Friday, December 15, 2006

I know I've already posted this picture from long ago, but it's one of my favorites...I was so happy that Jason had a son. This is how I pictured it...THIS reality is not how I pictured it! I'm really wrestling. I'm mad, and for the first time in over 4 months now, I sat and asked God, "Why?!" I suppose I haven't asked why this whole time because what happened tonight, that is, obviously receiving no answer for my question, is what I expected the last 4 months, no answer, so why I asked "Why" tonight...it really was and wasn't rhetorical...I know we may never have an answer to the "why" until we are in God's presence some day, but the wondering here on earth is the hardest journey I've yet traveled, it's nowhere I ever wanted to go, and it isn't a destination I care to ever revisit. I have to admit, I hate this...I know life on earth isn't promised to be perfect and I know people have it way worse than we do, but this, this totally stinks! Posted by Picasa

16 comments:

  1. Anonymous5:42 AM

    I have not traveled down your road, but as a mother I think I would ask Why also and at times be mad. Thank you for your honesty...the Lord understands all those emotions. I'm one of those that comments from time to time...and knows that we will not meet this side of Heaven, but I can't wait to give you and Em and Jason and Noah a big hug for the daily encouragement you have been in my life. Noah has touched many lives and what great purpose could a child's life be than to touch lives. Thank you for allowing us to travel this most difficult and personal road with you. May the true Savior of Christmas wrap you in his loving arms and give you an extra dose of blessings over the next few weeks.
    Love a friend in Ohio
    Gail

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  2. What your feeling is only human, just remember to hold on to your faith. The lord will never steer you astray. I am praying...

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  3. Anonymous7:33 AM

    I read a fantastic message this morning....I have a friend that has been wallowing in depression for over 10 years. I was brining this word to her this morning, but perhapse their is some strenght that you can derive from it also. Bobby Conner states "Glace at the problem and gaze upon the Lord". Please be encouraged and lifted up by the words that our Father has supplied us with and with the prayers offer by everyone that visits Noah's blog. You are an inspiration and an example of how we are to live out the word of Abba Father. A multitude of blessings for your entire family!

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  4. I came across your blog a while ago through some other's blogs. I have wanted to write so much to you all, but have never found the right words to say. But when I read your post today it reminded me of myself. A while ago I went through a tough time with my biological parents and would often ask God "why...why I had to go through all of this..." then someone told me that I shouldn't be asking God why, rather, I should be asking Him where...where He is, where He wants to be moving in my life, and where I am holding back, or holding Him back from fulfilling far greater things than I could imagine. This morning, God put this song on my heart, and I feel that i should share it with you, it's by delerious(sp) it says, "God is bigger than the air I breathe, the world will see, that God will save the day, and all will say My Glorious, My Glorious."

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  5. Honor your feelings about this. Christmas is such a hard time to be feeling so much loss. Although you are still fighting for Noah, there is grief involved. You have the right to grieve the loss of how you thought things would be. It's not bad to feel sad or angry about the loss of a normal 1st year with Noah, or a normal 1st Christmas. The loss of dreams are often as hard as the loss of a person. In so many posts you are so brave...allow yourself to be sad too. God doesn't see that as questioning or doubt...he lost his Son...and he feels every bit of your pain.

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  6. Anonymous11:56 AM

    Cry, scream, punch (soft) inanitmate objects, ask God questions, continue being your wonderful human self.

    A wise girl from Denver once told me..."What you see is what you get." You are God's child and he's whipped over you friend. He loves what he sees and gets from you.

    Love you so much, cb

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  7. Anonymous1:56 PM

    God, I don't quite understand, but I do know your word and what you stand for, but God I pray for Jason and Adrienne they need answers. God I pray that you encourage them and speak into them what you have for Noah. I will never understand, and I can't help but feel angry half the time. I just don't understand why you would bring him into this world to take him away, so don't God I, specifically pray for Jason, Ade, and Emily for peace to sleep at night, I pray for clear direction from day to day things, to huge decisions. I pray for grace beyond normal grace. that you would give them strengh to continue to perservere and stand on what they know. God I know your a good God and intend good things for your childern, but do you hear are moans, are cries and plea's? I am starting to wonder. change it, make it happen. we won't give up. Beyond what our feelings sometimes tell us, we put our faith in you.
    Thanks for loving us the way you do and giving us all that you do, in your name I pray. amen
    t.houltberg

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  8. I am glad you are wrestling...so very glad and waiting in anticipation to see where God plans to take you.
    Obviously you know I am not glad you are in this situation...but I know what incredible revelations come from the wrestling that God allows.
    I pray you continue to ask God why and listen for his reply...and I love what Amanda shared about "WHERE?".
    I know that eventually you will feel great joy again...I believe your answers are waiting for you.
    Love from hillbillyville.

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  9. Jason and Ade,
    I think God officially has a Graves ocean built up in heaven from our tears. I heard a sermon this week that for once actually spoke to me. I am not one to give scripture or song or whatever but for some reason this meant a lot to me. The sermon was on being a student of setbacks. We have all had them in life where we look at something and think how in the heck did it turn out like this. He talked about relationship, vocational, and physical setbacks.
    How when they happen we fightt them and get angry (which I am a master of :) So instead of doing that and spinning our wheels how when we lay our lives at his feet how God can teach us something about life and Him in it. A man got up and gave his testimony of physical setbacks that was truly life touching. He was ranked #2 waterskiier in the world and became paralized from the shoulder down on one side of his upper body. Besides physical setbacks he had a marriage and six figure income that he lost both of. He went on to talk about God being with him through it all and learning about life. I learned from all of this that no matter what this setback looks like and all the others that we have they are still the same to God. They are his way of pushing us foward towards something greater. Anyway even if this doesn't make sense or whatever just know that Noah is probablly the most beautiful setback I have ever seen. I laid my hand on him and prayed for him that night I stayed. While praying I felt God show up and there wasn't anywhere else in the world I wanted to be standing. I look at your hospital room as if it is an alter to God and Noah is placed at his feet. Behind this alter in the distance I can see the Graves ocean where we will one day all be sailing with dad. Until that time we will keep filling that ocean up, punching soft objects :) and we will keep praying at that alter. The cross is the most beautiful setback of all, may God give us more than ample strength to daily embrace this setback.
    Love always,
    Tonja

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  10. Anonymous6:11 PM

    I have been reading Noah's blog for a while (I found the link on a few ORU classmates' blogs). While I have never commented, I have prayed daily for your family. I check this blog as often as I check my e-mail, anxious for updates and photos. I so appreciate your honesty. Your posts minister to more than you can possibly imagine, and Noah's life has touched more people than you will ever know. I felt I had to comment when I read your blog today. Just last night I was praying and you weighed heavy on my heart. I knew you were asking "why". It is such a legitimate question.... but I don't think any answer would satisfy... Even if God were to whisper the reasons why, sharing the most fantastic secrets of His perfect plan, I think that even then, you would think, "but still.. it's not a good enough reason... Isn't there another way?" There could never be a good enough reason that we could wrap our human mind around. BUT, even if you can't understand the why, God can fill you with the peace that passes all understanding. And He also understands and cares how you feel, so much so, that you put you on my heart last night, to pray for the very thing you blogged about today. And I am a total stranger! How many more are praying for you right now. Know that God is with you and there are hundreds of people lifting your arms right now. I am honored to be one of them.

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  11. Anonymous11:20 AM

    Adrienne- My friend Cathy Ault here in LV told me about you- she knows what I expirienced a year ago as of 12/14. I too needed a miracle a year ago w/ my baby boy- I found when I was 31 wks pregnant my baby had fetal hydrops- if you look at what that is, it is most always a death sentence. They took him emergency c sec 2 months early, he was very sick, on full life suport- but GOD healed him- JESUS healed him completely against all odds- oh Adrienne, please keep on believing! and its ok to ask WHY? Yes, GOD understands and knows your pain- how HE loves you so much how HE loves Noah so much! I read in one of your blogs something that helped me- and reminded me as I go on errands with my 2 yr old daughter and my baby boy, I am reminded to never feel overwhelmed at taking the 2 of them again-but to thank GOD that hes home- and I want you to know I stand in agreement with you in JESUS name for Noah to be healed
    and restored completely and come home to his loving family- I believe with you Adrienne- I believe GOD with you- there are a couple scriptures that keep coming to mind when I think of you-
    "...who,contrary to hope, in hope believed...he did not waver at the promise of GOD through unbelief, but was strengthened in faith, giving glory to GOD..." Rom 4:18,20
    and
    "Now may the GOD of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the HOLY SPIRIT." Rom 14:13
    I guess what I see in you is that contrary to hope, you in hope are believing- and Adrienne, I pray God bring that baby Noah home quickly and that HE be glorified through you all- and that you and yor family know HIS love like never before and I believe this to be true, therefore I say it in JESUS name.
    With you agreement and love and faith,
    Pamela

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  12. Anonymous7:54 PM

    When you walk through the storm
    Hold your head up high
    And don't be afraid of the dark
    At the end of the storm
    There's a golden sky
    And the sweet silver song of the lark

    Walk on, through the wind
    Walk on, through the rain
    Though your dreams be tossed and blown
    Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
    And you'll never walk alone
    You'll never walk alone

    Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
    And you'll never walk alone
    You'll never walk alone

    R. Rodgers and O. Hammerstein II

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  13. Anonymous10:17 PM

    Here are a few tears for the Graves river tonight as I read the comments supporting you. I was talking to a friend tonight before I read this latest entry and we were trying to put ourselves in your place but couldn't imagine living day by day, 24/7. We talked about how many lives you are touching and how your faith has been a witness to so many and how your lives have displayed white-knuckle faith. I also love the quote by Bobby Connor "to glance @ the problem and gaze on the Lord."
    I know that you know there are a host of people praying for you and a host of angels doing your bidding and Jesus is seated @ the right hand of God making intercession for you.
    Tomorrow morning I am going to focus all of my praise and adoration to Father God as I worship Him and stand in the gap for Noah and you.
    Blessings,
    Sue

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  14. Anonymous10:14 AM

    Ade,
    Oh do I know the road of unanswered Why's. I asked another one for you on my way out after I saw you. I think we ask not so much for the answer but just for the asking. You almost need to know that there is someone else out there that cares about what you're going through as much as you do.

    so, yeah. No answers. No cheesy words or even real good words. But, I cry with you because that's what we do as the Body. And I am believing with you that God is sovereign and that Noah and you and your fam are deeply, deeply loved by him.

    Danika

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  15. Anonymous7:10 PM

    Go ahead and ask "Why?", cry, scream and shed the tears that fill your eyes. GOD's shoulders are strong enough to handle your anger and frustration.

    My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.
    Paula Fox - Pittsburgh

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  16. Anonymous8:07 PM

    I've asked "why you" for you so many times since first reading about Noah. My son is 3 weeks younger. I've said before, not a day goes by that I don't think of you and Noah when I spend time with Will. Why you - why not someone like me. The only 'answer' that comes to my heart continually is that in this plan, God knew that in part your familys faith would touch so many lives through your sharing this journey and the strength of your faith in hime. I've also said before I don't profess to be the most spiritual of people - but you have touched me down to the core. I look at motherhood in a different way right down to the sleepless nights and chaotic mornings. I just want you all to know that you have made a difference in at least one life and I know there are more out there like me. So thank you, again, for opening up for the world. Always thinking of you, praying for you and adding tears right along with you to that "Graves ocean" someone spoke of. Much love!
    -AM in OK

    p.s. Noah is not the only U2 fan - they were the only thing I could calm Will down with when he had colic. It was pretty cool. U2 ROCKS! :O)

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