Tuesday, February 06, 2007

My own blog intervention...
I'm going to leave both comments that are "controversial" on yesterday's post because I'm not easily offended, and because I understand the intent of both posts. (Plus, when I read the one, I just KNEW Tonja would be commenting shortly thereafter) Anyway, one thing that has to be addressed is that in cyberworld, in books, in writing of any kind, sometimes the tone and always the facial expression of the author is lost and often the true intent, especially when someone does not know the author (whether the "blogger" or the "poster"). Heck, I'm not even offended that a few months ago someone posted, who must have not actually READ my blog, and asked me if I knew Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior?! Hello?! So, all that to say, when I'm talking of purging, it's not in regard to getting rid of anything and everything that reminds me of Noah. I am going to save a few treasures. Jason uses the Bible we bought for Noah. I stamped Noah's footprints and handprints in my Bible, in some books, I have locks of his hair, I've purchased beautiful frames to plaster pictures of our family all over the walls...I'm making a box for Emily of some of Noah's things so she can have them for herself or her little boy. On the contrary, purging is a part of grieving. It brings perspective. But, the reality is, there are children TODAY that need clothes, diapers, and toys, and I'll be darned if I hoard Noah's stuff while a battered mom escapes her violent husband with her two kids and only the clothes on their backs...

Let me talk about what God showed me regarding grieving last week and one reason WHY we need to grieve and why it should be HARD and PAINFUL, but that it should not CONSUME us because of the peace of Christ...He took me back to the garden. We need to grieve that there even IS a death of our bodies. We need to grieve the choice that Adam and Eve made, the sin of disobedience, disloyalty, and distrust, even though "in Christ all will be made alive." We need to grieve that physical death exists because, as I've said before, it hurts for the "left overs". But, at the same time, we have hope because of the grace of God in Christ. 1 Corinthians 15 is a great chapter that discusses this in detail. Why rewrite it all when Paul stated it so eloquently? Especially verses 54-58. All of this to say, I've had ample time in my life to learn about grieving because since 3rd grade I've lost someone I've loved, either a friend or relative, (and I'm half of 70) it's just that with Noah, I finally get it, and though it hurts more than some may ever know or experience on this earth, and though I miss him daily, hourly, every minute, it will not swallow me...

31 comments:

  1. Anonymous9:12 AM

    Adrienne-
    You continue to amaze me. I am new in my journey of finding Christ and you and Noah have helped me more than words can say. I came across your story the day before Noah went to Heaven and though I've never met him, that night and next morning I struggled to understand and even begged God to heal him. I have followed your story and you have introduced me to a new way of thinking/beleiving and now I have much better understanding of what really matters. I'm 36 adn I've only been going to Church for about 4 months, but you have done more to "educate" me in the last few weeks than I ever imagined possible. Thank you Adrienne, and thank you Noah. -Denise

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  2. I've been reading your blog since Jan. 9 and went back and read EVERY single one of your previous blogs and cried and prayed through them all.You have changed my life in such a tremendous way with your "opinions" and your insight into Gods word and plan for us that I would honestly be offended if you stopped saying what was in your heart because it was somehow too brazen for a blog!You inspire me to love my children harder and strive for a life that pleases God, not myself. I have felt the urge to respond to your posts before but never could find the words that felt right but these are coming out freely! I am so blessed by your family and Noah and his wonderful purpose here, he will most likely live longer in spirit here than any of us ever will because we all carry him with us through our daily lives and you too as his mouth and heart.So thank you for your openness and willingness to share your pain and relationships with us, keep up the good work and when you write that book I'll be one of the first to snatch one up! ;)

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  3. Anonymous9:53 AM

    Thank you Jesus...for your peace your comfort & your hope to this family .As the days go by I pray you would indeed heal their brokenhearts & give new purpose & meaning to their lives .They have been tested in the fire & sifted as wheat like Peter but you caused him to strengthen your people & I pray the same will be with them.May much fruit abound to their accounts in heaven.Send help from heaven to help them Lord.they need your mercies daily.great will be your faithfulness to them. thank you Jesus.
    what would we all do without you?

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  4. Anonymous10:05 AM

    God blessed me with twins this past September, and the other day I looked at all the STUFF they had and realized that while holding onto them for momentos would be nice, there is a mother struggling out there to keep her children warm. I called a local woman's shelter moments later. My family is blessed to be healthy and happy. I don't need a million out grown baby outfits to remind me of that.
    God bless you and your family. I had been away from the Church for a long time because I had some issues with it, but after reading your blog and following Noah's amazing story, I have found faith in Him and humanity once again!

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  5. Although I read your blog through blurred vision due to the amount of tears that flow... - I love reading it. You are an inspiration - you KNOW God intimatly and have such a peace that goes above and beyond all understanding. I admire your strength.

    I have not experienced what you have but if it ever did I would want to be like you.

    Thank you!

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  6. Anonymous11:31 AM

    Not only is purging a part of grieving it is also a part of healing. I read your blog yesterday and then again this morning, and I never got the impression that you were wanting to simplify to get rid of Noah's things. He was, is and always will be a paprt of your family, belongings or not. We should take a cur from you and donate unwanted, unused possessions to those that need them most. I am a mother of 15 month old girl, and let me tell you, she is happy playing with an empty box, not the toys she has!!
    Hugs to you and your family and looking forward to your next entry!

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  7. Anonymous11:58 AM

    Praises Be - Again, your message is inspiring -

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  8. Anonymous12:07 PM

    Adrienne,you are so strong and so wise. I love reading your blog (which I just began last week after watching Noah's incredibly touching video on youtube.com). I have thought about your family nonstop since seeing his video and it has pained my so much - I cannot explain it. I have lain awake at night thinking of you and praying for you. We have also walked through the same pain in losing our baby. Reading your words brings back so many tough memories it truly makes me physically sick. But my heart is not grieving for us (okay so that is there too,) it is grieving for you and yours right now. Walking down the hardest road God will ever ask you to walk.
    My faith was incredibly strong in God as our little girl lay sick and later died. But I knew that she had everything I had ever wanted for her now that she was in heaven. I guess I didn't and still don't worry about her or where she was, but I grieved to the bottom of my soul her loss by me and all the moments I would not yet experience with her. After some months, I began to get very angry at God. Why had he done this to me? Why had he asked me to go through such a terrible loss. It has been 3 years and I am slowly regaining my relationship with God. I was mad and then angry at Him. But as I read your words, you have helped me to further stregthen, grow my relationship with Him. You have helped me to trust in Him again and for that I am so thankful to you.

    One thing on the "purging." I know how trivial all material things in life seem now. How trivial all life's little problems are - from being late to get somewhere, to having a messy house, to bumping your car into a tree and scratching up the bumper! Nothing like that seems important now, in fact it probably seems almost comical. Yes, as someone said, it is part of the grieving process. But I think it is also part of God's process that he has given you the vision and incredible wisdom that you know to your very core what is important in life, in this world. And that is merely God and your loved ones. I don't know if others who haven't experienced such a great loss and were given the gift of such great wisdom could understand. But I do, and I hope you hold on to this feeling, because as with all things, with time, it tends to fade. Reading your words, has reminded me again of this gift from God, and again, I thank you.

    You are an incredibly strong person and obviously an unbelievable mom and wife. Sharing your most intimate experience has helped so many. What a gift you are giving.

    (By the way - I even visited your Church's website and that inspired me to return to my Church this past Sunday.)

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  9. Adrienne,

    You truly put forth the model of Christ...it is true, you cannot always know the emotional context of a writer. I think most people are struck by your family's story and your faith and want to comment to lift you up. The words may not always come across with the emotional intent in which they were meant as it is confusing to try to wrap one's brain around the loss of one so precious - that is where the Faith comes in. You addressed that beautifully. Again, you took my breath away. I agree with the many other people posting - through knowing Noah and your family I have forged a deep closer relationship with our Father. What a great and wondrous blessing that little boy left us here on earth, wow the pride you must feel. I look forward to each of your posts. As always, you and your family are in my daily prayers.

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  10. Anonymous12:12 PM

    Adrienne,
    This is your diary and we were each given a key. Thank you for sharing your inner most thoughts and feelings with us. I feel honored that I found this blog and was able to take this journey with you.
    I am like you in many ways. I am opinionated, especially on those topics that I feel strongly about. However I was not always this way. I am 31 now, but I spent way too much time worrying about what others thought of me instead of stating how I really thought or felt. How liberating it feels to now be myself!! Please don't ever cenlor yourself, in your life or on this blog. This blog is REAL and that's what keeps us all coming back and praying for you.
    On another note, you and I are of different religions, yet I foolow your blog "religiously" and you continue to teach and inspire me. Though I am not familiar with your bible, I see the strenghth that it gives you and that strength resonates through me. I pray for you and your family in my own way. I hope that you teach Em to never be afraid to speak her mind. The world needs more women like you!

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  11. Lots and lots of words I want to share, but at the same time no in particular words to share. Do you know what I mean? So, I just write to say I am still thinking of you. Often thinking of you, learning from you, learning from God and trying to keep my vision on the eternal, not the temporary. Oh, I guess I do want to say how beeeeeauuutiful the photos are that keep coming on your blog. I wish I could see your house, when you get it completely plastered with family photos, with your bed in the middle of the living room. Lots of love.

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  12. Mandy771:06 PM

    It looks like I am not the only Mandy here! So I have placed a 77 after my name to decipher the two of us when we both post.

    Adrienne, I know I wrote yesterday about how I have gone through the clutter stage too specially when I lost my father, and how I understand it but it didn't hit me just now how wrong I was.

    I can not believe your strength, to see through all of this pain and loss at such an early to time think of OTHERS and to GIVE things that belonged to Noah to help them.

    I think most people(including me) get so consumed in our own grief, and what we need to help our own hearts. The last thing we think of is others needs.

    So like I said I have gone through the clutter phase but nothing like you. I have never been able to lift my head high enough during those times to think of others. I almost feel ashamed that I told you I understood but I really don't. Not like you. You are an inspiration. I hope someday I am as strong and willed to do what is right as you are.

    Oh and again, thanks for another "call".

    God Bless,
    Mandy77

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  13. After reading your post yesterday, I wondered how it might shock some readers. Living such a radical faith is rather rare these days it seems. It would be hard for people to understand why you wouldn't think it wise to make a "shrine" to your son, unless they too had glimpsed the Big Picture like you've seen. What I'm trying to say, rather awkwardly, is that you are teaching me what my husband has been trying to teach me for months. I confess to have fought him on it, thinking that he didn't properly value material things or sentimental memories. But through you and your writing, I'm starting to see what he means. Those things are fine and good, but Jesus is so much more! Being His bride focused only on Him, and not on all the superfluous stuff of life here, is what matters. I'm getting it, little by little. Thank you for sharing, for being bold and courageous to be real and follow Jesus, and for teaching us all about the Big Picture and what matters most.

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  14. Anonymous1:46 PM

    Your story has truely touched my heart. Your Faith in God is amazing. God Bless Your Family...
    Kim
    Birmingham, AL

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  15. Adrienne...man, I so feel it. Since losing our baby last March, I found out I was pregnant. When I did the math and realized that THIS baby would be born at the time MOrgen was SUPPOSED to be, I knew it would be a girl - just something God would do... and I know He would mean for it to be redeeming, but I didn't look at it that way...I thought it was slap in my face...oh, so much to learn about my Father, so that my initial reaction meets my knowledge of Him...
    Anyway, I digress... yesterday, I had a level two ultrasound to make sure everything was going okay...(we lost Morgen to a cord accident, not anything else) Anyway... I guess I say all of this to say that my grief has been hard...harder some days than others, harder some weeks than others, but it does not consume... He is always faithful...but I am not telling you anything you don't know. you are so strong and beautiful and a great representation of living in Grace and Truth... thank you for being a better representative than I have been... tho I never turned my back on God, I did allow myself time in the pit of despair...and it's not pretty... tho I never doubted His faithfulness or the fact that there is purpose to everything, I didn't want to be the one He proved it with... and now that we are pretty sure we are having a girl, I have decided to see it as a redemption, not a slap.

    I know we don't know each other i person, but I love you! Blessings...

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  16. oh, and the purging thing...SO TOTALLY there... I agree 100% with everything you said about it... we have been purging for a year and are still not even close to done...does that say anything???

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  17. Anonymous4:27 PM

    Adrienne,
    You are so right. I think that when we read your thoughts that we all may "feel" what you are saying differently. It is very difficult to tell the emotion when its in print and black and white. But I personally have to say this. If I have learned nothing about you.....I have seen the love that you have for your family and for GOD and that shows me exactly what you are "feeling". I was telling my best friend (who also reads your blog) that it is so comforting to see you with Noah and all of the pictures you have shared with us that portray all of your family and friends. You can see the peace GOD has given you in every single shot. Em is always happy and Jason....his love for his family is overwhelming. I'm sure that those candid shots werent meant to portray anything other than your journey but when I look at them.....I see how Em snuggles with Noah, how much she loves him, how Jason just adores both of his girls and his son, a concerned and loving mother, a most fervent servant of GOD and to me the details in some of those simple photos.....is exactly who you are. I think we all want to help you through this and although we cant tell your "tone" when you write please know that all of ours are meant with the best of intentions to let you know that we are with you every step of the way as brothers and sisters (in Christ) we want to fix and protect you guys.

    You are so right about all of the other familys that Noah can help!!And I laugh while saying this "this means Jason and Em get to keep their undies" YEA!!!!!

    I love you guys and am praying for you while the rest of your journey (and probably some of the more painful parts) is unfolding.

    Dianne
    Hueytown,Al
    broadhead1994@aol.com

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  18. My strong, opinionated friend - don't you change a bit! You need only to follow Him and you will have all the direction you need. Your grief is immense and for most of us, unfathomable. By sharing your thoughts, you are purging them, not letting them tangle in your head, by cleaning your home of things that are not necessary, you make room for more love and finally I stand to applaud you for being a brave soldier for Christ, spreading the testimony of your faithfulness and steadfast beliefs, in the face of adversity, sending the devil running for the hills. You are an amazing family and have inspired so many, much more than post comments, for if they are like me- they have to tell Noah's story and of the understanding and grace. Take care and give Em a squeeze from an old friend.

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  19. I come back to your blog over and over and have been changed by reading God's work in your life. Tonight the words, "it will not swallow me" have been rolling around in my head and I am so thankful for your eternal view of grief. I am a very feeling oriented person and the thought of losing a loved one and then moving on is hard for me to grasp. But you have shown me the hope that I have in Christ is enough and that I can walk through a fire like losing a loved one and not have it swallow me as long as I "fix my eyes on Jesus the Author and Perfector of my faith." Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I for one have been profoundly changed by Noah's life and God has been using your words to teach more about who He is and who He wants to be in my life. My prayers are with you and your family. God bless you and your precious family.
    -Camille

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  20. heidi jo w8:52 PM

    BEAUTIFUL response. well said.
    heidi jo w

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  21. Adrienne,
    Please do not apologize for being opionated. That is what is so great about your blog, you speak from your heart and what God has laided on your heart. It is a beautiful thing that I am blessed that you have decided to share with us. I can say I am addicted to your blog, I check it daily and pray for you, Jason and Em regularly. Of course our precious Noah. I am truly grateful that you are doing what you are. I support you a 100%. I feel like I have known you and your family for years. I love that!! I think alot of people can not even phantom what it is like losing a child and since they can not they have a hard time understanding where you are at. I know I have not lost a child, so I do not know personally what you are going through. But I know what I see when I read the blogs and see the pics-it is the undying light that shines from each of you. God is using you and your family to do great things. I know for me personally as well, I came to your blog at such a critical time in my life. I was in burnout mode and had cut back on my time with God and the devil was having a hay day. I have gotten back on track and feeling great! You had alot to do with that. God work in mysterious ways! Praise the LORD!! I am anxiously awaiting your next post. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.
    **also when the book comes out, I would like to reserve several copies for me (I am sure you will need alot for all of us faithful bloggers!!!)
    We love you!
    Kris
    Troup, Texas

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  22. Anonymous11:32 PM

    It will not swallow you!

    Blessings,

    Chrissy

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  23. Aaron has said it beautifully. He echos what is in my mind and my heart!

    Thank you again for sharing - I admire your strength to allow it not to swallow you, and your strength of your convictions!!

    I will keep following your story, please keep writing and posting your poignant pictures!!

    I look forward to reading your book!!

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  24. I can't help but feel a certain amount of guilt in knowing that you continue to stregthen and build me up each time that I log on despite the suffering you are enduring.

    Not that you will, but don't change. We need to have a voice 'crying out in the wilderness' prepare the way for the Lord.

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  25. Anonymous8:13 AM

    It is amazing how our Lord works...connecting His children together through computers of all things! Adrienne, I found you via Jody Ferlaaks blog and have been soooo moved by your life and your journey so far...Reading your story reminds me so much of my precious Maggie, who was also "crowned in peace" at the age of 3 and 1/2 months. I can relate so much to your heart...because I have worn similar shoes, i suppose. Maggie was our first born and was born with multiple anomolies that were not genetic, but, rather environmental. Maggie would be 13 right now, and there is not a day that passes that I don't feel the longing to hold her again. But, I know this for sure...there are no greater arms than our heavenly Fathers'... and He will hold her until I am able to again.His arms are big enough to hold all of the special angels like noah and maggie, and when our day of reuniting comes, it will be as if we never missed a second with them...You are being used by the Lord in a huge way! Rich Mullins once said: " In christ's service, only the wounded soldiers really know how to serve" I do believe that our suffering leads us to greater , meaningful service. Thank you for "serving"... Noah is surely smiling on his precious mother....

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  26. Daphne10:02 AM

    I just wanted to comment on the pictures you've been posting. They are SO beautiful. You all look so peaceful and happy. I check your blog every few days and usually end up crying every time. I know Noah is in a MUCH better place, but my heart still aches for you, your husband and your beautiful daughter. I pray for Noah and your family quite often and even try to get my 15 month old son to pray for you all too. He pretty much just sits and stares at me though! LOL! Your words are so powerful! Thanks so much for posting them.

    Daphne
    Kansas City, MO

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  27. Anonymous11:18 AM

    Your experience has made me look at being a mom and a wife a completeley different way. I appreciate the gift god has given me so much more now. I cherish every moment I have with my 8 month old. Thank You.
    Sheri-Tx

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  28. Mary D.2:22 PM

    I love this picture of your family! Adrienne, I am so blessed by your words. You are teaching me and inspiring me so much. If you do write a book I can't wait to read it, although some times I print out so of your post and add them to my book of favorite devos and such. I don't think your relives how much you have to offer us. What an incredible tribute to Noah.

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  29. David2:41 PM

    Yo Adrienne,

    Thanks for sharing another heartfelt post and another great pic!

    In HIS love,

    David

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  30. A -

    Lynette from Tulsa. Hadn't had time to check on the blog in over a week so I was surprised to see that you've had quite a stir going on lately. I'm like you in that I have found such pleasure in writing out my thoughts either by private journaling, emails or blogs. But, I also get frustrated because no matter how many cutesy fonts, colors, highlights or clip-art-pictures you use, NOTHING can beat the human voice and face-to-face interaction. The time in my life that I realized this truth the most was when I was going on blind dates with men I met on the internet dating sites! ha! (Thank God those days are over!!) It all paid off though, as that is how I met my wonderful husband! But, I digress...

    Anyway, Tonja is right - people do come to the table with their own agendas. But that doesn't disqualify their opinion or experience. It's just that some people have perfected the art of timing better than others. And, as you noted, the context is hard to understand in black-n-white.

    I'm not even sure where I'm going with this... I guess first of all I want to thank you for continuing to be so gosh-darn-naked-vulnerable with us. It does leave you highly susceptible to so many reactions, but I think the benefits far outweigh the potential negatives for you AND for those of us that you are sharing with.

    Oprah had a show on today about purging. The guy on there is an expert on TLC for getting rid of clutter in people's houses. He gave some sort of outrageous statistic - something to the tune of 2/3 of American homes are overstuffed and that storage rental is one of the fastest growing businesses in the nation. He said that the reason why people keep extra things falls into two categories:

    1. Sentimental value
    2. Just in case I need it

    He had some great tips on how to purge through a few key places that people tend to overstuff:

    1. Kitchen utensils/accessories. Put all of your utensils in a box and set a time period of four weeks. When you need something, grab it, use it and put it back in the original place you had it. After the four weeks are over, whatever is left in the box, GET RID OF IT.

    2. Clothes. Go to your closet and hang all of your clothes hangers the same direction - preferably the opposite way of how you typically hang them. Give yourself 6 weeks per season (guage this by the variety of seasons in your area). When you wear/launder something, hang it the opposite way. Once that timeframe is complete, you'll easily be able to detect which hangars are in the "wrong" position and that will help you to decipher what you should get rid of.

    I think one person on your blog comments said that what you're going through is a common reaction to losing someone while being fully aware of the joy that awaits the ones who have gone on. I can totally see how it would seem pointless to keep anything down here other than your sanity and relationship with Jesus. But on the flip side, even though "old lady" stirred up some strong reactions, she might have a point from the angle that while you could NEVER be accused of being selfish, perhaps Jason or Em want to proces their grief by holding ONTO things instead of purging. Just a thought...

    I'm rambling, but I just watched the Oprah before I read your purging blog so I thought I'd put that out there. I have no doubt in my mind that you will do the things that are best for yourself and for those that you love because you will be clear on your intention and motivation. And, when that is defined and becomes your truth, everything else will fall into a place that is beneficial and good for all.

    Thank you, my wild sister...
    Lynette

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  31. Anonymous6:10 PM

    aaron said it best...keep keeping it real, Adrienne. When I read your words, I read the words of Our Father coming thru so often. Please know that Noah's story has touched my life in a way that I never expected and that his mommy is someone who is an AMAZING woman! God Bless you, Em and Jason.
    Amy in Delaware

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