Down-sizing...Ode to 'Pilot'

My sweetest guy snoozing away in his car seat on the 4th of July in SD...if I had only known...

Oh how I thought it would be a quick stay...

I still had hope here...

I get so pissed, angry, and motivated when I look at these pictures...the first two for obvious reasons, the third sentiment, because NO ONE, NOT ANY PERSON should have to experience what we did...all because doctors just don't look for #$%^&* Lyme's disease! START #$%^&* LOOKING! PEOPLE HAVE LYME'S DISEASE! MY KID WAS #$%^&* BORN WITH LYME'S DISEASE!

Maybe the second or third day...still oblivious that the doctors were oblivious...little did I know that little did they know...

I tried to put these in a progression of chronological order but I can't figure out how to upload them that way...Here, Noah isn't attached to anything except his mommy and daddy...notice that on my wrist I'm no longer wearing his hospital band...to me, that symbolized his freedom...

The progression of untreated Lyme's is dumbfounding. In just a few short months, my sweetest guy who captured my heart, could no longer even open his eyes, and hadn't been able to move for several months...not to mention the obvious need of oxygen and food intake. LYME's SUCKS!

My friend told me she was going through the old blog pics and found this one...her new favorite. I have about 3000 favorites...bittersweet favorites.

OT and PT for Noah. Though the hospital told us that they were scaling back on his treatments since he was 'just going to die anyway'.

My sweetest girl being chased by a pack of wild, cute puppies on our only family road trip to SD

One of our few family photos taken outside the hospital life, when life was sweet, at Hacienda Colorado, the Mexican restaurant Noah frequented in my belly, went to once (here) and where we had friends and family gather after his service

Noah and Em in their car seats, ready for Noah's very first car ride ever from the hospital 1.5 miles down the road to his first home

I realize this post is raw. And do you want to know how it all started?! Yesterday we dropped off our Honda Pilot at the dealership and walked away from it for good. It may sound dramatic...not trying to. We are trying to steward our finances better and just because we do have two cars doesn't mean we need two cars, so we made the decision to keep the one we actually own. Profound, isn't it?! Anyway, it's an inanimate object, obviously, but leaving it behind yesterday conjured up more memories than I would have expected...memories that will never be left behind.

Right before Em was born we bought a used Accord. It's the car she came home from the hospital in. We also had a red Blazer. Then, a while before Noah was born, a guy hit us and wrecked that car. We got the Pilot. The Pilot is what Noah came home from the hospital in.

Believe me, it was my idea to get rid of the car since Jason works from home and Em's school isn't far. I get that for us, two cars is nice, but in reality it's a luxury. I'm not going to lie that I loved the heated seats, but I can warm up my buns by exercising. I can ride my bike to get her or something or borrow Jason's sister's car. It's just a car. I just didn't realize how many memories it had carried over the years...road trips, and then, of course the ruts we wore as we made the same trip daily with it to and from the hospital...and then the day Jason and I drove Noah's sweet little lifeless body across town to the mortuary. It's where Em and Noah got to sit side by side in their car seats for 7 weeks together. It's another chapter, but I just didn't expect the sorrow to come. Financially it feels good to be free from it. Emotionally I am grateful that God has blessed me with a mind, heart, and arms that will never forget.

Jason: You doing okay?

Me: I miss my kid...

Pause...

Me: The dead one.

Jason: I gathered that...

It's just a daily journey, this thing called life, this thing called grief, days filled with joy, others with sorrows. It's part of the bigger picture, but only just that...a part, not the whole. One day, we will know in full. I look forward to that day!