When Dreams Come True

Jason and I took Dave Ramsey's "Financial Peace University"class recently.  All I can say is literally every person should take this class at some point in their existence.  There would be no financial issues on this earth or in any government.  Just sayin'.

That being said, one of our cash envelopes is set aside each week for eating out.  I've enjoyed this because prior to Dave's class, we ate out a ton and our monthly budget seemed to be slipping through our fingers.  Plus, my thighs were bigger.

Now we stick with our "Eating Out" budget and it's like money has magically appeared in our bank account.  Crazy stuff.  I now believe in magic.

And I'm using my treadmill more and lifting weights, so that's likely why my thighs aren't as large.

White man overbite, November 2012

Anyway, I love our little "Eating Out" envelope.  Every once in a while when Ryan and I are out on the town running errands we'll stop for a lunch date at our favorite spot and use about $8.00 of our "Eating Out" budget.  A couple of months ago there was a sunny warm day and Ryan was a hungry little lion, so we headed over to our favorite spot, ordered, got our food, and found a cozy 2-top outside in the sunshine where we shared our plate of goodness.

It didn't occur to me then.  Nor had it occurred to me all the other times the two of us had shared a lunch date at this same little place...

Fast forward to a few weeks ago when the whole family was running errands.  It was my turn to choose our lunch spot.  We rotate who gets to choose where we are eating among Jason, Emily and myself.

I chose "Garbanzo's".

And as I spooned a mouthful of hummus into Ryan's sweet little lips, I realized a dream of mine had already come true.  And as we shared the last falafel, I knew it had...

He may not have dark hair yet.  And at 3 feet, he certainly doesn't tower over his mama, either.

But, I am so very grateful that unknowingly, Ryan and I found our favorite spot, and it's there where we laugh and cry, or whine, over falafels.

Birthday Eve

I started a tradition after Noah died to take a picture of Emily on the day prior to her birthday.  Let's just say it was my feeble attempt to make time stand still in the midst of her speedy growth cycle.  It's been fun to look back over the years and watch her grow.

Here is Em's brief history:

This is what the eve of 3 years old looked like...

Hanging with her friend, Annabel, on our lawn in Denver in 2006, about to turn 4.

South Dakota birthday with her long-haired daddy in 2007, eve of 5.

Still "5" in this picture on the eve of her 6th...

Wow, from 6 to 7 brought a lot of growth!

Preggers mom and our 7 year and 364 day old sunkissed daughter, eve of 8

Holy long hair, BatGirl, eve of 9.  And DANG!  my hubby is still the hottest man in my whole wide world in 2011!

The night before double digits.  She's still "9" here, people...I have birthday pictures to prove she turned 10, but haven't posted yet...still in denial, maybe?!

So, that was Em's birthday eve journey.

Ryan's has clearly been shorter.  However, it's been longer than his brother's, and for that I can't even begin to express my gratitude.  To be real honest with *you* I was too weirded out last year to make a big "to-do" about Ryan's first birthday.  There were a lot of "firsts" we got to experience with him and I think his first birthday just snuck up on me before I had the chance to really know what was happening.  I think even part of me was afraid to celebrate his birthday.  Losing a child can mess with your head and heart a little, maybe?!

But this year is a different story.

Ryan turns "2" tomorrow, August 28th.  His birthday "eve" journey has been shorter than his sis' but we made up for it in the kitchen tonight as I tried to get self-portraits of the two of us.  Daddy's in the Dominican Republic for work so self-portrait was the best we could do (Em was brushing her teeth upstairs...)  Anyway, thankfully, since he's only turning "2" and won't remember that his dad was out of town on the 28th, we're officially celebrating this coming weekend.

But, in the meantime, I had to capture Ryan's 2nd "Birthday Eve."

Ryan's original "birthday eve..."

No "eve" here...this is the real deal.  Ryan's birthday, August 28th, 2010

Looking through pics I didn't capture his 364th day, so here's his official "1st Birthday"

Fast forward to August 27th, 2012...my little lover turns "2" tomorrow!

I don't ever want to cut his curls!  What am I to do!?  Some old man already called him a girl the other day!  But I can't get myself to cut his curls off!

Cracking up!  I could listen to him laugh ALL.  DAY.  LONG!

Look at all those teeth he grew in the last year!

"It's my last day to be "1."  Tomorrow I turn "2."

I'm so in love with you, son.  I'm in love with your curls, your laugh, your voice.  I could nibble your ears, cheeks, and lips all day long.  Your toes warm my heart and I catch my breath in awe and joy that your head fits perfectly in the crook of my neck.  You are my little boy and you bring me so much joy.  Thank you for calling me MOMMY.

"Of all the boys in the world, there's no other boy like Ryan...
And everything that he does is cool just because he's Ryan...
Whenever he's around, he can turn your frown upside down...
He'll lift you straight off the ground, he's a candy colored clown...
He's a lot like his dad, he's totally rad, he's Ryan...
If you only knew...if you only knew him like I do, you'd feel the same way, too, because he's too good to be true...
Ryan...there's nobody else like Ryan...a sweet little boy named Ryan...there's nobody else like him..."
(my remix of a song that actually had Em's name in it on a CD long ago...I sing this to him at night along with some old school Jesus songs and Edelweiss and Favorite Things from Sound of Music...)

Happy Birthday Eve, Lover!  I can't wait to celebrate with you tomorrow!

Thoughts on Dying and Living

As I sat across my davenport from a friend, a fellow bereaved mum, I listened to her heart and shared her tears as she told the stories of losing 3 of her grown children.  I will not share her story because it is hers to share...

One thing we talked about, though, was the "How?"

Yesterday as Emily and Ryan and I left a store, there were several emergency vehicles in the next parking row, helping whomever it was who needed help.  There were employees of the store directing traffic in the opposite direction of the situation.  We headed to our car, and as we walked, we prayed for the person laying on the ground.  We also prayed for the rescue team as they cared for the person in need.

As we backed out of our spot and headed up the row I literally had to wait for a woman steering her cart serpentine like down the center of the driving lane, craning her neck, not watching where she was going, but trying to see what was going on in the other parking row.

Really?  Really?

I know the woman was curious as to the "What?" in the situation, like what happened? or how did this happen?  We are curious people.  And we are not bad or wrong for wanting to know.

Heck, when Noah was in the hospital, I asked the question, "But WHY?" for 5+ months.  Not "Why?" like, why me?  why my son?  but, "Ok, so his test results are inconclusive...he is dying...his DNA is normal...but again, he's dying...why?"

Remember "Speed" and the vanilla flavored acting of Keanu Reeves?  The people were all on the bus yelling, "We're all gonna die!  We're all gonna die!"

I think of this scene, and many like it being played out in real life around the world under different circumstances, and I do wonder if this is the first realization a person in the scenario has had that they, indeed, are going to die.  

Everyone.  Is.  Going.  To.  Die.

But it's the "How?" that often catches us off guard, sweeps our legs, and leaves us feeling as if it came out of nowhere.  Because we weren't ready for it?

And it's the "When?", too.  My friend said she asked God about the timing of her children's deaths.  One in his 20's, the other two teenagers.  My son was 7 months old.  My friend's dad was 61.  My friend's daughter 1 hour.  My friend's mom in her early 40's.  My Grandmas in their 90's.  My father-in-law, 49.  My friend's husband, 34.

When we read "90" in the obituaries, we don't really ask why?  We may ask how? but, for the most part, their death isn't the result of a skiing accident, though anything is possible.

The nature of us, though, wants to know the how? and why? when we read the other ages.

And we are taken aback.  Struck with disbelief in some cases.  Sorting feelings of unfairness and pounding our fists about timing.  "A life cut short."  "Such a tragedy!"  "They had so much more life to live..."

If God really is Who He says He is, and He really does know the number of our days here on Earth, and He designed us with beauty in mind, and a purpose, and for a display of His splendor...well, this causes me to believe He isn't taken aback by the how? or the when?

Please understand, I am NOT saying He is the instigator of the how?  Please read Job for further insight here.  I personally believe God left the book of Job in the Bible on purpose so we could see just how sick and twisted the Devil really is at trying to tear our hearts away from the Unconditionally Loving God who created us.  (This will have to be another post entirely.)

What the heck is my point here?

Well, we can live the rest of our lives broken, torn, our hearts tragically ripped open because of our inability to fully ever comprehend the how? and the why? and the when?

Or, we can live the rest of our lives profoundly impacted by the beautiful people we once knew who have gone before us into everlasting life.

And we can carry their hearts, passions, gifts, character, and strengths in our lives as we choose to be better people because of them.

We can celebrate their heroics.  We can allow smiles to grace our faces, even in the midst of sorrow, as we remember something funny they once did, and not feel guilty about it.  We can rejoice that no matter the amount of time, whether in pregnancy or 50+ years later, we were once a "Mom" and will ALWAYS be a mom, no matter where our children dwell.  It will wear the title, "Bereaved, Grieved, Widowed," and it will have aches, pains, and heart wrenching yearning.

But what if we had never met them in the first place?

As a bereaved parent, a grieved friend, a person who has kissed death on the lips, I don't want to imagine my life never having known the people I loved who have died.

My life is richer because of them.  

And in pain and grief, there is healing knowing each person we meet on our way truly is a gift to us from the very hand of God, no matter how long they are called to walk the Earth.

*In memory of men I never knew:  Luke Sheets, Stephen Luth, Garrett Coble, and Austin Anderson
*In honor of Hannah Luce AND all the surviving families, friends, and loved ones:  we are constantly praying for you...He still has you here on purpose.  Never give up hope!

Today is a Beautiful Day

Husband got home last night from England.

Saw two rainbows yesterday.

Sun is shining hot and bright today.

Going to make a great meal tonight that we eat outside on the new patio.

Jason's taking the day off.

Em's taking a half day off school.

Giving Em a fresh pack of chewing gum...since Noah doesn't chew it...and this would be his year to finally start!



We're headed to the pool...

...because 4 years later, that's what Noah would be doing...



...playing with his big sister and chewing gum at the pool on his birthday.



I can't believe how much Em has grown in the last 4 years...I am only left to imagine how he would have grown...

Happy Birthday, sweet guy! Celebrate the way God intended! We love and miss you...but you probably know that...

Sweet Guy...

January 12th, in the wee hours of the morning

God, I'm not really sure how it all works...well, obviously, but especially concerning my son, who is in Your full-time care...You see, I love him. And I know You do, too, and that is why he is free and healthy in Your presence, but You know, You don't always work the way I think You should, and, honestly, I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in that sentiment...Believe me, Lord, I know that You are good. I love You and have more faith in You today than yesterday and yesterday more than the day before. I know You know that we here don't get it. I know You know we can't see the bigger picture. I know there is more living to be done, in Your presence, and this place is temporary. I guess I just want to say, "Thank You" for not allowing us to have to live this side of Heaven without You. All the stuff I don't get, I lay at Your feet...that's where faith enters in. But seriously, having a son of my own, I don't know how You did it, but I am eternally grateful You did, because without Christ, I wouldn't have the hope of one day living in Your presence...and now, one day, claiming my treasure stored up in Heaven. Thank You.

P.S. You know the routine...

First, kiss the bridge of his nose where my lips fit perfectly (Yours probably do, too, I'm guessing...), then each cheek, his lips, his eyes, his forehead, nibble each ear lobe, his toes, his fingers, elbows, knees, his belly...make silly sounds on his belly and his neck, please...back up to the bridge, repeat all steps, repeat all steps, enjoy, Lord...enjoy...because I miss him and everything I have is in black and white or one dimensional...You have the real thing...he must be pretty amazing...

I have cankles!

Thank you, everyone, for the opportunity to walk for a cure! I truly do have cankles (swollen ankles), but there are worse things, right? And, you know how your great grandma's feet have hundreds of broken capillaries...yeah, well, I'm not even a grandma, but apparently my feet didn't get the memo!

Our team was wonderful! Brittany, Catherine, and Dana kept me motivated throughout the streets of NYC. They literally had us walking all over the island of Manhattan, Lower West Side, Upper West Side, Harlem, Columbia University, all the way down to Greenwich Village, SoHo, Chelsea, East Village, NYU, over the Brooklyn Bridge, back over the Manhattan Bridge, Chinatown, up the East Side, past the UN, then over to Randall Island where the 26.2 mile marker was, and a hot dinner waiting. Unfortunately, since it's a walk, not a run, and not a race, they didn't block off any streets for us, so, we had to walk on side walks, dodge in and out of pedestrians, stop at intersections and crosswalks, and be in a constant stop and go pattern. None of us expected that, nor trained that way, so that took a toll on our parts, but we encouraged each other that, obviously, like anyone, we'd rather have strained body parts and stress fractures than go through chemotherapy or radiation...

I know posting after the fact is anti-climatic, but Internet access was nil. And then, I have only two pictures from day two of the walk because my camera went to electronics heaven at mile 4 of 13! Rude!

Below are some highlights from the walk. Thank you all, again, for the privilege of being able to walk for a cure in memory and honor of you and your loved ones. God opened our hearts and eyes to the lives of the people around us, knowing that each one of the 4500+ walking represented a story of courage, endurance, tragedy, hope and perseverance. As we walked I said to my team that one of my prayers was that for each one we walked for, the ripple effect of God's love would truly inspire others to share their stories for the glory of God.

This guy was out supporting his wife...there were several men who were actually walking all alone...the lump in my throat got tighter each time we'd approach one, just speculating their stories...
This guy's pins were for sale for $3.00 a piece. He kept showing up on different street corners over the two days, in different outfits, to encourage and cheer us on toward the goal.
Here we are braving an early morning NY cab. Even when no cars were around at 5:30 am, the cabbie zipped in and out of lanes and slammed on his brakes. Apparently driving in a straight line is boring? It was adventure at its best!
"For all the awesome people in blog world and beyond - Noah for Knockers: Saving them 2x2 Ade xoxox" That's what I wrote on the two story inflatable tower they had at the start of the day.
These towers travel to each city where Avon Walks take place.
At the crack of dawn...actually, before that...
Group stretch. I know...you are supposed to warm up before you stretch, but this was more about bonding, really. The woman in the hot pink sweatshirt and pink hood right there was walking alone...as a survivor.

Mile 7 was significant to me because Noah lived for 7 months.
One "Riesen" to walk: for a cure.
Elmo was at Madison Square Garden.
We walked too quickly past this building for me to see a name, but maybe one of you can tell me what it was...it was down by the Brooklyn Bridge.

Crossing over the Brooklyn Bridge.
My family and my boy at my back, pushing me onward over the Manhattan Bridge.
North of Chinatown you can find this colorful crew playing bike polo while shouting obscenities. It was quite the exciting spot to stop for a stretch. In Chinatown, one woman stopped to stretch and got whacked with a broom by an old woman.
The UN, where, well, pretty important conversations take place, you know!?

Some fraternity boys who came out to cheer us on!
Gracious enough to pose with this old lady! (To think...18 years ago, which is half my life, I was as young as these guys!)
My older sister, Ashley, walked the last 6 miles with us on the first day. Go Ashes!
We made it to the Wellness Village on Randall Island around 5:30 pm for dinner. That's right, folks...we left Pier 84 at around 7:45 am and proceeded to walk for over 10 hours. In training, Dana and I walked at 4 to 4.3 mph, stopping each hour to eat and stretch. We also didn't have to stop for street lights or weave in and out of people. As we were finishing up the last mile my sister played "Pride" on her phone for us as we weren't allowed to have headphones on during the walk! I can't even tell you how much music made a difference! It was a long day, but we did it as a team and we hope we made you all proud!

On Sunday morning it was raining but by the time we got on the course it had stopped. We booked it on Sunday and finished almost 3 hours before the closing ceremony. I have to admit that around mile 4 on Sunday my right foot was bothering me, but I thought if I just walked through the pain, it would help it stretch out and warm up...well, Sunday was the reason for my broken blood vessels, swollen ankles, and possible stress fracture. Again, not as bad as having to endure a disease without a cure...

I have stories of talking to strangers and sharing God's love over the course of the weekend, but will share at another time. As far as processing goes, I am still praying about all I feel God showed me on this trip. For now though, I just wanted you to know how grateful I am to God and thankful I am for your support in this endeavor. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

More to follow...

Check this out:



http://cw2.trb.com/



Click on: Mom marks one year anniversary of son's death



Here's the transcript:



http://cw2.trb.com/news/kwgn-locks-of-love-group-donation,0,1145518.story?coll=kwgn-home-2



I'll post pictures of our before and after shots soon. I actually didn't personally take pictures because I was walking around, looking at my friends cutting their hair off to remember Noah and humbly thanking God for blessing me with such wonderful women in my life...



Jason and Em and I had a good day together with family and friends. We received many cards, emails, beautiful floral bouquets, and loving gifts. We are so thankful so many were celebrating Noah's first year in heaven along with us. One gift we received wrecked me, but in a wonderful way...Jason's sister sent 'The Velveteen Rabbit' book along with a sweet little stuffed rabbit. It was the first time I really saw that story for what it is worth. Of all days, yesterday should have been the day to start wearing waterproof mascara, but why start now?!



As far as one year goes, the reality is, it is just another measure of time. I didn't miss Noah more yesterday than I had the day prior or less than I will in 3 weeks from now. One thing, however, that was poignant were the vivid memories of what we were doing minute by minute one year ago. Everything from our photo sessions to Jason and I sleeping with Noah between us his last night, and then our last night in the hospital with him, lying still amongst his stuffed animals, free from all of his wires and tubes, was fresh in my mind.



The irony is that the reality of this whole journey is often surreal. The further I get from the day he died, I have to pinch myself and ask God if Noah was really here or if that was all some strange dream in bizarro world. I know it sounds weird. I am sure anyone who has experienced a loss feels the same way at times. Anyway, celebrating the day Noah entered eternity by cutting our hair to help other sick kids and children with cleft palates...well, I don't think Noah would have wanted it any other way.

Friends are Good for the Heart

We had no sunsets in Dallas, but the 'physical' therapy was well worth it. We got to spend some quality time with old friends that lost their dad/husband just one month before Noah died. We hadn't gotten to be together, so hugging, crying and late night talks were on the agenda, along with good meals and time by the pool. We then headed down to Baylor to see old friends that had literally moved there from CA just 3 days prior. We met 12 years ago in Minneapolis where Dave and I worked together. There was a group of 5 of us couples that did life together, Bible study, fun meals, weekends away. Anyway, in one weekend (we flew in and out of Mpls) we were able to see 3 of those couples and their kids. *(One couple moved up to WI with their beautiful kids. We hear he's gone 'Grizzly Adams' with a full beard, flannel, building a log house, eating Muskies raw...JK) Anyway, Saturday the 21st we drove from Waco back up to Dallas, hopped on the plane, got into Mpls late, checked into our hotel, then ran over to St. Anthony Main to join Jason's sister and her husband and some friends for the greatest fireworks around! It was a long day but Em was a trooper and the fireworks and popcorn made for a good distraction.

We're back in SD as of the middle of last night and I'm looking forward to what kind of sunset God has on the horizon tonight. I'm going to be sharing some of my journey and Noah's story with the ladies this Thursday night, the 26th, at 7:00pm at Family Worship Center Foursquare Church in Watertown if anyone is interested. Please pray for me as I venture more into this avenue of sharing. Last night after we grabbed a bite of dinner on our way out of town, I shared with some complete strangers in the parking lot the story of Noah and our hope in the Lord. They had a sweet 8 month old boy with blond hair and big blue eyes that kept staring at me and smiling. Anyway, Jason asked me if sharing Noah's story was therapeutic for me. I said that it is because it is also an open door to share the gospel of Christ. I have found that a lot of different things have proven 'therapeutic' for me in healing the pain of missing Noah. Sitting with old friends for the last week and a half was definitely good for my soul...