Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Fortune Cookie Theology

Carry Me - Jars of Clay (lyrics to song playing on page right now...)

January One, I got a lot of things on my mind
I'm looking at my body through a new spy satellite
I try to lift a finger but I don't think I can make a call
So tell me if I move 'cause I don't feel anything at all

So carry me
I'm just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can't find a heartbeat
Make me breathe
I wanna be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

I woke up from a dream about an empty funeral
But it's better than a party full of people I don't really know
Well, they've got hearts to break and burn, dirty hands to feel the earth
There's something in my veins but I can't seem to make it work
Won't work

So carry me
I'm just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can't find a heartbeat
Make me breathe
I wanna be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

Can you find a beat?
Inside of me?
Any pulse, getting worse
Any pulse, getting worse
Inside of me
In front of me

Carry me
I'm just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can't find a heartbeat
Make me breathe
I wanna be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

Carry me
I'm just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can't find a heartbeat
Make me breathe
I wanna be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

I listen to this song really loud when I work out at the gym...it helps me press through a cramp or keep jogging or something when all I really want to do is get home and snuggle on my couch with a blankie. Actually, most of the songs I've chosen for my play list are songs that inspire me, challenge me, or direct my eyes off myself and on God's perspective.

I don't actually feel like the lyrics in this song right now...I did, though, a year ago. It was only a year since Noah had died and though many wonderful things had happened since that day, I still was trying to wrap my brain around any good that could really endure from it all. Two years later the memories are still fresh, I still miss him and am appalled by 'modern' medicine's shortcomings, but I love God more now than I did then and I know that's what's lasting, enduring, significant...

I still have days that I am really down on myself for just being 'normal'...by that I mean that prior to Noah coming into my life, I judged myself on extreme expectations...for me it was 'do or die', 'black or white', 'yes or no', and when I didn't meet my own expectations, I'd throw it all in and say, "Screw it!" You know how when you get older your quirks just get magnified?! Well, since Noah, now I'm worse than before. When your kid dies, it's hard to transition back into 'normal' life. It's almost like you never can, never will. I'm okay with that, really, it's just that when I see myself slipping into earth life, especially as an American woman, I can't do it with ease or grace. The day to day grind seems nebulous and petty. I get down on myself for not changing the world every day...for basically not making up for the brevity of Noah's days. I'm not saying it's right, by any means, but I'm just saying...there's a fine line I walk each day and I want to make it all worth while. It's hard to just be when you lose someone or something you love.

SOOOO, FF to January 4th. Em made me a plastic work hat at kid's church for my birthday. It has the scripture, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men", from Colossians 3:23. I love my little hat. I decided to wear it in the mornings when I pray, since, well, when the heck else am I going to wear a play plastic hard hat, right??? I started thinking about the scripture and day to day life...EVERYTHING...whatever I do, do it for the Lord, in His name, giving thanks to Him. This isn't an easy thing, especially when mundane sets in or is the only thing in sight, but, if I look at it as something I do unto God, somehow it has a new twist, a new flavor, an excitement that no matter how the Enemy tries to discourage me, or you, God can get glory even in the things we deem menial.

After Noah died we were at a Chinese restaurant and were opening our "fortune" cookies. We said, "Okay, this one is for Noah..." Then I opened it and it read:

"A routine trip turns into an enchanting escapade." No, I don't live my life according to fortune cookies, but those words could not have more accurately summed up his little life and the ripple effect it has had on me and others. That's what I'm talking about...allowing the routine, the day to day grind, the daily things we must do be seen for their true value, eternal worth, because often times, it's in those moments we hear God most clearly and we can learn from His character and be transformed.

I mean, I just thought I was going to have another baby, be a mommy to a son, Em would be a big sister, Jason a daddy to a boy......and what was routine has now become an enchanting escapade...

9 comments:

  1. Oh, and how He refines us through the day to day things, doesn't He?!?! I find that if we are fixing our eyes on Him, trusting in His absolute sovereignty, then nothing really can be classified as mundane, can it? Because it all has been sifted through His will, given to us by His very hand. No matter how "big" or "small," "important" or "insignificant" it can seem from the human perspective. What a great God He is! Praying much joy for you in 2009, dear Sister!

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  2. Often I find myself visiting your blog and struggling with your words. You pour such passion into what you write. That is often difficult for me to identify with and absorb. Not so with this post. It is quite possibly the most eloquent and honest of them all.

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  3. Tiffany12:23 PM

    Um, I don't think you have any idea how much your words spoke to me on this very day. I check your blog often but not on a consistent basis. I have had a bad couple of days, you see, the 4 year old foster son we have been fostering for the last 13 months is transitioning back home to his bio mom. I am angry about it because early last year they told us we were going to be able to adopt him by the end of last year and now his case has moved back to transitionging home. I don't understand it, nor will I ever understand it. I 100% related to your post today. It spoke to me in a time that I am ready to give up on what I am doing for this little boy. He has been such a blessing in our family and I pray daily that God will protect him always. The grief and guilt I feel have been overwhelming me the last 2 days.

    Your words put things into perspective for me and although it looks as though we will not be his forever family he will forever be in our hearts and we were so blessed to have him here the short time he has been with us. Thank you Adrienne.

    You have renewed my desire to do the best I can for him while i am granted the privledge of taking care of him right now.

    Your friend,
    Tiffany

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  4. Beautiful Ade,

    Sending you love x We will remember your son on Monday and we shall be praying for the three of you.

    Love Carly x

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  5. An enchanting escapade indeed...I think about your Noah so often...especially when I'm snuggling my little boy. I mourn with you, dear Adrienne. I'm praying for you, and thinking of you so much right now. Your Noah has made an incredible impact on me. Thank you for sharing his story, and your story.

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  6. Thanks for sharing. Always encouraging! You do know how to put life into words in such a real way. Can't wait for that book of yours.
    Love you!

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  7. Ade~ Getting ready for my own "story" to unfold before my eyes... I cant beieve i am posting this, Double masectomy on the 22nd of this month. The song really touched me... Thank you. I would love to have that playing while in surgery..and recovery. I think that would be very uplifting...Can you let me know who sings it so I can try to get it before I travel that road? Thanks so much I would REALLY appreciate it! Christal;)

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  8. Christal, I can't for the life of me figure out to leave a post on your blog! I want to give you the song, but don't know which one b/c I changed the play list! Was it the Jars of Clay song, "Carry Me"? THe other one is Coldplay, "Fix You". I'm praying for you! You have a lot on your plate...I'm glad your husband is back to be with you, regardless of hormones, as you said:) I pray for God's peace in your heart and mind, Christal. If there's a way to post a comment on your blog, please let me know b/c I tried for about 10 min and can't figure it out! Sorry! Ade xoxox

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  9. Anonymous3:13 PM

    Hi. I heard this song (Dead Man) on the radio and didn't know who it was so I grabbed my phone and entered some of the lyrics I remembered to search it on Google when I got home. I'm really forgetful so it's been a couple days...but here I am...your page was the link I clicked on. At first I just read the lyrics but then decided to read your blog anyway. Let me tell you - I am very glad I did. Your words are encouraging and though I haven't lost anyone close to me...it makes me that much more appreciative of everything and everyone I am blessed with. Thank you for writing this.

    Again, very very encouraging!

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