Wednesday, February 07, 2007

So, the future, obviously, is so uncertain. Emily wants me to "grow another baby in my belly." She's ready for another brother, she said. It's not that I am fearful, but during the 5+ months we were in the hospital, as a result of my own research on the outside, we uncovered some strange things in my blood, and Noah's. We haven't even checked Jason's yet...In Noah's blood, one lab found antigens (markers on blood cells) for Borellia burgdorferi (Bb), the spirocete or bacteria, for Lyme's disease. So why didn't we treat him for that? Well, because another blood test did not reveal him having the antibodies for Bb, so his body was not recognizing it as foreign. So, another lab found that Noah's immunoglobulin (Ig) was elevated against his myelin. That lab wanted my blood sample to see if it was really my Ig showing up in his blood work. Well, in my sample there were over 8 spirocetes. A spirocete is a spiral shaped bacteria that morphes between worm/active phase and cyst/dormant stage. There are docs and researchers that have been doing a lot of work on stealth organisms, spirocetes, and have named them the great mimickers. They mimic many of the diseases we know in traditional medicine, but they can't be traced through regular tests because they appear like that disease process, but aren't really it. I'm not sure if this is making sense...Researchers have found these spirocetes in more than just ticks. They've been found in spiders, biting flies, and mosquitoes. They have also been found in every, and I mean every bodily fluid. There are many details from my mom research that I can't really go into here for a lack of cyberspace, but all of this to say, I don't want to try to get pregnant again until I don't have those buggers in my blood. The only problem is, I'm not sure I can get rid of them...that is what I'm currently working on. And, just like I didn't think I could love a second kid as much as the first, which I found out is absolutely possible, I wonder, however, if I had another son, or daughter for that matter, if I were to stare at him and wish it were Noah and not kid number 3...would I resent that kid? I know that sounds awful but that is what I'm currently processing...

44 comments:

  1. What an absolutely beautiful picture of you and your precious son. We will continue to pray for you so that you will soon have answers to your many questions.

    Anne

    ReplyDelete
  2. As a women who has lost her baby, I will tell you that wanting another is in no way replacing Noah. Noah has left a legacy with you and every single person who has encountered you and your family. Another baby would be so blessed to share the love that flows from you and your husband. God will direct you if and when this should take place. You have trusted him to this point. I like to believe that you son and mine are together in heaven. My Drake will show him around heaven.

    ReplyDelete
  3. That picture of you and Noah is BEAUTIFUL! Thank you so much for sharing your family pictures and your life. I look forward to each new post. I get a glimpse of what you are going through and I admire your from afar. I hope that in itme you will find the answers to your questions. I continue to pray for you and your family. Thank you again for sharing your precious photos and your feelings/thoughts with all of us. Angelika

    ReplyDelete
  4. Mandy776:32 PM

    Adrienne,

    Thank you so much for another "call" packed with information. It means a lot, to know more about the specifics like this. Sometimes(especially in the beginning) my mind was so busy wondering what was going on inside little Noah. I was always happy when you shared the medical side of things and I still am. So thank you.

    I may only know you through this blog but my heart tells me that any child would be beyond lucky to have you and your family. So if down the road another child is what you decide he/she will be blessed just like Noah and Em. And will be brought to this earth by only the smartest and best decisions any parent can make. I commend you for caring enough to look into this more. For not burring yourself in the grief but pushing forward and continuing the research.

    Lastly the newest photo is honestly one of the most precious yet. Thank you for sharing.

    God Bless,
    Mandy77

    mandydyer55@hotmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  5. It's me again - I'm Heather G's friend - yet another mother who has lost a baby. I've only commented one other time, but felt drawn into this subject matter. There's a book called, "Trying Again" that talks about subsequent pregnancy after a loss. It doesnt specifically focus too much on infant loss, but there are some insights from people who have been through it that discuss when you know you're ready (and not worried about thinking the new child will replace the one who is gone) etc.. Anyway, I know you have some physical issues to overcome as well, but I have found it helpful as we are contemplating "trying again" soon.
    Also, I don't mean to use this for my own personal clutter, but wanted to share with you that before I heard of your story, I was struggling with how to create a website or something to tell Emma's story. Well, you inspired me to start a blog . It's a work in progress and I dont know if I'll ever be able to speak as freely as you do. It's just good to finally have a place where people can go see her beautiful face, read a sweet poem written for her by my father and hopefully, I can add to it soon.
    Your previous post has also brought me one step closer to finally being okay with taking all the little pink clothes out of the closet.
    Thanks for being such an inspiration to the world!
    Julie
    www.emmakatespage.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous6:55 PM

    As someone who has not lost a child, or even gone through anything remotely close to what you've had to endure, I do not know the answers to your questions. However, I do know (with almost certainty) that if you were to have another child you WOULD love him or her just as much as you love Noah and Emily. I'm sure your new little bundle would remind you of Noah, most certainly. But knowing you, Adrienne (well, through your blog anyway), you would pour out so much love for that little person...as much love as any child in this world deserves to have. He or she would be beyond blessed to know you as "mom"....and Jason as "dad".

    Heck, if they're even half as cute as Em and Noah, I think you should have 10 more!!

    Praying for answers...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous7:35 PM

    I am sure I know which one smelled the sweetest. I really love this photo!

    You have much to look into and pray about. I too will be praying for these things.

    Chrissy

    ReplyDelete
  8. That joys is there, reach out and claim it and praise the Lord.... I dont know why I have never written to you but felt led to tonight. I have lost a daughter, it was a huge pain and I was very lost. The devil tried to steal my joy and for a long time I thought he had. Reach out and claim your healing and your joy will be restored in Jesus name! I will be praying for all of you!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hey new friend :)

    I wanted to let you know that I'm not being lame and not coming to church so I can sleep in. I just lost my car... so it makes it a little hard. :) BUT! We still have to be buddies ;)


    I'm most CERTAINLY still praying for you guys.
    brandy

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous8:34 PM

    I spent the past few hours reading your entire blog from start to today...I belong to a group online full of moms and your blog has been read by all of us.

    You, your husband, Em, and Noah have all touched me more than I can even describe to you. In the past few hours, I was changed by such a small person and I thank you for your blog, for your pictures, your bravery and your honesty.

    I will keep your family in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous8:54 PM

    Although I can see how the thought of resenting a third child could arise, you resenting your kid seems like an oxymoron to me...you are the one that is teaching us how to truly see our children as extra special, hand chosen gifts from God to us...comment after comment on this blog shares of how you are leading us by example to love our children more deeply...It is so clear to see that your love for Noah and Emily comes from God through you...that's what makes it extraordinary

    Tonight, before I fall asleep I'm gonna ask God to help you and Jason figure out whats going on with your blood and all that stuff (I don't think I'll be able to share with Him all of those big words you used though...well, I could...it'd probably make Him smile to hear me attempt to..) I'm also going to ask Him to guide you and Jason as you pray about whether or not to have more children. And, I'm gonna ask Him to bless the socks off of your sweet Emily...May her days be laced with joyfilled giggles!

    Thanks for sharing another picture...it is so tender and peaceful...

    Jody C.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Adrienne - I know you do not know me... I have read your blog since January 7th. Have you thought about tackling these organisms in your blood "naturally"? I use a naturopath. If you are interested, please leave me a comment on my blog. I don't want to leave my email address here.
    God bless you all.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Anonymous9:16 PM

    What about Em's blood? Does she too carry these "buggers" that were found in yours and Noah's?

    ReplyDelete
  14. I have recently been introduced to you and your amazing faith. As an expectant mother it can be both frightening and encouraging to read of your families trials. It brings fear of possibilities to me. But in those possibilities a reminder that God's plan is not our own. I haven't read all of your entries, but i see your faith in our amazing God. When we choose to endeavor in the path of parenthood we open our selves to His will. How scary that can be. I truly believe that when He takes one so Little and so Precious its because He has already finished His plan for them. When i was in highschool a boy i had dated passed. No one could understand why so young, why? But i believe God has a plan for each of our lives some of them are so great that it takes only months or years to complete. How blessed you are that God gave you a child that would touch SO many in such a short time. God made Noah's life so great that he came and left to be at The Almighty's side. While the pain of his departure seems unbearable God allows us to see Himself and heal and hold us together. You have encouraged me to be reminded that this child i am carrying is not my own. I must remind, and teach him to love above all else God. To show compassion on those around us, those that are hurting, or in need. People who talk negatively, or tell you to stop grieving and pay attention to your husband and beautiful daughter, need to realize that only time, God's time will heal all of you. And even then the pang of pain may never leave.
    As an encouragement, i will tell you that i have an aunt and uncle who bore a child 10 years ago. Who underwent and has continued to undergo numerous operations, and treatments to try to correct all of the imperfections he was born with. When he was 5 years old he led them to Christ. As he was wheeled into one of the many operations he turned to his mother (who was crying from fear of the outcome) and stated " don't worry mommy, He'll be with me just like last time." He pointed to a picture of Jesus on the wall. Needless to say my little cousin is 10 years old, but the size of a 6 year old. my reason for sharing that is, my aunt and uncle debated whether or not many of these conditions and or illnesses would carry over to another child. They did not and they had a little girl 3years later who was normal. Trust in the Lord with all thine heart. Your faith in Him is amazing he will never give you more than you can handle. Like Job you have leaned on God. I pray for your continued and renewed faith daily. sorry if this is too long or drags on i just needed to share with you how you and God's little angel have touched my soul.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I cannot even pretend to imagine what you are going through emotionally..but the fact that Emily is wanting you to "grow" another baby in your belly says to me that you both have done something incredibly right. For her to be that secure with all that you all have gone through is truly amazing! What a testimony to Our Lord and Savior! Nobody,Nobody, Nobody will ever replace Noah...but I am confident that the Lord would NEVER give you more than you can handle. All of the emotions you have are what any of us would be thinking and feeling if we had gone through half of what you have. I truly appreciate your honesty and openess. Through your family the Lord has opened my eyes on how to not only look at my own relationship with Christ, but how to be a living example of Christ through my honest and actions for my four sons. Ten months ago we did not think my son Callen was going to make it through his third surgery. We were prepared to say goodbye to him..we told him to go home to the Lord. I will always remember the peace that came over my husband and me during the surgery. All fear was gone. We were the ones telling our non-believer relatives that it was going to be okay....no matter what happened, it was in the Lord's hands. My point is that after the surgery was over Callen was still very unstable, his surgeon came out and just sat and talked to us for about forty five minutes about life and death. We had the opportunity to just sit there and cry, or use this time to give glory to God. We chose to give praise and glory to Our Lord! I never went on missions trips in high school, and I never would have imagined that the Lord would give me such a personal missions trip of my own! I am encouraged by you, and selfishly I hope that you do have the chance to have another child someday...your children are beautiful! You have done a truly amazing job with Emily in this most stressful and sad time, you can see the security and strength in her eyes. In my thoughts and prayers!!

    -Jessica Wilson
    www.babyjellybeans.com

    ReplyDelete
  16. Casey Hill10:02 PM

    Hey, Jay and Ade. Been thinking about you guys. I spoke with Tor and he told me about his visit out there. He said Emily is so-o-o-o precious and smart as a whip. Glad to hear you're doing well.

    You're earning quite a blog-following here; no surprise. It's an amazing chronicle; you've relayed the journey with incredible depth. It's like you guys are teaching a whole lot of people how to love... and why. Reading all this makes me want to hug my little boy, Levi, a little longer, squeeze him a little tighter and think how blessed I am.

    I'll check back again sometime soon.

    Casey (& Sabina) Hill

    ReplyDelete
  17. I've spent the last few hours reading your blog from the beginning. My heart both breaks and rejoices with you. Your love for both Noah and our Lord is evident in your words and in the pictures. I can only imagine the whirlwind of emotions that you experience, especially in these last few weeks. There really are no comforting words to offer, other than "I'm so sorry." Please know that I'm not sorry for your story, but for your pain, because your story has already touched lives and brought them closer to the throne.

    Last year I experienced grief myself (in no way compared to yours). After four years of infertility, I lost two of my babies in the first trimester of pregnancy. The term would be miscarriage but I don't like to call it that. During that time, this is what the Lord spoke to me "This is your test, and it will be your testimony." I know that the same rings true for you, this is not only your testimony but it is Noah's as well, and his story will continue.

    My prayers are with you.

    ReplyDelete
  18. That picture takes my breath away. I want to express more, but there are no words to justify the beauty, peace, and unfortunately the sadness that this picture evokes in me. You continue to inspire me to places I only dreamed of going before. You are an incredible woman of faith and and an incredible mom. You're children (however many that may be) are so fortunate God chose you as their mommy!God bless you!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I love the picture of you and Noah, it is breath taking. I came across your video on youtube and I was draw in by your story, your life and your faith in god.
    I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and your family and your in our thoughts and prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  20. As has been said - but I will say it again. God will show you the way - so if you do fall pregnant again it will be God's will.

    I am a mother of three children - and I love my three children to bits, however I love them all differently because they are individuals.

    I have not had to experience what you have, but I believe that you will love your third, fourth, fifth, etc child as much as you love Emily and Noah.

    I am not sure if you are familiar with Josh Groban, but I love his music and last night I thought of these two songs "To Where You Are" and "You Raise Me Up". So this morning I went and found the lyrics and thought that I would post them here for you as they give me strength for different reasons, but I thought that they are so appropriate in your moment.

    Thank you again for sharing your story and your lovely, poignant photographs. Whenever I think that I am over the crying - I feel your next post and photograph and the tears start all over again.

    Thank you also for helping me to rediscover my faith!

    I end my comments with the lyrics and trust that you will find the same spiritual message that I have ....

    "To Where You Are"

    Who can say for certain
    Maybe you're still here
    I feel you all around me
    Your memory's so clear

    Deep in the stillness
    I can hear you speak
    You're still an inspiration
    Can it be (?)
    That you are mine
    Forever love
    And you are watching over me from up above

    Fly me up to where you are
    Beyond the distant star
    I wish upon tonight
    To see you smile
    If only for awhile to know you're there
    A breath away's not far
    To where you are

    Are you gently sleeping
    Here inside my dream
    And isn't faith believing
    All power can't be seen

    As my heart holds you
    Just one beat away
    I cherish all you gave me everyday
    'Cause you are my
    Forever love
    Watching me from up above

    And I believe
    That angels breathe
    And that love will live on and never leave

    Fly me up
    To where you are
    Beyond the distant star
    I wish upon tonight
    To see you smile
    If only for awhile
    To know you're there
    A breath away's not far
    To where you are

    I know you're there
    A breath away's not far
    To where you are

    You Raise Me Up"

    When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
    When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
    Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
    Until you come and sit awhile with me.

    You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
    You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
    I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
    You raise me up... To more than I can be.

    You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
    You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
    I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
    You raise me up... To more than I can be.

    You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
    You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
    I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
    You raise me up... To more than I can be.

    You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
    You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
    I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
    You raise me up... To more than I can be.

    You raise me up... To more than I can be.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Penless Thoughts6:06 AM

    Thank you for another beautiful picture or two very beautiful people.

    As the mother of 4 children and 6 grandchildren I will tell you each is special and very different and our love for each is special and different but there is always more than enough love.

    http://penlesswriter.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  22. Stunning picture. I will pray for a peace that surpasses all understanding for your future family size issues. You are not wrong for having doubts, you are not wrong if you choose only one child, you are not wrong if you choose to have five more. God will lead you and he can provide the answers in ways we weren't even thinking about.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Anonymous7:22 AM

    Funny thing, the human heart...we never can put a guage on it. The depth is sooooooo very massive.To think it pails in comparrison to our Fathers, overwhelms me!

    Those thoughts sound very normal to me,and they will probably come and go, but Adrienne you will love another child no doubt about it.(this is not a prohecy by the way) You exhibit the very heart of God and that is Love.

    My prayers are with you no matter the journey you choose.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Anonymous7:31 AM

    After a friend told me about your blog, I can't seem to get away from it! You have touched my life and God has shown me so much. He is truly an Awesome God. Your little guy is still reaching people....this is amazing! Continue is his care...

    ReplyDelete
  25. Anonymous7:46 AM

    Giving God the Glory, even through life's storms, you are an encouragement to all. Noah is very precious, thank you for sharing him. I just read through your entire blog last night. I will be praying for you, you have touched my heart. My son, Jacob was born 1/16/96 and went to be with Jesus 2/20/96. My fear of death went with him as well. Praise God for these gifts, and for trusting us with them. At the time Jacob was born I also had a daughter, Ali, 16 months old. Jacob never came home from the hospital, he was unable to breath on his own. I have a box with just a few precious items under my bed, his prints and a piece of hair. I remember missing his smell. God blessed me with 2 more children after Jacob, Timothy(gift from Heaven) and Brittany. They are all 8 and up now. We celebrate Jacob's BDay every year and continue to display pictures in our home. We will forever be changed because of what God did through his precious and short life. "I will raise my hands, cause You are who You are...I will praise You in the storm!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  26. I came here this morning through another blog and I've been reading now for over an hour. Your story has touched me deeply, like so many others. What has really gotten to me is that there is great hope and joy and peace and well, basically I came here and I have experienced the Spirit of God. The pictures are so beautiful. The video is mindblowing. Noah is so beautiful. God is blessed to have him in His arms even now. Your family is amazing. I could go on and on but what I really want to say is that God is so very good. He has spoken to me and I'm sure countless others through your words and images here. Thank you for sharing your heart for Him. I'll be back to see what He's up to.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I have spoken to you via e-mail, and now I thought I would leave a comment on your site. I come here every day to see if there are any new blogs posted. Each blog is so incredibly inspirational. I absolutely love this picture of you and Noah. I love all of the pictures. Yours is an amzing journey. When speaking of a new baby, although absolutely no one can understand what you are feeling unless they have walked in your shoes, I, as I am sure you do, find peace in God. When it is your time, when God knows and believes your family is ready for another little one, it will be. You, and your family seem so loving, another child would be ever so blessed to have you guys as parents, and Em as a big sister, and Noah as a big brother. Noah, although he walks with our Lord in heaven now, will always be your son, Emily's younger brother, and if it is God's will, your next xhild's older brother. Noah will always be a part of your family, and a new baby would never change that.

    I can't tell me how much your blog has inspired me. Since the first time reading through it, not a day has gone by that I don't come on and see if a new blog is posted, look at the pictures, and even re-read old blogs. Due to how much your writing, and your family has had an impact to touch so many, I think it is such a GREAT idea for your family to put a book out there. Not to monopolize on it, but just so that so many others can be touched and inspired. Your writing would connect so many people to the Lord, help so many other people that are out there that have been what your family has been through, and those who are going through it right now. God performs mircales in so many ways, and I feel one of little Noah's purposes here on this earth was to inspire others to have a relationship with the Lord. God bless you all!!! Just pray, and let all of your worries and concerns be in the hands of the Lord, he always takes care of us, and never fails us.

    Love,
    Mary

    ReplyDelete
  28. Lisa Sauer12:38 PM

    Adrienne,

    First, I haven't had the chance to post how blessed I was to finally meet you in person when you were in S.D. for a short time. Those of us at Four Square were so blessed to hear both your and Jason's heart. Thank You!

    Secondly, I like others experienced the loss of two babies to miscarriage. The first before we even came to the saving knowledge of Christ 13 years ago, and the second one 4 years ago. I won't say that I didn't feel a sense of loss or pain ( because believe it or not, your blog has given me a better understanding to the why's) I too want to encourage you that if and when God decides to send another blessing to you. You'll know His perfect will and timing. You have always displayed that through this journey and others I'm sure. Let me add though, God showed us His redeeming love and gave us two beautiful daughters after taking our two little angels home to be with Him. Not once have I ever thought of them as a replacement, but a beautiful gift that I valued even more (if that's possible?!?!) Noah's legacy will never change, he'll never be replaced or forgotten, that I'm certain of, reguardless of what the future holds for your family.

    Lastly, I'm casting my vote on the latest picture to be the cover of your book. It is absolutely breath taking!! Can't wait for the release!!!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Anonymous1:33 PM

    Adrienne-
    You have given all of us so much. If there is anything we can do for you and your family please tell us. We could never give you as much as you given all of us, but there are many of us that would like to help somehow. Please tell us what we can do!!!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Anonymous1:34 PM

    Adrienne -
    Your picture is just beautiful.

    Thank you for sharing Noah's story with us. The first time I read it I went home that night and hugged my daughter a little tighter and let her stay up a little later so I could cuddle with her just a little longer.

    I find myself coming to your blog every day hoping to get one more glimps of Noah, Em, Jason & you. I find myself sitting at my desk after I read another post crying - Noah's story is so touching, your faith in God is just amazing and the love you have for each other is....I can't seem to put into words what I want to say, its just beautiful.

    I will continue to pray for your family.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I agree - the pictures are all just breath-taking.

    God gave you such peace about letting Noah go, I can't imagine that He would not give you that same peace about growing your family when the time/ circumstance is right.

    Still praying for you! And still reaping the personal spiritual rewards of you sharing your journey. Thank you Noah!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Mandy772:02 PM

    I don't mean to post too much here but I just wanted to point out Lisa's post and say that I too think the latest photo would be a perfect cover for your book.

    Love,
    Mandy77

    ReplyDelete
  33. being pregnant after a loss, I can totally understand those feelings... I am almost 20 weeks and have only recently had a day where I was excited... I don't consider this child a replacement, but it took me a while to realize the new pregnancy as a redemption, rather than a slap in the face... see the due dates are within days of each other, and we just found out this week that it's a girl...the same as we lost...

    I am choosing to believe in the redemption of this pregnancy, tho sometimes it is still a battle. My Mind has been my worst enemy thru this whole thing... processing and over processing... it has sent me into a funk more times than I care to admit.

    Emily is fine. There's no reason you couldn't have another healthy child. BUT, I understand the hesitancy in wanting to try... I wasn't sure I would ever be ready to have another one, and am only depending on God that He did the right thing in allowing this pregnancy.

    NOt sure if any of that helped at all...we're not in the "same" situation, and I in no way think I can speak to your pain or confusion. There's no fix for it, except to stay close to God, and we all know you are a pro at that.

    Thanks for showing your vulnerable side, too, Adrienne... I have to admit, your strength has shamed me on many occasions... Immediately after our loss I felt closer to God than I had ever in my life...and then I allowed the pain to overtake me. I am not sure I have recovered yet. But I know He is doing something. (sorry this is so long!!)

    ReplyDelete
  34. WOW!!! This picture has to be one of my fav's!!!! Of course they are all beautiful. I would agree with several of the other posts it would be a great cover!! I am anxiously awaiting the book, as many other of your faithful bloggers are. I will pray for your health situation. Em is such a sweet shining star herself and would make a great big sister, as you and Jason would make great parents again. Your family is so full of love, I understand your concern about wanting to find everything out about your health issues. I know God has a plan and will reveal it to you. Thank you for sharing yourself with us, I know I say that almost every time I post. But you have inspired me and I am glad you are my sister in Christ.
    God Bless,
    Kris

    ReplyDelete
  35. Anonymous7:32 PM

    i'm sure you are amazingly busy - but if you could fit in discipling a stay at home mom in indiana, i so want what you have.

    ebugler@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
  36. Adrienne~

    It truly has not been that long since Noah was officially crowned in peace. Please give yourself some time - you do not have to decided imminently to have another child.
    Know that you are on our hearts and in our prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Mrs Dalton9:31 PM

    How BEAUTIFUL it is... not the pictures (though they are lovely) but your soul. I have followed your story for some time now and felt drawn to send you my love more than ever today.

    I feel like God Himself led me here after my daughter was sick. Lindsey only spent a month in the hospital, but we are reminded of her disease and it's effects daily. She turned 5 months old a few days ago and is starting to slip behind developmentally. I find it all overwhelming at times and feel as though I am drowning.

    At the begining of all of this, I felt as though I was battling God to keep her. If it was a war of wills He wanted, He'd found a worthy opponent... while I never lost my faith, I couldn't help but feel betrayed by Him.

    The unfaltering love and trust that you have is inspiring. You've become a shining beacon that absorbs everyone who happens across Noah's story. Thank you for taking us along on his journey. It's been a wonderful reminder that we should all love, trust, and follow him blindly. And that, is a beautiful thing!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Ah, the big question.
    And you and He are the only ones with the answer.
    Just wanted to let you know that I'm still here.
    Your families faces are burned into my mind and they are the faces of Jesus.
    Thanks for being him to so many.

    Love,
    Angela
    ps - my ear still hurts, does yours?
    pss - I know a cute senior editor, should you need any help with your book :)

    ReplyDelete
  39. Anonymous11:51 PM

    i don't know your family, i'm just very good friends with friends of yours. but i want to say that i check the blog almost every day and have shared it with all my friends via email. as a result, the people i least expected to read are the very people who do. as a result the door for sharing the Lord has swung wide open. now if i just have the guts to walk through it, can you imagine what your story will do?!!! thanks, many, many thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  40. Anonymous8:14 AM

    Our God is a God who loves, loves, loves life. I pray that someday it may be possible for you to nurture another beautiful soul for the Lord. As a mother we are able to love our children very much as God loves all of his children--it is a gift and it is by grace alone that we may love as many as we receieve. What a testament to Noah and the Lord if you are able to bring forth new life out of such sorrow. God Bless You

    ReplyDelete
  41. I spent yesterday reading your blog and weeping! The grace the Lord has poured on you is astounding and I know it is He alone who has comforted and knitted your hearts so deeply with His own. I can tell you know our Father intimately and that He is working mightily in your lives! Know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers as you continue to glorify His holy name.

    Only Because of HIs Grace,
    Amy

    ReplyDelete
  42. Christy Angel Wings8:28 PM

    I am truly inspired with each entry you write. You are such a strong person, and a great woman and mom. I know Noah is smiling down on you from Heaven.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Anonymous10:25 AM

    Oh, I so hear your heart. You don't know me and likely never will ... but 9 years ago I laid my 10 week old son before the Lord and blessed him back into God's care. There's a lot I would love to tell you about what I went through between that time and the time I gave birth to my daughter ... and since. However, I'll just say to you that in God's time I realized that he had allowed MY heart to be broken so that he could expand it. What the Lord did with me through loving and losing Benjamin, could not have been accomplished any other way. The Lord really did use for good what the enemy meant for evil...what an encouragement to us. I love more and deeper today and while He only chose to bless me with one child to raise, he has expanded my heart for children (and for their Mommies)immeasureably. Today they are my ministry in prayer. I am praying for you. Bless you as you step through this fire ... Jesus is there with you ... and with me .... We will never, NEVER forget our little boys, nor should we ... but we will love ... truly, madly, deeply ... in His time. May you be "crowned in peace" as you wait.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Emily2:37 PM

    I feel compelled to comment on almost all of your blogs, but this one truly jumped out at me. My first daughter, Sarah, died suddenly and unexpectedly at 1 1/2 days. Years later after research, genetic counseling, grief counseling, and much prayer, we decided to conceive again. When we found out we were pregnant with a healthy baby BOY, I (shamefully) was relieved not only for the perfect health, but that he is a boy. Fast forward five years - we became pregnant and found out two days after Sarah's fifth birthday that we were to have a baby girl. The rest of my pregnancy I refused to believe God would actually bless me with a healthy baby girl. I was scared and shocked. I didn't prepare for her; no readied room, no sweet clothes (only her sister's hung in her closet), not even a full name. I had all the doubts and then some...But now, five and a half months later, I love Gracie with all my heart and soul. I know she is God's blessing in my life and I am at peace with my feelings. I still miss Sarah everyday and think of her probably that often. Much like you I have different visions of her, but I know Gracie is Gracie and I am so glad we decided to "try" again and again. Hopefully God will have it in his will to bless you again as he has us. We are praying for you, grieving with you, and listening to you.

    ReplyDelete