Fear Has No Future

Jason and I celebrated 20 years of marriage in June, but since January, we've been dreaming and planning out the details for a trip to Spain, just the two of us.  We have spent hours and hours looking through books, reading reviews, mapping out our adventures, talking about it on date nights, road trips, in bed at night.

The destination and trip itself will be awesome, no doubt, but dreaming and anticipating have been part of the fun, as well.

Picture from AskFranciso

Except for the part where we realized it was about time to write out a Will and Trust...that part took the spark out of the trip, at least for me, for a good week.  My sinuses were clogged and swollen from crying, imagining not being the ones to raise our children, these gifts God loves more, but has graciously entrusted to us to love, nurture, and fan to flame the awesomeness God placed within each of them...

...and I almost cancelled.

"Sweetheart, we can just get a hotel downtown for the weekend..."  Forget the part that I've dreamed of going to Spain ever since I was in college when Profesora Calderon first sparked my romance with the language and country.  Forget about how we were going to do this trip for our 15th but then Jason lost his job and we knew it probably wasn't financially wise to travel on "credit."

I have come to terms, as I have for years, but clearly needed a reminder, that God knows the number of our days.  It doesn't do me or anyone else any good to live in fear of the "what if's?"

There is no freedom in fear, nor is there a future.  I knew a 90-something year old who harbored many fears...sure, in years, she lived a long life, but she was crippled by her fears, not experiencing what freedom in God's love has to offer in a full life.

I have spent many hours praying and pleading, asking God to be gracious to our family and reunite us again to continue to live out the purpose He has for us on this earth...and I trust Him and have peace this will be the case...

So, do I hope to relax, sleep a little longer, go on 24-hour dates for two weeks straight with my husband, in a beautiful country, surrounded by people God created, all rich with stories, experience the smells, sights, make new memories, and see pretty much the whole countryside of Spain?  Yeah.  I do. And I'll miss my kids like crazy, wondering what they are doing at such and such a time.

But this is good for my marriage, a celebration of friendship and love and thankfulness, and it will be good.

If this were my last post, on this blog, ever, not just my last post prior to leaving for our trip to Spain, I'd want to leave the world with this:

God is totally, completely, 100% in love with you.  Don't try to understand it, just accept it.  Please stop looking around at all that is wrong in the world, in yourself, and everyone else.  Instead, find the good and as you do, allow your eyes to be turned upward to look at The One who made you, to see it as an expression of His love to a broken world.  He knows you intimately, has good in store, like deep down heart-good, and He sees a bigger picture which your head and heart are now allowed to contain at this time.  He loves you.  Love begets love...not war, back-biting, gossip, slander, politics, isolationism, competition, or elitism, nor pride or self-seeking. Love begets love, and God. Is. Love. He is love and is in love with you, totally, completely, 100%.

That's all...

(*We may blog from Spain, but the #loneviajera won't be alone...watch for it, and for a super fun blog by this girl, one of our date nights in Barcelona...)

Travel with Intention

My Mom and Dad made it possible for me to join Jason for a few days down in Santa Fe, NM, while he worked earlier this week, by watching our precious offspring.  Jason and I are good about getting out for date nights thanks to generous family members and a fantastic babysitter, but overnights are few and far between, though we are intentional about making them happen rather than not.  Gotta do whatcha gotta do to keep a marriage going, right?

A sweet little token, a peace dove on our bed.  #rememberingnoah

Cricket apartments, aka, dried chilis

Stucco, courtyard, old Santa Fe

Sunrise in the East

Peering into an artist's courtyard

These two colors should always go together

The free-standing spiral staircase of Loretto Chapel

A 3oz Citrus elixir and a Bailey's gluten-free brownie

The Blue Horse which should be in front of DIA rather than our demon one...

Anyway, I love traveling.  And by "love" I mean, it is my all time favorite thing to do in the whole wide world.  Whether it's for leisure, work, ministry, or whatever the reason, besides the packing, traveling is in my blood.  It comes naturally, almost as if God designed me with an internal GPS for world navigation.  Jason's mom keeps offering to watch Em and Ry if Jason and I would just sign up for The Amazing Race, but I would miss my kids too much, so we'll let others play that game.  The money's just not worth the sacrifice.  I love people watching, different cultures, the architecture, food, most smells, and the sounds.  Even the deepest of third world countries, where others may squirm and constantly use hand sanitizer, I'm there, in the dirt, playing with the kids.

I simply was made to travel.  And the itch right now is so intense, if it was a rash a doctor would prescribe steroid cream.

Santa Fe has many reputations, but I'd like to believe I'm discerning and was able to walk away not only unscathed by the voodoo and spiritualists, but rather, inspired by God's creativity and filled with awe, more in love with Him than the day I arrived.  I do not attribute the blessing from God I received merely to the location, therefore pronouncing it a 'holy place' as others may.

No.  I think I was blessed because I went with intention.  This is my word for the year and it's one I've tried to weave into each day and setting, seeking God's will, being intentional towards Him and myself in the day to day.  In getting away to Santa Fe, I will share with you my intentions:

• Silence and solitude with God 
• Learning more about Jason and his work
• Meeting some of his colleagues and learning their stories
• Appreciating the architecture and history of the beautiful town
• Soaking in the expression of God's creativity as shown through the many artists on street corners and in galleries
• Savoring the yummy cuisine
• Leaving with inspiration to get my own creative groove on

If the above bullet points were a check-list, there would be a slash through each one.  I wandered around the town, with and without my map app, in and out of galleries, churches, tea and chocolate houses, shops, through parks and neighborhoods, breathing America's cleanest air.  I got to sit in on Jason's presentation, gain insight into the work of Compassion, as well as meet people from around the globe as passionate about helping women and children in third world countries as my husband...and I prayed.  We enjoyed meals with several of these and learning their stories of faith and intimacy with Christ in their native countries was both rich and eye-opening for me.

I walked mile after mile around town taking in the awesome architecture that I grew up on in Arizona.  Why every house in the world doesn't have a courtyard and isn't made of stucco, it's a darned shame.

And the art.  Oh, the art!  Imagine:  we are all made in His image, so when 6 billion people are given thousands of different creative ways to express His creativity, wowza!

La comida:  Green chili.  Mexican chocolate.  Tequila.  Local wine.  Blue corn.  Guacamole.  Tamales.  Deliciousness.  I ate with intention, without guilt or obsession...this is good for me.  And, I now firmly believe God also gave me an internal Chocolate GPS.

As we drove over and through the rolling hills, gazing at sky scraping snow-capped ranges in the distance, leaving the creativity of Santa Fe in the rear view mirror, I brought with me inspiration for writing, sewing, relationships, jewelry making, Bevy Girls, travel, family, ministry, faith, health, community, and personal growth.

Sometimes you have to leave your day to day setting to find the inspiration.  Sometimes you don't.  Either way, life should be lived with intention.

Little BIG Feet

If you don't know how much I love feet, scroll down to the bottom of this page...I'll wait...

Okay.  So, let me clarify, because by "love feet" I want to make sure it's clear which ones I mean:

• NOT stinky, sweaty, hairy, scaly ones
• BUT YES to: chewy, teeny, tiny, pink, plump, yummy ones

But seriously, I love the symbolism of feet.  Genetically we were designed to have two.  Whether we all have two or not, and whether they "work" or function as intended, doesn't disqualify us for the symbolism of feet or not.

You see, you, or someone you know, may have really big feet or small, petite ones, but it's the footprint you leave that will make the lasting impression. 

Five years ago when Noah died, he had the smallest feet in the family, simply speaking size here.  However, his teeny, tiny, chewy, yummy, sweet little feet left the biggest footprint on my heart.  His little BIG feet caused me to re-evaluate life on many levels and got these size 8's on the move.  Not just to move around and add chaos to the world, but on the move to start living the way I was intended and Designed to live.

Do I do it right all the time?  Nope.  I'm a student on this earth...

I just met another mom that loves feet.  And by "loves feet" I'm not so sure Chelsea loves them the same way I describe above, but it's clear she loves the journey and makes the most of her treasured times with her husband and their 3 sons.  And though from reading her blog I can tell she loved them well prior to meeting her most recent little BIG feet, it seems, once again, that a sweet little boy with teeny, tiny, yummy toes has "walked" into her heart and brought about even more joy, life and perspective, through love and heartache.

I was able to meet Trek and his Mommy and Daddy yesterday here in Colorado.  I even got to snuggle her little lover in my arms for a brief moment, trying to give Chelsea a chance to eat her breakfast, but Trek knows his mama and I handed him back into her loving arms.

Trek needs your prayers.  And so do his parents.  And his big brothers.  And their family. 

I have a crush on him, I'm not going to lie.  He is one handsome guy who gave me a few smiles and just reading about how he came into the world and how his life is inspiring others to live, well, you can't help but get a bit wrapped around his cute little toes.

Trek has a genetic disorder, one they tested Noah for.  His parents are so brave and strong!  They are going to spend his beautiful days here on earth building memories as a family.  As they do, please keep them all in your prayers!

The size of your feet do not matter...it's the kind of footprints you leave here on earth that make a lasting impression!

I have cankles!

Thank you, everyone, for the opportunity to walk for a cure! I truly do have cankles (swollen ankles), but there are worse things, right? And, you know how your great grandma's feet have hundreds of broken capillaries...yeah, well, I'm not even a grandma, but apparently my feet didn't get the memo!

Our team was wonderful! Brittany, Catherine, and Dana kept me motivated throughout the streets of NYC. They literally had us walking all over the island of Manhattan, Lower West Side, Upper West Side, Harlem, Columbia University, all the way down to Greenwich Village, SoHo, Chelsea, East Village, NYU, over the Brooklyn Bridge, back over the Manhattan Bridge, Chinatown, up the East Side, past the UN, then over to Randall Island where the 26.2 mile marker was, and a hot dinner waiting. Unfortunately, since it's a walk, not a run, and not a race, they didn't block off any streets for us, so, we had to walk on side walks, dodge in and out of pedestrians, stop at intersections and crosswalks, and be in a constant stop and go pattern. None of us expected that, nor trained that way, so that took a toll on our parts, but we encouraged each other that, obviously, like anyone, we'd rather have strained body parts and stress fractures than go through chemotherapy or radiation...

I know posting after the fact is anti-climatic, but Internet access was nil. And then, I have only two pictures from day two of the walk because my camera went to electronics heaven at mile 4 of 13! Rude!

Below are some highlights from the walk. Thank you all, again, for the privilege of being able to walk for a cure in memory and honor of you and your loved ones. God opened our hearts and eyes to the lives of the people around us, knowing that each one of the 4500+ walking represented a story of courage, endurance, tragedy, hope and perseverance. As we walked I said to my team that one of my prayers was that for each one we walked for, the ripple effect of God's love would truly inspire others to share their stories for the glory of God.

This guy was out supporting his wife...there were several men who were actually walking all alone...the lump in my throat got tighter each time we'd approach one, just speculating their stories...
This guy's pins were for sale for $3.00 a piece. He kept showing up on different street corners over the two days, in different outfits, to encourage and cheer us on toward the goal.
Here we are braving an early morning NY cab. Even when no cars were around at 5:30 am, the cabbie zipped in and out of lanes and slammed on his brakes. Apparently driving in a straight line is boring? It was adventure at its best!
"For all the awesome people in blog world and beyond - Noah for Knockers: Saving them 2x2 Ade xoxox" That's what I wrote on the two story inflatable tower they had at the start of the day.
These towers travel to each city where Avon Walks take place.
At the crack of dawn...actually, before that...
Group stretch. I know...you are supposed to warm up before you stretch, but this was more about bonding, really. The woman in the hot pink sweatshirt and pink hood right there was walking alone...as a survivor.

Mile 7 was significant to me because Noah lived for 7 months.
One "Riesen" to walk: for a cure.
Elmo was at Madison Square Garden.
We walked too quickly past this building for me to see a name, but maybe one of you can tell me what it was...it was down by the Brooklyn Bridge.

Crossing over the Brooklyn Bridge.
My family and my boy at my back, pushing me onward over the Manhattan Bridge.
North of Chinatown you can find this colorful crew playing bike polo while shouting obscenities. It was quite the exciting spot to stop for a stretch. In Chinatown, one woman stopped to stretch and got whacked with a broom by an old woman.
The UN, where, well, pretty important conversations take place, you know!?

Some fraternity boys who came out to cheer us on!
Gracious enough to pose with this old lady! (To think...18 years ago, which is half my life, I was as young as these guys!)
My older sister, Ashley, walked the last 6 miles with us on the first day. Go Ashes!
We made it to the Wellness Village on Randall Island around 5:30 pm for dinner. That's right, folks...we left Pier 84 at around 7:45 am and proceeded to walk for over 10 hours. In training, Dana and I walked at 4 to 4.3 mph, stopping each hour to eat and stretch. We also didn't have to stop for street lights or weave in and out of people. As we were finishing up the last mile my sister played "Pride" on her phone for us as we weren't allowed to have headphones on during the walk! I can't even tell you how much music made a difference! It was a long day, but we did it as a team and we hope we made you all proud!

On Sunday morning it was raining but by the time we got on the course it had stopped. We booked it on Sunday and finished almost 3 hours before the closing ceremony. I have to admit that around mile 4 on Sunday my right foot was bothering me, but I thought if I just walked through the pain, it would help it stretch out and warm up...well, Sunday was the reason for my broken blood vessels, swollen ankles, and possible stress fracture. Again, not as bad as having to endure a disease without a cure...

I have stories of talking to strangers and sharing God's love over the course of the weekend, but will share at another time. As far as processing goes, I am still praying about all I feel God showed me on this trip. For now though, I just wanted you to know how grateful I am to God and thankful I am for your support in this endeavor. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Friends are Good for the Heart

We had no sunsets in Dallas, but the 'physical' therapy was well worth it. We got to spend some quality time with old friends that lost their dad/husband just one month before Noah died. We hadn't gotten to be together, so hugging, crying and late night talks were on the agenda, along with good meals and time by the pool. We then headed down to Baylor to see old friends that had literally moved there from CA just 3 days prior. We met 12 years ago in Minneapolis where Dave and I worked together. There was a group of 5 of us couples that did life together, Bible study, fun meals, weekends away. Anyway, in one weekend (we flew in and out of Mpls) we were able to see 3 of those couples and their kids. *(One couple moved up to WI with their beautiful kids. We hear he's gone 'Grizzly Adams' with a full beard, flannel, building a log house, eating Muskies raw...JK) Anyway, Saturday the 21st we drove from Waco back up to Dallas, hopped on the plane, got into Mpls late, checked into our hotel, then ran over to St. Anthony Main to join Jason's sister and her husband and some friends for the greatest fireworks around! It was a long day but Em was a trooper and the fireworks and popcorn made for a good distraction.

We're back in SD as of the middle of last night and I'm looking forward to what kind of sunset God has on the horizon tonight. I'm going to be sharing some of my journey and Noah's story with the ladies this Thursday night, the 26th, at 7:00pm at Family Worship Center Foursquare Church in Watertown if anyone is interested. Please pray for me as I venture more into this avenue of sharing. Last night after we grabbed a bite of dinner on our way out of town, I shared with some complete strangers in the parking lot the story of Noah and our hope in the Lord. They had a sweet 8 month old boy with blond hair and big blue eyes that kept staring at me and smiling. Anyway, Jason asked me if sharing Noah's story was therapeutic for me. I said that it is because it is also an open door to share the gospel of Christ. I have found that a lot of different things have proven 'therapeutic' for me in healing the pain of missing Noah. Sitting with old friends for the last week and a half was definitely good for my soul...

Minneapolis, I love you...

Aquatennial fireworks in Mpls

My favorite sculpture of my favorite food

She did it again...

Part of a really cool sculpture in the Dallas Airport