Fear Has No Future

Jason and I celebrated 20 years of marriage in June, but since January, we've been dreaming and planning out the details for a trip to Spain, just the two of us.  We have spent hours and hours looking through books, reading reviews, mapping out our adventures, talking about it on date nights, road trips, in bed at night.

The destination and trip itself will be awesome, no doubt, but dreaming and anticipating have been part of the fun, as well.

Picture from AskFranciso

Except for the part where we realized it was about time to write out a Will and Trust...that part took the spark out of the trip, at least for me, for a good week.  My sinuses were clogged and swollen from crying, imagining not being the ones to raise our children, these gifts God loves more, but has graciously entrusted to us to love, nurture, and fan to flame the awesomeness God placed within each of them...

...and I almost cancelled.

"Sweetheart, we can just get a hotel downtown for the weekend..."  Forget the part that I've dreamed of going to Spain ever since I was in college when Profesora Calderon first sparked my romance with the language and country.  Forget about how we were going to do this trip for our 15th but then Jason lost his job and we knew it probably wasn't financially wise to travel on "credit."

I have come to terms, as I have for years, but clearly needed a reminder, that God knows the number of our days.  It doesn't do me or anyone else any good to live in fear of the "what if's?"

There is no freedom in fear, nor is there a future.  I knew a 90-something year old who harbored many fears...sure, in years, she lived a long life, but she was crippled by her fears, not experiencing what freedom in God's love has to offer in a full life.

I have spent many hours praying and pleading, asking God to be gracious to our family and reunite us again to continue to live out the purpose He has for us on this earth...and I trust Him and have peace this will be the case...

So, do I hope to relax, sleep a little longer, go on 24-hour dates for two weeks straight with my husband, in a beautiful country, surrounded by people God created, all rich with stories, experience the smells, sights, make new memories, and see pretty much the whole countryside of Spain?  Yeah.  I do. And I'll miss my kids like crazy, wondering what they are doing at such and such a time.

But this is good for my marriage, a celebration of friendship and love and thankfulness, and it will be good.

If this were my last post, on this blog, ever, not just my last post prior to leaving for our trip to Spain, I'd want to leave the world with this:

God is totally, completely, 100% in love with you.  Don't try to understand it, just accept it.  Please stop looking around at all that is wrong in the world, in yourself, and everyone else.  Instead, find the good and as you do, allow your eyes to be turned upward to look at The One who made you, to see it as an expression of His love to a broken world.  He knows you intimately, has good in store, like deep down heart-good, and He sees a bigger picture which your head and heart are now allowed to contain at this time.  He loves you.  Love begets love...not war, back-biting, gossip, slander, politics, isolationism, competition, or elitism, nor pride or self-seeking. Love begets love, and God. Is. Love. He is love and is in love with you, totally, completely, 100%.

That's all...

(*We may blog from Spain, but the #loneviajera won't be alone...watch for it, and for a super fun blog by this girl, one of our date nights in Barcelona...)

Sweet Guy...

January 12th, in the wee hours of the morning

God, I'm not really sure how it all works...well, obviously, but especially concerning my son, who is in Your full-time care...You see, I love him. And I know You do, too, and that is why he is free and healthy in Your presence, but You know, You don't always work the way I think You should, and, honestly, I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in that sentiment...Believe me, Lord, I know that You are good. I love You and have more faith in You today than yesterday and yesterday more than the day before. I know You know that we here don't get it. I know You know we can't see the bigger picture. I know there is more living to be done, in Your presence, and this place is temporary. I guess I just want to say, "Thank You" for not allowing us to have to live this side of Heaven without You. All the stuff I don't get, I lay at Your feet...that's where faith enters in. But seriously, having a son of my own, I don't know how You did it, but I am eternally grateful You did, because without Christ, I wouldn't have the hope of one day living in Your presence...and now, one day, claiming my treasure stored up in Heaven. Thank You.

P.S. You know the routine...

First, kiss the bridge of his nose where my lips fit perfectly (Yours probably do, too, I'm guessing...), then each cheek, his lips, his eyes, his forehead, nibble each ear lobe, his toes, his fingers, elbows, knees, his belly...make silly sounds on his belly and his neck, please...back up to the bridge, repeat all steps, repeat all steps, enjoy, Lord...enjoy...because I miss him and everything I have is in black and white or one dimensional...You have the real thing...he must be pretty amazing...