Fear Has No Future

Jason and I celebrated 20 years of marriage in June, but since January, we've been dreaming and planning out the details for a trip to Spain, just the two of us.  We have spent hours and hours looking through books, reading reviews, mapping out our adventures, talking about it on date nights, road trips, in bed at night.

The destination and trip itself will be awesome, no doubt, but dreaming and anticipating have been part of the fun, as well.

Picture from AskFranciso

Except for the part where we realized it was about time to write out a Will and Trust...that part took the spark out of the trip, at least for me, for a good week.  My sinuses were clogged and swollen from crying, imagining not being the ones to raise our children, these gifts God loves more, but has graciously entrusted to us to love, nurture, and fan to flame the awesomeness God placed within each of them...

...and I almost cancelled.

"Sweetheart, we can just get a hotel downtown for the weekend..."  Forget the part that I've dreamed of going to Spain ever since I was in college when Profesora Calderon first sparked my romance with the language and country.  Forget about how we were going to do this trip for our 15th but then Jason lost his job and we knew it probably wasn't financially wise to travel on "credit."

I have come to terms, as I have for years, but clearly needed a reminder, that God knows the number of our days.  It doesn't do me or anyone else any good to live in fear of the "what if's?"

There is no freedom in fear, nor is there a future.  I knew a 90-something year old who harbored many fears...sure, in years, she lived a long life, but she was crippled by her fears, not experiencing what freedom in God's love has to offer in a full life.

I have spent many hours praying and pleading, asking God to be gracious to our family and reunite us again to continue to live out the purpose He has for us on this earth...and I trust Him and have peace this will be the case...

So, do I hope to relax, sleep a little longer, go on 24-hour dates for two weeks straight with my husband, in a beautiful country, surrounded by people God created, all rich with stories, experience the smells, sights, make new memories, and see pretty much the whole countryside of Spain?  Yeah.  I do. And I'll miss my kids like crazy, wondering what they are doing at such and such a time.

But this is good for my marriage, a celebration of friendship and love and thankfulness, and it will be good.

If this were my last post, on this blog, ever, not just my last post prior to leaving for our trip to Spain, I'd want to leave the world with this:

God is totally, completely, 100% in love with you.  Don't try to understand it, just accept it.  Please stop looking around at all that is wrong in the world, in yourself, and everyone else.  Instead, find the good and as you do, allow your eyes to be turned upward to look at The One who made you, to see it as an expression of His love to a broken world.  He knows you intimately, has good in store, like deep down heart-good, and He sees a bigger picture which your head and heart are now allowed to contain at this time.  He loves you.  Love begets love...not war, back-biting, gossip, slander, politics, isolationism, competition, or elitism, nor pride or self-seeking. Love begets love, and God. Is. Love. He is love and is in love with you, totally, completely, 100%.

That's all...

(*We may blog from Spain, but the #loneviajera won't be alone...watch for it, and for a super fun blog by this girl, one of our date nights in Barcelona...)

A Whole Lotta Tongue in Cheek

Recently someone I know posted a picture of himself being baptized as an infant.  His caption had some sort of smart ass sentiment about "water boarding" and "for shame...I was just a baby." 

It got me thinking.  I started attending church at the same age he was in the picture.  That was about 41 years ago.  And church has looked like many different things over that time, including the last two years where I haven't gone to church really at all...

Why did my parents do it?  Why was I given a head bath at a mass in 1972 in Ohio, one winter day?  Why did they choose Catholic over Lutheran over Episcopalian over Baptist over some other brand name denomination?  Why did I go to CCD, First Confession, First Communion, Confirmation?  Why did we give thanks before meals, pray before bed, talk about our problems and apologize, talk to God and about Him with one another?  Was it just so I could wear pretty dresses once a week?  Was it strictly out of social obligation?  Was it because our grandparents expected it or to escape the gates of hell?  Why did we "leave" the local catholic church, anyway, and how is it we wound up in the different kinds of churches since then?  How come some people danced and clapped their hands while others were solemn? 

One attribute I wholeheartedly embrace as a middle-child is that of peace maker.  I will believe the best in you to a fault, and so, I imagine that next to historical conviction, my parents raised me with faith not to cram their own beliefs down my throat or so us girls would fit a mold and be perfect, but so we would always hear from them and know from God that God is good, God made us, He loves us without condition and wants us to love others the same way because life is complicated, messy, and painful, and that He will come back for us one day, which is a good thing, not scary.

I've heard there are worse things parents can do to a child...I'm grateful my parents chose this form of "abuse" as some would see it. 

How tragic...a child was raised with loving parents who made mistakes and were learning it as they went along seeking Wisdom smarter than themselves, but deep down, at the end of each day, knew God was real even though she couldn't see Him, and that He loved her.  For shame...

The peacemaker middle-child in me isn't a score keeper.  On our family faith journey we haven't always done everything right.  On my personal journey with the Lord, I couldn't even begin to tell you all the mistakes I have made...you can do the math:  I dedicated my life to serving the Lord on May 10, 1987...if on average I screwed up 3 dozen times a day, to be conservative, that adds up to a whole lotta thankfulness for Grace and Forgiveness, that's all I know.

Last night Emily and I snuggled on the couch and watched, "Parental Guidance."  All parents and kids should see this film together.  There are some fabulous lessons all around.  In one scene Billy Crystal and Marisa Tomei, father and daughter in the film, are in the kitchen late at night after the culmination of a weeks worth of fighting and disagreements and misunderstandings and major underlying passive aggressive anger from the past.  The film is a comedy, but I was bawling.  Tomei's character had set up her life in such a way to do everything opposite from the way her parents raised her, a clear statement to them that they pretty much sucked/aka she could do it better, without their help, and quite perfectly, thankyouverymuch.

There are things I have done differently as a young woman, mom, wife, and follower of Christ than my parents, and their parents, and their parents before them.  And I've done many things the same.  Good and bad, because I am a human.

I know I will make many more mistakes in parenting as long as I'm on this earth.  I've already screwed my kids up a little, I'll admit.  But if when they are older the worst thing they can say about me is that I prayed and asked God's help in how to show them how much I loved them, well, then, I'm willing to take that risk.  We cannot force our children to believe what we believe, and it very well may break our hearts if they don't, but we can love them...yep, that part is up to us.

Just make sure you love them with all of your guts...because holding some of your love back just because it may rip out your heart will only leave you never really knowing what it's like to fully live.

For Obvious Reasons

This morning, I was reading some of The Picture Bible to Emily and Ryan as they ate breakfast.  Before Em woke up, I had been sharing with Ryan the meaning of Easter and the significance of this week in history, as well as modern day, so decided we'd read the days leading up to "Palm Sunday" and "The Passover Feast" and, of course, the Crucifixion and Resurrection.

We usually read to Ryan out of The Beginner's Bible or The Jesus Storybook Bible, then fill in details from Scripture we've read from our own Bibles.  (*Anyway, wow, I just got back from a ten minute detour while looking for the above links and there are some seriously intense people "out there" that have some jacked up opinionated opinions...no freaking wonder some people are turned off by people who call themselves "Christians"...this is maddening and WILL be another post...)

Meanwhile, I'm just grateful Jesus spoke in parables and stories in order to communicate Eternal things which our limited perspectives can barely grasp...

...basically, I'm grateful for FAITH.

Back to the story...so the self-righteous religious leaders were all up in Jesus' face, cranky and worked up because THE CHILDREN were praising God, saying, "Hosanna!  Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord!"  

So Jesus said, "Yes, and have you not read in the Psalms that out of the mouths of children God brings perfect praise?"  

(*Quotes from The Picture Bible)  

(*see Matthew 21 for the whole story...)

So, I said, "Em, why do you think God called the praises of kids 'perfect'?  Why do you think He encourages grown-ups to be more like children, to have faith like them?"

Em said, "Because we aren't all stressed out...and, because we are cuter."

And so there you have it.  I don't really think I need to go into it much more than that.

• Have we become so stressed out carrying burdens and worries we weren't meant to carry that The One on the road before us, the road laden with palms and garments that leads to Eternal peace, is blurry and The One leading us,  just not worth the stress?
• Are we no longer cute, like a kid, because we've allowed the things of this world to steal our joy and our praises?

Every loving parent thinks their kids are the cutest.

How much more does God love us?

This Easter, let's all try to be a little cuter...

INTENTIONAL PUPIL

God’s been having me write out some scriptures for myself to study and really chew on, if you will.  

For me, writing it down, or typing it, helps get it into my heart more and more.  

He’s really put it on my heart to be an intentional pupil of His Word, like basically back in college, getting a Major in God Studies :)  

(That's the last page of the Bible...and across the page are Noah's footprints from his last night on earth...)

Some of them are being spurred on from a Daniel study I’m doing by Beth Moore.  But He has put it on my heart to encourage others, as well, and for my own accountability.  Please don’t think I’m trying to re-write scripture.  I’m just stringing it together for the overall message, into one challenge to myself, for a complete thought.  I hope it encourages your hearts, too, on your own journeys.  

Love, Ade xoxox

It’s from The Message, Hebrews 12, John 11, 1 Peter 1 & 2.


“Do you see what this means – all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on?  It means we’d better get on with it.  Strip down, start running – and never quit!  No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins.  Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in.  Study how he did it.  Because he never lost sight of where he was headed – that exhilarating finish in and with God...when you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through.  That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!  God is educating you; that is why you must never drop out.  This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it training...it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.  Clear the path for long-distance runners so no one will trip and fall...Help each other out.  And run for it!  When Jesus got the message, He said, “This sickness is not fatal.  It will become an occasion to show God’s glory by glorifying God’s Son.”  So roll up your sleeves, put your mind in gear, be totally ready to receive the gift that’s coming when Jesus arrives.  Don’t lazily slip back into those old grooves of evil, doing just what you feel like doing.  You didn’t know any better then; you do now...let yourselves be pulled into a way of life shaped by God’s life, a life energetic and blazing with holiness.  You call out to God for help and he helps – he’s a good Father that way.  But don’t forget, he’s also a responsible Father, and won’t let you get by with sloppy living.  Your life is a journey you must travel with a deep consciousness of God.  Even though it has only lately – at the end of the ages – become public knowledge, God always knew he was going to do this for you...drink deep of God’s pure kindness.  Then you’ll grow up mature and whole in God.  Present yourselves as building stones for the construction of a sanctuary vibrant with life, offering Christ-approved lives up to God.  To you who trust him, he’s a Stone to be proud of...for the untrusting, they trip and fall because they refuse to obey, just as predicted.  But you are the ones chosen by God, chosen for the high-calling...God’s instruments to do his work and speak out for him, to tell others of the night-and-day difference he made for you – from nothing to something..Friends, this world is not your home, so don’t make yourselves cozy in it.  Don’t indulge your ego at the expense of your soul.  Live an exemplary life among the natives...then they’ll be won over to God’s side and be there to join in the celebration when he arrives...good citizens...It is God’s will that by doing good, you might cure the ignorance of the fools who think you’re a danger to society...cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in.  I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime.  Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine.  When Jesus wraps this all up, it’s your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.  The Day is coming when you'll have it all – life healed and whole.”

A Letter to my Friend...

...or you, but either way, I wanted to share:

Hey friend!  I'm sorry you are wrestling right now, though I'm not, because wrestling w/self and God aren't the worst things in the world...it means He is there to wrestle with...and that's good, even when it sucks.

God never "comes and goes."  He is always.  He remains.  We are the only ones who wain.  And it's okay to be tired, but that also shows you are "trying" instead of "being."  God wants you to be....wants you to rest in Him...lean into Him...trust He is good...His love for you is not performance based...those are lies of American Church culture, not a relationship with Jesus Christ.

Here's the thing:  in the Garden, the greatest deception wasn't just getting those guys to eat an apple and have their eyes opened to see good and evil...the deception which has remained since that day is the Devil's victory to take our hearts and minds to a place where instead of knowing beyond all doubt that God is good and great and loving all the time, we wonder if He really is...because bad things happen or because our lives don't look like we planned or because we don't always feel His presence or hear His voice clearly or know the next step to take.  So, what could be a deep rooted peace beyond all comprehension, even in the midst of life and personal hell here on earth, is tangled in a web of trying to behave a certain way, do good things, and convincing ourselves that He is a good God who loves us, when in fact, that is Who He is...always and forever.

He already said He loves us.  He already established that truth when He designed us in His image and wanted to hang out with us.

When the Bible says that Satan has a time or dominion here on the earth for a season, I believe it has everything to do with the battle going on over each and every one of us, the battle to keep us believing God is out to get us and is a conditional God...he twists the truth to keep us living in fear, but it's his own fear he's projecting on us...does this make sense?  Because Satan knows his time is short...

We weren't designed to be perfect, though we were made in the image of a perfect God.  We were designed to simply be with Him...to be His friends...to live in fellowship and relationship, not isolation.  I'm speaking to myself as I'm coming out of a season of isolation and loneliness where little pieces of my heart were dark and hidden, hidden because I believed the lies he was telling me that I had to be perfect, you know, because everyone else is perfect, obviously...

Every. Single. Story. in the Bible is about an imperfect person, rough on the edges, who did great things or lived by faith, not of their own amazingness or perfection but because of who God was in them, in spite of them, calling them to simply trust that He may know what He's doing on a bigger scale.

I love you and am so very grateful God has reunited us at this time in our lives.  He's been placing you on my heart a lot lately, maybe because we are similar in many ways or maybe just because you are a wonderful woman to love...either way, I'm praying for you, friend, as only an imperfect friend can do...

Loving yourself is a one day at a time thing...sometimes one hour at a time...I'm walking it, too.

Following God does carry responsibility...I often feel like I've failed Him on so many levels and on a daily basis b/c I haven't saved every. single. person. in my neighborhood or city or state, or the southwest region of the USA, or the Lower 48...etc, etc.  There are days where I think more about my ruined garden, dirty toilet, if I ate too many pistachios, or what to make for dinner than changing the world or living a selfless life.

We all suck at life.  At least when we weigh ourselves against the world's standards on any given topic.  There will always be someone smarter, richer, more generous, more selfless, more compassionate, more relatable, wiser, more thoughtful, etc, etc.  Does that mean we suck entirely?  Nope.  We don't suck entirely.  We make mistakes.  We say we are sorry.  We take responsibility for our own actions, stop blaming others or comparing ourselves to others, and we pick ourselves up and keep on going one foot in front of the other...trusting God will lead us...if we seek Him.  We have to seek Him to find Him, but He said we'd find Him if we indeed seek Him...


Friend, He made you on purpose for a purpose...not some pie in the sky purpose you'll one day wake up and see and be able to boast in, but a day to day walk carried out in simplicity, not defined by the standards of the world but shaped and designed by the very Creator of the Universe to be stealthy and filled with His love to those around you...and His love for you.  Big love.

Anyway, sorry this is haphazard and random...just some thoughts God put on my heart for you today.  I sure love you and am grateful for your life!  I know you have a lot on your plate right now...just know you are in my prayers and I am here for you whenever I'm not sleeping ;)  Just kidding!  I totally love you!  xoxox

Guest Blogging

Today you will find me at "Diving for Pearls."

Katie Wetherbee is a new friend, who is actually an old friend.  And by "old" I mean, she prayed for us during our journey with Noah through hearing of his blog.  Earlier this Spring we were able to email back and forth and finally share ear to ear.  I wish we lived where I could meet her face to face.

One night I sat and read through the story of Katie and her family.  She has it neatly organized on her blog, so it's easy to do.  (Sorry.  You won't find that here.  I'm still working on my organizational skills.)  It was like a book I could not put down, reading her words, her experiences and emotions, and being able to picture the hospital life she lived with her daughter because of our personal experience.

Katie is a beautiful woman and a wonderful new friend!  I love her heart and the core of the ministry she carries out on a daily basis.  Her blog states, "Helping children with special needs thrive at home, school, and church."  She is the Director of Education for Key Ministry.  This mission of Key Ministry is "to equip churches to welcome and include children and families affected by hidden disabilities in all aspects of the life of the church."  The website has great insight and resources to educate oneself and learn more about how we as a body of believers can build bridges and welcome every person into the walls of an actual church, and into the arms of a loving community.

As a mother, she is facing the out-of-state drive and delivery of her first born to college next fall, with a younger one still working through high school.  I have one in diapers still and another just exiting 4th Grade in two weeks.  We are in two very different phases of life, but I believe we all have much to learn from one another.

I hope you will head over to "Diving for Pearls" where Katie is launching the first of a series called "Messages from Moms," where yours truly is first out of the gates.

My heart in being part of this is to encourage families far and wide as they journey through parenting, no matter how it looks.  Our son Noah passed away, but the time he was on this Earth I would say he had some very special needs.  Had he lived, he would have been "labeled" as such and it would have been, and is, my heart, to know him intimately and love him especially the way he was, understanding his needs to help him flourish.  Just as I try to do with my other two.

Thoughts on Dying and Living

As I sat across my davenport from a friend, a fellow bereaved mum, I listened to her heart and shared her tears as she told the stories of losing 3 of her grown children.  I will not share her story because it is hers to share...

One thing we talked about, though, was the "How?"

Yesterday as Emily and Ryan and I left a store, there were several emergency vehicles in the next parking row, helping whomever it was who needed help.  There were employees of the store directing traffic in the opposite direction of the situation.  We headed to our car, and as we walked, we prayed for the person laying on the ground.  We also prayed for the rescue team as they cared for the person in need.

As we backed out of our spot and headed up the row I literally had to wait for a woman steering her cart serpentine like down the center of the driving lane, craning her neck, not watching where she was going, but trying to see what was going on in the other parking row.

Really?  Really?

I know the woman was curious as to the "What?" in the situation, like what happened? or how did this happen?  We are curious people.  And we are not bad or wrong for wanting to know.

Heck, when Noah was in the hospital, I asked the question, "But WHY?" for 5+ months.  Not "Why?" like, why me?  why my son?  but, "Ok, so his test results are inconclusive...he is dying...his DNA is normal...but again, he's dying...why?"

Remember "Speed" and the vanilla flavored acting of Keanu Reeves?  The people were all on the bus yelling, "We're all gonna die!  We're all gonna die!"

I think of this scene, and many like it being played out in real life around the world under different circumstances, and I do wonder if this is the first realization a person in the scenario has had that they, indeed, are going to die.  

Everyone.  Is.  Going.  To.  Die.

But it's the "How?" that often catches us off guard, sweeps our legs, and leaves us feeling as if it came out of nowhere.  Because we weren't ready for it?

And it's the "When?", too.  My friend said she asked God about the timing of her children's deaths.  One in his 20's, the other two teenagers.  My son was 7 months old.  My friend's dad was 61.  My friend's daughter 1 hour.  My friend's mom in her early 40's.  My Grandmas in their 90's.  My father-in-law, 49.  My friend's husband, 34.

When we read "90" in the obituaries, we don't really ask why?  We may ask how? but, for the most part, their death isn't the result of a skiing accident, though anything is possible.

The nature of us, though, wants to know the how? and why? when we read the other ages.

And we are taken aback.  Struck with disbelief in some cases.  Sorting feelings of unfairness and pounding our fists about timing.  "A life cut short."  "Such a tragedy!"  "They had so much more life to live..."

If God really is Who He says He is, and He really does know the number of our days here on Earth, and He designed us with beauty in mind, and a purpose, and for a display of His splendor...well, this causes me to believe He isn't taken aback by the how? or the when?

Please understand, I am NOT saying He is the instigator of the how?  Please read Job for further insight here.  I personally believe God left the book of Job in the Bible on purpose so we could see just how sick and twisted the Devil really is at trying to tear our hearts away from the Unconditionally Loving God who created us.  (This will have to be another post entirely.)

What the heck is my point here?

Well, we can live the rest of our lives broken, torn, our hearts tragically ripped open because of our inability to fully ever comprehend the how? and the why? and the when?

Or, we can live the rest of our lives profoundly impacted by the beautiful people we once knew who have gone before us into everlasting life.

And we can carry their hearts, passions, gifts, character, and strengths in our lives as we choose to be better people because of them.

We can celebrate their heroics.  We can allow smiles to grace our faces, even in the midst of sorrow, as we remember something funny they once did, and not feel guilty about it.  We can rejoice that no matter the amount of time, whether in pregnancy or 50+ years later, we were once a "Mom" and will ALWAYS be a mom, no matter where our children dwell.  It will wear the title, "Bereaved, Grieved, Widowed," and it will have aches, pains, and heart wrenching yearning.

But what if we had never met them in the first place?

As a bereaved parent, a grieved friend, a person who has kissed death on the lips, I don't want to imagine my life never having known the people I loved who have died.

My life is richer because of them.  

And in pain and grief, there is healing knowing each person we meet on our way truly is a gift to us from the very hand of God, no matter how long they are called to walk the Earth.

*In memory of men I never knew:  Luke Sheets, Stephen Luth, Garrett Coble, and Austin Anderson
*In honor of Hannah Luce AND all the surviving families, friends, and loved ones:  we are constantly praying for you...He still has you here on purpose.  Never give up hope!

Blockbuster

Have you ever sat through a movie trailer that intrigued you enough to want to go see it?  If you answered, "yes," that's the point.  It's meant to draw you in so you can learn the whole story.

And then the feature film starts rolling.  The lights are dimmed, you have your goodies in hand, and everyone has silenced their phones, except that one guy.  You sit there, let's say for 20 minutes of this 2 hour feature length presentation, and the plot is building, you are sucked in, and the thought of having to leave even to go to the bathroom you stave off by tightly crossing your legs and denying yourself any more sips of your beverage...you just don't want to miss out on the story about to be revealed.  

Now imagine at the 25 minute mark the lights switch on and the theater manager walks into the packed venue and states, "That's it, people.  The director and producer had big dreams and every intention for this film to be a complete story, but the actors and crew quit showing up after only two weeks of shooting.  So, anyway, we hope you enjoyed the part you were able to see.  Have a good night and thanks for coming..."

I suspect there would be some disgruntled patrons, to say the least.

Imagine if that's what life is like when we don't want to tell our story, don't think it's important to tell, or are waiting for the unlovely, difficult parts to pass before we share.

There is a bigger picture.  We may not know or understand all the details, but it is a story which is unfolding every single day around the world.  A story being told through our lives.  The God of the whole Universe, who loves us with every part of His heart, desires to express His love for all creation through the telling of our stories.  

Because He made us...on purpose.

Can you imagine a world where we stop comparing ourselves to those around us, wishing our lives were a little more like theirs and instead began telling our stories, laced with all the imperfection, pain, and beauty, for the good of God's bigger story?

It's time we all stop cheating the world of who God designed us to be.

It's time to start living the story.


(Here's a little taste of what God's put on my heart.  You'll find out more when I launch my non-profit, soon and very soon...)

Back it up a little...

So, Em and Jason and I went in on Tuesday for our uber-ultra ultrasound. They check for all the important vital body parts.

Most parents look only for genitalia.

Obviously since we seem to produce children with more than just private parts, and since our lives have been radically changed over the past 4 years and since we have friends who have cried through ultrasounds showing them that certain vital parts were not growing in their sweet babies, we were looking for more than just genitalia...so was the ultrasound technician. I asked:

"Is that a kidney? Are there 2? Ureters? Do they empty to the bladder? How many chambers in the heart? A spleen? How about a liver? How about its brain? Eyes? Its jaw? Does it have a jaw? May I see its spine?"

Admittedly, it's sad I can't just look for a hoo-ha or weiner...(don't worry, we use the proper terms with Em...I just don't feel that comfortable with you! Ha!)

As she pushed on, likely, the fullest bladder in the world that morning, she showed me almost every other body part, confirming its presence and performance, before she headed down to check out the femurs. The femurs were...femurish...you know, long and femur looking. So that was good.

But, wait...what was that?

Me: Oh! Huh!?
Tech: Yeah, did you catch that?
Me: Pretty sure I did...back it up a little...
Tech: There you go.
Me: Are you sure that's not just engorged?
Tech: I'm sure. That is what you think it is.
Me: Oh my gosh, Em, you're having a brother! It's a baby boy!
Me: (Sob. Bawl. Sob. Wipe snot. Bawl. Smile. Sob with heaves and lip biting. Smile. Awe. Wonder. Bawl. Wipe more snot.)
Jason: (Quietly choking back tears in the dark room...Em just thinking he had sinus issues...)

Jason and I had planned on naming Noah "Mary" or "Claire" if he had been a girl. We both, likely out of protection of our hearts and emotions, had decided this was a girl. I had even oooohed and ahhhhed over cute girl clothes at BabyGap and found a super duper cute poster of Paris to put in her room.

Deep down, of course I wanted a boy. Boys melt Mommies' hearts. In the 7 weeks Noah was home after he was born I had the worst back and neck pain from staring down at him, constantly. I mean, way down deep love that is quite impossible for me to 'splain so I won't even try...

Back up years...like probably 5 or 6. I walked into one of our favorite local restaurants for take out. There was a mom and her older teenage son in line in front of me. He was tall, maybe a foot taller than his mom, and handsome. I remember looking at them and feeling a promise in my heart of God saying to me that one day I would have a son. I had always pictured him in that stage of life. FF to June 10, 2006 and I was overjoyed that I had a son...my promise. FF to January 12, 2007 and I'm not going to lie at how unfair and sick I felt that promise was...like a "psych" moment, but painful and gut-wrenching...a slap in the face.

FF to Tuesday, April 27th at approximately 9:30 am MT when we saw his parts...and having come through all we have, learning more about the God of the Universe who knows way more than I ever will and is good and has a plan, and trusting that He knows what is best and desires to bless His children...I could not help but bawl my head off, and my mascara, in hope and thankfulness for whatever it is He has in store.

However, at the same time, realizing that He is in charge. I trust Him. He has asked me to live one day at a time. And so, God has blessed me with two sons. One in His presence now and the other kicking the heck out of my entire abdominal cavity...

And I am thankful.

And I am in awe.

And I am treasuring one kick at a time.

And I am hanging onto hope...hope that one day I will meet this sweet little man face to face...and when I do, I will fall in love with him and he with me...and one day...

One day he will throw his arm around my 55 year old shoulder and smile down at me. And I will try to contain the squeals within me, stay cool and not act on all the kisses I'll want to plant on his cheeks and tell him how very handsome he is and how very proud of him I am...I'll just act cool and order our falafels.

Identity Theft

Have you or someone you know been the object of identity theft? I don't personally know anyone who it has happened to, but I imagine it has got to be more than frustrating, totally inconvenient, and extremely violating! The audacity of someone else, a total stranger, using your name and personal information to do whatever it is they do with it...and often you don't know until some big purchase is made or your name is linked to something slanderous.Well, guess what?! The bible says, "The enemy comes only to steal, kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

The first word is steal. Here's what Merriam-Webster defines it as:

intransitive verb
1: to take the property of another wrongfully and especially as a habitual or regular practice
2: to come or go secretly, unobtrusively, gradually, or unexpectedly

transitive verb
1 a: to take or appropriate without right or leave and with intent to keep or make use of wrongfully b: to take away by force or unjust means stolen our liberty c: to take surreptitiously or without permission steal a kiss d: to appropriate to oneself or beyond one's proper share : make oneself the focus of steal the show
2 a: to move, convey, or introduce secretly : smuggle b: to accomplish in a concealed or unobserved manner steal a visit
3 a: to seize, gain, or win by trickery, skill, or daring

The next word is kill. Here's the definition:

transitive verb
1 a: to deprive of life : cause the death of
2 a: to put an end to kill competition b: defeat, veto killed the amendment c: to mark for omission ; also delete d: annihilate or destroy to kill an enemy
3 a: to destroy the vital or essential quality of killed the pain with drugs b: to cause to stop kill the motor
6 a: to cause extreme pain to b: to tire almost to the point of collapse

The final word is destroy. Here's that definition:

transitive verb
1: to ruin the structure, organic existence, or condition of destroyed the files ; also: to ruin as if by tearing to shreds destroyed
2 a: to put out of existence

As far as our identity goes, in this sense, I have had my identity stolen. I've even allowed it to happen. I believed the lies of the enemy that I should act, look, perform a certain way. I bought into thinking that what I do defines me. I had actually aligned my thinking with the way the world thinks and conformed to its opinion of me. Many of us have. We have tried to make names for ourselves. We even revel in the roles we play: wife, mother, daughter, friend, employee, employer, etc. The problem with that is when we move from Jesus as Savior to inviting Him into our lives as Lord, our identity then lies in Him, not ourselves. We become children of God. His daughter or son. We are forgiven. We are free. We often try to hold onto who we are, what we want, who we have made ourselves to be, what we do.

Last week the Lord spoke to my heart in a pretty powerful way. My heart was heavy for many different friends going through hard times and as I was praying for them, God had me write this down. He then said, "The message is never only for the recipient but for the messenger and for My body." As a result, I am going to share it here. He did not share it to condemn us but to draw us closer to Him. To expose the enemy's tactics and schemes in our lives. To bring light where we have welcomed darkness.


Somehow you’ve made ‘all this’…’your life’…’this trial’ all about you. When you gave your life to Me, it became My life. Do not be surprised that any of this is happening to you, as if you are a victim. You are right that under pressure true character is revealed. Yours is being revealed, layer by layer, who you have made yourself to be. Once we are done playing your game, I’d like to show you how to truly live. Any time one of My children is tested, I do not take pleasure in it. Don’t you think that I would have preferred you to have listened to Me long ago when I’ve gently nudged you to discern between right and wrong, plenty and excess, contentment and greed? But, as all of My children, you have shown Me your independence. When will you stop, rest at My feet, and know that You will only be prosperous when your full dependence is on Me? And what is prosperity (success, recognition)? It is your god! You have willingly removed Me from My rightful throne…your heart. This is why you are faltering. And in the midst of this trial you are slandering My name. I am the God of the Universe! No one may use my name in vain…for your own advantage. Do not say you love My son and carry on as you do! I love you more than you can even comprehend! I love the family (and friends) I have given you more than you ever will! You are broken. I am your only Healer. If you care what other people really thought than you would be more concerned that in this trial you have run from Me rather than to Me. The enemy of your heart only intends destruction for My children. I have come so that you would have full life and peace. So as people see you in this trial they aren’t seeing My name because you won’t run to Me. They see a person who cares more about their own name than the Name that is above every name. My name. I am. I am the One who has promised never to leave you. Everything else, as you have seen, is temporary. Come to Me.

Believe me, I've been on my face about it since He put it on my heart and I will continue to do so. All of it may be for you, or just parts of it, but know that God never commits identity theft. With us and Him it's a willing transfer. With satan, he'll do anything to destroy who we are in Christ and the life to which God has called us. Has he stolen yours?