Tuesday, March 13, 2007


Psalm 13
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for He has been good to me.

Today I'm mad. I'm mad and I'm sad and I'm hopeful at the same time. It's frustrating the range of emotions and thoughts that soar through my heart and mind on any one given day. One of my best friend's that lives out of town asked me if I ever cry. I told her that I cry every day, some more than others and always for different reasons. Last night I was crying because I missed him so much and because staring at his pictures, I honestly cannot fathom how beautiful and perfect he was...Noah was the most handsome little man I have ever seen. This morning, I'm sad and mad at the same time...I'm mad that Noah ever got sick! I am frustrated that the doctors tried their best but it wasn't good enough to save my son! I'm ticked off that nobody listened to me at the hospital about his diarrhea initially and just stuck a feeding tube in him and offered him O2, then, 3 weeks later, there are dead mice at the CDC that had been injected with Noah's stool AND NOBODY KNOW WHY!!! I am angry that the very thought of getting pregnant again isn't blissful but filled with anxiety and the foreknowledge that it will have to be a big fat step of faith, and if this all happens again, I will still know that that child will be safe in the arms of Jesus...though I'll want it in mine. No, I'm not pregnant, but Jason and I don't want Em to be an only child. Yes, there are so many ways to "get" a child, all of which we pray about and are open to if God leads, but I won't lie and say that if we choose pregnancy again, I'm not going to wonder every day for 10 months if that kid has whatever the heck it was that Noah did...and then, every day after it's born...

I am grateful that no one had a diagnosis, I've said that before, because I don't like labels, and that would have named something that was not good which would have deterred us from having another child. It would have been pretty cut and dry. It would have been easier...But, that's the other frustration...it's not that straight forward. We have to have FAITH in order to get pregnant again. It can't be one of those things we as humans so flippantly say, "Oh yeah, we're going to have 2.5 kids and a dog." It's HARD to live by faith! Since Noah was 1 in 6 billion, there is not a test to do while I'm pregnant to tell me if kid #4 has what #3 did, and if there was, IT WOULDN'T MATTER because I wouldn't end the pregnancy! Jason and I have already talked that we would do it again, though if it all did happen again, we would walk into the hospital and call the shots!

Arrrrrghhhhhh! I'm feeling better already just spewing on the computer, but the reality is, I know I'm not ready today to get pregnant again because in my heart of hearts, I would want that baby to be Noah...I want to know him when he's 5, when he's the most handsome guy in college, when he's an adult. I'm not mad at God, though if I were, He could handle it...I guess I'm just mad because that will never happen and that's the emptiness I am breathing today...

59 comments:

  1. Anonymous7:37 AM

    I am praying God's peace for you today. You are loved and prayed for by many.

    Becky in VA.

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  2. Hello, I dont have a clue what to say to make you feel better,nor will I try. I too am having a horrible day. I just feel like crying. I know God sees the bigger picture, and has a plan for all of us. I just wish he would hand me a map! Your in my thoughts! Christal

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  3. Adrienne-
    I'm not going to say I know how you feel because I don't. As a mother, I have a glimpse of how you may feel and I just wish I could give you a huge hug and let you cry on my shoulder for however long you need to. I am just praying that God will heal your heart and when you are ready to have another baby I pray that God will just calm any anxiety you may have and that baby will be perfectly healthy. I think of you and your family and Noah often. We love you and are still praying for you all!

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  4. Anonymous8:07 AM

    i'm sooo sooo sorry

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  5. Adrienne,
    You have nooo idea how you are touching me. I am having a terrible day, struggling w/ so much bondage and then I read Psalms 13 and it all becomes so very clear. I love you sister, though we have never met you are such an amazing person and I will be praying today for your anxiety to fade....

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  6. Anonymous8:42 AM

    I am very sorry...

    Jesus...come now...give Jason and Adrienne peace...grant them wisdom to make neccesary decisions...hide them under your wings and bring them comfort. Amen.

    Great Psalm, may it be a lamp unto your feet and a banner over your head.

    Chrissy

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  7. I'm just a 'lurker' that stumbled on your page a couple of months ago --- and I wanted to let you know we think of you every day and we are praying for you today especially. - Randi -

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  8. Thanks for sharing with such honestly. thinking of you guys daily.
    Love,
    Terra

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  9. Adrienne - I think about you and your family everyday. I cannot begin to understand the feelings you feel everyday or the thoughts that run through you mind. As a mom, I can only "imagine" what you must go through on a daily basis without Noah. As I read your blog today, I would think that I would have the same questions if I were in your shoes. But I am obviously not in your shoes and nothing I say can take away your pain. I can only hope that time will help you heal, not that you will ever forget, but that it will somehow get easier for you. Thank you for sharing your heart once again along with the pictures. Noah is a little doll baby!

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  10. You write so well, and I love how real and how honest you are.

    I am SOOO sorry for you loss. I can't even imagine your heartache. Noah was SUCH a beautiful little guy, and you loved him SO well!

    I read this blog everyday. And I am keeping you and your family in my prayers!

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  11. heidi jo w9:30 AM

    you are loved.

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  12. Anonymous9:31 AM

    God please help Adrienne overcome her anxiety, she is such a wonderful person and has taught us all how to love you and have faith in you. Please give her peace today and everyday. I ask this in the name of Jesus, AMEN.

    Gracie
    Texas

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  13. We have never met, but I just want to say that I feel for you. I am praying for you.
    "May the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord show you His kindness. May He have mercy on you. May the Lord watch over you and give you peace!" (Numbers 6:24-26)

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  14. This is one of those times when someone who has not walked this road really has no words, only that I will pray for you and my heart hurts for you.
    I have been really desiring heaven more and more. There is so much evil and suffering in this world.
    Lord Jesus, please comfort Adrienne today as only You can. Speak to the deepest part of her heart. In your name I pray, Amen.

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  15. I have this Scripture taped on my kitchen cabinets. It has comforted me in some dark days. Hope you find comfort today in Him. I cpoied this from Biblegateway.com and typed in the Amplified Version, which I really like sometimes.
    Isaiah 54
    1 [a]SING, O barren one, you who did not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who did not travail with child! For the [spiritual] children of the desolate one will be more than the children of the married wife, says the Lord.(A)
    2Enlarge the place of your tent, and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out; spare not; lengthen your cords and strengthen your stakes,

    3For you will spread abroad to the right hand and to the left; and your offspring will possess the nations and make the desolate cities to be inhabited.

    4Fear not, for you shall not be ashamed; neither be confounded and depressed, for you shall not be put to shame. For you shall forget the shame of your youth, and you shall not [seriously] remember the reproach of your widowhood any more.

    5For your Maker is your Husband--the Lord of hosts is His name--and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; the God of the whole earth He is called.

    6For the Lord has called you like a woman forsaken, grieved in spirit, and heartsore--even a wife [wooed and won] in youth, when she is [later] refused and scorned, says your God.

    7For a brief moment I forsook you, but with great compassion and mercy I will gather you [to Me] again.

    8In a little burst of wrath I hid My face from you for a moment, but with age-enduring love and kindness I will have compassion and mercy on you, says the Lord, your Redeemer.

    9For this is like the days of Noah to Me; as I swore that the waters of Noah should no more go over the earth, so have I sworn that I will not be angry with you or rebuke you.

    10For though the mountains should depart and the hills be shaken or removed, yet My love and kindness shall not depart from you, nor shall My covenant of peace and completeness be removed, says the Lord, Who has compassion on you.

    11O you afflicted [city], storm-tossed and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in fair colors [in antimony to enhance their brilliance] and lay your foundations with sapphires.

    12And I will make your windows and pinnacles of [sparkling] agates or rubies, and your gates of [shining] carbuncles, and all your walls [of your enclosures] of precious stones.(B)

    13And all your [spiritual] children shall be disciples [taught by the Lord and obedient to His will], and great shall be the peace and undisturbed composure of your children.(C)

    14You shall establish yourself in righteousness (rightness, in conformity with God's will and order): you shall be far from even the thought of oppression or destruction, for you shall not fear, and from terror, for it shall not come near you.

    15Behold, they may gather together and stir up strife, but it is not from Me. Whoever stirs up strife against you shall fall and surrender to you.

    16Behold, I have created the smith who blows on the fire of coals and who produces a weapon for its purpose; and I have created the devastator to destroy.

    17But no weapon that is formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue that shall rise against you in judgment you shall show to be in the wrong. This [peace, righteousness, security, triumph over opposition] is the heritage of the servants of the Lord [those in whom the ideal Servant of the Lord is reproduced]; this is the righteousness or the vindication which they obtain from Me [this is that which I impart to them as their justification], says the Lord.



    Footnotes:

    Isaiah 54:1 Although this chapter is primarily intended to express Zion's joy over redemption, it has also a very personal, long-neglected, and often overlooked message for women--the lonely, the disappointed, the childless, the widow. It has all the glorious confidence and assurance, the incentive and understanding, for which feminine hearts have longed throughout the ages! Every woman who will read it every week for a year with receptive heart and mind will find herself not only spiritually prepared for her own childlessness or widowhood, should it come, but also supplied with rich treasure with which to address the similar needs of countless other aching hearts to whom the Holy Spirit is here speaking.

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  16. Anonymous9:50 AM

    Adrienne,

    I happened to see your site a week or so before Noah was reunited with God and since then I haven't missed a post. You and your family are an inspiration and a testament to the Lord's power. I cannot fathom the amount of pain that you experience each day and I pray that the Lord comfort you. Your strength amazes me and I hope that one day I can have that same faith and strength. Today your strength shines through because with all that you are experiencing your faith is unshaken and you come out of it all the better. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. Please know that Noah and your whole family have impacted life and even though, I have never met Noah, he will always hold a special place in my heart.

    Janelle Marcus
    Santa Clarita, CA

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  17. Nancy Peacock10:31 AM

    Adrienne,
    I wanted to share with you about a beautiful album called "You Shine" by Brian Doerksen (author of "Come, Now is the Time to Worship"). On that album is a hauntingly beautiful song titled 'Psalm 13 (How Long O Lord)'. It has ministered to me in its honesty and beauty through some very difficult disappointments and the death of my mother.
    Brian is a well known Canadian and his worship music is so powerful. He has 6 children and 3 of them have Fragile X Syndromoe, and I think this song was written from his own pain.
    I read your blog every day, and pray for your family each time I do. Your beautiful story has touched hearts in many places.
    Bless you,

    Nancy Peacock
    Edmonton, Alberta, CANADA

    p.s.
    Brian Doerksen's CD is put out by hosanna!music as part of the experienceworship series. You can also visit his website at www.briandoerksen.com or
    www.integritymusic.com

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  18. Anonymous10:32 AM

    Adrienne, I am so very sorry for you. My heart aches daily for you and Noah. I am praying hard for you today. I can only imagine as a mother how difficult this is for you. I am so sorry.

    Love,
    Paula and Family

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  19. Adrienne~
    I understand some of your ache, pain, anger and fears. I've lived many of those same emotions- only in different circumstances. After my daughter died, I never thought about having other kids...and I was in rough shape physically for months from our tragic incident, and so was my hubby. SO it was the LAST thing on our minds. Yet, God had other plans for us. I was at the lowest point in my life, physically and emotionally, spiritually (although God has never felt closer to me than ever before at that time) and mentally. We would have been stamped "DENIED" on any adoption application at that point in our lives. I wasn't feeling well and took a pregnancy test to convince myself it 'was all in my head'...and truly it wasn't. I was overwhelmed and amazed. It was the last thing I thought I needed in life...and yet God was sovereign through it all. I was shaking when I learned that my due date was the first annivesary of my daughter's death. I knew then and there, that GOD was in control. That He wasn't asking me to figure things out, or to know what to do next, or to feel the 'right way' or to even have the slightest understanding as to why or how or any of that. He was asking me to do one thing...and that was to TRUST Him. I can tell you, as one who is marking my daughter's 10th birthday this Saturday without her (this will be her 6th birthday in Heaven), that I still ache for her and cry for the dreams I will never see lived out in her life. I am blown away by her beauty and innocence everytime I look at her pictures. My heart will never 'get over' or 'forget' her. YET, in spite of all, I am learning that God's ways are higher...they don't always make sense. They aren't even fun most of the time...but there is deep peace and comfort in resting in Him and trusting fully. My favorite definition of faith says this-
    "Faith is believing in advance, what will only make sense in reverse."
    I cannot undo what has happened in your life. I can give you hope that God isn't through with you yet, and that if God brings another baby into your life, your arms WILL be filled with the uncertainty that there could be health concerns, and you will cry for a new baby, although not the same, will make your heart long for Noah all over again. But God can fill your heart with joy through a baby if that is His will, but through other ways, as long as you keep giving your grief and sorrow to Him.
    I am just beginning to understand how closely my grief and joy are tied to one another. I carry them side by side at times...and yet still trust that God has it all planned out this way. The pain and sorrow are very real...but moreso I am filled with God's mercy and peace. I know that you have a heart that seeks to know and understand God's ways. I know He will make them clear (maybe not in this lifetime, but He has promised to make all things new in Heaven), and you will be rewarded for your longsuffering for all eternity. My prayers are with you and Jason today, and each day. Especially as you seek what God would have you to do...and for the longing in your heart for another baby. Even though it may bring fear. There is possibility of much JOY. Sweetly~ Jody

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  20. Anonymous10:43 AM

    beautiful hymn that ministers to me a lot.

    http://cyberhymnal.org/htm/b/e/bestill.htm

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  21. Anonymous10:51 AM

    My friend, I am praying for you today. I pray for the Lord to grant you peace. I pray for Him to consume your emotions and just to be near to you. I think of you often and pray for you daily -

    You are loved!

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  22. Anonymous11:03 AM

    God is wonderful, and he will give you another child when he knows you are ready. I know the bible says we should not worry, that we should have trust in the Lord to take care of our worries and problems, but that is not always easy to do. But I know, and I certainly know that you know the lord won't steer you wrong.

    Mary Geeslin

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  23. Bless you Adrienne, bless your family. I hope you feel the prayers and positive energy being sent your way today and always, but especially in the times you are down and hurting. I cannot fathom the journey you have been on and continue to walk. It is so good you can vent on days you are feeling a bit more of the weight of grief as it is good you can also express yourself on lighter days - it lets us all know how to pray for you.

    We have never met, but your little family has become a source of inspiration for mine and you all are remembered in our daily prayers.

    You're right, Noah was such a handome little guy on earth and what a beautiful light he still shines...

    Lovingly,
    Val

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  24. Keep on breathing my friend. God can do the rest. Know that you are loved.

    Noah is beautiful, I would always catch my breathe in my throat when I looked at him, he was perfect before God.

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  25. Anonymous12:16 PM

    Just looking at that perfect picture of Noah and his sweet little open mouth put tears in my eyes. I can't imagine your sense of loss and anger and sadness at times. Just know I am still praying for you...more than you probably think.
    He is able,
    Sheri

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  26. Anonymous12:18 PM

    Praying, praying, and praying some more for you!!! Much love in Christ, Jodie R.

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  27. Mandy7712:24 PM

    Adrienne,

    Thank you for being so raw today. Thank you for posting the exact Psalm I needed today and Thank you for posting one of my favorite photos of Noah. Eyes and mouth wide open. Just like his life has made so many eyes wide open and mouths open wide in prayer.

    I pray for these things...

    I pray that answers will come shinning through for you. You and Jason deserve clarity for all of the fogginess you have had to walk through.

    I pray the Lord will carry your heart in his hands and ease all of the pain you are enduring right now this very moment! Immediately.

    I pray that in the future there will be a day where you are siting in front of your computer, reading these blog entries, remembering all that you went through on this very day with a happy, HEALTHY newborn in your arms.

    These are the things I pray for today.

    With Love,
    Mandy77

    P.S. Its OK to be angry, its OK to be fearful. We are only human beings.

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  28. Anonymous12:31 PM

    i pray for you and your families broken heart,and i cannot imagine the turmoil that fills your mind everyday about your son.Your perfect little boy knows you fought all the way for him, so imagine how proud he is of you and your husband. Nobody will be able to help you on the issues of getting pregnant again its just a big leap of faith as you said, but know that you have a worldwide community ready to log on and give u messages of faith and love when u need it x x

    suzanne U.K

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  29. Anonymous1:20 PM

    Thanks for being so real. I still find myself drawn to the blog to learn more of your heart and ways you trust God. Love and prayers always - Angie

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  30. Oh Adrienne, I am so sorry that you hurt so much. Thank you for your really nice note on my blog about a week ago. (I've been in NY visiting family for the past week - still there in fact, but thought I would check.) You have every right to be mad, God can take it, he made us, he knows how we will feel. Your little Noah was truly the most beautiful little bugger. I thought that the first time I saw your sight. When we let Lauren go to Heaven I said that she was "Too perfect to stay, too beautiful to keep." I suppose everyone feels that way about their babies, but when I saw Noah's pictures I instantly felt the same way about him. I stared at him as if I knew him - which is odd. But he was perfect, in every sense of the word. I'm glad you had what incredible (though so hard) time you did with him.
    I wish I could take some of the pain away from you. Honestly I do because I know how real and intensely suffocating it is. I would pray to literally by the minute, to "Please help me get through this minute Lord." He got me through each minute and somehow I kept going as you are too.
    Have faith for your next pregnancy. We were in a similiar circumstance - we didn't know what the next pregancy would bring. But Lauren's chances of having what she had were less than 1%, but our next baby 30%+ and any others after nearly 80%. We were told that we shouldn't have any more babies if our next one had what Lauren did. Grey was a miracle from God - given to us very shortly after Lauren was taken. I understand your feelings about another baby because you don't want just any other baby - you want your beautiful Noah back. That was really hard to come to grips with but somehow it works itself out when you get pregnant again... Though please don't expect any more pregnancies to be blissful, nor even new born babies. Everything is changed forever, bitter sweet, no longer innocent. But Noah has wizened you and given you so much in his short life. Changed you beyond what you ever dreamed possible. I know these words are nothing new to you - I know you'd go back and do it again in a heartbeat. I would seriously beg God to take my arm, my leg, one of each, but please give me my baby back. And as much as it hurt - beyond anyone's imagination, I would go through it again in a second just to hold that beautiful perfect baby, to kiss her, just one more time...
    Adrienne, I am praying for you so hard and thinking of you. There is nothing else I can say (or anyone for that matter) to help your grief and anguish at all. Just know that you are so loved (even by all these people who don't even know you!!) and by all your wonderful family and friends and by your perfect little angel watching you from Heaven. Mary

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  31. Adrienne~
    I am emailing you privatly. I hope it helps! Christal Miles

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  32. Oh Adrienne
    I do understand this pain. I have walked a path very similar losing my baby and when I read your blog today everything that you said I could have written because my heart felt the same way. Life can be so very hard at times. We know that God is good.....but sometimes we cannot imagine how we don't don't get our hearts desires when
    God says He will give us the desires of our hearts. My heart
    is with you today Adrienne..as it has been on most days. My prayers are with you too. You are such
    a beautiful Christian with such a love for Jesus and Noah touched so many hearts & souls...he still does. I can only believe with all my heart that God has a huge blessing waiting for your family.
    Noah has done so much and blessed
    so many...but without a mommy like you his story and his journey
    might not have been told. You are a gift Adrienne and Noah is a blessing. ANYTIME I hear the name Noah...it is your son that comes to mind and I say a prayer for your family. Thank you for sharing your sweet son with us.
    Thank you for sharing your heart.
    Thank you for sharing your faith
    and thank you for speaking your heart on days of glory and days
    of finding it hard to take a deep breath.
    We love you Adrieen and we are here...holding you up in prayer.
    Love
    Lynda Bishop
    bishopswife@comcast.net

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  33. at home we have cards with names of friends, family and missionaries that we pray for during dinner time and we are committed to praying for your family throught this year as our Abba Father has put this desire in our hearts. As all these people love you and encourage you, see it as coming straight from our Father, who loves you deeply and sees and knows your pain. Rest in Him today! Look at His Creation and see the powerful and mighty God that He is!!!! This, hopefully, will comfort you and remind you of His awesomeness. Blessings dear loved one!

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  34. Jenny3:42 PM

    With a big heart like yours.....have you considered adoption? Our son adopted from Korea has been our biggest gift...he's amazing. No, he did not replace his big brother who died in my last week of pregnancy.....he has brought us more joy then anyone could ever imagine. We chose another path......and so glad we did. We're currently getting ready to adopt again.............((hugs)) to you today

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  35. Oh Adrienne! You have, in this one post, gone thru the gammet of emotions that I have felt over and over in the last year!! Seeing you go thru them makes me feel thatmuch more "normal" for all those days that I felt 6 things at one time!! Laura H and I have been amazed at how much we have been thru the same things, feelign the same things, and now being pregnant and due at the same time! Kevin and I just gave the whole "new pregnancy" thing to God, and didn't want it to be our doing (ahem *SMILE*). And of course, now I am pregnant and due with another little girl at the same time that our other little girl would/should have been born a year earlier. And that has rocked my little world! I am just now able to get excited about holding this little one for herself and not her being or not being Morgen. NOT to say that every day is wonderful again, by any means. But for you it's been less than two months! You are welcome to grieve in any way, and every way, for as long as you want! And for those of us that have lost children, it never really ends... it just changes a little. After "celebrating" Morgen's "birth"day last weekend, I feel a new life in me other than the obvious one growing inside me.

    I have taken enough of your time, but I wanted to say how normal and still how faithful you are... as I have said many times in the last year, our grief and tears do NOT negate our faith or trust in God's plan. And as for a family picture, I don't have one of all of us, since my two older kids never "met" Morgen, but I will send one of Kevin and I with her, and one of the other four of us... as soon as I can! We would love to have ppl like you praying for our family! Like I pray for yours

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  36. Anonymous4:47 PM

    Anger is totally a part of all of it & God is awesome enough to handle all of that, especially since He went through it too... with His son & with your's.
    David is the perfect guy to read about. He had lots of days where he cried out to God too.
    You're so faithful & God is proud of You. He'll give you guys exactly what you need when you cross all these bridges. But you already know that.
    Thanks for blessing us today,
    Amy

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  37. Anonymous5:00 PM

    i'm just wondering did you two have an autopsy done on noah? I would have one done just so other babies wouldn't have to go through what noah did.

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  38. Adrienne,

    I am so, so sorry that you are missing your perfect, handsome little guy so much. I am so sorry you must wrestle with these huge, weighty issues. I'm so sorry.

    Lots of love,

    Jennifer

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  39. A friend sent me your blog today. I could hardly read it because my Noah went to be with the Lord Aug 2004 and my arms still long to hold him. My Noah was 6 1/2 months. We have now been blessed with Clara Hope who was born the same month as your Noah. And I totally understand the anxiety of being pregnant again and/or having a sick child again. I can't even tell you how many times I had to quote Phil. 4:6 during my pregnancy. I will be praying for you!!

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  40. Mandy778:18 PM

    To anonymous who posted above re: an autopsy:

    This is kind of a harsh question to ask especially Adrienne is having such a difficult day. If you read her blog this was already mentioned as well. Please read before asking such hard things.

    And personally I think they took enough from Noah in all of those months that he was on earth that what more could they have taken from him? What more could they have learned?

    As has been said when Noah was laid before the lord...

    Nothing Missing Nothing Broken.

    My apologies to you Adrienne if I am stepping over the line but I really wish people with think a little more with their hearts before they start asking questions. Or at least read your blog before hand.

    Again I am sorry if I am stepping over the line.

    Love
    Mandy77
    mandydyer55@hotmail.com

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  41. Sending hugs xxxx

    Shannon
    Ontario, Canada

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  42. Adrienne,
    There are no words for your loss. There are also no words for how much you and Noah have impacted my life.
    I am so sorry for the emptiness that you are breathing. You and your family are always in my prayers. May God's peace reign in you tonight.

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  43. Alyson9:51 PM

    I am so sorry you are going through a tough time right now. You are in my prayers.

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  44. Hi Adrienne,

    Thank you for 'sharing' your anger! I wish I could do / say something to make you feel better. I can't so I won't even try, except to say that anger is one of the emotions that has to come out eventually!!

    You are in my thoughts and my prayers!

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  45. Anonymous6:39 AM

    I'm truly sorry for your pain, you will be in my thoughts and prayers today.

    A Mom who knows

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  46. There is nothing I can write that hasn't already been said. Be angry, be happy, be sad, be every emotion known to man and God. We are human. He will lead you down the path of motherhood again, whether it's natural, adoption, or even becoming a foster family (what a lucky child that would be).
    Sending hugs thousands of miles away from Delaware to you!

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  47. God spoke to me tonight when I was really needing to hear from HIM. I felt like I was to share this little part from "God Calling" for March 14, titled 'God's Touch' with you as well. So here it is:

    You do not know all that this time of converse with Me will mean to you. Did not My servant Isaiah say, "They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk, and not faint."

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  48. Anonymous9:04 AM

    Adrienne,
    I am again stunned by your eloquence with words! Even in your anger, you express yourself with all glory given to Him! May we all continue to learn from you and your grace!
    Gretchen

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  49. Melody in MN1:53 PM

    Dear Adrienne, Jason & Em,

    We continue to keep you in our prayers here in MN. I'm sorry that you are going through all this right now. I just want you to know we care and we're praying. May God give you His peace in a very real way. Your Noah is beautiful...thank you for sharing him with us.

    Lord, please cover Adrienne, Jason & Emily with your love and peace...cover their home with grace and protect them. May they know your hope and your truth as YOU reveal it to them.

    Love,
    Melody & family

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  50. Thanks so much for your openness, Adrienne. Even though it helped you to write, as you mentioned, it was so good for us as well. Praying for you daily, Deb

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  51. Anonymous6:43 PM

    That was a good verse to share.
    Somtimes I am mad and sad at the same time. Today in our class we shared a verse and it is Isaih 40:31 and one of our favorite verses in our class is Psamls 106:1. It says "Praise the Lord give thanks to the Lord for he is good his Love endures forever."
    God is with you everyday~!!

    Today there is no sadness :( but there is :) love

    From : Sean
    4th grade class in Korea

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  52. Anonymous6:46 PM

    Dear Noah's mom,
    Our class is still praying for "THE GRAVES FAMILY"

    Once, I dreamt Noah and I was flying and I saw this light that I couldn't see was like a sun and i was trying to see but i couldn't, but i saw a little baby in the cloud. I thought it might be someone like another AMERICAN boy but I just thought that it was Noah. After I was out of the dream..I thought I met Noah..Then I prayed to God "God, thank you for letting me see Noah."


    God is with Noah and with you and your family!


    Love,
    Jenny Jeon in South,Korea Centennial,Christion,School

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  53. Thank you for sharing and being real in the process. Praying for you and your family.

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  54. Adrienne,
    I read your post yesterday and my heart aches for you. Noah, you, and your family are always in my thoughts. Thank you so much for being so open. Your words have challenged me and encouraged me in my relationship with God since January. I will be praying for God's peace, comfort and love to surround you.
    I am not very eloquent with words. But this past weekend I went running on a beautiful day, I had downloaded some of 'Noah's' songs on my ipod. AS I was running and listening I looked to heavens and had the biggest smile on my face knowing that he is there just running around having so much fun and praising our Father. I look forward to meeting him in heaven.
    I know it must be so hard to be here without him. Again-I will be praying for you all.

    Laura
    Texas

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  55. Adrienne, A dear friend sent me a link to your blog today, and I just wanted to tell you how much I fell in love with your family, reading for untold hours (all I know is that it's 3:35am, right now). Anyway, I really believe that God knits the hearts of His people together. I just wanted you to know that you will be on my 'long-term' prayer list. Erika

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  56. Sweet Adrienne~

    You are in our thoughts and prayers!

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  57. Adrienne,

    Thank you again for being so brave and so real and for not "blowing sunshine" at us. We all feel your pain in our own ways, and I hope it can be a comfort to know that you are being held in the hearts of many. While most of us can not begin to fathom the hurt and the loss that you feel, we hope that we can help you to heal, and to remember, and to celebrate, and to grieve, and to cope, and to love. Thank you again for sharing all of this with us. Your words are so powerful to so many. Bless you.

    -Kelly in Delaware

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  58. Ade,
    Thinking of you.
    Loving you.
    Tonja

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  59. Anonymous8:52 PM

    adrienne you are such a beautiful person, what a beautiful family. I came accross this site just wandering through information as my only sister lost her first child three weeks ago , a beautiful boy Colton 12 days before her due date due to accidental cord injury. I never new that a love could be so strong. Now i know. Looking at your pictures and reading your writings brings more tears from a stranger than you can ever guess. How proud i am of you and your family, no we have never met but there is a part of me that feels like we have. I thank Colton, and now Noah. As i tell my sister i am so grateful for what my nephew has given me and going through your website what Noah has given me. You see I have six boys of my own. A beautiful family. I have changed so in such a short time and it is all for the better. I cherish every moment knowing that in the blink of an eye our worlds can change.Thank you again and you are in my thoughts and prayers please know this. Your strength and courage is remarkable and your son had the best parents he could ever have imagined. You gave him a lifetime of love... Stay strong, God bless

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