Wednesday, March 28, 2007

This picture was taken July 24, 2006, at 7pm. It was the last picture taken of Noah prior to entering the hospital on August 2nd.

Yesterday and today have been hard for me. Jason's out of town on business so I am single parenting. Em's got a cold, but somehow still has enough energy to run circles around me. We've had a good week together, but I'll be happy when Jason gets home. Today we went and got our toes painted. This isn't the usual for us, but I'm running out of things to do in order to procrastinate working on my real 'to do' list. So, we went to the place where I had my feet done the day before January 12th. The ladies all remembered me. I brought in a little brag book that one of Noah's PICU nurses sent us recently. It's 2.5"x2.5" and has some pictures from the blog in it, including the 'feet' picture. I showed the lady the 'feet' picture and thanked her, again, for helping that memory happen for us. She proceeded to speak Vietnamese to everyone working in the store and they all lovingly said, "So sorry".

After our toe trip, we headed home to do some more organizing in the basement. I like to sew and tackle random projects, usually stuff I make up as I go, so over the years I have accumulated 6 bins of "Oh, I could make something out of this!" or "Sure, I'll use these scraps of material one day." Anyway, needless to say, my husband will be pleasantly surprised when he sees just how much purging I did in the basement. The reality is, I know I'm not going to do those projects. Even the ones I thought would be so great at the time...I just don't feel like it anymore and it isn't as important as it was then. I feel very free just admitting that I'm not going to start or complete projects that have been hovering over my head for so long.

While I was sorting through one bin, I did come across the remnants of the materials I used for Noah's room. At the same time, my friend called and I just lost it. Em said, "Mom, don't cry! Your face is all black!" I said, "Em, I don't like waterproof mascara, so this is a look you'll need to get used to..." I told my friend it felt like a waste that I had made Noah's bedding. I remember cramming, sewing it all within the last week before he was born. Even though he only slept in his cute room for 7 1/2 weeks, I'm glad that I got it all done before we brought him home. I know it wasn't a waste because his room was perfect just for him and any time I see chocolate polka dots with cool blue and lime, I will forever think of Noah .

Anyway, today I've been asking God to pinch me because this life cannot truly be my reality...I never even had the time to picture Em and Noah as grown ups burying me and Jason as old wrinkly people...why did I assume that my life here on earth would go on relatively unscathed? On July 24th, the thought never crossed my mind that one day Noah would not be in our lives. It didn't cross my mind on August 2nd...he's still in our lives, but he's not in our arms and that is the daily ache that ebbs and flows. Today the tide was a little high...

32 comments:

  1. elizabeth, CO9:40 PM

    Dear Adrienne~ I came across your site one day while looking at a carseat video. Your blog is amazing and your children are more than Beautiful! I can't imagine the feelings and pain you are induring. Please know that I am praying for you and your family.

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  2. Ade
    Your always write so beautifully, i have tears from the pain that i feel for you and Jason's loss. I know someday's are good and your ok with it and others it just isn't fair no matter how you look at it. I think and pray for you guys often. wishing i could be there to help you get those things you don't want to do done.
    Love you LOTS,
    Terra

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  3. Anonymous10:20 PM

    Adrienne

    I am so sorry. I am crying right now reading this because my heart
    is so broken for you. I remember
    this is my own life....with my own baby son. The pain at times just
    comes deep from the soul and just
    can take the breath right out of you. Adrienne.....I am so sorry.
    I wish with all my heart that
    Noah was in your arms right now.
    Looking up at you as your rocked him. I used to sit in the rocker in my David's room and rock and cry for hours and just wail...from my soul or literally cry out to God over and over. I would do it till I almost melted numb in the chair. I missed him so....and when my heart and mind really wrap around it....it just hits my right in the gut and takes the breath right out of me. Adrienne....
    I'm so sorry, so sorry, so sorry.
    With all my heart..I am so deeply sorry. Oh Noah Steven...you are so loved.... you could not have a better mommy.
    Bless you Adrienne
    love from my heart to yours
    I am so sorry.
    Love,
    Lynda Bishop
    bishopswife@comcast.net

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  4. Anonymous10:21 PM

    Please know that your pain is felt by so many.

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  5. Anonymous2:13 AM

    Adrienne,
    I wish I could help to bear some of your burden. I hurt for you and with you, and will continue to life you up to our precious Lord Jesus. And while He might just be holding Noah right now, I know He can also hold you in His arms. Our gentle and loving Shepherd... I pray that He will give you comfort today.
    In His grace,
    Jodie

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  6. Anonymous5:40 AM

    I am not just saying this...Noah is a beautiful baby! Wow! He could be on the cover of a magazine, that's how adorable he is. You know how some babies just aren't cute till their a little older??, not Noah. He was really, really stunning....breathtaking, really.

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  7. Anonymous6:44 AM

    Praying that today God will give you a peace that could only come from Him.

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  8. Anonymous6:46 AM

    I am so sorry for your loss. I am especially praying for you, for strength, comfort and support. Your son is beautiful and perfect! May God wipe away your tears.

    Karlene

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  9. We are praying for God's comfort and peace for you today and every day. I wish your pain was not your reality - but I'm not God so I'll just trust that He knows what's best for you. I'm sure He has a plan for you (Jer 29:11). and I know He understands that we don't understand.

    He is the only one that can truly understand your pain since He also has given up a son. He had to give his son up from glory to a very cruel earth but you were able to give him up from earth up to glory.

    Prayers for comfort and that you will feel God's arms around you today,
    - R -

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  10. Just reading your words steals my breath away. The pain is so apparent.. I am so sorry Adrienne today I will pray for strength and the courage for you to face the things that are.. May peace steal your heart..

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  11. Adrienne, praying for you. I am so sorry, run to your Daddy and cry on His shoulders. He is the only source of true comfort.

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  12. Adrienne-
    I don't know what to say except that we are praying for peace and comfort for you but at the same time you have every right to feel the way you do. You are only human and to not feel the way you do would not be natural. Scream, cry, beat on a pillow, whatever helps ease the pain. Sorry, I don't have a lot of spiritual stuff for you today just human stuff! I am here if you need someone to talk to.

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  13. I'm so sorry, Adrienne. I am praying for you today. Thank you for your honesty.

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  14. I'm praying for you right now.

    Lord, please comfort Adrienne and help her through this day. I ask that you would wrap your arms around her and fill her with the peace that comes from you alone.

    I'd like to leave you with a promise from God's word:
    Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

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  15. Alyson9:54 AM

    I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry. I can't imagine the pain you feel. You are in my thoughts & prayers today.

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  16. Anonymous9:55 AM

    My heart grieves with yours... especially today.

    I wanted to share one of my favorite passages from the word...

    The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

    I pray that the tide will turn and comfort will soon follow.

    Chrissy

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  17. Anonymous10:08 AM

    Definately sending prayer and love your way.
    -Annalisa

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  18. Anonymous10:37 AM

    Hey there Adrienne...once again, I came looking for a new blog and got it. And, as always, your blogs always help me put my own life into perspective. Yesterday was a hard day for me with Parker. It was just so trying. He's definitely in the 2 year old stage. I was just so frustrated I wanted to scream and rip my hair out. I said to my friend yesterday, "he is driving me crazy and I know I shouldn't feel this way". She proceeded to tell me that it is completely normal to feel this way, and all parents have that feeling every now and again. Then, before going to bed, I peeked in on him as I always do, and I am reminded of how precious he is. Your blogs always help me to remember Parker, my son, is a gift from God, and even in those trying moments, his life is truly miraculous. I thank you so much for that. Your words have truly helped me strengthen my relationship with my son, as well as with the Lord. Thank you so much!!!

    Love,
    Mary Geeslin

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  19. I am also in the middle of cleaning out my basement in hopes of soon having our house on the market. You came to mind as I was in the midst of all those unfinished projects....I prayed for you again and your family. I'm so sorry Adrienne, words don't do justice, but just know that God is faithful and I really believe the Holy Spirit put you on my heart because He knows exactly what we all need and His timing is perfect. All we can do is cling to Him.
    From a sister in Wisconsin,
    Sheri
    sheria@new.rr.com

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  20. Adrienne - I check your site daily - I have you on my list of blogs I visit. Dear sweet Adrienne. You are mourning. And our Almighty God is holding you close to Him. You have been so strong for so long. Now is *your time* to mourn. The Lord bless you and keep you.

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  21. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  22. now every time i see chocolate polka dots with cool blue and lime, i too will think of precious noah and say a prayer for you.

    peace to you.

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  23. Anonymous11:33 AM

    I too check your blog daily and am so sorry for the hurt your feeling...I can even imagine it...but am hopeful that the many prayers that are uttered to the greatest comforter of all, is helping you, especially on those tough days!

    SS

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  24. Sometimes, as I watch my 2-year old boy sleeping, I see Noah's face, and it makes me shed a tear or two, and it also makes me appreciate what I have.

    Cry all the tears, waste all the mascara, and remember. How it felt to hold him, how he smelled, and how much you love him. And when you have cried all you can cry, (for the moment) look Up and know he is waiting for you.

    I know you know that this life is SO temporal, that we won't be without our precious babies forever. And that, is beautiful. It keeps me going on a daily basis.

    You have my prayers, Adrienne!

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  25. Adrienne,
    I also made all my sons bedding - and feel that every stitch is a kiss, and every fabric piece a hug, and that he sleeps wrapped in my love every night. I love to give my handmade quilts as a gift - as those hugs and kisses go right along with it.

    From the start of his life, to the start of his new life beyond, Noah was wrapped in your love. And he always will be!

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  26. I am so sorry. I don't know what it's like to live with grief as you have, I also don't know what it's like to yearn for heaven in such a tangible way. But, because of Noah, because he is there, it's made it more real even for me, "just a friend" I'm grateful for that. But I am so, so , sorry that such a sweet, lovely family has to deal with heart wrenching grief. I don't get it.

    love you.

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  27. Mandy773:03 PM

    Adrienne,

    I can not imagine what you are going through right now and to be honest I pray to God that I never ever do. The heartache and pain must be tremendous. Its amazing that you are strong enough to cry because I don't know if I could even breathe.

    You are amazing, you will make it through and there WILL be easier days ahead. For this I pray.

    Love & Gentle Hugs,
    Mandy77

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  28. I think you wont be offened if I say that I know exactly what you're feeling because I've been there myself. It's been six months since we lost our sweet Emma Kate, but there are definitely still those moments that come out of nowhere when I think, "This can't possibly be my life!"
    Also wanted to comment on your feet picture. I loved it so much that I saved it on my computer when you first posted it. I think every family should take the time to take a picture like that, not just in situations such as ours. Anyway, hang in there and if you do ever end up with a book, the feet picture gets my vote for the cover!
    (((Hugs)))
    Julie Bigge
    www.emmakatespage.blogspot.com

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  29. Jenny7:03 PM

    The saddness and anger that you feel are so natural and normal. I took my anger over losing my son out on way too many pillows......channeled my emotions into writing.......and did some shopping therapy as needed. I avoided mascara for a time......because the tears would flow at any time with any reminder......then suddenly the flowers came out, we signed up with an adoption attorney and began our search for our son.....

    ((hugs)) for getting through this wave of pain.......

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  30. Ade, once again your blog has hit me square in the face. Two things...
    The one about letting projects go that you aren't going do -- that really spoke to me. I have a long "to do" list that has become unmanageable. I need to look at it and decide what needs to come off. It all seems so "worthwhile", but it's robbing me of LIFE having this stuff I intermittently try to do (and don't do any of it completely).
    Then, when talking about this life being your reality...man, I am there with you. We have a painful saga still unfolding with our oldest son, and then yesterday I was slammed against the wall (figuratively of course) with a situation at work. On one hand, God made it abundantly clear that He wants me to leave that place...which he has done before, but that's one of the unfinished goals I've been talking about but not working on; but on the other hand, I don't have a clue what direction to go. I keep praying for God to show the path, and the door He wants me to go through.
    Thanks, as always, for being "real" and pointing us to God's reality as well.
    Blessings to you, Jason & Em.

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  31. Adrienne:

    I have been following your blog for a while and I am greatly sorry for your loss. You and your family are an amazing inspiration. I also wanted to let you know that I have been very apart from our Lord for a very long time. My children do not know much of him as it has not been a topic in our home. Because of your recent blog I will be purchasing a new Bible and one for him with a whole pack of higlighters =). I figured we will learn together. Thank you so much and you would be amazed to know how many lives you and your family have touched and made a difference in.

    Becky

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  32. Ade,

    Thinking about you every day and even more on the harder days. My heart aches still all the time for Noah. I like so many others felt really close to him. I am so often brought to tears wanting him back. I wonder often why this is our reality. Someday we will all get our victorious crown, not just because we sat still but because we earned it. You guys are constantly in my thoughts and prayers! I love you guys!
    Tonja

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