Fortune Cookie Theology

Carry Me - Jars of Clay (lyrics to song playing on page right now...)

January One, I got a lot of things on my mind
I'm looking at my body through a new spy satellite
I try to lift a finger but I don't think I can make a call
So tell me if I move 'cause I don't feel anything at all

So carry me
I'm just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can't find a heartbeat
Make me breathe
I wanna be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

I woke up from a dream about an empty funeral
But it's better than a party full of people I don't really know
Well, they've got hearts to break and burn, dirty hands to feel the earth
There's something in my veins but I can't seem to make it work
Won't work

So carry me
I'm just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can't find a heartbeat
Make me breathe
I wanna be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

Can you find a beat?
Inside of me?
Any pulse, getting worse
Any pulse, getting worse
Inside of me
In front of me

Carry me
I'm just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can't find a heartbeat
Make me breathe
I wanna be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

Carry me
I'm just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can't find a heartbeat
Make me breathe
I wanna be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

I listen to this song really loud when I work out at the gym...it helps me press through a cramp or keep jogging or something when all I really want to do is get home and snuggle on my couch with a blankie. Actually, most of the songs I've chosen for my play list are songs that inspire me, challenge me, or direct my eyes off myself and on God's perspective.

I don't actually feel like the lyrics in this song right now...I did, though, a year ago. It was only a year since Noah had died and though many wonderful things had happened since that day, I still was trying to wrap my brain around any good that could really endure from it all. Two years later the memories are still fresh, I still miss him and am appalled by 'modern' medicine's shortcomings, but I love God more now than I did then and I know that's what's lasting, enduring, significant...

I still have days that I am really down on myself for just being 'normal'...by that I mean that prior to Noah coming into my life, I judged myself on extreme expectations...for me it was 'do or die', 'black or white', 'yes or no', and when I didn't meet my own expectations, I'd throw it all in and say, "Screw it!" You know how when you get older your quirks just get magnified?! Well, since Noah, now I'm worse than before. When your kid dies, it's hard to transition back into 'normal' life. It's almost like you never can, never will. I'm okay with that, really, it's just that when I see myself slipping into earth life, especially as an American woman, I can't do it with ease or grace. The day to day grind seems nebulous and petty. I get down on myself for not changing the world every day...for basically not making up for the brevity of Noah's days. I'm not saying it's right, by any means, but I'm just saying...there's a fine line I walk each day and I want to make it all worth while. It's hard to just be when you lose someone or something you love.

SOOOO, FF to January 4th. Em made me a plastic work hat at kid's church for my birthday. It has the scripture, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men", from Colossians 3:23. I love my little hat. I decided to wear it in the mornings when I pray, since, well, when the heck else am I going to wear a play plastic hard hat, right??? I started thinking about the scripture and day to day life...EVERYTHING...whatever I do, do it for the Lord, in His name, giving thanks to Him. This isn't an easy thing, especially when mundane sets in or is the only thing in sight, but, if I look at it as something I do unto God, somehow it has a new twist, a new flavor, an excitement that no matter how the Enemy tries to discourage me, or you, God can get glory even in the things we deem menial.

After Noah died we were at a Chinese restaurant and were opening our "fortune" cookies. We said, "Okay, this one is for Noah..." Then I opened it and it read:

"A routine trip turns into an enchanting escapade." No, I don't live my life according to fortune cookies, but those words could not have more accurately summed up his little life and the ripple effect it has had on me and others. That's what I'm talking about...allowing the routine, the day to day grind, the daily things we must do be seen for their true value, eternal worth, because often times, it's in those moments we hear God most clearly and we can learn from His character and be transformed.

I mean, I just thought I was going to have another baby, be a mommy to a son, Em would be a big sister, Jason a daddy to a boy......and what was routine has now become an enchanting escapade...