On August 2nd, 2006, Noah left our home for the rest of his earth life. I really thought it would be a short trip. It was supposed to be an outpatient visit with neurology. I woke up bawling. For some reason, the year anniversary of the day he entered the hospital is harder than I expected. I am grateful that times have changed and that Em was allowed to visit her brother whenever she wanted to. I told her that today, one year ago, she was at home with a babysitter while we took Noah to the hospital. She said, "He never came home again." I said, "I know, Em. I think that stinks. I really miss that beautiful boy." She said, "I miss him, too." It's been difficult for me to read whether Emily knows how to miss her brother. Sometimes when I ask her, she says, "No. He's in heaven. He's okay." But, the other night, I told her a story (without using names) about a loving mommy and daddy that wanted a baby, so God sent a sweet little girl. Then, the mommy and daddy and big sister wanted another baby, so God sent a little boy. He loved that family more than anything, but God said it was time to come to heaven...He even gave the sweet little guy a glimpse of it. Then the boy said, "Please make sure my big sis and mommy and daddy know I love them and that where I'm going, they can come too, really soon. It will help them." I said in the story that the family was sad, but that they had hope. Emily had her head in the pillow and I realized she was bawling. (This is the first time she's had a good cry about losing her brother...) She said, "Mom, that story is about us. It makes me sad." I said, "Sweetie, I didn't tell you that story to make you sad. It's okay to be sad, Em. Some days we will miss Noah more than other days. Is today a day like that for you?" She said, "Yes, mom, I miss my brother."
Even though, as a parent, we hate to see our children sad, it was good for Em to learn that when Christ said to live one day at a time, He meant it. It wasn't thrown in there to take up space! Some days are better than others, and some days just BITE!
Praying for you today! Noah had such a light in his eyes and today his light continues to shine through you and you family.
ReplyDeleteOh you may be cry today! I am sorry this is such a difficult day for you, but as you said, its ok to be sad.
ReplyDeleteI constantly check in on you. You remind me to cherish each day with my son!
Oops! I meant, "...you made me cry..."
ReplyDeleteAdrienne, that is so tender of your Em to think of her baby brother the way she does...she has a really dear heart. And you are such a good mama to comfort her and encourage her the way you do. I'm praying that God holds you close today and helps you know His presence in a very big way. Love to you all...
ReplyDeleteI cannot believe it's been 1 year. I can still remember getting the phone call with Childrens Hospital on the caller ID. The story that unfolded was nothing I could have imagined!
ReplyDeleteGood for Em for having a good cry. Lord knows those feel good sometimes!
Jackson and I have been talking about you guys a lot lately. He prays for his Daddy and for Noah throughout the day. :-)
Adrienne,you were really on my heart today and I prayed for you. Now after checking, I know why. As I have been reflecting over this week last year for me, well it really made my heart long to give you a big hug. I will continue to pray that GOD will wrap HIS loving arms around you and 'squeeze' you tight. May HE touch you, Jason, and Em in a really big way today.
ReplyDeleteI am crying right along with you right now. I will be praying for God to give you and your family peace today and every day after. Your family has taught me that life is so precious and fragile.
ReplyDeleteOh Adrienne,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this journey. You have taught me so much. God Bless you.
As my friend Holly, who is grieving the loss of her husband Gary (4 months ago next week), says about those days "it's just a bawling, sobbing, kind of day"... and that is okay. It's healthy.
ReplyDeleteI still think about you all so much and really pray for your continued strength. It's sad for Em to learn this lesson so early on - but I have a feeling that you all will help her make something beautiful out of it (the lesson).
Much love!
-Annalisa
p.s. Plz add Holly to your prayer list. She is in the hospital with a kidney infection. Being an organ doner recipient (kidney) it's obviously more serious for her than most. Please and thanks!
Praying for you today, yesterday and all other days to come. I come to you blog to read on how much you love god and your family. I seem to cry everytime I read it no matter what it is you are talking about. Your blog and writings have made me change the way I look at things. Thank you for that.
ReplyDeleteIt is definitely good to cry sometimes...ironically most crying is due to the heartache we feel, but sometimes crying just feels so good to do. It is needed. Em is young, and is grieving in her own way. You have a strong girl Adrienne!! :)
ReplyDeleteMary Geeslin
Adrienne,
ReplyDeleteI visit your site almost daily and have read your posts that brought me sadness, hope, and the reminder of God's grace.
You don't know me, but I pray for your family.
I hope you will continue to be a light in this dark world we sometimes live in. Your message of God's love and grace helps others carry through another day regardless of their struggles.
Thank you for offering your thoughts and feelings, allowing others to be blessed by your cyber-presence.
Carrie
i'm still captured by you and your family, i still feel moved to pray for you often and i still love seeing pictures of beautiful noah. my heart is tender toward you today especially. God has laid you on my heart often these past couple of days and i am blessed to be able to lift you to Him.
ReplyDeleteYour little Em is such a compassionate little thing already. I can only begin to imagine what God is going to do with that girl!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you share honestly with her, and allow her to feel what she needs to. And I'm sorry the other day was such a 'bite-y' day...but thank you for sharing that with us, so we can cotinue to know how to pray for your family. Missing your sweet boy with you...
Grieving is such a HARD process. I was crying in my bathtub last night over something. We recently moved and I am grieving the loss of our church that we loved SO MUCH. And as I was crying over that loss in my life, my heart remembered you. And my heart leapt at the depth of grief you must feel on a daily basis.
ReplyDeleteAdrienne, your honesty and courage gives all of us the "ok" to do the same in our day to day lives.
Love,
Katy
P.S. I by no means am trying to compare my loss to yours.....moreso just the grieving process and the way our hearts deal with change.
I agree it stinks. SO glad you always have hope in your grief, that you allow yourself to grieve, and that you share it with us strangers.
ReplyDeleteThanks.
Adrienne~
ReplyDeleteI am in Minnesota with family, but I have been thinking of you and keeping your family in my prayers. You know I understand what you mean about 'tough days' and marking annivesaries and emotions and thoughts and feelings taking over more than one expects. It is all a part of grieving and loss. I heard a message today in part about such pain. The pastor spoke of grief as a 'gift to the one who embraces it'...God comforts those who grieve. Noah's life was a gift, but so was his death. It is beautiful to see how you have embraced both. And given those who have never been in your shoes a glimpse of how this gift affects your life.
One day at a time.
Please know that I am praying for you as you mark the journey from now through January. And I hope that Em will keep walking through this in the way she chooses. So innocent, so thoughtful, so sweet.
Noah must be so proud to have been chosen to be a part of such a special family. He is still so beautiful and in my heart and mind forever.
It's been a while since I visited your blog. (Been a while since I blogged period.) I posted on mine today and straight away came to yours, as you are the one who inspired me to blog to begin with. How I wish I would have read your blog first, before I put mine up. It was a good reminder to live "one day at a time". And that it's okay to cry and grieve. Noah touches my life through your writings each and every time. May you feel some additional comfort that you are lifted up in our prayers, that Noah is alive in our memories, and that his short life had more power than most others who live decades.
ReplyDeleteBlessings to you, Jason and Em.
I'm praying for your family today. Go ahead and cry - I believe it always make you feel better. Have a family hug - thats what we do in our family and my kids love it.
ReplyDeleteWe don't know each other, but I just wanted to say you have an amazing blog and I'm sorry for your loss of sweet Noah.
ReplyDelete