Harder than I thought...

Since August 2nd I have had a really tough time. Part of it is coming back from Mexico where I thoroughly enjoyed my family, new friends, and meeting locals...and the other part is that somehow, 2 years later, my emotions; anger, frustration, deep sadness and longing, all of these are more poignant than they were in the hospital with Noah. Maybe because then, while experiencing those same feelings, at least I could hold him and soak him in my tears. I could eat his toes, nuggle his sweetness and stare at his beautiful face. Now, I try to cry when I am alone. I know Em has seen me cry, but two years later, does she have to be dragged through my agony? Jason wants me to see a counselor, and I really want to, but I'm afraid I've left out some details lately that are probably appropriate at this point...So, remember how Jason and Em and I drove up to South Dakota for the 4th of July? Well, the first morning we were there, Jason's job situation changed. Declaration of independence. So, though I'm not a big spender anyway, I'm not out purchasing expensive counseling sessions presently, either.

I really enjoyed our group sessions with the other parents. But I know that those meetings aren't all about me, my sorrow, my son, my hell, or my hope. I've been extremely frustrated lately at 'the system'. I can recall everything that transpired and DID NOT happen upon our arrival at the hospital with Noah. Noah is whole. He is safe. He's happier than I'll ever be until I'm in his position. But he never had to get that sick! We took him off the ventilator because we trust God but also because he was so very sick. Did I ever mention that he died right away? He was ready. Apparently, regardless of my hope in Heaven, my heart was not ready, regardless of my peace, my heart has a hole and it aches. He never had to get that sick. Did you know that from the day we walked into the hospital until the day after his lung collapsed, Noah was never treated?! #$%^&*#$%^&*#$%^&* THAT WAS 22 DAYS! Which is 22 more days than the 2 or 3 weeks of diarrhea he had at home. He had diarrhea and was weak. He was treated for his weak respirations. (Man, I can feel blood surging through my body right now because I am so angry when I think about the hospital situation and the room full of experts trying to catch a greased pig.) He was not treated for his diarrhea until AFTER his stool killed dozens of mice at the Center for Disease Control. Our hospital experience, save the nurturing care of the many of the staff, was a political nightmare!

And, after my AVON walk in NYC, I want to try, again, and I DON'T WANT TO TRY, at all! I am an oxymoron! I don't feel a need to replace Noah, I've said that on numerous occasions, because he could never be replaced, obviously. But my heart is sad for Em. She's got to be so sick of hanging out with two 30-somethings! And, the reason I don't want to try is not because I am fearful that this could all happen again. I used to be in a place where I wanted to solve Noah first before I entertained the thought of more kids. I have more than solved it, at least in my heart and through much of my research, so it happening again, I can't imagine it could...since it's PREVENTABLE! #$%^&* (I'm just puking out loud here...sorry)

So, all that to say, admittedly, I know I am an escapist. I like to retreat from my life at times because, as I found out at the hospital for 5.5 months, life still goes on without me...Mexico was great for so many reasons that I will continue to share, but Mexico was great because I got to leave my daily life and focus outward instead of on the anger that rages in this machine...