The days that are normal, stress free, ordinary, run of the mill, even simple and pleasant, are often the most difficult for me. I think, "Lord, why did Noah come into our lives, turn them upside down, why did we trust You with his life and death, if the rest of our days weren't all going to be supernatural and life-altering?" There are days that things are smooth and I feel guilty that I am still breathing. Why did God choose me, an imperfect, crusty, inconsistent, lousy example of Himself to be the mom of the sweetest guy? Why did He trust us with Noah and his story when there are days that are mundane and unmotivating? Lord, why didn't you pick a woman that was better than me, a better steward, someone with a better heart? I most certainly didn't deserve to be Noah's mom, and there are days that I wonder if lives are being eternally impacted anymore or if it's old news. Lord, seriously, I want to be the best me I can be for You but I know I am not and am not sure how to be...I screw up daily, I have little patience, I am not Your bonus student. All that You have shown me through this journey, spiritually, emotionally, medically, what is it You are asking of me? I want to bring You glory, so on days when I can barely keep up with laundry and am elbow deep cleaning toilets, Lord, what is Your will? Did Noah have to come and die for me to get something I'm not getting? I know You wanted me to gain eternal perspective. I got that. I hope in that. Believe me, Lord, I feel like Paul when it comes to that...but when I do this day to day thing, Lord, please help me find Your will in it because missing Noah makes the ordinary painful...
His power is made perfect in your weakness.
ReplyDeletei have no perfect reply... but i just want you to know that i'm lovingly listening in on your journey.
ReplyDeleteI have been following your story for over a year now. I am a first time mother still in amazement of gift I was given. Noah impacted my life and he still does...I just want you to know that God gave you this gift of speaking to others and he gave you something to speak about. Not only do you speak about your wonderful son, but you speak God's truth. I haven't replied in a long time, but I wanted you to know I am still listening and following your journey. God Bless!!
ReplyDeleteHeidi Jo said it perfectly.... we are here listening to you. We hear you.
ReplyDelete-Shannon in Austin
Adrienne - YOU are the perfect person to be Noah's mom. Through pain and happiness you reflect His grace and strength. I can not think of anyone more worthy to be the mom of such a precious, beautiful little boy.
ReplyDeleteIf you only knew the impact that you've had on me and many of my friends, you wouldn't feel that way. We are listening and learning. You have an amazing way of communicating - a very special gift. Keep on trucking; we're praying for you and your precious family.
ReplyDeleteYou were the perfect person to be Noah's mommy. I don't know that anyone else could have held on to their faith as strong as you did and have the courage to share your painful story over and over with complete strangers. God chose you because he knew what would happen and how you would spread the word of His love even when you are going through a difficult time. Of course its going to hurt and no one should tell you not to hurt. We are only human and we care deeply about our families. You are an amazing person and I know a lot of people that read your blog have not had the chance to meet your personally. They are missing out because the Adrienne I know is a very compassionate, loving, funny, daughter of the King and it shows through and through. Thinking of you as you go through difficult days. Love you!!!
ReplyDelete~jen~
We have all definitely been eternally impacted/blessed by little Noah and I think of him often and will remember him always!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness Adrienne! I understand that you are going to have days like this but please don't ever doubt that you are impacting people's lives here daily thru your blog. Noah and your family have SUCH a special place in my heart and the hearts of everyone here. I started reading your blog about a week after Noah passed and I swear, I took his loss as if he were a family member. I literally cried so hard for the first week of reading your story that my eyes were swollen like crazy for days. I even went back for no reason at all last night and started reading again from the very beginning of little Noah's stay at the hospital. I have no clue why I did that but I did and i sobbed like a baby for you and your pain. As much as I love God and all of the blessings he has given me, I still do not know that I would have it in me to minister to others the way you do after all you have been through. Your blog is a breath of fresh air to me, the way you write, your humor and your pain are all so very touching and REAL. That is ONE thing I can say about you even though I have never in my life met you(but would LOVE to of course) you are VERY REAL whether anyone likes it or not, that is who you are. I know that we are all only human and we have days where we ponder the reason we are here and why we have been blessed with so much, I wonder the same things about myself, why was I blessed with 2 beautiful, healthy boys, why am I blessed with such a great family who LOVES me so much?? But you Adrienne, I KNOW why your here, God speaks thru you and we understand and we get it, I actually GET IT when I read your blog, I understand! It's amazing to me that I can go to church and leave not really feeling much sadly,but when I visit your blog, WOW, I am a changed person...I could never imagine someone else being Noah's mommy, he was given to you because of who you are..you're amazing! I know I wrote a book here and I am sorry, I just wanted to let you know what an impact you have made on soooo many people's lives and how Baby Noah will NEVER be forgotten,and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your beautiful, heartbreaking,spritual, journey with us all.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Paula and Family
We have been following your story and have been blessed by it. Thank you for sharing! God bless!
ReplyDeleteYou are only human.... remember that!
ReplyDeleteAdrienne
ReplyDeleteI have been here for a long time now. There is something in my heart that just loves to hear you speak of Noah, and I love to see his pictures and I was so honored I could pray for Noah. There is something about this blog that just owns a piece of my heart...and that something is your beautiful openess and honesty and
the testimony of Noah. Alot of things you say Adrienne are hidden deep within my heart from the loss of my baby David and although I don't want any comfort through your pain....your walk has been such a blessing to me and helped me in days that were so tough I just did not want to keep doing "day to day".
I want to encourage you now Adrienne....because I think Noah & David.....know their mommies miss
them desperatly........I believe
they send us "heart hugs" at times that nothing can explain...and I know that someday (just as you know) we will see our baby boys again. That doesn't help wanting to hold them in our arms now....but one day, WE WILL, hold them in heaven.
Adrienne you are in my heart and
in my prayers
love & hugs & blessings~
Lynda Bishop
thebishopswife@att.net
every single time i see pics of you and Noah i am brought to my knees. in awe of His glory and in awe of your trust in Him. Adrienne, you are such a blessing to so many. if you dont get anything PLEASE GET THAT!
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should consider that, during this time, when your primary ministry(service)is to your husband and daughter, who need you daily, that it is a very important ministry to be writing this blog to other women whose ministry it is to be ministering to their husbands and children. Maybe that is what you have been called to do during this season in your life.....because it fits in and allows time for the primary ministry of being a wife and mother.....a ministry that many women have a hard time dealing with. Your example of being a mom first says it all.
ReplyDeleteAdrienne,
ReplyDeleteI had a particularly bad day about 9 months ago. It was a day when our newly adopted 5 year old had challenged me to the point of questioning God. My questions weren't the same as some of yours, but still I questioned away. And the biggest question was something like this: "Lord, why have you given me another child that is demonstrating the very same character problems that one of our other children has demonstrated even now into her adulthood?" And then more questions went up to the Lord from me: "I thought this was your will. Was I wrong? Did we do this in our own strength? Were we wrong? Was it not of you?" All my questions...all my fears....all my concerns....all my doubts....
And then an answer came. And this is the part I want you to remember.
The answer came to me from Him loud and clear: "Because you know how." Yes, He told me He gave me what (who) He gave me because I am the best one to be doing it! I am tired of dealing with the same stuff year after year, but this is what God chose for me. He has to get certain things done and He chooses certain people to accomplish each thing. And, you see, we are here for one reason and that is to glorify Him. Glorify means to give an accurate representation.
So Adrienne, take heart! You are God's best woman for all that was put before you and will be put before you for the rest of your time here.
You will struggle through some days, but He knows that and He will "never leave you nor forsake you"
You are loved by the King, and you are his precious daughter.
I am completely drained after a looong day so I in no way can communicate as eloquently as others here have, but I wholeheartedly echo each of them. I found you at some point last year and check in often because you always have so much to share.
ReplyDeleteKnowing your story and having a small glimpse into your life, and of course your precious boy's....it has changed me in so many ways. And far more importantly, you've brought glory to the One who's laid out your days. THANK YOU for that.
Trust that God's way is perfect. I know you know it, but try to rest in it.
Also praying you through the hard days....
Over a year ago, while pregnant with my little guy I was directed to your blog and your story of beautiful Noah...like so many others here I dropped to my knees and sobbed in your pain. You and Noah (all of you) have not been an accident in my life but such an amazing teaching...through your experience I have been led to a new life with Christ...And a new understanding of what He wants for me. I am a better mother, wife, friend, woman because of these amazing changes, THROUGH you and Noah.
ReplyDeleteDaily, in my teachings to my FOUR children, we speak of love and sacrifice...my kiddos know of you and Noah...they see your pictures and participate in my prayers....on a regular basis your gift affects the lives of myself, my husband and my precious children.
Through your joys and your pains you are in my prayers...other than our Father in Heaven you are the only person that I've not yet met that has forever changed my life. Please know that your impact is profound and that God chose the PERFECT woman to be Noah's mommy.
BTW, now my girls want to distribute PB&J sandwiches all over Denver...Adrienne, we ARE listening!!
Hi Adrienne,
ReplyDeleteI think of you every day and check in almost that often. This post is so honest and raw. I (and others) appreciate your honesty and willingness to share with us so openly, not only your difficult days, but your less difficult days as well. You are such an inspiration, you have inspired me to be a better believer, mother, wife and friend. You are SO wonderful and I hope that you realize how much you affect others. Ever since we met last fall, I have felt even more inpacted by your writings, as meeting you in person confirmed to me that you are you are someone that I feel so connected to through your story here. I would still love to get together with you sometime and just chat if you are still interested, I know that my Brea and your Em would have a great time together as well. Sending you extra hugs today, and hoping that you are feeling a bit better today.
Love and hugs to you and your family!
Beth in Brighton
dbgecochran msn com
Listening here, too. I've been stopping by for the past few months. I love this blog, it is so powerful, raw, honest and inspiring. I will never tire of seeing your gorgeous children's pictures nor hearing all the marvelous reasons you love them.
ReplyDeleteSomething I have been learning about God over the past several years, which is so hard to explain well, is that He is powerfully exhibited in children, in sickness, in frailty, in the elderly, in the handicapped, in death, etc. I KNOW all those people that we consider to have "defects" are really perfect in His sight for how they manifest certain characteristics about Him. I don't know what it's like to go through the tremendous pain and heartache of caring for a weak vessel, of witnessing daily the pain and distress in the ones you love, but I know how I've been strengthened by knowing others who have walked in those shoes. You are a precious mother who in your own imperfect state has demonstrated courage to many. (Sorry if this barely makes sense; it is late and I have a guest here with a need). Just wanted to say, please keep writing here and know that even in the ordinary, God is with us. (I struggle with the ordinary too but for different reasons.)
A- What happened was unfair and unjust. God is not testing you or dealing you some bad cards to make you pay for something.
ReplyDeleteFact- Noah had a purpose that was completed in his short time and the purpose was not to punish you, funny thing about blind faith, it comes with unknowns.
Fact- it really sucks that your child had to be that kid, you would have had it no other way, but it still sucks really bad...
truth- it doesnt get easier, it gets different.
hope- try to see hope in the present..He is with you, every step and little breath..... Noah continues to be your guide.
but all of it really, is just words trying to console a woman who had her heart ripped out of her chest and is screaming inside, why why why.... and for that, i hope you find some peace....
A- What happened was unfair and unjust. God is not testing you or dealing you some bad cards to make you pay for something.
ReplyDeleteFact- Noah had a purpose that was completed in his short time and the purpose was not to punish you, funny thing about blind faith, it comes with unknowns.
Fact- it really sucks that your child had to be that kid, you would have had it no other way, but it still sucks really bad...
truth- it doesnt get easier, it gets different.
hope- try to see hope in the present..He is with you, every step and little breath..... Noah continues to be your guide.
but all of it really, is just words trying to console a woman who had her heart ripped out of her chest and is screaming inside, why why why.... and for that, i hope you find some peace....
i just lost my twin boys three weeks ago...they were born 17 weeks too early and lived for 2 and 3 days. how i miss them so! you inspire and encourage me - as i was in the hospital i thought of you and your blog, which i have been following for over a year now. i don't know how you do it. i consider myself a woman of god but i must admit, i am struggling. i am heartbroken and all i can do is ask why? my prayer is to someday be like you...to be able to say that i trust god's plan and that it's okay i don't understand...
ReplyDeleteDear Adrienne,
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure exactly what to say, but I do know that God has made you into an incredible woman...and I'm so glad that Noah had you as his Mama.
I miss him too, even though I never met him here on earth, and I can't wait to hug him in Heaven.
I am praying for you. You come to my mind very often.
Love,
Melody
I, for one, and daily impacted by Noah's life and what it has taught you. When you pass along your insight, I am blessed. Thank you for showing the reality of life and how desperately we all need God's grace...even in the mundane.
ReplyDeleteWhile you may feel like you are wandering lost, your words are not in vain...you have impacted me as a mother and have helped me in small and big ways on my walk with Christ. Thank you for the gift of your patience and perseverance.
ReplyDeleteI know you didn't post about your hard day, so that we would all tell you how wonderful you are. But I'm delighted to read all the ways that you've ministered to so many people.
ReplyDeleteI love your heart, Adrienne. If you feel frustration with not being "the best you," then you are in good company, as Paul himself said, "I do the things I don't want to and don't do the things I want to do [in so many words]." He expressed frustration with the continuing battle with sin ("the body of death"). It's part of the now and the not yet. Christ's work for us is finished, but it is not yet complete IN us. . .nor will it be this side of heaven.
Anyway, I just wanted to echo, what everyone has said. I really love your heart and your passion for the gospel, which your experience with Noah has obviously clarified. It is beautiful to see (technically, read) the ways that you trust Him and seek His guidance, even in the midst of your pain. He is glorified in you!. . .when you proclaim Him, but also when you just reach out for Him to hold you up on the hard days. Much love, from Erika and the Whites :)
Adrienne,
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog when I was pregnant for my son last year and I can honestly say that it has forever changed me. I already felt abundantly blessed to have such an amazing miracle, as we had been trying for years and lost two babies before him. Reading your story has given me even deeper perspective. When he didn't sleep at night for six weeks, wouldn't nurse, was teething, or just having a bad day I often thought "Adrienne would give anything for a bad day with Noah," and just hug him close and praise God for him. Noah’s journey had an incredible impact on my life, and you continue to do so. You inspire and challenge me to be a better mother, wife, Christian, human being…
The fact that you aren’t content with the ordinary just proves even more that God has chosen you for greatness. Actually, I think he chooses us all for greatness but many of us get too comfy in the day-to-day and don’t strive for anything bigger (and end up missing out on His blessings).
I just think God is so proud of you. Em and Noah are lucky to have you as their mom! You many not see it, but God is showing you off. My Bible study leader would say He has you up on His refrigerator.
Hi...it's been a while since I have been here and commented. Life gets so chaotic, and we all get wrapped up in it from time to time. It never fails though, anytime I read a blog from you, it simply brings tears to my eyes. This was a beautiful post. I love the Lord with all of my being, and it is very easy for me, one who has not experienced a hurt such as losing a child, to say everything happens for a reason. I do believe this is true still true, but maybe not the most sensitive thing to say sometimes. God did choose you for a reason; he must have felt your family was very special. Actually, a few weeks ago, my son, who is now three was in the hospital for possible meningitis. He had a spinal tap, they quarantined him, etc. I found myself in the waiting room bawling, praying harder than I have ever prayed in my life, this is how I realized sometimes saying everything happens for a reason can be insensitive. I questioned, what would be the reason for my son being ill, and as the doctor put it, possibly within hours of his life. The Lord is awesome because in the midst of my bawling and prayer, I felt a sense of calm come over me, and the tears I could not seem to stop only minutes earlier ceases immediately. I knew the Lord was there, and I knew it was him who was calming me. The Lord knew you would be a good mommy for Noah. You're blog was beautiful.
ReplyDeleteMary Geeslin