I need to know if there truly is a SCRIPTURAL reference for the saying, "God only gives us as much as we can handle..." I can't find it and I feel like it's just a nice christian saying because I can't handle this...sure, I'll get comments now saying, "God knows you better than you do..." but, you guys, this is really hard. If God is the one who gives life and takes it, then why are we in a position as parents to decide if Noah should be on life support...don't worry, I'm not losing my faith in God, but the reality is, I am mad at Him. If I weren't to say it, I'd be lying. There is no such thing as a secret, since God knows my heart...I would hope God can handle my being angry...it's not about me, it's about Noah and God, so that's pretty jacked up!
The docs are all dumbfounded. There are no answers. Monday we will have another big powwow to figure out what the next plan of action is regarding more genetic testing, though the smartest guys in the nation have been reviewing him and have come up with nothing. His MRI pics are being sent to some guys in Europe and across the States to determine if something, somehow has been missed. The CDC still doesn't know why a bunch of mice are dead. Basically no one knows anything except that Noah is hypotonic and needs the ventilator to live. I realize this is a raw post but it's the reality, so I'm not going to blow sunshine at everyone.
There will be talk of nerve biopsies from his eye and arm along with a brain biopsy...we don't know if we'll do the brain biopsy. "What did you do today?" "Oh, I allowed surgeons to biopsy my kid's brain..." This is ridiculous you guys, parents, NO, HUMANS, should not have to make these decisions!
If and when we decide to have Noah on a trache tube, the PICU guys informed us that that means 5 days later he's sent to the regular hospital and then from there, home. Noah is NOWHERE near being able to go home.
I know there are hundreds of thousands of women around the world, every day, that watch their babies die. I feel that void. I am NOT giving up on Noah, please don't think that! I'm just in the hardest place in the world because, literally, the only one who can heal Noah is the only One. I so desperately want that to be His choice! I can have faith enough to move a mountain, but it's not a magic trick, I can't MAKE God do anything...the Bible says that if everything Jesus did were written in books, the WHOLE WORLD could not contain it...I have just as much faith as any one of those women...I know that if Noah dies, heaven is a perfect place, and he will have healing there...I just don't know why He brought him into our lives to take him away...
Well, there you have it...my official faith crisis...good night.