Sunday, November 22, 2009

My opinion...not yours...(raw guts post!)

Recently I was interviewed for our local newspaper. The reporter and I talked for probably an hour and a half. After 15 minutes, however, his recorder died...he was obviously a good listener, though, because he was able to deliver the gist of the story.

At some point during the interview I was sharing how generous people were to strangers...offering things to us we could never afford ourselves, including a generous family from Aspen that offered their private jet to fly us wherever in the world we needed to get Noah a stem cell transplant. He asked me if we had done that...taken the offer, that is...I said no. He asked me, "Why not?" Not in a way that was like, "Why the hell not?" but more like a curiosity question. I said, "Because...when is enough finally enough? What if that procedure hadn't worked, then what?" It's a question I never even considered until further into Noah's hospital quandary.

Fast forward to tonight...I just got done watching "My Sister's Keeper". As a mom of a child that was hospitalized without diagnosis, without any sort of treatment other than the palliative treatment that incurs from a body that slowly shuts down...there is a sense of feeling that the only acceptable answer is a cure. The only acceptable and reasonable treatment is total and complete healing...a miracle...the hope that everything will just go away and be perfect.

And, in my opinion, what happens is that at some point, likely the moment our sweeties are born, the only acceptable action on our part as a parent is to do everything we possibly can to help our children, to save our children, to protect them from harm. The problem is, the junction at which total healing or a cure and knowing that a parent has done everything in their power to save their child is a horrible place. It's horrible because, in my opinion, if the only acceptable answer for a parent is that their child is healed and saved from death, a natural process, what happens to that parent's heart when there is no cure...when doctor's don't have answers...when every rock has been overturned and the outcome isn't pigtails and picket fences and peewee football? It's horrible because it leaves a parent wondering..."Did I do enough?" "What if...?" "If only...blah, blah, blah..."

I hated that we had to choose to put Noah on life support, which, in my opinion, was invented as a temporary breathing aid. We chose it because we absolutely were not convinced that doctors or ourselves, had turned over every rock...I didn't hate life support, itself, but the reality that we were faced with removing him from it at a later date. Some people can live coherent healthy, beautiful lives on life support...Noah's entire body had shut down. He died within a minute...his entire existence depended upon that freaking machine...

People have asked me if I'd do it again. In my opinion, if we were faced with Noah all over again, I would enjoy each day I had with home, in my arms. Hindsight is 20/20, so regarding his specific situation, I'd know what to do now, and likely save him, but say I didn't know...I am at a place in my walk with the Lord that I accept that life includes suffering, and no thanks to Adam and Eve, it includes death. I no longer fear it.

Fighting for a good life is one thing. Living your life to the fullest, in my opinion, is another. Everyone who worked on Noah's case did do everything they were trained and knew to do. The reality, though, is that obviously wasn't enough because medicine is ever-changing and new discoveries are found everyday. Or, was it enough? If "enough" is only measured by the truth that Noah wasn't healed, then, no, it wasn't enough. But, it was enough, because it was their was our was enough because, in my opinion, even though it wasn't the outcome any of us sought, his time was intended here on earth to be short and sweet.

In my freaking opinion, if all of us don't stop to realize that we will die one day, regardless of how, and it may not be when we think it's convenient and it may not be quite like we our sleep when we're still healthy and early 90's...we'll miss out on the life we've been given with the beautiful people with whom we are surrounded...and we'll miss out on the mountains and oceans, flowers and sunrises, laughter and stars, the beauty with which we've been blessed.

In my opinionated opinion, if we don't embrace death, we'll never fully embrace life and if we don't embrace life, we'll never fully embrace death. We cannot have one without the other. And beauty lies with both...

It is my opinion, though it may not be yours, that I did, along with my husband, everything we could to save Noah...and for us, that included the heart wrenching decision to remove him from life support. I have literally made the most difficult decision I will ever face on earth. I know we are not the only ones who have had to make such a decision and that we won't be the last...but, in my opinion, even that decision was still everything we could do for him.

It was in that moment, in my opinion, when the junction occurred between giving him to God and trusting that total healing happens in God's presence, outside of limited humanity, that I knew in my heart we had done everything...even though there were rocks unturned.

(*Disclaimer: This is my opinion. I am not judging other people who have loved ones on life support. I am also not offering my suggestions to others regarding this decision. I am simply sharing my opinion and my heartache and my hope...and my peace.)

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Unsolicited Holiday Advice...

...well, not really. I mean, many people have asked me these particular questions, but *you* haven't, necessarily.

With the holidays approaching, I'd like to offer my findings of what is helpful and encouraging to families, having been a hospital mom for 5.5 months, all of which extended over the holidays.

Q: What was the most helpful thing others did for you while Noah was in the hospital?

A: The answer to this is manifold. We had a beautiful support group of family, friends, our church and other churches, our great neighbors, and the amazing nursing staff that not only cared for our sweet guy, but also looked out for us. One thing, however, that I was quickly in tune to was the reality that this was not necessarily the case for all the sweeties in every room lining the hall. Here is a list of things that blessed us and helped us keep our sanity:
  • People weren't afraid to visit, even though they knew they couldn't do anything for us. When you are in a situation like ours where the doctors are seeking out a needle in a haystack, it can often be scary and overwhelming. This isn't rocket science, it's the obvious response. Visitors like family, friends and people from our church were very encouraging...just having them sit there with us once in a while, or truly, to even be able to talk to someone about something other than medical procedures can be refreshing.
  • And for those who could not visit physically, calls and emails were just as encouraging. One thing to understand, though, is as a caller, texter, or emailer, never EXPECT a return message. Go back to the old rule (which I personally live by...) that a phone and computer are for our own convenience...besides, giving things like time or encouragement for something in return isn't truly a gift...
  • One thing that gave our hearts much peace was how our parents and sister came from AZ,, RI, and SD to help care for Em and Noah, which obviously was caring for us. Jason and I were able to rest either at home or at the hospital knowing that both Noah and Em were in loving care with responsible family members. Obviously at the hospital Noah was in the care of nurses and doctors, but there was no way in hell, and I'm not kidding, that I would have ever left him 'alone' with someone other than family or a very dear friend. I'm not trying to instill fear in a parent who does have to leave their child in the hospital, because obviously God is bigger and when He calls us home, no matter the age, it's our time...for me I had just seen too many "oops" situations and political crap that there was just no way I ever felt like I could leave him w/o a personally invested person represented.
Q: At the holidays, what was something that was helpful to you guys that people brought to the hospital?

A: The holidays can be either a great time of year or a depressing time, whether you or someone you know is in the hospital. Add the reality that you have no release date from the hospital, and it's like getting a lump of coal in your stocking! But, maybe it's because I'm a middle kid and peacemaker that I try to make the most of any situation. Believe me, I'm not boasting, because having a dying kid in the hospital isn't a stellar's many things other than stellar...but I was determined that whatever amount of time we did have with our sweet guy was going to be the best, regardless of wires, tubes, and all the unknowns and negatives. (We are all going to die one day, whether we are healthy until we're 90 and then we croak or only make it to 7 months...this fact, alone, should make us all want to be good stewards of every day and not live in fear... (another post...)).

But, I will say that people come out of the woodwork to give around the holidays. The hospital can be a quiet sleepy place most of the year, but come November and December, everyone and their dog shows up...literally. Their dogs do literally show up for pet therapy, which the older kids love. Anyway, if you are looking to do something for the holidays for hospitalized kids, visits are still great! There were American Idol contestants, professional athletes, guys from the FBI, firemen, cheerleaders, carolers, musicians. If you have a gift/talent, share that with others. It's not intended just for never was...

And, since we're talking about kids here, let's be honest...all kids love toys and stuffed animals. Now, I say this with hesitation because I AM NOT EXAGGERATING WHEN I SAY THAT EMILY HAS APPROXIMATELY 50-60 STUFFED ANIMALS FROM SIMPLY BEING NOAH'S BIG SISTER, THE RECIPIENT OF HER OWN GIFTS FROM PEOPLE AND NOAH LEFT THEM TO HER IN HIS WILL...but, the sweet guy wasn't thinking whether his mom and dad would want all those creatures taking over the house (smiley face)...but he knew Em would adore them. So, there are ways to give clean, new with tags, stuffed animals to the local children's hospitals. Call the local volunteer office and find out how you can contribute. You can't just walk in and give them to a random kid.

When Noah was in Children's there was a program before Christmas where we were invited to a conference room that was organized with tables covered in toys and stuffed animals, all sorted by age level. We were given the opportunity to receive one item per table if it was age appropriate and then there was gift wrapping, as well, which we skipped on, since Noah wasn't big on tearing boxes open. (smiley face...) If your local hospital has such an event, it's a great cause and helps the parents who have been stuck in the hospital without a lot of holiday shopping time to feel like they've had the opportunity to give their sweetie something special.

Q: What is another tangible, measurable way people can contribute around the holidays?

A: Honestly, just like I knew early on that we weren't the only ones at the hospital, I also realized that we may be among the few with such a fantastic support system. Yes, there are usually restaurants around hospitals, as well as cafeterias located within the facility which are touch and go, but that all takes money. During the holiday season one family, who remained anonymous, gave out meal tickets for the cafeteria to all the families who were long termers. Another family gave out gift certificates to restaurants that were in close proximity to the hospital so parents could 'get off campus' but not feel too far away. Our friends and church coordinated 5 months worth of meals for us. So, I guess what I'm trying to say here: meals are a big help to families stuck at the hospital.

If you are creatively inclined, neo-natal units can use sweet petite hats for preemies, as well as blankies to give to families. Besides the toys and stuffed animals, I lean towards a more practical side of giving, so these types of things are useful to the patient and their families.

Another thing would be a sample bag for a mom or dad with shower gel, shampoo/conditioner and maybe a razor and chap stick. One of Noah's nurses was head nurse on a particular day, so, that meant he didn't have his own patients to care for. He walked in the room and found me in the same outfit I had had on for 4 days...he saw my greasy hair and instead of saying, "Lady, you wreak and need to take a shower!" He said, "Adrienne, I don't have anything to do right now. How about you let me sit in the chair and snuggle with Noah while you go grab a shower." See, the presentation was nice, but I got the picture...I was a stinky hospital mom. The two boys sat and read and snuggled while this mom got clean.

This is going to be a two part series...I have to go clean my house and get ready for a local Castle Rock event and Jason is being very patient with me since I told him I'd be on the computer for about 10 hour ago!

I hope this helps if anyone out there in blog world is wondering how to help people with hospitalized kids during the holidays.

Have a great Saturday! I'll be back (smiley face...)

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Take two...

It's not even that I haven't been inspired to's that I have a lot on my plate right now so I haven't had time to sit and look at my computer a ton.

One thing I did get to do that I haven't done in months was hang out with two of my girlfriends on Tuesday morning. I love my friends but it seems we are all in a busy time of life and then, we were talking about how each of us goes through 'funks', but they aren't in sync but instead staggered. We decided we need to 'sync' our 'funks' so that the rest of the year we can just enjoy each other.

I'm not in a funk right now, but I do feel like I'm soaring through life at rocket speed and although everything around me is beautiful and good and exciting to be a part of, I'm not able to enjoy it to the fullest. I do hope I learn all that He intends for me during this season...

God, I need a speeding ticket! Not in the car, por favor, but in life! I'm guilty of trying to do too much at once and thinking I need to be more than You have called me to be in other people's lives. I know I am not 'all that and a bag of chips.' Lord, I am so grateful for the people in my life, my family, my friends, my neighbors, my church, cyber friends, my jobs, my community...but at this rate, I know if I don't slow down I'll miss out on the simple things, the pure and simple beauty that is found in everyday. I don't want to do that.

Lord, can you press slow motion so we can all just stop and smell the roses for a few minutes???

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Join us here in Denver on Thursday!

For almost a year now it has been a dream of mine to see how many people could rally together and raise support to aid in digging water wells for people in third world countries. Spending the amount of time we did with Noah in the hospital opened my eyes to so many things, but especially basic human rights and needs like clean water and sanitation. As a result of casting this vision, several people have stepped up to the challenge.

We are excited to announce that "The Well" Women's Ministry of Red Rocks Church and "The Well" Radio Show on Castle Rock Radio are hosting a benefit to support the people of Haiti.

Please join us for an inspiring night out, including live music, light hors d'oeuvres, wine tasting, a fantastic silent auction including a bebe&boo piece and free advertising on "The Well Radio Show", fun door prizes, wonderful art and more. Mingle with artists and chat with friends while helping us raise money for our well-digging project in Haiti. 100% of proceeds/donations from the event's ticket price and silent auction will go towards our goal of $18,000 to build a well for a school or hospital in Haiti.

Advance Tickets or at the door: $30 individual; $55 per couple

Since 1991 Living Water International has been an implementer of participatory, community-based water solutions in developing nations. We have chosen to raise funds for Haiti because an estimated 3.8 million Haitians (46% of Haiti's population) do not have access to an improved water source, and 5.8 million do not have adequate sanitation. LWI Haiti has successfully completed over 130 water projects in the country, to date. Through the education of children, a nation's future can be changed from one of warfare to one of peace, stability and security. For more information about LWI, please visit

We hope you will join us for this great cause and exhilarating night out in Denver. There are only 250 tickets available! Pre-paid tickets will be held at the door.

Please make checks payable to: Living Water International, a 501©(3) non-profit organization

I am excited to be a part of this evening to raise awareness for the basic need for water. If you live in the Denver area and are looking for a great night out, remember, Thursday is the new Friday, so come on out to Jaz'B'Studio at 8th and Santa Fe from 6pm to 9pm on Thursday, November 19th. Parking is available in the lot diagonal from the studio, as well as on the street. We'd love to see you there!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

I'm not a slacker...

...I've been up in the mountains since Friday at noon, so technically, yes, I could have posted prior to leaving, but I was a bit busy. So, what was going to be an overnight retreat for about a dozen ladies turned into me and two other girls staying an extra night which has turned into the three of us staying a third night. We didn't plan this, but God went ahead and sent a sizable snow storm and icy roads...apparently a sign that we aren't rested enough (smiley face). We'll head home first thing in the morning once the DOT can get the roads cleared. The house we are stuck at has no cable or Internet, so we ventured to town to an Internet cafe and, so, here I sit. We probably could drive back down to Denver today but once we get on the road we'll meet up with all the ski traffic and that just doesn't sound appealing.

Meanwhile, the three of us are enjoying each others company, the beautiful surroundings, great conversation, chocolate,coffee, movies, cards and naps. Two of us are moms so are feeling a bit responsible for not being at home, but since we have fantastic husbands, we know the kids will be just fine. Our other friend just has a fantastic husband, so we know he'll be fine, too.

Our time this weekend has been refreshing. Sometimes we need to steal away from our day to day to get new vision and fervor to keep on doing what it is we do everyday. I'm grateful for this time. I'll post again on my daily routine as soon as I get back to civilization. In the meantime, I'm enjoying the simplicity.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

"Pause...and listen..."

"Pause...and listen" That was the advice we were given today on our radio show. We were talking with Maureen Yockey, Executive Director of Alternatives Pregnancy Center here in Denver, an organization that helps women facing unplanned pregnancy. Maureen, who incidentally is my friend's mother, shared her own story of how her life was affected by abortion when her best friend's younger sister committed suicide after having an abortion. Deeply concerned for her grieving friend, Maureen decided to get involved in the pro-life movement on a more intimate level.

You see, when the younger sister, a pregnant college student hiding her secret, had gone to her older sister to ask her what her thoughts were on abortion, her sister spoke very true words, like that it was "killing, murder, sin, wrong, etc". Her approach, however, left much to be desired. Two weeks later the younger sister was found in her running car in the garage.

It's not that the older sister should not have shared the truth. Abortion is indeed killing. Maureen's point is that, unfortunately since the government has legalized this type of killing, telling people not to do it simply causes them to become defensive...because it's their right. What the government is doing deciding what is moral or not is another issue...Anyway, Maureen's approach is not to project shame, EVER, but to first pause and then listen to the person's story, knowing she can't make them do anything. Hear their heart. Then educate them on the alternatives to abortion...or counsel them after...because abortion hurts women.

She shared the story of one high school star athlete who got pregnant. Her family was a 'church-going' family. Her mom told her she needed to get an abortion. Her track coach ponied up the money for the abortion. The girl started searching the web and found APC. She headed in for an appointment where she learned about the alternatives to abortion. The girl made her own decision, not through influence or pressure from APC, that is not their style or approach, but from simply being given the opportunity to learn. She decided to have the baby.

As you might imagine, our U-Stream chat was pretty active during this particular show due to the topic. There were comments such as:

  • People who have abortions should have a 3 strike rule: 3 abortions and you are out...then there should be required sterilization.
  • Homicide is murder but I don't think I'd sit and listen to why a person was considering it.
  • Suicide is murder, just like homicide and abortion. It's all sin.
  • The church needs to do a better job educating people before unplanned pregnancies occur, but also be a safe place for healing when women have gone through abortion.
There were more but I don't remember them all. I wish everyone listening today could have joined Gina Johnson, my co-host, and I during the commercial break. Gina was saying how it was neat that even though the star athlete was being pressured and told by her mother and coach, two obviously influential adults in her life, to terminate her pregnancy, the girl took ownership of her pregnancy and her choice. No matter the decision, she took ownership.

I think that is a key element when talking about sin of any kind. We can pressure others, or feel pressured by others, to do things we don't necessarily want to do. But, ultimately, our choices are between us and God. We each have to live with our choices. We each need to take responsibility for our actions and not blame the next guy. I understand many of the 'loopholes' when it comes to sex. There are horrible situations like rape and abuse. There are victims in those scenarios. But when two people have consensual sex, the one must stop blaming the other. There are a lot of moms and dads out there that blame the boyfriend who knocked up there daughter...we all need to own our choices and at the same time know that God is bigger. He does forgive us. He loves us and offers us healing from sin.

He does. He forgives us of our sins. God says that if we confess our sins He is faithful and forgives us. He's not a liar. God does not lie. He really does offer us healing and forgiveness through His Son, Jesus Christ. That was the whole point of His death on the cross. That's another post for another day. Anyway, the 'church', and by 'church' I don't mean every person who calls themselves a Christian, but the institution, has not done a good job of offering hope, healing and safety to women who have had abortions or those with unplanned pregnancies. We have been quick to point out the obvious...getting pregnant outside of marriage isn't God's plan...and not quick to pause and listen. Not quick to stop and pray. Quick to not point fingers but to realize we are all fallen people in a fallen world and our God is GIGANTIC and He truly is capable and willing to love us in spite of us.

Our time with Maureen was encouraging and inspiring. We managed to stay in a healthy place during our interview, not allowing fiery opinions or judgmental statements on either side of the spectrum dominate the conversation, but instead hearing one woman's perspective of how "pausing and listening" has been a tool for healing in the lives of many women. I hope you'll tune into our archived show to hear how it went. Chances are, we will all know someone who has either gone through the difficult decision of abortion or will one day consider it. How will we respond? If we study the life of Jesus Christ and the way He lived while here on earth, we will gain a great picture of how we are expected to love.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

This here entry ain't spiritual...

...but it's funny...


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from
Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition,
Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as:
NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running
Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?



First, keep in mind,
Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command:
ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember that overuse of the above application can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do,
DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the
Boyfriend 5.0. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary,
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support

(This was a forwarded email from my aunt...not sure of the source)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

A love letter

Dear Em,

I know you hear Mommy tell you, "I love you", every day, throughout the day, but the truth is, those three words that we humans use to express our deepest feelings are an expression of the Divine. When I tell you how much I love you, I mean it with all my guts. I can't even begin to explain my love for you.

Em, Mommy used to be very, very selfish. I'm not saying I'm not selfish anymore, but my selfishness is definitely different than it was. You see, I never really knew if I'd be a good mommy or not. I didn't really know if I wanted to be one at all, but I thought I would at least give it a try. I know that may sound funny, but for Mommy, I'm a very visual person, so just because other people were parents and made it look beautiful didn't mean that I would know what to do once I was a parent. It was a scary thought...being responsible for another human being is kind of a big deal. So, even while I was pregnant with you, the thought of being a mommy was surreal. Literally, not until the moment I met you at 11:33 am on July 11, 2002, did I know that I was capable of loving another person so much. Now, don't get me wrong...I love your Daddy so much! He and I are very much in love. But he and I would both admit that being your Daddy and Mommy has taught us a love we didn't know existed within us.

The moment I saw you, I knew I would have done anything to protect you, while at the same time, I knew I would have died for you. It was the moment you were born that I finally realized the love my parents had always had for me.

Hugs, squeezes, kisses, snuggles, holding your hand, staring at you, watching you sleep, tickling your toes, looking into your eyes, hearing you laugh, watching you smile...and of course, telling you not only how much I love you but how great I think you are, how smart you are, how beautiful your heart is...being proud of you...these are the limited ways in which I know how to show you how much I care.

I know you may not 'get' this until you are older...or, more likely, you 'get it' better than anybody, but when I say, "I love you, Em", what those three words entail the whole world cannot even contain it. I tell you, "I love you bigger than the Universe", and even then, that amount of space isn't even sufficient for me to truly express how I feel about you...

But Em, even knowing that Mommy loves you that much, what is even more amazing than that is God loves you even more...I know. It's really difficult to grasp, isn't it? A God we cannot even see, but that we know is real, really and truly loves us...every single person on Earth.

I knew God loved me before you were born. I knew that even though horrible things happen on Earth, that He was good. But the moment I met you, I understood His love a little more. If I was willing to do anything to protect you from harm, or even die for you, and I'm just your mom, it's not rocket science that God would do the same for the whole Universe. That He would, and did, do EVERYTHING to protect you from what the Enemy of our hearts intended...that He would literally die for you, and the rest of the world.

Sweet girl, my love letter to you will never end. God's love letter to the world won't ever end either. As crazy and impossible as it sounds, He literally loves us more than we love each other...and guess what?! That's got to be a lot of love because I love you bigger than the the moon and infinity and beyond...


Monday, November 09, 2009

Cutting it close...

Oh man, it's quarter to midnight! Good thing I'm not in the next time zone, or I would have skipped a day.

So, on the way to church yesterday Emily, out of the blue, said, "I think it's weird that I don't remember living in Heaven before I came to Earth."

Jason and I just smiled and didn't try to correct her theology, because, well, I don't really remember if I lived there before I came here either...

I told her that if that is how it works, God probably doesn't let us remember because we would be so sad that we were on Earth apart from Him instead of in Heaven in His presence and so we wouldn't live to the fullest on Earth the way God intends us to live.

I mean, I don't really know, but science has told me I only use 10% of my brain, so, it's quite possible that the other 90% is shut down for Earth living...I'm not saying that's the case, I'm just saying, I don't know.

Either way, how sweet and pure is it that a thought like that would pop into my sweet girl's head?

Sunday, November 08, 2009


...I got nothin'.

This is harder than I thought! I really do feel that besides funny things my kid does, my blog entries should be profound and thought-provoking. It's self-inflicted. Some personality test I took once had me pegged as a "Responsibility" person. I guess if people stop by here, I want it to be worth their time. I know it's not my deal, but it's just how I'm wired. I mean, does anyone really care to know that today I filed my nails and made homemade croutons? Or, that 8 weeks ago I was given a free sample of Latisse and since then I've been growing some astounding eyelashes? Actually, you should see them...they are so stinking long! Anyway...

This season has been interesting for me. And by 'this season' I mean the state of constant change and uncertainty in which I currently reside. And by 'currently' I mean the last year probably. And by 'the last year' I probably could narrow it down to really the last 6 months, but not really more specific than that. Let's just say, it's not where I dreamed I would be as a 30-something...

I've been pondering a lot. I've been pondering life...and by 'life' more specifically I mean all the plans, dreams, ideas, aspirations, and whatnot that I once thought my life would be. The truth is, I'm not living the life I thought I would live one day. I'm not entirely disappointed. Sure, obviously some of it has sucked, but just because it's not everything I've dreamed doesn't mean it has all sucked.

I mean, getting married was in my life plan. And so I am...and that's good. And by 'good' I mean, I am married to my best friend and I am totally in love with him...that kind of 'good'. On the other hand, I was never one of those girls that was super duper excited about being a mommy. For me it was, back in the day, a take it or leave it idea. When my mom told me about sex I was thoroughly disgusted that she had done that 3 times (I have 2 sisters) and when she told me how babies entered the world, I recall vividly at whatever young age that was an involuntary defense mechanism take place between my knees at the thought of the pain and discomfort childbearing would entail. I thought, ", TOTALLY!"

Then, one day, early on in our marriage, a light went on in my heart and I saw what an amazing dad Jason would be. Shortly thereafter I declared, "We could probably have 2-4 kids and let's do that after about 3-5 years of marriage." 6 years into our marriage I had a miscarriage and 9 years into our marriage is when Emily came into our lives. I had thought I was going to be a doctor and drive a fancy car. Do I lament over the first miscarriage? No. If that pregnancy had been successful I might have stopped having kids after Emily and then I never would have met my Noah. At some point I must trust that God sees a bigger picture...and that it's good...

I personally think that there is a reason for everything under the sun. I mean, there was a reason I failed chemistry...(his name was Steve...he was really cute), but seriously...if I hadn't failed chemistry I would not have pursued a different course of study, which is where my true love for people really came alive. Do I wish I was a doctor? No. I have no regrets in this area. At some point I must trust that God sees a bigger picture...and that it's good...

And, I wasn't trying to get pregnant when I had my miscarriage. But having one made me wonder about whether I was up for being a mom or not. Then we had Em and the moment we met her not only was I more in love than words can convey, but I knew I wanted more than just one. I was so in love with her I didn't think, though, that I was capable of loving another child as much. Then I met know the story there...I fell in love all over again. At some point I must trust that God sees a bigger picture...and that it's good...

We make choices. We make mistakes. We hurt ourselves and we hurt others. We openly and willingly at times say 'No' to God. We have an idea of how we think life should 'go' and we do everything in our power to point our lives that particular way. We try to exercise what we think are our rights or our independence, but the truth that I have found in all of it is God is bigger. I'm grateful that He is bigger and I'm also grateful that He has a sense of humor. If He didn't, we'd all be squished by now!

Sometimes we think we 'stumble upon' things. Other times we believe the mistakes we have made are just too big. God is bigger. Life isn't just something that happens. There is a purpose. You have a purpose. Changes are happening all around us on any given day and they aren't just haphazard. Some may be our doing, others directed by God. But the truth is, God is bigger...and He sees a bigger picture...and that picture is good...even if we can't see it clearly this side of eternity.

So, in my current situation, I may not be the picture of what I had dreamed one day...but guess what? He's not done with me!

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Blog Experiment...take one

So, it's been a month. I have never chucked my blog this long since its inception in 2006. I have been busy, that is true, but I also haven't been consistently inspired to write anything on here that is worth cyberspace.

And, in my own defense, what you are not aware of is all the blog entries I do write in my head in the middle of the night that are profound, moving, and even life altering. No, seriously! I have been awake in the middle of the night quite a bit over the last month. I used to get so freaking frustrated when I'd lie awake, thinking of all the sleep I was missing, but I made a conscious decision to quit that route. Being frustrated is exhausting and since I'm already awake, missing sleep, obviously exhausted, why add to it, right? So, I pray for everyone and their dog that I can think of, I design jewelry in my head, talk to God about how cool He is, think about all the ways in which I've been blessed, dream about the moment I can walk into Em's room and look at her in the morning, try to quiet the fact that I can hear my heart beat in my ears and head...and blog in my head. Anyway, people have asked me why I don't just hop out of bed and head to the computer to write down the blog entries that pop into my head. Two words: warm bed. And, the truth is, every morning when I'd wake up after a profound brain blog entry had occurred, the profound thoughts, or at least the deep heartfelt emotion of them had disappeared...POOF! They probably went to the mysterious place in my head where all the emails, texts and phone messages that I send in my head are waiting for replies...

So, here's my experiment...actually I'm a little freaked to type it out here because then I'll be accountable and have to carry through...okay, here goes. For one month, I am going to blog every day. The three people still left reading here didn't even just do a back flip, that's how exciting this news is...

No, but really, I haven't written because I am not inspired to write, but maybe the act of sitting down face to face with my blog will actually inspire me and I'll get my mojo back. Maybe?

Honestly, I've been having too much fun making jewelry and hanging out on Facebook...catching up, posting pictures, cracking one liners, the whole shebang. My kid even started a blog and was more consistent posting than I have been in a while. She's got some good material, I tell ya. And...even though she dictates to me as I type, I don't tell her what she can and cannot say.

So, when I initially sat down to type this I had a blog in my head that was a love letter to went back deep down into my heart and now, instead of typing it here, I'd rather just go play with her outside, watch her toothless smile as she laughs and explores, and hold her hand while we sit on the front porch. Maybe it will come back to me tomorrow morning? I mean...I wouldn't want to use all my material at once...I have a whole month to fill! I hope you get a chance to sit and enjoy those you love.