Let's Talk About It!

I was talking to Em's teacher today while I was volunteering in her classroom. She was so sweet and enthusiastic about the upcoming radio show, wanted to know the content, the details, etc. I told her it is called " "The Well", you know, a show about digging deeper in life for perspective. We'll talk about the hard stuff but not so we all end up like sobbing heaps on the floor but in order to encourage others that no matter what comes our way in this life, we can overcome it with God's perspective."

Mrs.: Have you always wanted a radio show?

Me: No, I never thought I'd be walking this road!

Mrs.: So, how did you happen upon it?

Me: Well, through writing about our journey with Noah on the blog my eyes have been opened to how each of us has a story to tell and that in sharing them, no matter how easy or difficult at times, we can find healing by doing so. And, I have found that even if we don't understand God, are disappointed with Him at times, or don't believe He's good, He's still part of the equation to be wrestled with.

Mrs.: That is so exciting and really important! About 30 years ago our neighbors lost their little 3 year old boy. They turned inward, so devastated, blamed God, stopped going to church, and you could see the anger eat them up. It was so sad! The dad finally died of a horrible cancer.

Me: That is why I think it's important to talk about it, even if it's uncomfortable! I know from our experience with Noah that God works differently than I would but I trust that He knows what He's doing and that He loves us even though we suffer.

So, just this morning, another confirmation to my heart that when we try to walk this journey of life alone we will end up more empty than we started. I am excited to launch "The Well" next Thursday, and every Thursday, at 12pm MST on www.castlerockradio.com. Here's our page link: http://www.castlerockradio.com/pages/page.asp?page_id=71928

Prayers welcome and needed:)

Therapy

My little sister and her husband had this sweet little guy yesterday...my wonderful nephew.

He's not only handsome, he's highly intelligent! But best of all, he snuggles perfectly. I really, really love him!

So, at the suggestion of many of you, and honestly, because I long to see something grow and live and thrive, I have been doing some planting in hopes to see beauty spring up all over the back yard. For those that remember, almost every tree we bought last year has died. We took the last of them out of the yard and planted new things last weekend. Gardening is therapeutic.

Colorado Columbine

Coreopsis

This is Em's xeroscape rock garden...do you see something in the stepping stones?

Going to try my hand with roses...we'll see how it goes...

A beautiful Japanese maple

Em wanted to try one more time with the Norway maple

The Aspen on the right are new

My mom took me flower shopping and we chose these. I can't wait to see how much they grow this year!

I am a bit anal, I'm not going to lie, so I bought two of everything you see here, and planted an identical pot that sits across the porch from it. I'm even Steven...

Laughter and lots of snuggling have also been therapeutic to my heart. Wish I could say those sassy boots are mine but I'd break my neck wearing them...those are courtesy of Em's auntie.

A day walking on Pearl Street in Boulder is always therapeutic...and seeing that my sweet girl can still ride on her daddy's shoulders...well, that's therapy enough for this soul.

We went to Boulder on Jason's sis' birthday...it just so happened to be THE day to be there to enjoy all the beautiful tulips.

Can you believe these colors? Glad God wasn't color blind when He designed flowers!

Knowing that my amazing husband loves me dearly...priceless.
That he is so handsome...bonus!

Em and I went horseback riding, English style, with our friend Kristie. She taught us that the white stripe you see on the horse's face is called a blaze. Who knew? We also learned the difference b/n English and Western.

And, as always, just watching my girl grow up is therapy for my heart. It's not only therapy, it's joy inexplicable! Love, love, love that girl!

So, thank you. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for sharing your hearts with me, as well. It makes me sad that many of us have loss in common. I wish that were not the case. I pray that God would bless your hearts with therapy...His version, however it may look, so that you, too, may be healed.

Changes coming...Part 3...probably the end of it...

That's funny. There is no end in sight when it comes to change. What I mean is, this is the last of my "Changes coming..." series...for now :)


This last week I've had a heightened awareness of the fact that we as humans are constantly on the go, in and out of the grocery store, work, school activities, running here and there, passing one another on our way to wherever it is we must be, yet we don't really stop to ponder that every one of us has a story. We all have different things we are going through, anticipating, experiencing, at any one given time, on any given day. "You don't know me" keeps running through my head...not with the attitude tone that you would think but instead the heartfelt sentiment that we are all crying out to truly be known. Because God made more than one of us, He wants us to see the unique gift that each of us is to the world. So I've been praying more for strangers. I've been looking at people's faces, asking God to show me how I can pray for them, someone I don't know, but that God knows very, very well. Someone that God loves very much. This last week as I went about my business, running here and there, passing others on my way, I knew that it was impossible for any of them to know this chapter of my story...


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Today, when checking out at the grocery store where I had been with my mom and younger sister, who, by the way, keeps calling me, like repeatedly throughout the last week and all day and who happens to be due YESTERDAY with her first baby, but not to tell me she's in labor rather to tell me about the cute things she has seen while out shopping...ANYWAY, after hugging my mom and little pregnant bursting sister, I told the clerk that was my little sister and how weird and exciting it is that she's going to be a mama. (SIS JUST CALLED AGAIN, but just to chat! Have my nephew already!)

Clerk: Do you have kids?

Me, thinking: Well, I lost one through miscarriage 10 years ago. I have one spectacular specimen of a human who is almost 7 years old, my sweet daughter Emily who I can't get enough of. I also have one fabulous little man named Noah, oh so handsome and perfect, that was with me for 7 short months but now resides with the Creator of the Universe. And then, another one, not sure if it was a boy or girl who was due December 25th of this year that I am currently miscarrying...yeah, today, right now...actually for the last week, to be exact...

Me, actually speaking now: I have one daughter who is almost 7. She's pretty great!

Clerk: I have a 19 and 16 year old. The 19 year old just moved out of the house.

Me: I'm sure that is exciting but was it also hard? I will be so sad when that day comes.

Clerk: It was sad for me, but thankfully she lives in town, so we still hang out.

Me: That's great! And how about your 16 year old? Is he in high school, then?

Clerk: He's a sophomore and he is trouble!

Me: Oh man, I'm sorry. That can be a rough age for some.

Clerk: He's getting a little better.

Clerk: Well, I hope your nephew comes soon! Have a good day!

Me: You too! Have a really great weekend!

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I can't explain the peace that the Lord has given me. Over the past week I took a pen and wrote my heart out in a letter to Noah regarding my feelings about the miscarriage I am currently experiencing. It was therapeutic to get it out so then I typed it in a Word document, thinking I would share it here, but it was 4.5 pages long! God has really moved in my heart regarding this last week and has shown me some interesting things I'll write at some point. Jason and I are obviously disappointed that we weren't able to tell Em that she was going to have a baby brother or sister. We wanted to tell her first so she could tell everyone else, but for reasons we do not know, this sweet child was not meant for here. For the longer version, the letter I wrote to Noah, I've included it below. Thank you all for your prayers over the last few years. I know many of you have prayed for us to be able to conceive again. I trust God with those details and if it is His will, I am not discouraged to try again...

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(This is neither the content nor the way in which I thought I’d share this news…because it wasn’t the news I thought I’d be sharing…)

(This has not been edited...it's just my heart on paper...)

Noah, I miss you. Mommy was pregnant and I have to tell you, I was excited! You see, your big sis misses you and quite honestly, she was made to be a helper and nurturer. Without you around, she gets bored and lonely sometimes. She has good friends and obviously mommy and daddy, but I now you were very special to her, little guy. Lately she’s been talking about how much she loves babies and how she’d love a little brother or sister. The problem is, I can’t make promises I can’t keep. I would love to magically snap my fingers and have a sibling appear, but I have no magical powers. I suppose trust is a bit of “magic”, and I definitely have trust. I trust God with all of me. He is smarter and bigger and I know that even thought my heart wants certain things, it doesn’t mean they line up with the bigger picture. So, in April of 2009, I found out I was pregnant. I told your daddy and he was excited! He said, “Let’s wait a little while and then let’s tell Emily first.” Well, I sort of followed that directive. I told my friend, Dr. Julie because I needed her help and support. Then I told my sweet friend, Pearl’s mommy, because I knew she wouldn’t leak the info and that she’d pray for me and that sweet baby. And then, I told your Auntie Danar. Looking back, part of me wishes I hadn’t told her, not because she’s a leaker because she’s not, but because she is pregnant with your cousin. It’s actually why I told her because she told me she was pregnant while we were in NYC on our 40 mile walk, and because never in a million years did I dream that I’d be pregnant at the same time as my little sister. So, for me, Noah, it was an honor to share even just a few weeks of pregnancy with her. Anyway, buddy, I’m not sure how it works or if you two have met, but I had a miscarriage before I had Emily. One day I started to have a little spotting and then that very same day daddy took mommy to the hospital and we lost a sweet little baby we never got to meet. Em later decided that was her big sister Rosie…I figured it was fine for her own heart to decide who that was. Well, having Emily and then you has taught me so much about “treasure”. So, when I found out I was pregnant, after much prayer and a lot of time (almost 4 years since I had been pregnant with you) I was at peace and hopeful for whatever was in store…even if it wasn’t my ideal scenario…whatever the heck that is, right?! Well, I want you to know, I prayed for the sweet baby in my belly. Daddy and I thanked God for the blessing of pregnancy and prayed for your little brother or sister, that they would be a lover of God and a follower of Him all of its days. Even though I hadn’t gained one pound, I held my belly at night when I went to bed and thanked God for whatever His will was. Now, let me back up a minute because there is something even richer you must know about my God and how very in love with me He is…

10 years ago or so, I went to a women’s conference where a Jewish Rabbi shared about the feasts of the Jews and how the line up with the gestation of a baby. I was fascinated! I don’t know where my notes are from that day but I said to the Lord that it would be my desire to have a child during the feasts of the Jews. He knew. I hadn’t stopped thinking of that but then, when you died, I also thought it would be redemptive to have a January baby. And then, I just laughed at myself because, really Noah, Mommy can do her part when it comes to making babies, but that’s about it…And then, of course, when I did the math, wrong mind you, your daddy wasn’t going to be in town during critical dates, dates which I thought would bring a January child. And then, I took the test…and there were two stripes. I went on the computer to calculate my due date. Well, my sweet little man, you must know how surprised I was when December 25, 2009 showed up on the screen! Only God, truly, only He could have done such a thing for my heart!! You see, the beginning of the feast in relation to the gestation of a baby starts with Passover and the final feast is the Festival of Lights, Hanukkah, and in Christendom, Christmas Day…the symbolic day the child came into the world and out into the light! Oh buddy, I couldn’t wait to shout it out and tell the world! I even brainstormed fun ways to tell Em so she could tell her grandparents and aunts and uncles. The Twitters & Facebook status one-liners were flying through my head as to how to tell people we don’t really know but that we love and who have loved us and prayed for us over the years…all because of your sweet life, Noah. Want to hear some of Mommy’s silliness?

Adrienne Graves:…is curious if anyone has any geriatric maternity clothes she could borrow?

…saw two stripes…

…is feeling a little sickish but it’s not even morning…

…snuck and found out her Christmas present…can you guess what she’ll get?

…will be 56 at her kid’s high school graduation…you do the math!

…went and got herself ‘knocked-up’!

…is in the family way.

…never thought she’d be pregnant at 16 years of marriage! She could have her own built in babysitter by now!

Well, then I started spotting. Many women I know have spotted throughout their pregnancies, but still, in the back of my mind, miscarriage lingered. I told the Lord that I trusted Him but that I wasn’t keen on the idea of losing another kid but that if the child was not meant for here, I trusted Him. The spotting lasted all through the weekend and into the early week, and then, it started getting more intense, coupled with cramping. I called my Ob who I had hoped to avoid until around week 36 (kidding) and got an appt for Tuesday. So, yes, little man, what I knew was happening was taking place over Mother’s Day weekend. Some might find that crappy but it helped me treasure my moments with your sister and truly be thankful for what I have. I recognized about 3 of the girls in the office. They all loved your sis when she’d come to yours and my appts. We headed back to the ultrasound room and waited for Mommy’s sweet doc. That’s a story for another day, Noah, but God introduced us for some reason, on an airplane (Mommy talks to strangers on airplanes) before I was even pregnant with you. He is a part of this beautiful story…Well, after “Hi’s!” and him telling us he was proud of us for even trying again, He said, let’s take a look. I said, “Before we proceed with an ultrasound, we don’t have any money or insurance…do you happen to have any charitable donations today?!” Hey, it can’t hurt to ask! I just Praise GOD that we had great insurance while you were with us, Noah!

The scene before me was as I suspected. Doc said, “There’s a yolk sack, and that right there looks embryonic, but it doesn’t look right…and there’s no heart or heart beat. You are right, you’re having a miscarriage.” He said he was sorry, that we could spend a few thousand dollars to analyze the tissue to see what was wrong with it but that what it would confirm is that something was not right so my body was miscarrying. He also knew it wouldn’t have mattered, that I would have had that kid either way, so he encouraged me to head home to rest and let my body do what it had already begun doing. I asked if it was because I had ‘old eggs’. He said that 1 in 3 pregnancies over 35 end in miscarriage. I said, “So, does that mean I have to try 2 more times?” He looked at your daddy and said, “I hope you try a lot more than that!” He’s silly. I said to Doc, “God has designed our bodies in a way to naturally miscarry, and this one wasn’t meant for here.” I said, “We always wanted 2-4 kids…now we have 4, only one at home…I just thought more would be here and not there…” Then I asked the doc if he would deliver my next kid. He said, “If it’s before 6:00 pm! Actually, I stopped taking call 2 years ago…but I’ll deliver yours.” I said, “That’s good since you were fishing when Noah was born!”

So, buddy, long story longer, I can’t begin to describe the peace and hope I have in my heart. I am popping the pain med and trudging through this very painful and uncomfortable step, but I’m not discouraged. Your little brother or sister wasn’t made for here. I’m not going to lie that I, along with your daddy, big sis, and your whole cheering section would love one to ‘stick’. I have learned to be content with much and with little.

And to think that god would bless my heart to show me His love by allowing me the privilege of being pregnant during the feasts, even if my Christmas morning will look differently than I dreamed, well, that just blows me away! I mean, I could have been due anytime and been grateful! He gives us the desires of our hearts sometimes, but it doesn’t mean those line up with His more perfect will. I trust Him.

One last note, did you know that your Mommy feels honored to have been pregnant at the same time as some of the most amazing women that walk this earth? It’s true! Their love for the Lord and their families is inspiring…and I was among them for a short time: DBF, KS, HJC, LC, MD, RG, VH, CB, AAB, to name a few. They did not know, but watching their journeys encouraged my heart.

So buddy, that is the story. Eventually I will share this with Em, but since we hadn’t even told her the good news yet, it’s hard to start with the bad! I will trust God to show me when to share with her and I’ll trust Him to give me the words to speak. She already knows I had one before she was born…it just stinks to have to add to her list of siblings in Heaven!

Just writing this was therapeutic for my heart! Even though part of me wanted to quietly go about this, another part felt strongly to encourage any one else out there on a similar portion of the journey to know you are not alone. I am so sorry for your disappointment and loss! I pray that your heart’s would heal and that you, too, would find hope by trusting God. I know it seems crappy and unfair but if we’d stop measuring our circumstances to some invisible standard of what “she” or “they” have and trust in a more beautiful perspective then loss and grief and suffering will look differently. In light of why I exist, suffering, loss, and grief were some of the key ingredients to why I am able to live by grace…Jesus endured all those things, along with those who loved and followed Him but instead of ending in tragedy it opened the door to hope.

Changes coming...Part 2

Meanwhile, another big change that is coming soon is a radio show that I hope to launch the first week of June with my co-host, Gina Johnson, a spunky 20-something that will help keep this old lady lively! We'll tackle all kinds of topics and we have a line up of guests and regular cast members that is sure to please, including Emily as "Little Kid"...since that's what she is! More details to come, but we've been talking to the producer and are in the branding/advertising/sponsorship phase. Because it's an on-line station, we can literally have advertisers anywhere in the world, so, if you are interested in sponsoring the show as a financial investment or even philanthropically, or if you want to advertise your service or business to a broader audience via the show and our up-coming web page, please let me know at adexoxox@gmail.com We'll be happy to send you information. We are excited because we've decided that a portion of what our show receives beyond the cost to produce will go to a charity that we all as hosts and listeners will sponsor. As a team, I know we can work together and make a great impact!

"The Well" radio show will air weekly for one hour, live, at the lunch hour, 12:00 - 1:00pm MST, on Thursdays at www.castlerockradio.com . The content will be rich! It's a show on digging deeper for perspective in our lives, championing that each of us, EVERY ONE OF US, has a story to tell, and WE ARE ALL A BIG DEAL because God made us. I'm sorry, but I get so tired of only a few in Hollywood being seen as Big Deals when, if we would just look around us, or in the mirror, and see what God sees, we'd realize we are all special! (I get a bit passionate about this!) We will talk candidly about many topics, including the hard ones, and hope to raise awareness of many issues. We would want to hear input about topics you would like to hear. It won't be a Christian show, per se, as we hope to reach a broad audience, but we won't deny or candy coat our faith. We are excited about the line up of guests that we'll have on to encourage and inspire anyone listening, with some surprises that many of you out there will recognize from 'Blog World'. More changes to come...like, a lot more...

The Well at Red Rocks

Ladies, if you live locally and have the evening free, I invite you to "The Well" tonight! My mom is in town and will be sharing. I am pretty biased, obviously, but my mom ROCKS, for so many reasons! But, one of my favorite reasons is because of her heart for the Lord. You can click here to learn more about "The Well" and for directions. If you need a 'refill' or are just feeling dry, I would encourage you to take this opportunity to be refreshed.

Happy Mother's Day weekend!

For all the moms out there...YOU ROCK! But, only one of us can be the best! I am totally kidding! A reader sent me this! Insert your name because YOU are the Mom of the YEAR! Love to you! xoxox

Priorities...

So, I got an email from someone asking me a few questions about priorities, balance and the quality and quantity time I spend with Emily. As I pondered it, I realize that as I look back on my time as a blogger, most of the times that I have been "absent, distant, or neglectful" of this blog, I have been "mindful, playful, engaged and interacting" with my real live kid...and personally, when all is said and done, even though this blog will be a keepsake for her to look back on, I PRAY that her memories of us laughing from hours of tickling, playing in the dirt, snuggling, reading books, creating artistic things and going on adventures will be the true treasures she carries in her heart...not that I kept up on a blog. Sure I'd like her to remember that her mom made yummy, healthy meals and treats, kept a fairly clean house and showered regularly, but if that is ALL she remembers, I will have failed as a mama...I want her to be confident that I did my best, that I loved her to the fullest, that I made mistakes but they weren't fatal, and that I lived life one day at a time with joy in my heart, striving to give God the glory with every imperfection that I have.

...Just some thoughts running through my head today...