I finally chose not to wear eye makeup to church yesterday. You'd think I had learned a long time ago...I was just too sad to attempt application. At least I cleared out my sinuses...You know that book about the kid with the "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day"? Well, that's how yesterday started, and then progressed, until early evening when I was able to be surrounded by a lot of people I love dearly and, for some reason, love me, too.
Em's always been 'Daddy's girl'. I never have been, nor am I now, jealous of that reality. But, it doesn't mean that my heart always feels what my mind understands. With no exaggeration, at any given point, unless she gets hurt while wrestling with Jason, Em wants Daddy. Heck, I want Daddy. I love Jason, too, and think he's a great guy. There are just moments here and there that I'd love her to want me, or I guess reciprocate the want I have for her. But I know that is impossible...parents will always love their kids more than their kids are capable of loving them. At least in my opinion. Case in point, when I delivered Emily, I had an "OH MY WORD" moment of realization, finally 'getting' how much my mom has loved me all these years.
"Mature Adult" does not equate "Parent". There are a lot of teenage parents, some grow up or mature quickly, others let their mommies and daddies raise their offspring. There are also legal adults that aren't mature, they are simply identified with an age or number...Those are other posts. Anyway, I have to choose to be a mature adult and integrate God's word with parenting. For example, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" or "Treat others the way you want to be treated". These don't read, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you unless they make you mad or break your heart or hurt your feelings, then open a can of 'whoop ass' and break loose your fury" or "Treat people nicely but if you want them to feel the pain or hurt you feel, treat them like crap so they can get a good dose of their own poison." We talk about this quite a bit with Emily so she is able to put herself into others' shoes, in order to learn empathy and compassion. Yes, I said LEARN. You don't just get those character qualities, they must be practiced.
It occurred to me yesterday that if I treated Em the way she treats me sometimes, I would break her heart. I would never consciously do that to her because I know how my heart feels when I'm the lowest one on the food chain.
I'm having a hard time saying what is all too well summed up in a scenario from my past that is fresh in my mind, even today...
Mom, I'm sorry that in 7th grade, when you used to drop me off at Rhodes Junior High in our sweet conversion van with the captain's chairs, that one day I decided I was too cool to kiss you goodbye in the drop off zone! I'll kiss you in Time Square, Red Square, Trafalgar Square! I love you and I'm sorry! I'm sorry because I know I probably broke your heart that day! It breaks mine to even remember how 'cool' I was trying to be!
Dear God, (tongue in cheek) please, please, please, have mercy on me and don't let me reap any more of that which I have sown! It's too gut wrenching!
I had the "OH MY WORD!" moment in my kitchen when pregnant with my nearly 5 year old, Seth.:) Isn't it amazing when God gives you that moment? :)
ReplyDeleteThis was a precious, precious post.
Here's to a new morning full of new mercies.
Heidi Jo W
ORU
My Dear Adrienne, I don't remember that particular incident....you did not break my heart.....I have always loved you more than I knew I was capable of.....I believe it is something that God gave to women so they could be nurturers. I have recently been repenting for feelings I've had about my own mother. I had to tell her that I was sorry for trying to tell her how to be the kind of person I thought she should be.....instead of just loving her for being who she is. By the way, you still have a Daddy who loves you more than he loves himself....and you and your sisters are still "Daddy's girls"! Love, Mom xoxo
ReplyDeleteI wrote about this same thing on my blog about a week ago. I was folding an enormous load of laundry (or should I say loads) and it was just so overwhelming to think about how much my mom loved me and I must have constantly brok her heart. God certainly does equip us when we do become moms to have this undying devotion. It overwhelms me to think about how much I love my kids and even how much more Christ loves me. WOW! I can't even comprehend it. I am thankful to God for making me a mom so that I can begin to understand his love. There's certainly no other reason he could die on the cross for us! Thank you for the post. It was comforting to know that other moms are having these same feelings.
ReplyDeleteAdrienne,
ReplyDeleteI feel like this post could have been my own words... not only about my regret for my past mistakes with my mama - but for the other points you touched on as well....my relationship with my son, how much he is a daddy's BOY and not mama's boy, and just the emotional struggles of motherhood. example: having to continually giving giving giving loving loving without necessarily getting a lot of anything back. I am truly learning my job is to love even when I don't *feel* like it - sometimes I wonder how there's anything left in me to give - but every morning, I just pour it out to Him and "tattle" on those who have hurt me - and I do spend time in my talking with "Him" to focus on ME so that He will fill me up - and I can be others centered again the rest of the day. Jesus keeps telling me -- YOUR job Randi is to love ME and then love OTHERS - you don't have to worry about you - I got your back, I will take care of you - you take care of loving on others!
I pray I can be a 'mature adult' and be a great godly parent. You have been an inspiration to me in the way you talk about your little girl and how wonderfully mature she is for her age and I think from the little I have seen on your blog - that you are a phenomenal mama. So many of those around me are letting their parents do the raising of their children... I don't have that ability even if I wanted it...and although it *appears* that sometimes me and my baby get the short end of the stick because I believe I'm raising him the way God would want me to.... I have to look long term and not be fooled by the devils temptations and the 'easy' path.
Am I making sense? Does your struggle seem similiar or am I just totally misinterpretting that portion of your post...
Anyway --- I don't have anything to add or really respond with - I just thank God that He sees my hurt that so few do. He knows my heart and my pain. He knows how deeply others cut me and He bandages me up every day.
I have faith that He will continue to heal all my relationships by giving me strength to keep the enemy out of them and allow Him into them more.
I see where you are, and the pain you feel - I carry a similiar burden right now and I take comfort that this umbrella of suffering we are all under on earth - is not mine alone - it's a common bond of us believers.
I feel for you...and I thank you for always sharing your heart/hurt.
sorry if I'm not making sense - I'm on vacation visiting family so I'm trying to be quick!
We were never very affectionate growing up--we (the siblings) wrestled and played rough to show affection, like the game "who hits harder"--ah yah! ouch!!
ReplyDeleteI don't recall ever kissing my mom or dad to say good bye for school. There wasn't much of the deep heart-felt emotional lovey dovey feelings going on. (But the feelings existed, for sure, just not expressed openly).
I have tried to incorporate more affection into the upbringing of my 6 kids. It doesn't come easily. My girls are huggers at least. I have to wrestle the boys for hugs and kisses (which I think they appreciate). Sometimes, my heart breaks too. Sometimes a have that deep longing to express my endless love to a particular child, and to have it expressed in return--but I'm usually left empty
I wonder what the purpose is in that...
Brooklyn is a daddy's girl too. She always runs to him when I say no, or wants daddy to tuck her in but once in awhile, I get to do the tucking in. I know then that she truly does love me and not only daddy. He is just a great guy to be around and there is just something between a daddy and his little girl.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, I didn't know you knew Kristi S. I worked with her at Norwest back before Brooklyn was born and we lost contact after her and Pat moved. She found me through your blog. Small, small world.
I just wanted to say I am so sorry about your little Noah. Are you familiar with the Michael W. Smith song Hello, Goodbye. It seems like it was written just for you, it's about the loss of a little boy name Noah too... You can find the Lyrics here http://www.michaelwsmith.com/lyrics.php?productid=422#2928
ReplyDeleteBest wishes to your family...
As always, I just love to read your words. You are very gifted my friend. May you continue to meet and seek the RISEN CHRIST in every moment and all the little stuff of your day.
ReplyDeleteI PRAISE JESUS that I got to at least cross your path on my journey.
Have you had a chance to read this blog ?
ReplyDeletehttp://thestanfieldjourney.blogspot.com/
I'm sure Kenzie could use some encouragemnet from a mother who has already gone through the loss of a precious son.
Thanks,
Jackie
isn't it amazing the things we discover about our mothers once we become one?
ReplyDeletejust think of what a great son-in-law you'll have as she searches for one as spectacular as her daddy.
second thought after reading kool's comment...
ReplyDeletethe only thing i think that we can say can be 'learned' from the emotional shut-out we sometimes get from our kids, is it gives us yet another glimpse into the love of our Father, and how His heart must feel when His creations, far more dear and precious to Him, i daresay, then even ours to us, shut Him out.
hopefully it tenderizes our hearts to love our Creator more deeply and to continue loving our children despite what is returned.