciting event like a birth or marriage, a vacation or TIME spent with people you love...that kind of TIME can be so beautiful and fulfilling.

And then, of course, the passage of TIME can be trying sometimes, even excruciating. For instance WAITING for something you really want, like a kid waiting for their birthday or Christmas...the place where waiting and patience collide.

I've read in God's word that "life is but a breath". I have gathered from His word that God functions in a different realm of TIME than I can see or grasp. I have experienced that life is short, yet losing someone we love, regardless of how much TIME we did get to spend with them, as long as we live on this Earth, that amount of TIME will never be enough.

Whether it's 93 years, 49 years, 34 years, 20 years, 7 months, or an hour, because we live within the boundaries of TIME, it will always hurt for those of us left over.

It's no secret that since losing Noah my perspective on life and death has radically changed. The same is true about TIME. When Jesus said He'd be back "soon", I know He meant it...even though according to our measurement that was, like 2000 years ago! So, I have to allow my heart to trust that "soon" to God is measured differently than "soon" to us, here and now.

And one day, when we are able to see more clearly because we will be with God, I imagine we won't even have to measure TIME or look back and wonder why then, why so soon?

We will be in ETERNITY, free from the effects of The Fall and with all the TIME in the world.

...until then, even though we hope, we grieve in TIME.