I had a dream!

Oh, I wish you could have been in my dream! This is only the second dream I have had about Noah since he died. I think dreams are so fascinating! I'll share this because I want to have it written down somewhere, and why not here where other people who have loved Noah can enjoy it, too?!

Noah was in a hospital setting in a really strange medical device that was cleaning his blood. When I say strange, it was dream strange in that the plastic on the machine was yellowish and cloudy like a hamsters tubing system. His blood was going out of his body through this machine that resembled the game "Mousetrap". (Never intended to have a rodent theme going on here...) Anyway, the machine was like a large box that sat over Noah and for some reason a piece of paper was taped over the clear glass window where you could see his face, covering him. The lighting in the room got a little better and I noticed that the blood was watered down and beginning to pool on the floor. I immediately called the nurse and then ripped the paper off the cover to see his sweet face. He LOOKED right at me and smiled HUGE and then pulled his legs and arms in, really excited! I put my head in the box and said, "Hi Sweetie!" and he SAID, "Mom, I'm ready to get out of this thing!" In the dream I told him that he wasn't quite ready because of the stitches he had all over his body. Then the dream was over...it had been one of those restless nights that I slept 10 minutes on, 10 minutes off! Hate those!

I remember in the dream being ecstatic that his eyes were opened and he smiled and talked to me! His voice was so sweet! He was so alive! Recently I've been crusty that biopsies, or chunks of my guy, were requested by doctors in order to 'figure out' what was wrong with him...which is why I think the stitches were in the dream. The piece of paper being taped over the area that covered his face, well, I'm not going to lie...I have posted A LOT of pictures of Noah on this site over the last 2.5 years, but there are even more I have not shared. It's not that I didn't think you couldn't handle them, though some are down-right disturbing, it's just that when I look at them, I get so #$%^&* mad or angry thinking about all the #$%^&* he went through, seeing his rashes, how distended his little belly got, all the #$%^&* tubes and stuff. Some pictures trigger my deep love for him and others trigger my anger for "modern medicine". I'd rather go to those deep love places then let anger fester. Life, as we all know, is too short to live in anger. Besides...later he would have said, "Mom, how embarrassing! I can't believe you posted a picture of my: bare butt; nasty rashes; distended abdomen filled with a week's worth of food I wasn't passing, etc. My girlfriend might see it!" Just like you don't post your worst...

As far as what he said to me, I know from the day Noah died and how quickly he went to Jesus that he was indeed ready...the part in the dream about me telling him he wasn't quite ready was more about me, enjoying whatever moments I could with him...the archaic, yellowed plastic machine, well, it's pretty obvious that it had done it's job for a season, but that Noah was never intended to live forever on life support.

I had this dream the same day I heard the news about Natasha Richardson and the choice that Liam Neeson was having to face. My heart was, and still is, so saddened for him as her husband having to have made that choice, and for her sweet children. One site I saw had a link to an article entitled, "When is the right time to turn off life support?". I didn't hit the link because in my head, I wrote that article myself. It said, "You just know..."