It's Important for you to Know

It's important for you to know I don't always hate myself.

It's important because it is the truth.

And "hate" is a big word, one which isn't truly accurate for how I feel day in and day out.  But for those of you who struggle with the person in the mirror on occasion, you know when the word "hate" is stirring and feel the brunt of it when it rears its ugly head.

Most days I don't even think about myself.  I love being a wife and mom and friend and neighbor.  All roles I enjoy and have even chosen.

But this morning a thought came to mind.  After processing it a bit with my husband, a friend, and just an hour ago with my counselor, I'll try my best to convey here.

Earlier this week I read this article.  Before you criticize the author, read it and then process it through the following filter:

My intention in attending a 4-year college was not to find a husband.  I mean, really, if you think about it...$20,000/year for private schooling = a really nice dowry after 4 years.  Instead, I got married with a heap load of debt.  I went to school with a desire to learn and grow and explore more of God's creativity, knowledge, and will for my life.  Originally I wanted to be a writer, but after being placed in remedial English my freshman year (WHO KNEW you could study for the SAT???!!!) and being challenged by my parents to choose a "real major," I decided to move forward in pre-med, because I at least knew I wanted to heal people.  (*Pretty sure my parents envisioned a beatnik writer in a smoky coffee shop with a beret handing out free copies of my work or a writer in a cabin in the woods, never publishing but living off her parents.  I think they forgot about journalists and columnists and you know, authors and writers.)

Photo by Ann Larie Valentine

If you've read here a while, you know I didn't make it through pre-med, seeing as how passing chemistry is necessary and all.  With a passion for international travel and culture and a love for God's love story for the world, I majored in Theology with a Missions emphasis and a minor in Spanish.  Upon graduation, my husband and I set off with hundreds of teenagers in tow to Venezuela to share God's love, and that was just the beginning.  (*This doesn't really have anything to do with what I'm talking about here...but you try tracing a thought in your head on paper.  It's tough stuff.)

Anyway, way back when my mom told me about reproduction, namely sex and baby delivery, I was cool never being a mom.  And FOR SURE not going through the delivery part.  Ewwww and OWWW!  Kids were fine and all if they belonged to someone else, but for me, it was six in one, half dozen in the other.  Then I met my husband and realized he would be one amazing dad.  And then I met our first child and fell in love.

I hung up the world of Student Development in the college setting, having only been surrounded by college aged women from the time I entered college plus 7 more years as a professional.  And I entered into daily one on one's with an infant girl.  One for whom I was souly (*I meant: soul) responsible, but really had nothing to give in return other than bodily excretions and some lovely sounds and snuggles.  All good, but not the reason I went to college.

Soooo, follow along here for a sec...a few years ago my mom and I were talking about indulgence and contentment specifically how I'll eat to escape.  We talked about how on vacation we are relaxed, enjoying feelings attached to new memories, rewarding experiences, and new pleasures, often times coupled with dining and trying exotic foods or yummy drinks or relaxing on warm beaches.  These are all good and great and obviously a luxury, but all reasons we long for and look forward to vacations, even short getaways. 

This morning it occurred to me, a person who loves authenticity and enjoys the art of writing, whether on paper or in my head, that even though I love being a wife and mom, those roles do not define me.  My friend even said her husband posed the question to her several years ago, "If I died or our children died, you wouldn't be my wife or their mother anymore...so who would YOU be, not what would you DO?"  He went on to say those are roles she may love, but they aren't necessarily her authentic true self, they are part of her but not her.

Are you even tracking with me?  I'm sorry if not...I'm trying here.

So, I can't speak for you, but I'll speak for myself.  I adore my children and am a really good mom.  I'm also a smoking hot, attentive wife who prays favor and blessings over my husband every day.  And during this season of life, which is now going on 11 years as a parent, 20 as a wife, I've put aside much of my own desires, passions, pursuits, and ways in which I am wired, to focus on the here and now, namely my family and their well-being.

I put all my coals in one fire.

Like the British mum who expressed her heart, this is not something I should have done.  Loving myself by keeping one iron in the fire would have kept God's deposits, His gifts, still kindling.  INSTEAD, like many SAHM's and Outside the Home Working Mums, I focused on just one thing and that one thing became THE thing.  And as a result, I have FILLED those places which were rich and fulfilling with temporary satisfaction, namely food.

And maybe you've filled it with an addiction to sassy coffee or keeping a perfectly clean house or volunteering extra hours at things which are good and worthwhile and important or shopping or redecorating and redecorating and redecorating your house or that third glass of wine?  Or maybe you've filled it with accomplishments at work and others opinions of you or checking things off a list or keeping up the image you portray to those around you, no matter how weary you really are?

These feelings we experience on vacation when we are able to escape from the day to day become feelings we want to experience in the day to day when the rubber hits the road and we feel overwhelmed...and especially as Americans, we think we deserve it.

Okay, never mind, I'll speak for myself...I think I deserve it.

I think because I did 7 loads of laundry, cleaned the house, got Em off to school and played trains and dinosaurs with Ryan for three hours and put a healthy dinner on the table, I deserve this or that reward...and truth be told, I crave the reward and instant gratification food or wine or, for sure, chocolate, delivers.

All the while, the reason these temporary indulgences have come up short is because as I dove head first into being a mom, specifically, I didn't leave an iron in the fire.  A writing iron, that is.  The very iron God designed in me as an outlet for creativity and in more recent years, for authenticity, ministry, and healing.

Which leads me to my Facebook post after counseling today:

"Here I go to counseling to talk about disordered eating and unhealthy expectations and body image, and we wind up talking about writing...because apparently when I write authentically, candidly, and with vulnerability, I'm being true to who God made me to be."  #stuffcounselorstellyouthatyouknowdeepdown #killingmonsters #findingfreedomtowritemyheartout

After counseling I had lunch with Jason, then headed to a beatnik coffee shop to write.

The girls next to me asked me what I do.

I told them I'm a writer.

And 10 Things I Love About Me

So, last fall I was really humbled to be part of an intimate retreat weekend in Austin, Texas.  I relished in hearing the stories of the women I had never met, as well as cherished the opportunity to reconnect with the girls I knew from various times in my life.  To be honest, just be away from everything and have girl time was what the Doctor ordered.

I love girl time.  (Written language is inadequate a tool for me to convey how much I love time with girlfriends...)

Kristin Armstrong shared some of her own story during our weekend, with authenticity and vulnerability.  She's a fan of Brene Brown, queen of vulnerability, but not only that, she's a fan of girlfriends and especially a fan of when we as women come together and thrive in our uniqueness. 

I still carry many treasures from that weekend, but one I keep coming back to is how Kristin asked each of us to think for a while, to remember way back when, to our first memory of really feeling alive doing what we loved to do.  Like, "when you were a kid, what was your favorite thing to do?" type of question. 

And then, basically, what your first memory of your favorite thing was is how you were designed/wired/created...how God made you..."what you would thrive in being when you 'grow up'."

My memory of when I first felt alive was on the playground in elementary school.  I could picture it clear as day, and I could see myself, gathering girls.

Photo: www.katu.com "Portland Park Series"

I wanted everyone to belong.  My heart hurt when other girls felt left out.  I still remember the names of some of my classmates...the ones other kids made fun of for different clothes, different ticks, different skin color.

I felt most alive and the deepest joy when swinging on the monkey bars or climbing the Rocket Slide with all the girls.  It made my heart happy when we ALL played Chinese jump rope or Double Dutch, taking turns.  Even though only two could go at a time, I loved taking turns on Wall Ball, Tether Ball, and on the swings.

The 80's were good on the playground.  Photo: www.egotvonline.com

For me it wasn't hard to believe we could all just get along.  Even if we had disagreements, I knew deep down in my heart the playground was for everyone...Krissy, Swati, Kari S, all of us.

It wasn't just for the whoevertheheckdecideswhoispopular kids.

And so, even if some days I sit on my floor and cry because I'm stuck and not in love with myself, because of your encouragement and God's love for me, I woke up to this reminder this morning.

Here are 10 Things I Love About Me and I have even gone to my counseling appointment, wink, wink:

1. I am a peacemaker.  "You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight.  That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family."
2. I love to build bridges between women.
3. I actually do love to play on the playground.
4. I love listening to the stories of other women.
5. I love to see a woman living in complete freedom...to me, it's one of the most beautiful sights to behold.  There's nothing she can't do...
6. I love how much my heart is capable of loving my husband and kids.
7. I love time with girlfriends.
8. I'm really good at making soup from scratch.
9. I love to sew and design and create clothes and jewelry and decor.
10. I will always believe the best about you, because we all have a story...

*I won't lie, writing this list took me a lot longer than my "hate" list.

I challenge you, not just to do this exercise, but because it will encourage others, as well:  in the comments, write 10 Things You Love About Yourself.

Ready, go...

SAHM Ships Her Pants in the Big City

Yesterday I woke up sure I was dying of colon cancer.

I actually had all the signs according to the NIH.
 
The last month has proved to be a loose operation around here...and by "around here" specifically I mean me, my toilet, and I.  Almost a month ago I decided to do a Daniel Fast to pray about some specific things in my life and a lot of people in my life, and also to clean up my body a bit.  God put certain people on my heart and my times of study were really rich.  It's always easier for me to fast while Jason is out of town and since he was headed to India for a week and a half I chose that time frame.  In true anal (huh) fashion, I typed up a schedule of my Daniel Fast, what foods were allowed, pretty much just veggies, and also wanted to be smart and take certain supplements to be sure I was cleaning out impurities as they released over the course of the week and a half.  All I know is, after a few days and some research and re-calculating, I "discovered" (since the evidence wasn't enough?) that I was ingesting enough fiber for me and my family of 4...and probably your family of 4, as well.

photo courtesy of 4unews.com

Those are times I'm grateful my husband is out of town...I kid you not, I could barely breathe in bed every night.  And I'm not talking about sinus congestion.

Jason got home from India bringing some sort of foreign guest along in his colon.  Poor guy was way more worse off than I was, speaking of "loose operations" and all.  He finally got some meds and he was back in regular business after a couple of days.

Anyway, with him home, once he was able to eat again, I re-introduced fish and a little more lean protein to my "fast".  And, since he got home prior to the weekend and we had a birthday party and I had been solo with the kids for 10 1/2 straight days and I'd eaten clean all that time and lifted, did Yoga, and hit the treadmill each day, I had a glass of wine on date night.  And some popcorn.  And split a gluten free dessert after dinner, but I was writing a "Trip Advisor" review, so that was important because, of course, no one cares and I'm not getting paid for it...but I was going to go back to clean the next morning.

And I got back to pretty clean/balanced eating but none of my "deposits" had gone back to "normal."  In fact, at night my liver was hurting so I'd wake up and flip onto my left side to get back to sleep.  This, of course, put Jason in a trapped state, but since he sleeps through most things, I mean, what can you do? 

And then there are a few details I'll leave out...

Finally I decided to back off my protein powder supplement laden with fiber, as well as my other fibrous supplements, and just let the regular fiber in my veggies do the trick to get me back to a regular pooping kind of girl...not to mention, I was headed to New York City for the upcoming weekend and didn't want to become familiar, like some old person, with all the restrooms in the City.

This plan worked well.  Over the course of the weekend, walking miles and miles, hanging out with friends, hitting gluten-free foodie restaurants and strolling the tulip lined streets all over the City, I realized my bowels and I were, again, at one with the Universe.  Except for on Sunday evening when I looked and felt 7 months pregnant, without exaggeration, and could not for the life of me figure out what the culprit was because even though I had indulged a little in the City, I still didn't eat my allergens.  I went to bed that night, sleeping on my left side, holding my baby belly, hoping all would be well in the morning.

The next morning was our day to leave.  We hit a local diner for breakfast and shared blueberries and an omelet.  I don't eat eggs.  I haven't had eggs in probably a year and a half because my blood work shows it to be my most extreme allergen.  But I thought, "Eh, it won't be that big of a deal...it's cleaner than me eating something like a straight up donut or piece of cheesecake or something..."

We got to the airport, seated on the plane, I fell fast asleep after take off with one of those horrifying open-mouthed plane deep sleeps we've all experienced.  All was well with my little world.  About a half an hour prior to landing I woke up because I was 7 months pregnant again.  My baby was raging mad...kicking...wanting out.

I wasn't quite ready to "deliver" on the plane.

We de-planed and headed to the ladies room, but I guess it was just premature labor.

After a 45 minute drive home, I walked in the door and, let's just say, it wasn't pretty...at all...for four days straight.  The first night, in what is shy only a month of 20 years, Jason had to hit the couch for the first time because I was in and out of bed every 4 minutes.  "Hi, I'm home!  I'm sure you are so happy to have me home from NYC, huh?!"

Anyway, thankfully my sister was here during this time and was so very helpful with the kiddos while Jason was at work and I was "in my office."  He said, "I bet you got food poisoning or something."  I kept thinking, "I split meals with my friends and none of them are sick so it must just be some hidden allergen." 

When things slowed a bit I started doing a little research about bowels and guts.  I researched the Mayo's site, several natural health and infectious disease sites, read a few books on Crohn's and colitis and inflammatory bowel disease.  I researched the causes, the symptoms, the underlying factors.

Jason said I probably got what he had when he got home from India.

I reminded him of my already tender digestive tract prior to my trip and told him it was more likely a sudden onset of Crohn's...but deep down, I knew it was colon cancer and I was sad because I had heard two stories of people finding out they had cancer only two weeks prior and they left their families prematurely and my grandma had several inches of her colon removed and my parents have gut stuff and so do my sisters and with all my "fasting and cleansing" and eating clean and chocolate and wine binges, I'd probably jacked up my whole system and I was weeping because I wanted to watch Emily and Ryan grow up to love God and live boldly for Him and I had so much I needed to write down so they would know how much I love them and what kind of people they should marry and that they could be whatever they wanted to be if God was at the center of their lives being honored in it, and I wanted to renew my vows with Jason on our 20th, but now we weren't going to Spain until August and would I make it until then and had I really left the world a better place than I found it or had I just wasted space and time and talents and there was so much to do if I was going to die, even though I wasn't afraid of it...

Jason said, "Sweetheart, please just make an appointment with Dr. Snook and Dr. Julie and they can do some tests.  You probably just have a virus or something, but you won't ever know until you go.  And you need to stop doing research on the Internet for a while.  Like, take a 5 day break or something...I mean it."  He prayed for me in the kitchen and headed out the door for an overnight to Florida for work.

I got the kids in the car, did carpool, and headed up during rush hour traffic to a last minute appointment my friend had available.  The back pain was worse.  The cancer has spread.  And now nausea.  Last stages.  I was no longer seven months pregnant but rather, skinny from my week of steady trips to the loo.  My doctor friend (who I have known for 10 years and we are very, very close and she knows me all too well) said, "Hey, you look great!  What are you doing?"  I said, "I've been shitting in my pants all week non-stop...I'm not sure there's a secret to it...you just loose weight?!*&%$#"  

She said, "What's going on?"

I said, "I'm a mess! (*Insert BAWLING...)  I think I have colon cancer or Crohn's or something..."

She checked me out, did a couple tests and said, "You have a virus..."

And then she said, "You need to take this because this will help, but I'm pulling out the Big Guns..."

And then she prayed for me.  Not just for my guts but for my mind and my train of thought and my heart and some of the details I can't share here yet and God gave me His peace.

Life is short and I do need to write a few things down for both Emily and Ryan.  But I also need to live right here.  Right now, with INTENTION.

And I don't know when my life here on Earth is meant to come to an end because I'm not in charge of that but I trust the One who has my days numbered in His grand plan.  I'm taking a break from digestive research even though it's fascinating and I know from self-experimentation and documented research the benefits of clean eating on disease and health.

But for now, I will live with INTENTION.

My thoughts had become cancerous, not my bowels. 

I will not allow my head and heart to run on rabbit trails, but when and if I do, I know the One, my loving, steadfast Savior, who remains faithful even when I go darting off.

I guess I just needed the reminder:  It's the slow and steady tortoise who wins in the end.

*Ever had a crazy "end of the world" kind of day?  You can leave it in the comment section so I don't feel like the only one, or you can NOT and that's okay, too...either way, it felt good to write it out...

Have a good weekend!

At Home with Intention

This is a note to myself and to every. single. stay. at. home. mom. or. person. in. the. whole. entire. world.

Side note:  If you've ever done, or are interested in doing a Beth Moore study, don't follow the rules.  Rules and schedules are suggestions and when it comes to one of her studies, one week per lesson or session, is insufficient time to truly dig in deep to the content in Scripture.  Her studies are merely springboards into God's revelation.  Every time I've been part of a study, this time around specifically Daniel, we have broken the rules and lengthened the study for as long as it takes.  Let's just say, we started this "12-week" study eight months ago...and we're not done yet.  But this isn't the point of this post, at all.

So, in Week 10 of the study, page 195, Beth says this, "Sometimes the complacency of 'home' is not conducive to the most life-altering revelations."  To which I wrote in my margin, "Short-term missions are relat revelatory."  Because I am very passionate about "missions" in general and how they can transform the heart of the go-er, no matter the length.  People need to cross borders...it allows our eyes to be opened.  However, that still isn't the point of this post...(more on that another time...)

Then she said, "Have you ever noticed that some of the most life-altering moves God has made in our lives have come when we were away from our homey surroundings?"  And she goes on to say, "Often our most defining spiritual markers happen at conferences, retreats, on mission trips, vacations, or work stints far from home rather than in the usual places." 

Before reading the remainder of her thoughts, I had my own which I scribed in the margin, "I challenge that 'home' is the place where the rubber meets the road and our faith sets in and takes root...if we continue in our pursuit of Him in the mundane, He is there...He speaks."

And then I continued to read, "The daily-ness of home is crucial, however, because there God challenges us to believe and persevere in what He often shows us elsewhere."

But what if you are a "Stay At Home Mom" or SAHM or Person and never leave home?  What if your definition of leaving home entails carpooling, grocery runs, jaunts to the library, co-op, sports or music practice, doctor check-ups, and filling up with gas so you can repeat those things previously stated?

What then?  Is there no potential, then, for a "defining spiritual moment" to take place in the life of a SAHPerson?  Are Stay At Home People too mundane, too homey?  Do SAHP NOT change the world or NOT experience life-altering moves of God just because they didn't go far from home?

NOT at all!

I dare say that for the last 2 1/2 years I have purposely hibernated.  Being quite literal, I have stayed. at. home. And I've been INTENTIONAL in playing with my kids, dating my husband, spending time with my extended family, meeting more of the neighbors and the parents at my daughter's school, but really, focusing on the circle of life I'm in at this particular stage of life and not going that far outside of it.

And during the last two and a half years, God's shown up in powerful ways.  He has shown up in our times at the dining room table most mornings.  He has opened up conversations between people which have been shielded and closed for a long time.  In unsuspecting settings, He's provided cool opportunities to pray right then and there with people. 

And at home, He has taught me more and more about Himself and His incredible love for me and for ALL OF HIS CREATION, His longing to be in community with His people.

I haven't been on a quote un quote missions trip in a few years now where I've left the country.  And believe me, I am very passionate about visiting Third-World countries.

However, don't EVER let the Devil lie to you that you aren't making an impact in your circle of life or changing the world around you, right here, right now!  The impact you make can either be beautiful and life-altering or spent wishing you were doing something else, living someone else's life, waiting until you have "your act together."

The reality is, if we look to God in the day to day, sharing His love with everyone we know and meet, don't you think eventually those ripples will start overlapping?

*What are some ways you know God has shown up in your day to day mundane?  How has it changed your perspective?

The Tortoise and the Hare

When I think of turtles, images from Eric Carle's books come to mind since I have a toddler and these are on my shelves and in my hands most afternoons before nap time.

If I said the word "turtle" to my husband, I bet you a zillion dollars visions of pecans covered in caramel covered in dark chocolate would immediately come to mind.

We've all read it, had it read to us, envisioned it play by play.  I'm not talking about Eric Carle or nuts and chocolate, but instead, "The Tortoise and the Hare."

Sculpture by Nancy Schon, on display in Boston, MA

And it's funny how in my own life, on different occasions and varying settings, the story of The Tortoise and the Hare keeps crossing my path.

But I've always been a hare.  Good starter.  Up for a challenge.  Fired up energy and especially boastful declarations of certain victory with time to spare.  This mentality is one I've coasted on for years, gleaning past strengths as resource energy, sometimes it working seemingly in my favor.

But pride comes before a fall...and I'm the most prideful of all.

I've applied this hare mentality to losing weight.  I've applied it to prayer.  I've applied it to temporary dietary changes, expecting long term lifestyle changes.  I've applied it to leadership positions and relationships and solving problems and test-taking and studying and college and more things than naught.

Because the turtle was a schlow-mo.  And schlow-mo is lame-o.  It's just so...slow.

photo courtesy npr

But turtle is:

• Intentional
• Determined
• Steadfast
• Diligent
• Faithful
• Enduring
• Consistent
• Disciplined
• Strong
• Focused
• Persistent
• Comfortable to be turtle, pressing on, not too slow but steady as she goes, accomplishing much

Recently while taking a Financial Peace University class, Dave Ramsey said he was having dinner with a billionaire and asked him how he made all his money.  The guy said that everything he ever learned about making money he learned from his favorite book.  Dave got a pen in hand to write down the title and author so he could go get his own copy...because Dave doesn't have enough money?

Anyway, the guy told Dave that he reads the book every chance he gets and loves reading it to his grandkids...

...his favorite book, "The Tortoise and the Hare."

I have a dear friend whose journey has been modeling this very thing to me.  Her blog is called, "The Girl Who Cried Skinny" and her journey is one to stop crying wolf and to press on towards health through diligence and determination, by walking and making healthy food choices, one day at a time.  Inspiring is just the start of a snowball of words which come to mind to encourage and challenge me not only in the area of taking life and health one choice at a time, but allowing that same turtle discipline to flood the other areas of my life, especially in prayer and studying God's word.

Hares are:

• Intense
• High-strung
• Fast
• Jumpy
• Twitchy
• Lean
• Nervous seeming
• Quick
• Agile

Did you know the average life span of a hare is 8 to 12 years?

Did you know the average life span of a tortoise is 100 years?

I don't know about you, but I'm ready to slow down and start living my life with intention...because if I remember the story correctly, the tortoise wins.

INTENTION

Was it Venezuela?  Maybe Siberia?  It could have been St. Petersburg, Russia.

I don't remember now.

All I know is a million years ago when I was in my young 20's I met a teenager named Alece Ronzino...we met over a mutual love for the mission field.  I think she was a carnivalite because for some reason I can picture a painted triangle on her cheek, but mostly I remember her amazing smile, how her eyes lit up as she laughed, and her undeniable positive attitude in spite of our meager missionary circumstances.

Alece is a grown up now and has lived more life than I know she has wanted.  All of it, however, has molded and shaped her into the godly, authentic woman she is today.

We haven't kept in touch over the years, but we were reconnected thanks to small worlds and the Internet a couple years ago via our mutual friend, Sarah Markley...another godly, authentic woman.

Alece is the real deal.  Her blog, Grit and Glory, speaks for itself in the title.  I encourage you to head there and be challenged and inspired to draw closer to God's grace and unconditional love as a result of reading some of her story.

Anyway, why am I writing about Alece?  Well, she has founded a movement called "One Word 365" of basically putting into words what has been on my heart for quite some time now.  I encourage you to head there to check it out.

This post isn't actually about Alece, though I'm thankful to her for the creative way to share.  It's actually about:

I'm actually being intentional to physically write with ink and paper this year, as opposed to just typing...

INTENTION.  

And, if you noticed, I changed my blog to reflect the word some time ago...

Last year in early fall I began a Bible study with one friend that I know and love dearly and a room full of other women, some whose faces I knew and others I learned that day.  We had gathered to study the book of Daniel together and though I had read that particular chapter of the Bible a couple of times over the years, I wasn't sure what was in store for my heart.

All I knew was I was grateful for a setting where I didn't know everyone, I wasn't in charge, we had a focus and purpose, and I knew God would meet me face to face because time was being set apart specifically to study His word.

2012 was a year of intention for me, particularly in the area of loving myself.  I appreciate how it sounds, though I'm not talking about lipstick kisses on my mirror and splurges at the shoe store.  I'm talking about 40 years of not loving myself, never appreciating that God made me for a reason, hours, days, years spent wasted on hating myself, all the while giving the Devil more and more power over my thoughts, fears, and dreams.  The theme of loving myself manifested in many ways, especially in the pursuit of more time one on one with God's word.  On practical levels it showed up in outing myself as a closet eater, signing up for a massage of the month club, having more dates with my husband, telling the lies in my head to go to hell, sitting for hours reading Seuss to my 2 year old and other hours reading classics with my 10 year old.  I loved myself by flying to Austin, Texas, to meet old and new girlfriends intentional in the pursuit of sisterhood.  I re-launched my non-profit, Bevy Girls, and have loved the small group of women gathering with similar passion.  I sat with my 90+ grandpa and asked him important questions and held his hand as I listened.  I've had some good heart to hearts.  I bought a treadmill and some dumbbells.  I read more.  I listened.  I said yes.  I said no.

And there were many days where I totally screwed up and was intentional and hell-bent on hurting myself, not seeing myself as a person worthy of my own love, let alone feeling God's.

I think the theme for 2013 will be similar, however the wording is a little different and the focus.

I still am learning how to love myself.  However, I really don't like focusing on me.  It leaves a nasty aftertaste.

No, I want to live with INTENTION, sure in loving myself and taking care of myself, but first and foremost, intention with my dear and beautiful, gracious and loving God.  He's never been anything other than steady in my life.  He's loved and pursued me with intention, yet there have been seasons where I have not reciprocated.

Practical application of INTENTION:  In the Daniel study I am doing, the book starts out with Daniel being intentional in his health, study, leadership, and stewardship of gifts, and not for himself only and the benefits he would reap, but for God and His bigger picture.

It says that three times a day Daniel knelt down to give thanks to God.

It doesn't say he gave God a short order, every prayer request in the book, or a list as long as Santa's.

It says he knelt down three times a day and thanked God.

My translation:  Daniel was INTENTIONAL in his pursuit of God...and everything else followed thereafter.

So far as I've sat INTENTIONALLY with God, I haven't found my life to be perfect, however, I have found when I am INTENTIONAL about putting Him first, everything else is doable, even those things which appear insurmountable.

*Instead of a New Year's Resolution, what is one word you can focus on this year that will encourage and challenge you to be who you were designed to be?

Feel free to share it here or head over to this page and link up to the One Word 365 community.

Loveolution

We need to start a "Loveolution."  Actually, we need to carry out what was already started years ago...like, thousands of years ago, where EL. OH. VEE.  EE. was the headline news, not the other crap on TV, but news worthy in that it was spoken and acted out, person to person, in real life, God to man. The kind of news where people ran from town to town to tell how their lives were radically changed, for eternity...

Love + Revolution = Loveolution

Love is, according to the "Free Dictionary":

• A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

Revolution is, according to the "Free Dictionary":

• 1a.  Orbital motion about a point, especially as distinguished from axial rotation: ie, planetary revolution about the sun.
• 1b.  A turning or rotational motion about an axis.
• 1c.  A single complete cycle of such orbital or axial motion.
• 2.  The overthrow of one government and its replacement with another.
• 3.  A sudden or momentous change in a situation.

So, picture this:  all of us, every. single. one. of. us. orbiting, or rotating our lives, NOT around our own intentions, motives, or seemingly selfless behaviors, but around LOVE.  Loving God first, loving ourselves the way we've been created, and loving everyone else with whom we come in contact.

INTENTIONAL LOVE.

It's not easy.  Some don't, or won't, love God.  They have too many walls to even believe He is good, or that He exists at all.

Others, like I've done in the past, don't, or won't, love ourselves, grateful for all our quirks and imperfections that add to the beauty and variety of life.

And loving others...even the crusty weird neighbor or crotchety relative who is negative, negative, negative?  Even that one?  Ummm, that's not easy.

Yeah, but who said it's supposed to be easy?  We want it to be, but loving is tough stuff, because we all have rough edges and we've all been hurt.

Our "underlying oneness" from the definition above is that God made us all...

We need a Loveolution.  

Before any more laws are passed and any more hate is spread, we need to literally STOP.  I don't give a rip about what kind of government is or isn't in place, if we don't have love, it doesn't mean jack squat.

Imagine if all the hate in the world was overthrown with a Loveolution?

With this previous election, there were days where I could taste bile in my mouth because of how nauseous I was from all the hatred being spewed...and from people who use my Lord's name...in vain.

Don't pervert my God!

People think using God's name in vain is what people yell at the opposing teams at a sports match, or at the guy who cut you off in traffic.

Using God's name in vain is claiming to be His yet not walking in LOVE.

Stop.  Don't do it.  How sickening that the name of Jesus Christ is being perverted by people spreading hatred!  It's opposite of Who He was, Who He is, and Who He is supposed to be in us.

I'm a Christian woman.  This means I am a forgiven human who has an intimate relationship with the Creator of the Universe because of His selfless action of unconditional love, God becoming a man in order to know what earth-life really is like, outside of His physical presence.  This doesn't mean I am perfect or ever claim to be.  It just means I'm not using His name in vain, for my own selfish ambition, but out of thankfulness for being saved from my sorry self.

Religion is death.  Don't equate a relationship with God with the word "religion."

A relationship with Almighty God is awesome and intimate and holy and beautiful, and messy on our part, but moldable and completely attainable here on earth, not because of our actions or behaviors, but because God loves us, each of us, and extends that love and grace to us every day.

I mean, what would happen if there was a sudden and momentous change in the earth towards Love?  You know, praying in school, to God, doesn't hurt anyone.  It doesn't hurt anyone in any religion that does claim God.  And it won't hurt the people in school who don't believe in Him because it won't affect them, right?!  I mean, they don't think He's there, so, let's just bring it back.

I heard today that the Mayans never foresaw December 21st as a physical end of the world as we know it, but rather a spiritual end of the world.  Wow.  That's much more profound than all the previous town criers who have even written books or purchased air time for their untimely foreshadowing.

The world I live in today is in pain.  It's dark.  Sometimes it's difficult to see the Light, but He is there, shining, moving in hearts, one at a time.  I won't live in fear because I have hope and I know there's more to this life than what I see.

However, in the meantime, I live here.  I breathe the same air as Jesus once did and as horrible dictators do in war-torn countries.  We all spin on the same physical axis and orbit around the same sun, but we aren't all revolving around the same Love agenda.

We need to, though.  We need a Loveolution.  And we need one NOW.  No more wasting time.  The time is NOW to start loving God, loving ourselves, and loving our fellow man.

We need a Loveolution.

Love, SPREAD IT!

God's agenda has always been LOVE.  The Devil, on the other hand, has never been anything other than an asshole.

Hate evil.  Cling to what is good.  Do not live in fear but know that Perfect LOVE casts out all fear.

A LOVE REVOLUTION.  It's time we got started...

Where Lies Your Beauty?

Today, Em and Ry and I were walking through Walmart.  As we stopped to honk the bike horns on the aisle display, parked between youth men's clothing and the craft aisles, my eyes locked on the new Sport Illustrated swimsuit calendar, displayed right next to the Justin Bieber and Harry Potter posters.  Thankfully, come December 21st, all the "athletes" who purchased the calendar already, you know, for "sports" inspiration, oh wait, I mean for the articles, won't even get a chance to look at it each month.

photo "courtesy" of Sports Illustrated 2012 Swimsuit Issue #$%^&*

Tongue.  In.  Cheek.  If only the Mayans were right!  I'm looking forward to my destination...

This display, with two extra large calendars side by side, was at Ryan's eye level.  He was too busy honking the bike horns to notice.  Thank.  You.  Jesus.

However, Em's eyes went there and I caught it in the corner of my eye, taking mental note of her response.

We headed to the check out and then to the car.

Me:  Em, I know you saw that poster of the woman in a bathing suit.  What did you think about it?

Em:  I thought it was kind of weird.

Me:  Why did you think it was weird?

Em:  Why would you take a picture of a girl in a really small bathing suit like that?

Me:  There's a magazine called, "Sports Illustrated," that is supposed to be a magazine about sports.  You know, like football, basketball, baseball, soccer, tennis, swimming, lacrosse.  You know, sports.  But every year they have one publication dedicated entirely to women in their bathing suits.  What do you think about that?

Em:  What does that have to do with sports?

Me:  Uh-huh.  Who do you think might look at that particular magazine?

Em:  Someone who is kind of weird.

Me:  Actually, it could be anyone.  But do you think it's necessary or beneficial to the person looking at it?

Em:  No.  It could make them think all girls should look like that.

Me:  Some religions have gone to the extreme to make women cover themselves, as not to draw attention to their outward beauty.  There is nothing wrong with being beautiful.  God made us that way.  But there's a problem in our culture, in particular, Em.  Some women don't know they are beautiful.  They believe that what shows on the outside is what matters, and by wearing very little they will get the attention or approval of men.  Our culture has gone to the extreme by encouraging women to wear very little, focusing on our outward appearance.  What do you think about that?

Em:  I want people to know me and love me for who I am on the inside.

Me:  Yeah, me too.  There's nothing wrong with wearing a bathing suit, Em.  Please don't hear that.  What I'm trying to say, that's difficult to understand, is some people look at models and then compare themselves to them, wishing they were like them, assuming they are perfect.  Mommy felt badly about herself for years because I believed in my head those girls were prettier than me.  And, then other people might compare the people in their lives to the women in the calendar, wishing their wife or girlfriend was more like her.  Some guys then get feelings for the women in the magazine and want to be married to them, wishing they could have sex with them, instead of their own wife.  What do you think about that?

Em:  That's really sad.

Me:  Em, God made you.  He made all of us with unique gifts and strengths, and we are all beautiful.  It's the world that has tainted that beauty.  I mean, it's so messed up, Em.  Take, for example, chips.  Some companies have hired a beautiful woman with big boobs and very little clothing to eat chips in their commercial.  I'm not sure what that has to do with chips, but it sells because guys watching the commercial are drawn to the sexuality of the woman.  What do you think about that?

Em:  I think she ate too many chips and her boobs got fat.

Me:  (*note to self:  save breast implant conversation for another day...dear God!)

Me:  Em, the point is:  our beauty comes from inside.  Some people have tried to make women into objects of beauty, just by focusing on our outward appearance.  We are a bigger deal than just gorgeousness!  We are brilliant, smart, kind, and we can change the world!  Literally!  We are not simply objects and our beauty isn't just on the outside.  If it is, we're in big trouble because we get wrinkly and crunchy with time :)  There's nothing wrong with being beautiful, Em.  Period.  But do you think a guy looking at a magazine full of women who are barely covered makes him want to be a better man to God, his wife, and his kids?  Or to his future wife?

Em:  I think the calendar is stupid.

Girlfriends are MANDATORY!

I just got back from Austin, Texas, where I took part in a girls weekend.  Two friends from college, one from the East Coast, another from the West, dreamed it up and decided to invite their friends from around the country to meet in the middle.  Those friends invited friends, and so on, and so forth…

When I originally received the “Save the Date” I thought, “Man, this sounds like so much fun, but: I only know two of the women, I can’t technically afford to go, and what do I do with the kids?”  

I will say this; only knowing two of the women wasn’t enough of a roadblock.  I love women and love meeting new women and hearing their stories…it’s what makes my heart beat, it’s the whole emphasis of my non-profit, Bevy…but, I am a tight wad when it comes to money.  

Okay, so I’m not a tight wad.  I love to share and I think it’s fun to treat others to meals and such, but I don’t like to be a financial burden to my family.  As a wife and mom who stays at home, it’s important to me to financially steward our cash flow (Doing FPU right now...more on that later...).  So yeah, not to sound like a martyr or burden, but I’m not a huge fan of spending moo-lah on myself when I think of all the other ways it could be spent.  Whah, whah.

 

Anyway…I have to say, the “what do I do with the kids?” question left my mind about as quickly as it entered.  I’m not bragging in the sense of, “In YO FACE!” but my husband really does indeed ROCK.  I knew if I talked to him about this retreat and told him I really wanted to go and felt like I was supposed to be there, he would work with me to make it happen, which would include him making some sacrifices and working from home for at least part of my weekend away.  He knows how much I love to be with girlfriends.

The necessary self-portrait

Where cowboy boots are king...and girls night out mandatory!

With Kim and Jessica, the two friends with "Insane Courage!"

After our time with Kristin

Meeting another bereaved momma-friend

I can’t really explain why I felt like I was supposed to go to this girls’ weekend away, but I knew I wasn’t invited on accident and that whomever God would introduce me to over the course of the time away would fill my heart and inspire me to keep pressing on with the dreams God has put upon my heart for years now.

I can’t even begin to put into words all the things the Lord did in my heart over the course of one hot, but beautiful weekend in Austin.  I’m still processing much of it.  One thing that blessed my heart was the fact that I got to just show up.  I feel like a bit of a slacker writing that previous sentence, but I’ve been a leader among my peers and in women’s groups for as long as I can remember.  I’ve only been to one other retreat that I didn’t plan…and that was 8 years ago.  Ironically, I received the “Save the Date” from my friends, Kim and Jessica, the week after I cancelled a Midwest Bevy Retreat.  It seems I was due for a retreat, but not one I would have to plan or organize. 

I showed up with expectations.  Not expectations of people or that I’d be entertained all weekend, but anticipation of God’s hand in our time together, and for what each of us would take away.  I prayed a lot during the months leading up to September 6-9.  Prayers for my friends who were coordinating the weekend, prayers for Kristin Armstrong who shared with us on Saturday, prayers for all the women whom I had never met but whose stories I would get to hear throughout the weekend, prayers for my girlfriend living in Austin who would join me in the adventure, and prayers for my own heart to take it all in, hear God’s direction and purpose for my life, and to JUST BE!

The weekend exceeded my expectations!  It was a little tough to transition back into my "day to day extraordinary life", but not without hope or a course of action to move forward with dreams He has placed on my heart.

I'm just thankful to Kim and Jessica who took Matt Damon's advice and went for it!

I'm so grateful God knew what my heart needed even more than I did...He's BIG that way!

*What will it take for you and your girlfriends to realize time together isn't a luxury but rather mandatory for your heart?!

The night before I left for my trip, Jason and I had a heart to heart in the corner of the kitchen.  I will share more on that tomorrow…

A Letter to my Friend...

...or you, but either way, I wanted to share:

Hey friend!  I'm sorry you are wrestling right now, though I'm not, because wrestling w/self and God aren't the worst things in the world...it means He is there to wrestle with...and that's good, even when it sucks.

God never "comes and goes."  He is always.  He remains.  We are the only ones who wain.  And it's okay to be tired, but that also shows you are "trying" instead of "being."  God wants you to be....wants you to rest in Him...lean into Him...trust He is good...His love for you is not performance based...those are lies of American Church culture, not a relationship with Jesus Christ.

Here's the thing:  in the Garden, the greatest deception wasn't just getting those guys to eat an apple and have their eyes opened to see good and evil...the deception which has remained since that day is the Devil's victory to take our hearts and minds to a place where instead of knowing beyond all doubt that God is good and great and loving all the time, we wonder if He really is...because bad things happen or because our lives don't look like we planned or because we don't always feel His presence or hear His voice clearly or know the next step to take.  So, what could be a deep rooted peace beyond all comprehension, even in the midst of life and personal hell here on earth, is tangled in a web of trying to behave a certain way, do good things, and convincing ourselves that He is a good God who loves us, when in fact, that is Who He is...always and forever.

He already said He loves us.  He already established that truth when He designed us in His image and wanted to hang out with us.

When the Bible says that Satan has a time or dominion here on the earth for a season, I believe it has everything to do with the battle going on over each and every one of us, the battle to keep us believing God is out to get us and is a conditional God...he twists the truth to keep us living in fear, but it's his own fear he's projecting on us...does this make sense?  Because Satan knows his time is short...

We weren't designed to be perfect, though we were made in the image of a perfect God.  We were designed to simply be with Him...to be His friends...to live in fellowship and relationship, not isolation.  I'm speaking to myself as I'm coming out of a season of isolation and loneliness where little pieces of my heart were dark and hidden, hidden because I believed the lies he was telling me that I had to be perfect, you know, because everyone else is perfect, obviously...

Every. Single. Story. in the Bible is about an imperfect person, rough on the edges, who did great things or lived by faith, not of their own amazingness or perfection but because of who God was in them, in spite of them, calling them to simply trust that He may know what He's doing on a bigger scale.

I love you and am so very grateful God has reunited us at this time in our lives.  He's been placing you on my heart a lot lately, maybe because we are similar in many ways or maybe just because you are a wonderful woman to love...either way, I'm praying for you, friend, as only an imperfect friend can do...

Loving yourself is a one day at a time thing...sometimes one hour at a time...I'm walking it, too.

Following God does carry responsibility...I often feel like I've failed Him on so many levels and on a daily basis b/c I haven't saved every. single. person. in my neighborhood or city or state, or the southwest region of the USA, or the Lower 48...etc, etc.  There are days where I think more about my ruined garden, dirty toilet, if I ate too many pistachios, or what to make for dinner than changing the world or living a selfless life.

We all suck at life.  At least when we weigh ourselves against the world's standards on any given topic.  There will always be someone smarter, richer, more generous, more selfless, more compassionate, more relatable, wiser, more thoughtful, etc, etc.  Does that mean we suck entirely?  Nope.  We don't suck entirely.  We make mistakes.  We say we are sorry.  We take responsibility for our own actions, stop blaming others or comparing ourselves to others, and we pick ourselves up and keep on going one foot in front of the other...trusting God will lead us...if we seek Him.  We have to seek Him to find Him, but He said we'd find Him if we indeed seek Him...


Friend, He made you on purpose for a purpose...not some pie in the sky purpose you'll one day wake up and see and be able to boast in, but a day to day walk carried out in simplicity, not defined by the standards of the world but shaped and designed by the very Creator of the Universe to be stealthy and filled with His love to those around you...and His love for you.  Big love.

Anyway, sorry this is haphazard and random...just some thoughts God put on my heart for you today.  I sure love you and am grateful for your life!  I know you have a lot on your plate right now...just know you are in my prayers and I am here for you whenever I'm not sleeping ;)  Just kidding!  I totally love you!  xoxox

Thoughts on Dying and Living

As I sat across my davenport from a friend, a fellow bereaved mum, I listened to her heart and shared her tears as she told the stories of losing 3 of her grown children.  I will not share her story because it is hers to share...

One thing we talked about, though, was the "How?"

Yesterday as Emily and Ryan and I left a store, there were several emergency vehicles in the next parking row, helping whomever it was who needed help.  There were employees of the store directing traffic in the opposite direction of the situation.  We headed to our car, and as we walked, we prayed for the person laying on the ground.  We also prayed for the rescue team as they cared for the person in need.

As we backed out of our spot and headed up the row I literally had to wait for a woman steering her cart serpentine like down the center of the driving lane, craning her neck, not watching where she was going, but trying to see what was going on in the other parking row.

Really?  Really?

I know the woman was curious as to the "What?" in the situation, like what happened? or how did this happen?  We are curious people.  And we are not bad or wrong for wanting to know.

Heck, when Noah was in the hospital, I asked the question, "But WHY?" for 5+ months.  Not "Why?" like, why me?  why my son?  but, "Ok, so his test results are inconclusive...he is dying...his DNA is normal...but again, he's dying...why?"

Remember "Speed" and the vanilla flavored acting of Keanu Reeves?  The people were all on the bus yelling, "We're all gonna die!  We're all gonna die!"

I think of this scene, and many like it being played out in real life around the world under different circumstances, and I do wonder if this is the first realization a person in the scenario has had that they, indeed, are going to die.  

Everyone.  Is.  Going.  To.  Die.

But it's the "How?" that often catches us off guard, sweeps our legs, and leaves us feeling as if it came out of nowhere.  Because we weren't ready for it?

And it's the "When?", too.  My friend said she asked God about the timing of her children's deaths.  One in his 20's, the other two teenagers.  My son was 7 months old.  My friend's dad was 61.  My friend's daughter 1 hour.  My friend's mom in her early 40's.  My Grandmas in their 90's.  My father-in-law, 49.  My friend's husband, 34.

When we read "90" in the obituaries, we don't really ask why?  We may ask how? but, for the most part, their death isn't the result of a skiing accident, though anything is possible.

The nature of us, though, wants to know the how? and why? when we read the other ages.

And we are taken aback.  Struck with disbelief in some cases.  Sorting feelings of unfairness and pounding our fists about timing.  "A life cut short."  "Such a tragedy!"  "They had so much more life to live..."

If God really is Who He says He is, and He really does know the number of our days here on Earth, and He designed us with beauty in mind, and a purpose, and for a display of His splendor...well, this causes me to believe He isn't taken aback by the how? or the when?

Please understand, I am NOT saying He is the instigator of the how?  Please read Job for further insight here.  I personally believe God left the book of Job in the Bible on purpose so we could see just how sick and twisted the Devil really is at trying to tear our hearts away from the Unconditionally Loving God who created us.  (This will have to be another post entirely.)

What the heck is my point here?

Well, we can live the rest of our lives broken, torn, our hearts tragically ripped open because of our inability to fully ever comprehend the how? and the why? and the when?

Or, we can live the rest of our lives profoundly impacted by the beautiful people we once knew who have gone before us into everlasting life.

And we can carry their hearts, passions, gifts, character, and strengths in our lives as we choose to be better people because of them.

We can celebrate their heroics.  We can allow smiles to grace our faces, even in the midst of sorrow, as we remember something funny they once did, and not feel guilty about it.  We can rejoice that no matter the amount of time, whether in pregnancy or 50+ years later, we were once a "Mom" and will ALWAYS be a mom, no matter where our children dwell.  It will wear the title, "Bereaved, Grieved, Widowed," and it will have aches, pains, and heart wrenching yearning.

But what if we had never met them in the first place?

As a bereaved parent, a grieved friend, a person who has kissed death on the lips, I don't want to imagine my life never having known the people I loved who have died.

My life is richer because of them.  

And in pain and grief, there is healing knowing each person we meet on our way truly is a gift to us from the very hand of God, no matter how long they are called to walk the Earth.

*In memory of men I never knew:  Luke Sheets, Stephen Luth, Garrett Coble, and Austin Anderson
*In honor of Hannah Luce AND all the surviving families, friends, and loved ones:  we are constantly praying for you...He still has you here on purpose.  Never give up hope!