I finally chose not to wear eye makeup to church yesterday. You'd think I had learned a long time ago...I was just too sad to attempt application. At least I cleared out my sinuses...You know that book about the kid with the "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day"? Well, that's how yesterday started, and then progressed, until early evening when I was able to be surrounded by a lot of people I love dearly and, for some reason, love me, too.
Em's always been 'Daddy's girl'. I never have been, nor am I now, jealous of that reality. But, it doesn't mean that my heart always feels what my mind understands. With no exaggeration, at any given point, unless she gets hurt while wrestling with Jason, Em wants Daddy. Heck, I want Daddy. I love Jason, too, and think he's a great guy. There are just moments here and there that I'd love her to want me, or I guess reciprocate the want I have for her. But I know that is impossible...parents will always love their kids more than their kids are capable of loving them. At least in my opinion. Case in point, when I delivered Emily, I had an "OH MY WORD" moment of realization, finally 'getting' how much my mom has loved me all these years.
"Mature Adult" does not equate "Parent". There are a lot of teenage parents, some grow up or mature quickly, others let their mommies and daddies raise their offspring. There are also legal adults that aren't mature, they are simply identified with an age or number...Those are other posts. Anyway, I have to choose to be a mature adult and integrate God's word with parenting. For example, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" or "Treat others the way you want to be treated". These don't read, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you unless they make you mad or break your heart or hurt your feelings, then open a can of 'whoop ass' and break loose your fury" or "Treat people nicely but if you want them to feel the pain or hurt you feel, treat them like crap so they can get a good dose of their own poison." We talk about this quite a bit with Emily so she is able to put herself into others' shoes, in order to learn empathy and compassion. Yes, I said LEARN. You don't just get those character qualities, they must be practiced.
It occurred to me yesterday that if I treated Em the way she treats me sometimes, I would break her heart. I would never consciously do that to her because I know how my heart feels when I'm the lowest one on the food chain.
I'm having a hard time saying what is all too well summed up in a scenario from my past that is fresh in my mind, even today...
Mom, I'm sorry that in 7th grade, when you used to drop me off at Rhodes Junior High in our sweet conversion van with the captain's chairs, that one day I decided I was too cool to kiss you goodbye in the drop off zone! I'll kiss you in Time Square, Red Square, Trafalgar Square! I love you and I'm sorry! I'm sorry because I know I probably broke your heart that day! It breaks mine to even remember how 'cool' I was trying to be!
Dear God, (tongue in cheek) please, please, please, have mercy on me and don't let me reap any more of that which I have sown! It's too gut wrenching!