Sunday, February 04, 2007

Warning: this one's a doozer...
So, I've been ruined worse than ever. You see, my husband thinks the blog is great for me because I'm so opinionated that it's a great outlet. I can vent and verbalize whether anyone ever reads it or not. I agree. The problem is, this whole experience of being sifted, refined, and my heart ripped wide open has not made me any quieter and certainly no less opinionated...at least not for the things for which I am truly passionate! Before Jason had said that my views on things can make people feel a little uncomfortable or that I can come across harshly. Well, as much as I appreciate that, I have to say that I will speak the truth in love, but at the same time, I'm not interested in anyone's opinion of me. If I didn't have one friend on earth, I'd still have the Lord...anyway, all of this to say, I have so much stress right now that I am internalizing because of the trivial, yet the necessary, and it makes me sick! No, literally, the glands behind my right ear are swollen and tender all the way down my neck! The source of my stress is myself, whom I cannot escape, obviously. I am wrestling with wanting to purge my entire household of, well, pretty much everything. I'm not sold on the "American Dream" or any other nation's for that matter...I want to sell the house and then build a small one somewhere remote and start over. I don't want to start over collecting stuff and filling closets and drawers. I don't want more storage space. That is what I want to escape. I am doing it. I am purging our home and our lives of the things that so easily entangle because I know how great I feel when I take loads of stuff to charities and shelters, but the process is sickening to my spirit. Does any of this make sense? In order to simplify, I'm in the midst of complication...I don't think it's a sin to have a house or to make it pretty, or to enjoy nice things, but when the house is so full that people are tripping over one another and all that comes of it is extra dusting, well in my opinionated opinion, it's too darn much. I really just need to have someone come over and throw everything away while I'm not looking, because if it's something I'll miss, then I liked it too much...actually, there were a few times while in the hospital that I hoped our house would burn down, except for my family and Bible and a disc of our favorite pictures...I don't like being an alien, but I don't want to feel like a resident, either. The truth is, I know we need to have food, clothing and shelter, so why does life on earth have to feel so much like an oxymoron? (Rhetorical...go to "Garden Story" in Genesis if this isn't rhetorical to you...) I mentioned a long time ago a book that has become a staple in my gift giving. It's called, One Minute of Margin, by Richard A. Swenson. (This doctor/author actually took the time to write me when I sent him an email about Noah long ago.) Anyway, it's revolutionized my life in a great way. I really am grateful for the role the book has played in my thinking. It's that admitting that my life has become so complicated that minimizing in order to reduce stress actually produces stress, well, again, it's an oxymoron. If Noah were home right now, then I wouldn't be downsizing or purging. I'd be rolling around on the floor cleaning up barf and playing with my kids. But, somehow, now coming home without him, I'm in this mode of rearranging the whole house. Jason's out of town this week and probably fearful that upon his return, there will be a bed in the middle of the family room and a box of underwear. Nothing else. Just me and Em doing Nacho Libre moves on the mattress. I don't want to give a rip about this...I want to make Noah's room my office, my old office space a prayer niche, I want to move the TV to the basement so it's just for movie watching, and then rearrange the family room for a home Bible study. I can't make his room into my office until I can find the floor through the numerous boxes that are covering it from whatever it is that we collected at the hospital. It's all a snowball effect and you all get the picture. So, what I'm trying to rectify is the attitude of my heart with living here on earth. I know Mary chose the best thing, but if Martha wasn't in there making dinner, Jesus and everyone else's stomachs would have been growling about now...If I'm supposed to be of the 5 virgins with oil in her lamp and not just one of the 10 virgins, what does that truly look like? I have a gut feeling it's really radical...How do I fill my lamp and live here on earth with purpose?

40 comments:

  1. David3:58 PM

    Adrienne,

    Thanks for sharing all of that... and please leave Jason more than a little underwear... for the sake of the rest of us... ;-).

    I hear you... keep it simple... and keep sharing... and let us know how we can support you, Jason & Emily.

    David

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  2. Anonymous4:08 PM

    I am praying for you - I know the word says we are to carry eachother's burdens, so please know that I will carry your burdens through prayer. I have been touched and changed by your honesty and I am proud to call you my friend, even if we have never met in person! May you have a restful and peacefilled day!

    Your friend,
    Mary Vigil
    www.maryvigil.wordpress.com

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  3. Your blog was introduced to me through my old college roommate, who was sent the blog from her sister-in-law, who happened to have you, Adrienne, as her RD in college. Small world….
    Anyway, it’s hard to know how to express the so many emotions I have felt while following Noah’s journey and while I’m not one for "blowing sunshine", I did want to try and summarize a bit of what I have felt in the hopes that you will read this sometime and know how deeply it touched me.
    First off, the faith you have is amazing- no other words for it. Often I have thought to myself, would I have been able to withstand the obstacles that you were faced with if my son would have been in Noah’s place? I truly hope so and would like to think that I would have as much faith in the Lord as you guys do. I feel one really never knows how much pain and sorrow they can live through until God tests them. It is evident that your assurance and trust in the Lord is what got you through this challenging time in your lives. You won, God won. You are an inspiration to many and have helped strengthen my faith and I hope that the many people I encouraged to read your blog, some, if not all were introduced or re-introduced to the Lord.
    So happy to hear the news that you are thinking of publishing your experience!! I look fwd to buying a copy. When I first began reading your blog, I couldn’t help but compare it to the book When Christ Comes by Max Lucado. Growing up there have been many times when I’ve wondered what it will be like in God’s Kingdom, who we will be re-united with and the peace of mind knowing that we will be taken care of for all eternity if we just have faith and spread the Word. Through your thoughts you have shared with us, I again was able to have a calmness within knowing that if we just believe, HE will take care of us and will be waiting at the gates of heaven to greet us. Adrienne, I wonder, would you ever consider sharing your journey through speaking engagements in the future? Last thing on your mind, but I know many people would treasure your story and if EVER interested, I would be honored to have you speak at a function in my town. (Random thought, sorry.)
    Noah…. Your son has captivated my heart, along with the many others who have read of his legacy. I can’t help but look at the beautiful pictures you have shared with us and see similarities of my son in him; the peacefulness of him sleeping, the love he feels from family and friends around him; I recall you writing something to the effect that you will miss him with the tender, most deepest part of your heart. I can’t imagine that a day goes by, a second goes by without your thoughts wondering and thinking about your angelic boy. Yet I know that through your faith, you know he’s being well taken care of. I look at the pictures you have posted and am in awe by how you were able to stay so strong when he was hooked-up to so many machines, maybe having a bad day here and there and I have to remind myself and as you stated, some days were tougher than others, yet your faith and relationship with God to get you through this time was constant. Also, the video is priceless. It tore at my heart like nothing I’ve ever felt before, yet I know your intent was to show and let everyone celebrate Noah’s life along with your family- thank-you for that.
    Your last blog entry made perfect sense to me. I wish I knew you personally, you rock……. (I’ve written enough for now, maybe will comment another time.)

    It’s been a privilege to have been able to write some of my thoughts on Noah’s blog. You and your family and most of all Noah, are in my daily thoughts and prayers.

    God Bless You Always-
    Jill
    jhinkle@perham.k12.mn.us

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  4. Kolbrún4:21 PM

    I´m praying for you!! You are amazing gift from God to your readers lifes!
    Love, Kolbrún from Iceland

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  5. Anonymous4:32 PM

    Adrienne,

    I am so blessed by your words. I totally know what you’re saying. I am not going through the same trials as you, and can't imagine what you feel, but in my own life I have felt the same way. Why do we need all this stuff on earth? Why are we hear and what is our purpose? Purging and simplifying your life is not a bad thing, because I believe we all need to get a little perspective. God is so good to us, and I think we at times forget what He did for us. Thank you for sharing Noah’s journey with us. Be blessed.

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  6. I have a little piece of paper scotch taped to my computer desk that reads:

    "If you keep things simple they'll stay pure." I read it often!!!

    I read this saying 23 years ago, at a time in my life when I was going through the same thought process you are discussing. I was overwhelmed with the "stuff". We did take those necessary steps to downsize. Moving from a 4 bedroom, 3 bath home on 1 1/3 acre to a 1200 sq ft house with 3 bedrooms and 1 1/2 bath on a standard size lot in a small town out of the big city.

    We have never regretted the decision. I still find myself with too much "stuff". Most of which is given to us by those who love us, friends and children!

    Although I don't fall in the category of "thorns" spoken of in Mark 4:18, and I know you and Jason certainly do not!, I do think it is a constant fight to not let "The cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the lusts of other things entering in, choke the Word, and it becometh unfruitful". Mark 4:19

    I am old enough to be your mother or grandmother so my perspective comes from that

    The Holy Spirit will lead you and guide you as you move forward just as He has held you and guided you over these past difficult months you have just gone through.

    It is evident how many people you are touching just by posting the truth as it is being revealed to you.

    I love the song: He is a light unto my path and a lamp unto my feet.

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  7. Thanks for sharing with us...you always have such great thoughts - "real stuff."

    I'm with you on the journey to simplicity. The margin book has been one I have wanted to read for some time, but for now I'm stuck in "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World." Never wanted to read it, actually, because I thought it would hit too close to home...it does.

    Anyways, if I lived closer, I would definitely volunteer to come and help you sort, pack and simplify. Since I'm across the country (and you have no idea who I am), I can tell you that I am praying for you and for your family...for God's sustaining grace and peace until the day you are reunited with Noah and are finally (truly) home.

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  8. I am having trouble with my URL and knowing what I am doing as I am new at blogging. I am http://penlessthoughts@gmail.com and http://penlesswriter.blogspot.com or something like that. I am not trying to be anonymous!

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  9. Adrienne,
    I love reading what you think and write - I hope you don't stop. It is a beautiful perspective that speaks volumes!

    I can so relate to feeling the need to downsize - there are days that I wish we had the time (would commit to making the time?) to pretend that we were moving overseas. What would really be important enough to us to pack?

    You have experienced a very intense, rather long time of exposure to life & death situations and decisions that, as you said, no humans should ever have to make. I'm sure the whole world looks superfluous and shallow in comparison

    We are praying for you!

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  10. Anonymous5:37 PM

    Sweetie-
    This is a part of grief, of loss, of death that really isn't ever addressed. It is the knowledge that these things on earth are just "things", just "stuff", just "clutter". That when you die, things undone are left undone, & really have no meaning anymore in the realm of heaven. This is something that happens when you lose a loved one, because you are torn between earth & loss, & the knowledge of heaven & gain. I guess that is why the "experts" say to not make any big changes in your life for a year -- however, simplifying can at least help relieve some of the dusting (I really do understand that comment). And yet, some of that is somehow seeking a feeling of joy again too, but giving stuff to others. If you feel driven to do this, do it, or at least box up the things you can't decide about. Weavermom said it correctly, in that you have been through an intense time, & that makes things here seem really unnecessary. But, remember, that God has not yet called you home to him, & you are still here for a purpose -- a purpose for which you still needs pots, pans, & especially underwear. God bless you on this journey, & grant you peace.
    Jean

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  11. Anonymous5:54 PM

    Adrienne,
    God is so good. He is working through you. All of us who happen upon your blog are blessed by His truths.

    About the purging....I love to empty the closets and cupboards of extra stuff. You're makin' me want to do some serious spring cleaning. Years ago Hubby and I went to Japan for a year with only 2 suitcases a piece. We sold our little house and put everything in storage. I can honestly say, we didn't miss anything. 13 years, a dog, 3 kids and a bigger house later, I want to do it again. It's all just stuff. Blessings, Alison in Oregon

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  12. Anonymous6:30 PM

    Adrienne,

    I, too, am one of those people who you do not know. However, I feel very close to you and your family through the blessing of Noahs legacy. I found myself awake in the middle of the night last night and felt the need to pray for you and Em and Jason. You guys are such a powerful witness to those of us who read your thoughts and wishes. The pictures are priceless and I too am in awe over your strength to carry you through those times of what had to be the most painful time in your life. But....Noah...is still with you always. In your thoughts, your daily activities and your heart. This is also a part of healing. I'm sure when you came home from the hospital that you werent even really sure who's house you walked into. But you have made all of your decisions with the Lord leading you all of the way and I know this time will be no different. You walked into the life you had before all of the hospital time and pain. Now your whole life has changed and I totally understand why you feel like its all just "stuff" now and things that matter most are not material but gifts that we recieve everyday from God through his grace and mercy. You are such an inspiration to me!!!!

    On a lighter note....we all beg of you.....in that cold weather up there.......PLEASE LEAVE JASON HIS UNDERWEAR AND ATLEAST A JACKET!! And sweet Em.......she needs undies too!!!

    I know you dont know me Adrienne...but I love you and your family and even though we are miles away I am there with you in prayer and think of you guys often.

    Dianne
    Hueytown, Alabama
    broadhead1994@aol.com

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  13. Adrienne,

    Now you're talking. I can't relate to the death of anyone precious to me, it just has never happened to me. But this, this feeling of wanting to downsize EVERYthing, that's my language. I know exactly what you mean when you say it's just too darn much. I am growing in my disdain for things the older I get, and I'm only 26 with no kids, just a dog. My hus and I joke that our kids are going to get 2 toys, a hard one and a soft one. :) We are getting ready to pack up and thru-hike the Appalachian Trail, from Georgia to Maine. In this pursuit I'm confident I'll find a piece of the secret as to why it's so liberating to survive on just what you can carry on your back.

    As you discover the answer in your journey, do keep sharing. And posting pictures of the results. :)

    Betsy

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  14. Melody from MN6:42 PM

    Hey there Adrienne, how neat that you wrote an entry about not needing stuff. This is something I'm really learning in the last few years since I got married and now have a child...its crazy how quickly things can accumulate. Sometimes I go through moments where I purge things too and bring them to charities, and it certainly does feel good to do that. Our pastor has been doing a series on financial matters/being wise with money/how we don't need things to be happy, etc...and yesterday I sang a song for the service that very much goes along with this matter and is very touching. It is a new piece called "Everything I Own" by a new artist named Jason Gray. You can listen to it on his website http://www.myspace.com/jasongraymusic

    Hope you have a good night. My thoughts and prayers continue for you and your family...and thanks for the sweet picture of Em & Noah. How precious the love of that big sister...

    Melody from MN
    singermelody@hotmail.com

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  15. Anonymous6:54 PM

    You know what's funny in a fantastic way is that so many of us relate to you and get so much from your writings in so many different ways. If that makes sense. I've never been an outspoken person when it comes to my opinions. But something you said "life's to short to mince words" really stuck with me. And I've found myself speaking out and speaking up. And it feels good!

    I also know that I believe in God. I've experienced his immediate presence and answer first hand at a time of stress in my life. It was a small gesture with huge impact that I know I will never forget it. He has made me aware through someone else that he knows me, that I have purpose. Another experience I will never forget. With that said, I have not answered that call. I often wonder what am I afraid of. Adrienne, I can not even quote a scripture to save my life and that is the honest truth.

    We went to church last Saturday evening for the first time in months, and it felt good. Although it did happen to be the one Sunday of the year that they solicit the support of the church in a big way - it was still good. Because Father Tam said one line prior to the presentation that struck me - and this is where I was going with the previous paragraph - "Doing the work of the Lord is never easy". And I realize that is what I have been afraid of. That it's going to be hard. That I'm going to have to step out of my comfort zone. Even putting these words out there makes me terrified because then it's 'real' because I've shared it.

    Your blog, your journey, Noah's legacy have affected me deeply and made me realize life really is too short... so I need to get moving.

    This purging is probably a more common feeling than you'd think, especially for you, especially now. If it's part of what you need to do to heal and move forward then I say do it. Even if it's to pack in all in boxes and store in a different place so that you can sift through it later when you've had some distance between now and then.

    I'm among those who'd like to call you friend, even though I don't know you. And I'm among those who keeps you all close at heart.

    Much love!
    -Annalisa

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  16. While your wisdom is right on and totally true, remember that you are grieving. You must allow yourself to feel ALL of this. You aren't wrong or opinionated because you 'feel' a certain way. God can use this grieving time to bring you to new places spiritually but don't sell you home just yet, as your husband and daughter might be clinging to all that IS familar in their grieving process. God will guide, he always does.

    Still praying for you all.

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  17. Mandy7:14 PM

    Thank you Adrienne, for another touching photo. I check your blog every day for that little bit of information and even a photo. Please know how much it is appreciated.

    You see.... I feel so close to you and your family due to following Noah's journey. So every time you make a post its like I am getting an important phone call to update me on my family.

    That is how important you all have become to me. Even though you have never spoken to me or even met me you all have a special place in my heart. I think of you all every day.

    Thank you for another "call", I really love your latest post. I have lost loved ones, even my own father and I too have gone through the "clutter" phase. In fact I have done it multiple times. It really helps Adrienne, I hope it helps you as well.

    I say another prayer for you all tonight and I will be waiting for that next "call" from you.

    God Bless,
    Mandy

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  18. Anonymous8:19 PM

    Praise God for outspoken women! Adrienne, your words have blessed all of us! Please keep sharing your "opinionated" views! It is refreshing to see the truth in your words in this world of so many trying to be ever-"politically correct" and "careful"! I thank God for you!
    Gretchen

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  19. Laura8:21 PM

    Adrienne-

    My parents recently built a beautiful, but small, new "retirement" home with heat literally IN the floor. In order to optimize this heating system, they did not build the house with a basement. People who tour the home are always so taken back that they built this new home with no basement. My dad always says, "if you can get over the "stuff issue", there really is no need for a basement." He's got it right...what is "storage" really for? It is useless. It only clutters our already very cluttered lives.

    Thank you for sharing this with us. And the picture is just priceless. Em and Noah had such a striking resemblence. I pray that you will always see your precious little boy when you look at her. They are both beautiful!!!

    Praying for peace...
    Laura
    Ohio

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  20. heidi jo w9:18 PM

    reading this is giving me courage. i think i need to go do a house-purging too. isn't it strange when our lives get so cluttered we actually think a fire would help free us? i have SO been there myself.. i almost felt guilty for even thinking it because if there WERE a fire i would feel so overwhelmed to have lost everything... and yet as long as i remain in control of my "stuff" i simply want to, well, remain IN CONTROL of my stuff. i suppose if it was taken out of my hands i would actually come to terms with any of it nor would i grow through it - it would be forced and not a heart change. i want my heart to change as i declutter my life and focus on what is REALLY important just as your world has been rocked to take stock of what is TRULY valuable in life. noah sure taught us a lot didn't he? one obvious thing right now is about what is really important in life. wow... i think i ought to go purge right now while this feeling is fresh.

    i'm so glad you shared this adrienne.. it's amazing to see the process of your journey and to have your willingness to share it as a gift of light to the rest of us. rest assured we WILL learn from your family - we WILL make the truly valuable cherished in our lives too.

    heidi jo w

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  21. Anonymous10:23 PM

    Adrienne,

    I am praying for you. I absolutely identify with the "stuff" issue. I am going through my own purging at this time. I want nothing more than to take a vow of poverty and live like Jesus. Pure..simple..spreading the love and word of God and that is it. I hate my T.V. It is like a window I invite satan into my home and my children's hearts. I can't even watch the news without feeling attacked in some manor. It is like satan's glory for all to see and then the double wammy with the commercials of perverted sex appeal in between. Yeah, I like that....NOT! I always knew that you and I had something in common and that is or was..the Goodwill, second-hand stores, an occasional dapple in antiques. Oh man...do I love Goodwill finds..Ralph Lauren, Pottery Barn ect. at rock bottom prices..who can resist? The problem is, it is just stuff (sometimes really good stuff) and it takes over, gets in the way...it starts to crowd us...mind, body and spirit and it is overwhelming. It is not really ME. I am, in fact, living in a decaying shell. The things I buy and fill my home with are temporary..in God's eyes a blink. All in all it is meaningless. I just want Jesus...Less of me (and all my crap) and more of him....

    I can not begin to articulate the way I have been moved by you, Noah, your story and the way it has had a profound impact on my life. I thank God. I thank God for you. I love your "opinionated opinion". I think it is one of your greatest gifts. If ever there is a time you would like to grab a cup a coffee, need a meal, have a play date, or ANYTHING, it would be my pleasure to oblige!
    All my love to you, Jason and Emily-
    Jessica Medlin
    jessmedlin@gmail.com

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  22. Adrienne,

    I've been reading your blog since January 20 when a friend forwarded it on to me. I haven't been ready to write to you yet because, emotinally, I was not able to handle the words that I want to share with you.

    Like so many of us, you and your family, most particularly, Noah, have forever changed my heart. There were days during your postings that I simply could read no more. My heart is so saddened for your loss...a mothers (parents) grief has to be like no other. Whether we are safe in the knowledge or not that our loved one is with the Lord, it does not lessen our pain in accepting that he is gone, to not be physically loved by the ones left behind. Adrienne, you've made me sad and you've made me strong but tonight I need to share something important with you.

    You don't know me...my opinion is quite different from the postings you've read thus far. You see, I am also outspoken and tell it like I feel/see it. I UNDERSTAND your need to purge, to rid yourself of all those things that have no meaning....ABSOLUTELY NO MEANING. By all means, do those things that may help comfort you at this time...please, I beg of you, do not be so hard on yourself during this time. I will pray for your peace tonight...Adrienne, all of the things that you are wanting to purge are not going to change your immediate tomorrow. It is not the physical that clutters our lives but rather the emotional. Adrienne, it feels, from this outsiders view, that you have taken on so much, more than you should at this time...I really think it's okay to stop and grieve...I wish I would have...

    My father died at a very young age, just 48 years old, 17 years ago. My mother purged everything, feeling the need to rid herself of anything material. By ridding ourselves of the material items, in my 23 year old mind, I needed to rid myself of the pain/loss so I ran away from it. What happened during the process of purging was the things being "donated" were things that would have meaning to my children today.

    I feel your frustration and perhaps, anger. You're not looking for advice but here it is...wait. Until tomorrow...until next week. Breathe. Feel. Mourne.

    While reading your blog you told us where your headband came from...when I visited Kim's websight I saw one of the blankets that covered Noah...I am pregnant with our first boy (we have three girls)and ordered that blanket, because it will remind me of Noah and what he has given me. When I put my headband on I see your beautiful face, giving us all hope. Those material items will remind me daily of your love...

    I pray for you and your family every day...

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  23. Anonymous10:48 PM

    A practical word from an old lady - you need to nurture and nest the family you have left. I read all of these very spiritual posts - but sometimes spirituality is found in the practical everyday tasks. You have a daughter and a husband - it's time to focus on their broken hearts.

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  24. Old Lady,

    CAN IT! My sister-in-law is doing more than focusing on my brother and nieces broken heart along with her own. You honestly have NO idea.

    Ade...if you want to delete my response I will understand but seriously I couldn't shut my mouth for that one. Sometimes people reading your blog feel the need to bring thier own "personal clutter" into what they write.

    Much love!!!
    Tonja

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  25. Well Adrienne,

    I have managed to read your blogs, save for December and January. It really is hard going as I have to keep stopping as a pic or a word or a phrase will catch my by surprise and I will be crying my eyes out.

    Yesterday morning I went into your blog and was 'dissapointed' that you had not posted. It almost feels like you are a part of my life - if that makes any sense!

    Thank you for sharing your inner most thoughts, feelings, dreams, wants, wishes, worships - it means a lot and it feels like I know you even though you are many hours across the sea from me in South Africa!

    On Friday I printed your blogs and took them home - for the purpose of being able to read them and be able to cry and sob indiscriminately without being interupted at work and asked whats wrong all the time! Some people just can't seem to get it - asking my why do I read sad stories if they make me cry.

    Anyway, I put the printed pages on my bed and there was a pic of Noah on the first page, my daughter of 18 months took one look at the picture, picked the paper up, and gave Noah a hug and kiss - I just was so amazed and wanted to share that with you!

    Jut know that your story and Baby Noah's story has touched someone as young as 18 months old!

    God works in mysterious ways!

    You are in my prayers and my thoughts .... please keep sharing!

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  26. Anonymous4:32 AM

    Dear Noah's family,

    The people who is writing on the blog is writing an encouragement letter for your family.I pray that Noah is alright in heaven, but he is. I maybe will right to you almost everyday if I have time. In chapel the kindergaten through 5th grade,learned about Jesus healing a Devil boy, that means there is a devil inside the boy. I pray that God will protect you in his hands!


    Sincerly,
    Mirim Yoon
    Centennial Christian School -ccs
    "Praise Jesus!" 4rth grade

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  27. Anonymous6:00 AM

    When my mother went home to Jesus 2 years ago I had a terrible time getting rid of things...so with all I had I kept piling more on. I was so convicted that this is just 'stuff'...I can't take it with me...maybe someone else can use it. I am also trying to downsize...it has been a hard journey and mostly because of my inability to "let go of this stuff" that clutters my life. Thanks for your honesty. I love it and I love knowing that no matter how far apart we all live...we can share the same struggles. Thanks for continuing this blog....I look for it everyday it boosts me, makes me cry, makes me think and most of all helps me to put into perspective that fact that I am just an alien here and home is waiting for me when Jesus calls me there.

    blessings,
    gail, your friend in Ohio

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  28. I have no advice...no answers...no insight. But I wish you peace.

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  29. Anonymous8:09 AM

    Micah 6:8 "He has shown thee o, man what is good and what does the Lord require of thee. But to do justly, and to love mercy and to walk humbly with thy God." I think God has shown you what is good and purging things that stand between you and God is a good thing. But remember that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. He doesn't want you to be stressed doing His will. And though He may have told you to purge and cleanse, maybe you need to slow down some and Wait, Wait on the Lord so that you can mount up with wings of eagles and skip the swollen glands. Much love in Jesus. Becki

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  30. Anonymous8:22 AM

    Tonya, I did not mean to offend you.

    I do know - I buried two children - my two daughters 9 months apart to the day. Age 13 and 16 - sudden death syndrome. No warning.

    I do know. I know all of it.

    I apologize again if I offended you.

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  31. I read often, but don't comment much because well, I feel a little weird reading about your tragedy when I just cannot relate. I feel like I have nothing to offer you in the way of advice. We lost 2 children before birth, but the pain of that compared to what you've been through is very different.

    But then I read this post and it really hit home. I know so many Christians right now who are feeling the urge to purge, downsize, whatever. I am there myself. I am not sure why; it is a cleansing type of feeling, and maybe it is a way that you are able to cleanse yourself from the grief, I don't know. Just know you're not alone.

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  32. Adrienne,
    I don't think you are harsh or opinionated in the least. I love your fresh honesty. I wish you peace in the days ahead,strength and courage... Always praying for a sister of Christ.

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  33. Thank you for sharing your heart. I discovered your blog about a month ago, and it is now one I check daily. You encourage me & inspire me to live my life with purpose. I hug my kids a little tighter because of Noah's story.

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  35. Anonymous3:24 PM

    Adrienne,

    I have posted before and so here I am again. KISS - Keep it simple stupid. I am not saying you are stupid becuase you are not, you are a very vibrant, hurting, beautiful loving mother and person and you are doing what you need to do. So if you want to move your office to do so. When you are ready. If you want just the bed and underwear do it. Do what is making you feel best and deal with your loss. Cry, scream really loud, have a pedicure. I don't know if this makes sense but you do what you need to do! Thank you so much for sharing and know that I pray for you and your family every night. Good Bless you.
    A mom from South Dakota.

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  36. Adrienne

    God bless you. God has given you such a beautiful heart and tender spirit and such an inimate wisdom in knowing Him.
    I am so blessed by knowing you through Noah's journey and by
    knowing Noah through your heart and spirit.
    I thank God for you.
    Love
    Lynda Bishop
    bishopswife@comcast.net

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  37. Anonymous7:57 PM

    I love your your opinionated opinion. Thanks for sharing it with us. And its obvious to me that it hasn't stopped you from having any friends here on this earth! real and in this land of cyberspace!
    ~D

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  38. Adrienne,
    I enjoy your honesty. I am so glad you and your husband are considering writing a book. There are so many parents and families that could benifit from your family's experience.
    We continue to pray for you and your family daily.

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  39. Anonymous6:50 AM

    I hope that I wasn't the other comment that offended. You have inspired me so much in your walk and testimony and perhaps what I said came across wrong. I don't think that you are missing God, if anything I think that you are standing pure and undefiled and able to hear from Him so clearly. I really only intended to encourage you that He doesn't want you to stress as you do His bidding. Thank you for sharing with us and encouraging us in your walk with the Lord. Becki

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  40. Anonymous11:20 PM

    I don't know you, but after reading your blog, I feel like I do and that, in a sense, I took this journey with you. Please, continue to write...your family is an inspiration! I love the honesty, wit, and love that is clear in your writing! I especially love seeing the strength and wisdom that God has given you! I'm praying for your family to continue to grow in Godliness!
    Mandy

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