More "Lessons from Spain"

I tell you what…if finding out I was pregnant after a trip to Spain was a way to learn things such as, the sky is the limit, throw caution to the wind, live life to the fullest, OR, say, the opposite, like, be careful, look both ways when crossing the street, always bring an umbrella, well, then the last week has been good for me, in a hellish sort of way.

The age I would be at time of delivery. (Graffiti in Barcelona)

And by “good for me” I mean, “Holy Ship My Pants, Batman!”  Please know, I don’t mean this disrespectfully.  I know, KNOW, know many women who have longed to be mama’s in their life time’s…some never experiencing it, others having only gotten to treasure it for a short time, some never getting to hear their sweet babies cry, or meeting their child face to face.  I, too, have had 2 miscarriages and lost a yummy sweet boy sooner than I ever imagined possible.  I am not discounting these longings, whatsoever.

Translation:  Do not let your dog ship its pants here in this public space.

But I won’t lie when I tell you that for the last few days I have had irregular breathing patterns thinking about the “what if’s” if I were, indeed, pregnant.  And I won’t lie.  Those days were dark in my head and heart. 

Last night as I fell into bed I told my husband I didn’t even need to lower myself down, I simply collapsed under my own body weight.  Still not having shed all my “Viva Espana” weight, then getting PMS like nobody’s business (I NEVER have it, NEVER, no cramps, no tenderness, nada), I was sure we were in for a surprise, and not like, “Ooooh, awesome!”, but more like, “Holy Ship My Pants-ness, Ryan’s going to be a big brother?! #$%^&*.”

I named off two friends I’d consider giving our baby to, since they are looking to adopt.  My heart was heaving and not thrilled at the thought…at all. 

What can I say?  Yes, I celebrate and love children, but these are the real thoughts that went through my head and heart.  I’m sure you’ve never thought this.  Clearly, I suck more than you.

Before I drifted off, however, I told Jason, “If it’s a girl, I’m naming her Georgie.”

This morning I looked at my calendar, counted days, tried to remember what I was thinking or if I had been thinking and, HOLY SHIP MY PANTS, were we even thinking?  I rolled out of bed, pulled up my bootstraps, and actually smiled at the new found peace that had settled into my heart over night. 

“Georgie…totally.  We’ll name her Georgie, and maybe her middle name will be Madrid or Barcelona.” 

I headed into what is usually one of my favorite days of the week:  LAAAAAAA!  Thursday.  My day.  A day where Ryan hangs with our fabulous babysitter and I head to the library, word-nerd heaven, where I sit amongst books and thoughts and dreams to read and write and enjoy the quiet.

First stop, the coffee shop for something with almond milk, “to-go”.  Second stop before setting up my portable office at the library:  the ladies room.

(The following is a text conversation)

A:  “You’re lucky…”

J:  “That made me laugh.”

A:  “I’m glad my bleeding uterus is funny to you. I almost shipped my pants with worry!”

A:  “But, the name Georgie for a little girl IS fabulous!”

A:  “Maybe it’ll be my pen name…hmmm, yes!”

J:  “Your pen name should be Georgie or Bleeding Uterus?”

A:  “Probably Bleeding Uterus.  It’s raw, catchy, authentic…”

I’m not sure I’ll use “Georgie” or “Bleeding Uterus” or something else entirely as a pen name, but I do know this:  I will always write vulnerably and with authenticity, because this particular lesson from Spain is:  life doesn’t always turn out as we plan, but I already know from experience, it can be more beautiful than we ever imagined.

*And, a couple bonus “Lessons from Spain:” menses symptoms are greatly affected by how clean one eats.  It was a reminder, and a heck of a way to re-learn this, but my body tells me things and I need to listen.  Moderation.  And, make that appointment...

Foods that contribute to monthly bloating, mood swings, and cramps: amazing churros from Barcelona

A picture my husband said I'd never post since it's not flattering...I don't know what's not flattering about eating an entire crab by yourself, soaked in butter, but arrrrrr, I love crab!  Living it up, eating without regrets/symptoms in Espana.

Laguardia, Espana, aka, Wine Country, being kissed by my prince on top of a castle...*alcohol, another contributor to monthly swings.

More on the food tour: constipation and bloating,  I mean ice cream and molten chocolate cake with some sort of awesomeness on the side... 

Reminder, Adrienne:  you feel healthy when you eat healthily

So, no.  There is no Georgie Madrid Graves on the way.  The only baby we brought home from Spain is this Spanish Mater.  #vivaespana

SAHM Ships Her Pants in the Big City

Yesterday I woke up sure I was dying of colon cancer.

I actually had all the signs according to the NIH.
 
The last month has proved to be a loose operation around here...and by "around here" specifically I mean me, my toilet, and I.  Almost a month ago I decided to do a Daniel Fast to pray about some specific things in my life and a lot of people in my life, and also to clean up my body a bit.  God put certain people on my heart and my times of study were really rich.  It's always easier for me to fast while Jason is out of town and since he was headed to India for a week and a half I chose that time frame.  In true anal (huh) fashion, I typed up a schedule of my Daniel Fast, what foods were allowed, pretty much just veggies, and also wanted to be smart and take certain supplements to be sure I was cleaning out impurities as they released over the course of the week and a half.  All I know is, after a few days and some research and re-calculating, I "discovered" (since the evidence wasn't enough?) that I was ingesting enough fiber for me and my family of 4...and probably your family of 4, as well.

photo courtesy of 4unews.com

Those are times I'm grateful my husband is out of town...I kid you not, I could barely breathe in bed every night.  And I'm not talking about sinus congestion.

Jason got home from India bringing some sort of foreign guest along in his colon.  Poor guy was way more worse off than I was, speaking of "loose operations" and all.  He finally got some meds and he was back in regular business after a couple of days.

Anyway, with him home, once he was able to eat again, I re-introduced fish and a little more lean protein to my "fast".  And, since he got home prior to the weekend and we had a birthday party and I had been solo with the kids for 10 1/2 straight days and I'd eaten clean all that time and lifted, did Yoga, and hit the treadmill each day, I had a glass of wine on date night.  And some popcorn.  And split a gluten free dessert after dinner, but I was writing a "Trip Advisor" review, so that was important because, of course, no one cares and I'm not getting paid for it...but I was going to go back to clean the next morning.

And I got back to pretty clean/balanced eating but none of my "deposits" had gone back to "normal."  In fact, at night my liver was hurting so I'd wake up and flip onto my left side to get back to sleep.  This, of course, put Jason in a trapped state, but since he sleeps through most things, I mean, what can you do? 

And then there are a few details I'll leave out...

Finally I decided to back off my protein powder supplement laden with fiber, as well as my other fibrous supplements, and just let the regular fiber in my veggies do the trick to get me back to a regular pooping kind of girl...not to mention, I was headed to New York City for the upcoming weekend and didn't want to become familiar, like some old person, with all the restrooms in the City.

This plan worked well.  Over the course of the weekend, walking miles and miles, hanging out with friends, hitting gluten-free foodie restaurants and strolling the tulip lined streets all over the City, I realized my bowels and I were, again, at one with the Universe.  Except for on Sunday evening when I looked and felt 7 months pregnant, without exaggeration, and could not for the life of me figure out what the culprit was because even though I had indulged a little in the City, I still didn't eat my allergens.  I went to bed that night, sleeping on my left side, holding my baby belly, hoping all would be well in the morning.

The next morning was our day to leave.  We hit a local diner for breakfast and shared blueberries and an omelet.  I don't eat eggs.  I haven't had eggs in probably a year and a half because my blood work shows it to be my most extreme allergen.  But I thought, "Eh, it won't be that big of a deal...it's cleaner than me eating something like a straight up donut or piece of cheesecake or something..."

We got to the airport, seated on the plane, I fell fast asleep after take off with one of those horrifying open-mouthed plane deep sleeps we've all experienced.  All was well with my little world.  About a half an hour prior to landing I woke up because I was 7 months pregnant again.  My baby was raging mad...kicking...wanting out.

I wasn't quite ready to "deliver" on the plane.

We de-planed and headed to the ladies room, but I guess it was just premature labor.

After a 45 minute drive home, I walked in the door and, let's just say, it wasn't pretty...at all...for four days straight.  The first night, in what is shy only a month of 20 years, Jason had to hit the couch for the first time because I was in and out of bed every 4 minutes.  "Hi, I'm home!  I'm sure you are so happy to have me home from NYC, huh?!"

Anyway, thankfully my sister was here during this time and was so very helpful with the kiddos while Jason was at work and I was "in my office."  He said, "I bet you got food poisoning or something."  I kept thinking, "I split meals with my friends and none of them are sick so it must just be some hidden allergen." 

When things slowed a bit I started doing a little research about bowels and guts.  I researched the Mayo's site, several natural health and infectious disease sites, read a few books on Crohn's and colitis and inflammatory bowel disease.  I researched the causes, the symptoms, the underlying factors.

Jason said I probably got what he had when he got home from India.

I reminded him of my already tender digestive tract prior to my trip and told him it was more likely a sudden onset of Crohn's...but deep down, I knew it was colon cancer and I was sad because I had heard two stories of people finding out they had cancer only two weeks prior and they left their families prematurely and my grandma had several inches of her colon removed and my parents have gut stuff and so do my sisters and with all my "fasting and cleansing" and eating clean and chocolate and wine binges, I'd probably jacked up my whole system and I was weeping because I wanted to watch Emily and Ryan grow up to love God and live boldly for Him and I had so much I needed to write down so they would know how much I love them and what kind of people they should marry and that they could be whatever they wanted to be if God was at the center of their lives being honored in it, and I wanted to renew my vows with Jason on our 20th, but now we weren't going to Spain until August and would I make it until then and had I really left the world a better place than I found it or had I just wasted space and time and talents and there was so much to do if I was going to die, even though I wasn't afraid of it...

Jason said, "Sweetheart, please just make an appointment with Dr. Snook and Dr. Julie and they can do some tests.  You probably just have a virus or something, but you won't ever know until you go.  And you need to stop doing research on the Internet for a while.  Like, take a 5 day break or something...I mean it."  He prayed for me in the kitchen and headed out the door for an overnight to Florida for work.

I got the kids in the car, did carpool, and headed up during rush hour traffic to a last minute appointment my friend had available.  The back pain was worse.  The cancer has spread.  And now nausea.  Last stages.  I was no longer seven months pregnant but rather, skinny from my week of steady trips to the loo.  My doctor friend (who I have known for 10 years and we are very, very close and she knows me all too well) said, "Hey, you look great!  What are you doing?"  I said, "I've been shitting in my pants all week non-stop...I'm not sure there's a secret to it...you just loose weight?!*&%$#"  

She said, "What's going on?"

I said, "I'm a mess! (*Insert BAWLING...)  I think I have colon cancer or Crohn's or something..."

She checked me out, did a couple tests and said, "You have a virus..."

And then she said, "You need to take this because this will help, but I'm pulling out the Big Guns..."

And then she prayed for me.  Not just for my guts but for my mind and my train of thought and my heart and some of the details I can't share here yet and God gave me His peace.

Life is short and I do need to write a few things down for both Emily and Ryan.  But I also need to live right here.  Right now, with INTENTION.

And I don't know when my life here on Earth is meant to come to an end because I'm not in charge of that but I trust the One who has my days numbered in His grand plan.  I'm taking a break from digestive research even though it's fascinating and I know from self-experimentation and documented research the benefits of clean eating on disease and health.

But for now, I will live with INTENTION.

My thoughts had become cancerous, not my bowels. 

I will not allow my head and heart to run on rabbit trails, but when and if I do, I know the One, my loving, steadfast Savior, who remains faithful even when I go darting off.

I guess I just needed the reminder:  It's the slow and steady tortoise who wins in the end.

*Ever had a crazy "end of the world" kind of day?  You can leave it in the comment section so I don't feel like the only one, or you can NOT and that's okay, too...either way, it felt good to write it out...

Have a good weekend!

And by "Busy" I mean...

This guy keeps me on my toes. He's napping now which has allowed me this brief moment to post a few pics and random thoughts.

This is his cupboard.

See.  He actually sleeps in there.  Kidding, kidding!  But it is his cupboard where, if he's not reading a book, throwing the dog her ball, trying to climb the stairs and walking around things, he's pulling out the unbreakable contents of this designated cupboard.

This drawer, the napkin drawer, and by "napkin" I mean 500, was not a designated drawer...except we hadn't put the latch on it yet, so Ryan found it and designated it napkin party central!

These are actually Jason's shooting ear pluggy cover thingamaboppers, but Emily likes to put them on once in a while to drown out "background noise" aka, her little brother...Ryan just likes to put them on to look like a recording artist...or Bob the Builder...

When my little lover is contained in his booster chair, I'm able to breathe deep for the brief amount of time it takes for him to snarf down his food before he's onto the next adventure.

I can't imagine life without him!  I am so grateful God has allowed us the life we have lived thus far, the good, bad and ugly, in order to have met the kids we have, the one we don't anymore, and to gain the perspective that even in the day to day mundane, there is beauty, laughter, and meaning.

Okay, except that wasn't what I was going to post :)  But I'll leave it at that.  Grateful.  Thankful.  Busy but with good stuff.  Finding joy in the day to day.  Asking God to lead me by His Spirit so I'm not just doing things to do them or to please others, but to glorify God and walk in obedience to Him.   

Yeah, that...

Better Late Than Never?

Well, I know Halloween and Fall Break were a while ago, but I thought I'd post some pics anyway so you can see the Adventures of Emily and Ryan. 

We had an early snow so we pulled all the pumpkins into the front hall.  Ryan played "ball" with these every day until the snow melted.

For Halloween Ryan was "Adam" from the Garden.  Just kidding.  His little tooshie was raw from 2 months of diarrhea so we let him "air out" at Nana's house.  FYI:  his big D is gone and the kid broke 4, count 'em, 4 molars!  Fun times...

Em and I got to ride horses at a friend's house while we were home in South Dakota. What's that?  Yes, I am wearing a Pashmina with camouflage and running shoes...(no, I wasn't prepared for the chill at sunset!)

Bonus kid points go to Emily this year...she told me she wanted to be Cleopatra and wear her Egyptian princess costume again...it's from two years ago...the bonus points come in that Mama didn't have to make a costume this year!  (*To tell the truth, I kind of missed making one...)  LOVE our niece and nephews pajamas that glowed in the dark!!!  And that's Aunt Kitty behind the sword...let's just say Ryan DID NOT LIKE Auntie's face painted like a kitty!

Ryan, or "Squirt," helped me pass out candy to the kiddos in the hood.  And by "pass out" well, I have video of him chucking it left and right but I'm not sure how to post it here.  He's into that stage of throw down/pick up/throw down/pick up!  Fun for Mama!

In order to stop Squirt from chucking the candy dish all over the hallway I allowed him a few seconds of phone time.  I NEVER allow this as a phone is NOT a toy...not in my book, anyway.  I have a feeling this kid is going to be like his daddy...a techy brainiac genius type.

I guess I did get to sew a little...we were invited to a friend's family party down the street.  Emily insisted that we HAD to dress up, that EVERYBODY would be wearing a costume, so, I was either going to sport my senior year gold sequin prom dress circa 1990, my Grandma's old house robe with slippers and rollers with face cream, or a flapper dress I had made for a murder mystery party we went to 15 years ago...Can you tell which one I went with?  I had to take in the dress, if you count that as sewing.  

And did we have the best costumes there, you ask?  Well, yes.  Yes we did, in fact...BECAUSE WE WERE THE ONLY FRIGGING PARENTS DRESSED UP AT THE PARTY!  So, there you go...Halloween down, Thanksgiving in a week and then December the next week!  This year is flying!

Confessions of a treadmill walker

After my appointment today where I heard a sweet heartbeat and got to visit with Mr. Favorite Doctor, (which we are at 18wks in case you are tracking), I headed to the gym to keep up my girly figure. Mr. Favorite Dr. asked me if I had just worked out because of my all black polyester workout ensemble. I told him that I was headed to the gym after my appointment and then asked him the question I've been meaning/dreading to for quite some time.

Me: "Can I do the Bolder Boulder? It's a 10k. I'm not going to run it but walk it to raise money for water wells in Haiti."

MFD: "Adrienne, 100 years ago women walked 6 miles to town while they were pregnant. Yes, you can do the Bolder Boulder. Maybe I'll do it with you...I'm training for a Trek."

So, I document that so I can use it as leverage to try to get Mr. Favorite Doctor and possibly his staff to join the cause...I'll work on him. But seriously, a 10k will be beans for a guy whose headed to Nepal to do some 14ers. Oh crap! I didn't ask him WHEN the trek is...please don't be at the end of August, please don't be at the end of August, please don't be at the end of August!

Anyway, as I walked my 3+ miles today on the treadmill, these are the random thoughts that went through my mind in no particular order:

• Oooooohhhhh, how cute is that guy?! He's gotta be like 85 or 90! I love that his cankles are bigger than his biceps! Way to go, Gramps! You go!
  
• Ewwwwwwww, I can't touch the handle grip thingies to take my heart rate because there's old sweat on them...I've already walked a mile...will people notice that I am hopping off just to get sanitizer to clean the grips? Oh well, I don't give a rip, I'm not a fan of others sweat on my body...
• I have no idea how to read the Nasdaq. Half the monitors are on the financial news with Wall Street info scrolling the screen but I have no idea what the heck it means...
• Oh my gosh! My heart is so sad! 38 Russians died in 2 Moscow subway suicide bombings! The bombers were women...stupid women, selfish women! Lord, please comfort the families left behind and draw them close to Your heart! (We spent 2 summers in Russia...we love the people there!)
  
• Seriously! Do you have to groan and grunt when you lift weights? Is it really necessary? Is it?! Sheesh!
• Oh no, Mister! Cutting your sleeves off your old 1987 t-shirt, ALL THE WAY DOWN TO YOUR WAIST, was never a good look, not in the 80's, 90's or today...no matter your abdominal status.
• Where is that cute Grampa? That's the key: Jason and I just can't get lazy...we have to stay active...we owe it to our bodies and to our kids.
• Why does the Spinning instructor sound like she's sexually aroused? Seriously, lady, maybe that's why your class is full of guys? Huh?! Tone it down, woman!
  
• "Crabby Dick's" Really? The name on the back of a guy's t-shirt at the gym. Not so sure the girl from "Whip It" would have thought it was that funny...
• OH man! I'll never have triceps like that girl...why can't I have triceps like that girl?! #$%^&*
  
• Wow! I am so grateful that I am even able to walk this fast and far...thank You, Lord, that I am not on bed rest. I am thankful to be able to exercise.
• Can my bladder seriously be that crowded already? I can hold it, I can hold it, I can hold it...shoot, can't hold it.
  
• Again with the badly cut armpit t-shirt...puh-leaze! Maybe I should bring some new extra large t-shirts with me next time and offer them to the guys that think that's a good look?
• Oh no you don't have on zebra print pants! Classic! DUDE!

So, there you have it. That is what goes through my mind when I FORGET MY MUSIC AND READING MATERIAL at the gym. Next time, I won't forget...although it was quite entertaining...

Fun with Em...

It all started at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science...
We hit most of the displays. Em loved it! There was a fabulous gem display that affirms my continued awe of God's creativity! And the dinosaurs! So cool! There was even a skull from a Stegosaurus that was excavated north of Denver the year Em was born. At the close of the day, Em's Nana took her into the gift shop. She chose a bag of rocks (she loves rocks! I told Em that every rock in our yard, front and back, is part of her very own collection...she thought that was awesome!) and a kaleidoscope, not one with beads or jewels in it, but a plain one that allows you to see multiples of whatever, or whoever, is on the opposite end. So, we had a little fun with it and the camera. See if you can figure out what, or who, it is in each pic!