A little tired...

Ryan Everett
6 lbs 5oz
20 in
Born at 4:41pm on August 28th, 2010
A blessing from God
We just got home today and Adrienne will post more later ~ Jason

(Adrienne here...just got a text from my friend...if you happened to check in a little earlier, we are obviously tired. No, we did not name our son "Noah Everett" as Jason had posted. His name is "Ryan Everett" and he totally stinking ROCKS! I'm excited to share the journey, but as I said earlier, I'm busy staring at our new guy, working on the kink in my neck, and loving every minute of it...I will post later, but just wanted to confirm that we are tired, not crazy, and did not name our son after his big brother...we named him after a different hero...)

I like most things natural...produce, peanut butter, acupuncture, herbal remedies...but, baby, I'm not gonna lie...I'm loving this epidural! Just hanging out waiting to meet "Baby Nacho".

Redemption?

So, I guess since I'm due in less than a week it's probably time to have some more belly shots...my friend Gina took these of me on my front porch. The memory on my camera has been full and I've been a bit busy. I guess documenting this pregnancy has been a bit surreal for me.

Anyway...

I've realized that I think I'm afraid to actually meet "Baby Nacho". I remember after Noah died that I wished I could have gone back to when he was in my belly, safe, alive, just the two of us, him tucked away from the cares and curse of the world.

Everyone keeps wondering when this little man will make his grand entrance. I know I should be so excited, but it does not seem real. I obviously don't know the future, but part of my heart wants to keep him all to myself because as long as he's in my belly, at least in my heart, he's okay.

Yeah, it sounds like I have zero faith, hope or trust that God's got a different scenario laid out for this child. Believe me, my faith is way bigger than zero...

People have said things to me over the last several months to the effect of, "God will redeem the situation" or "Oh, it's a boy! What a redeeming story!"

I have some serious thoughts, feelings, and words about the above sentiments. God does not have to "redeem" anything. By us having another boy doesn't mean God is "redeeming" our loss of another little boy. What if this one was a daughter? Would that mean He was only sorta redeeming it? What if we had never been pregnant again? Would that mean redemption wasn't written for us?

Redemption or redeem is defined: to buy back; to win back; to free from what distresses or harms; to change for the better; to repair or restore; to atone for or expiate as in an error

God did not make an error when He made Noah the way He did. And, another baby boy will not win back Noah's life. And as far as "buying back" or "winning back"...my heart never ran away...even though I don't always understand or agree with the way God runs the Universe, I totally trust Him and trust that the bigger picture He is able to see is much more glorious than the one I see, even with eyes of faith...so no, I don't need "buying back" because I never ran.

God is amazing and so difficult to understand at the same time! I believe whether we ever had another child or not, Redemption, in its true definition, has already happened in our lives. It is for every single person on the face of the earth from the beginning until the end who will choose to believe. It was planned for since day one in time, and it occurred about 2000 years ago through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. He is our Redeemer.

And this is a different boy, not in place of the last one, but another one, a different one, with his own story...a story that will be written one day at a time because of God's grace...and for God's glory alone.

Trivial pursuit...

After Noah died I could never imagine myself thinking or acting on anything that didn't have eternal value or a world changing after effect.

Engaging in the day to day was a difficult task, not only physically but emotionally and mentally. I had difficulty having trite conversations or giving a rip about petty pursuits...yet at the same time, because I live on earth, I would have to embrace those pursuits like laundry, grocery shopping, filling the car with gas, even dusting gigantic creatures out from behind long neglected furniture or caring about the PTA.

I hated it! I resented that day to day existence didn't have more of a "POW" or "PUNCH!" I still had to make dinner and my kid was still dead.

Continuing on, not "moving on" or "getting over it", but continuing on is one of the most difficult steps of grief. I'm no grief expert, but I sure as hell know what I'm talking about when it comes to my own grief. Sometimes, in order to get through another day without the person you loved, you just have to not care what the heck anyone else thinks and allow your heart and mind to be somewhere else...somewhere trivial...somewhere not centered on loss and despair...because that will always be there.

Going there may cause feelings of guilt, but there is no ONE WAY to grieve...and I personally advocate escapism when it comes to grief...and I could sure use a dose.

Grief sucks because as long as we've lost someone we loved, we'll always grieve. We will never NOT grieve. Even with time, which for me personally has helped bring some healing, we will still miss those people...wondering.

No, I won't and don't spend every single day missing Noah. But there hasn't been a day in 4 years that I have not thought about him. Days and dates come and go that hold significance for the short 7 months he spent on this earth...

One day in particular was the day Noah was admitted to the hospital...for the rest of his life. It was August 2nd, 2006. Four years later, on August 2nd, Jason and I spent the day with friends we love like family...in a hospital here in Colorado, where we all said goodbye to someone we loved very much.

And yet, somehow in the days leading up to the guys' surgeries, we were living life just like the next guy...dropping Em off at camp, surprising her with a "TWEEN" room makeover, running here and there, nesting for "Baby Nacho".

And then life stopped. Literally. At least for a lot of people who loved Ryan.

And then the part that sucked is that life started to continue...but for us, just as it has affected our lives since Jason's dad's death, Noah's death and now Ryan's death, life will include some trivial, but it won't be trivial. There will be a "norm", but life will be anything but "normal".

Just like the tag line for the retreats my non-profit organization hosts states, we will "find the extraordinary in the normal".

Picking up Em from camp...she informed us it was the first and last time she'd be going there.
(So, it did not go quite as we expected...)

Em's favorite color is aqua...somehow I caved and decided to paint her room that color...she is completely OVER pink and so INTO aqua.

Above is a 200+ year old sleigh bed I slept in when I was a girl (less than 200 yrs ago, of course). I found "TWEEN" bedding that incorporated all the colors she's currently "into".

Em and Lady loved the room and she, at 8, now thinks she's pretty old and cool!

And, for whatever reason, this hideous thing made it into the room because she was given a dollar at a garage sale to buy whatever she wanted...I think when I was a girl I had glass swans with liquid in them and paper mache clowns from Mexico...sorry, Mom! What a decorating NIGHTMARE!

Lady loved the new look. She pretty much just loves Em and likes to snuggle her and follow her places.

For those who recall, I painted those glow in the dark rings and circles for her original pink little girl room. They still glow so I'm not touching those.

That's Em's little "vestibule" in her room where her mirror is now face height so she can apply clear lip gloss.

And those are 50-60 year old baseball mitts that were my dad's when he was a boy...they are a glimpse into the trivial I've been working on since, in the midst of all the last month has brought our way, we still have something very monumental and extraordinary on the horizon...and it's the anticipation of a sweet baby boy's arrival into this world. I'll let you see what I'm doing with them in another post.

TIME

The "Fall of Man" was for sure, by far, hand's down the crappiest day since the dawn of TIME.

I know there have been terrible, horrific, life-altering days throughout the history of the world that have affected more people than just the first two people loved wholeheartedly by the Creator of the Universe, but as far as changing the whole course of history...that day sucked, for sure!

I mean, really, right?! Oh, poor Adam and Eve! Yeah, they had it so rough, right?! I feel really sorry for them. God made them...in His own image...showed the vastness of His love by giving them every good thing He had just creatively made in The Garden, save ONE. We all know that genocide kills more people than Adam and Eve, and besides, they left The Garden with their lives!

Yes, they did leave The Garden alive...but now they would surely know the effects of death.

I know to the naked eye, the fact that Adam and Eve weren't zapped with a lightning bolt and fried to a crisp for their disobedience makes some think the effects of their choice were not all that grave...or that their consequences were simply felt by them...make no mistake, it was a grave decision...and we still feel the repercussions.

One repercussion of The Fall, I believe, is TIME.

We live in TIME. We measure it. We function within TIME. For us, those living here on Earth currently who can read this blog, TIME is all we know. Unless we've been to Heaven and returned, we cannot fathom the difference between life measured in ETERNITY and life lived out in TIME.

Part of The Fall is that we live in the tangible yet are expected to hope in a faith we cannot see but somehow are able feel.

Don't get me wrong, TIME can be great! The anticipation of an exciting event like a birth or marriage, a vacation or TIME spent with people you love...that kind of TIME can be so beautiful and fulfilling.

And then, of course, the passage of TIME can be trying sometimes, even excruciating. For instance WAITING for something you really want, like a kid waiting for their birthday or Christmas...the place where waiting and patience collide.

I've read in God's word that "life is but a breath". I have gathered from His word that God functions in a different realm of TIME than I can see or grasp. I have experienced that life is short, yet losing someone we love, regardless of how much TIME we did get to spend with them, as long as we live on this Earth, that amount of TIME will never be enough.

Whether it's 93 years, 49 years, 34 years, 20 years, 7 months, or an hour, because we live within the boundaries of TIME, it will always hurt for those of us left over.

It's no secret that since losing Noah my perspective on life and death has radically changed. The same is true about TIME. When Jesus said He'd be back "soon", I know He meant it...even though according to our measurement that was, like 2000 years ago! So, I have to allow my heart to trust that "soon" to God is measured differently than "soon" to us, here and now.

And one day, when we are able to see more clearly because we will be with God, I imagine we won't even have to measure TIME or look back and wonder why then, why so soon?

We will be in ETERNITY, free from the effects of The Fall and with all the TIME in the world.

...until then, even though we hope, we grieve in TIME.

Ryan and Chad's story...

I wanted to share this link to our friends' story...we really have no words. We just love our friends and grieve deeply with them, while at the same time, we will stand with Chad and his family as they fight to live abundantly and live with hope.

The strangest thing...

Literally, as soon as I decided I shouldn't travel within my last 3 weeks of pregnancy, my Braxton Hicks and contractions stopped...more or less. Actually, I took Em and some of her friends from South Dakota to the pool and swam several laps...it totally helped calm the belly down, and was quite refreshing.

I know I just needed a chance to let my heart and mind and body take a break from the ache I feel. It's not that I stopped caring about the recent circumstances or our grieving friends, I just realized that Big Mama needed a little self care, too.

And, just as a heads up for those who have shot me messages and texts wondering, my appointment last Friday went well and the sweet little guy is head down but NOTHING else is going on! Thank You, Lord! And, thank you, son, for being obedient to both me and your daddy...Jason gave my belly a firm talking to before he left for South Dakota. He told "Nacho" that he needs to chill for at least two more weeks. Two of my girlfriends are coming over tomorrow to help me power nest the nursery and organize my brain/life a little. And, Jason is going to sand and paint the crib and changing table on Saturday.

And, my little sister, who is due the same day, and I are really trying to somehow control the Universe and coordinate our labor. No pressure, right?! No, but it would be convenient for us to deliver around the same time for our doctor's sake, our parents, visitors, etc...I'll keep you posted on just how much control I have over the Universe...(don't hold your breath...I've never been able to control it in the past...)

We still don't have a name for our little man, but for a while have been considering a few favorites. I guess we'll just have to meet him and see what he looks like he should be named...meanwhile, I affectionately refer to him as "Nacho". This WILL NOT STICK post-par tum, FYI! So, don't even try! :)

It seems surreal that Jason will soon hold another son in his arms. He's such a great dad and I know his son will more than want to emulate his daddy's life. (Actually, I just got an "Amen" from my belly when I wrote that, so...there you go...)

Emily has asked to be the third one after Jason and me, to hold her little brother. I told her absolutely! She's pretty excited about it. Of course she won't be in the delivery room with us, but hopefully, if the time of day is conducive, she'll be right outside the door.

A lot of people have asked if we'll have a "Sip and See" or "Meet and Greet" after "Nacho" is born. I'm thinking since I haven't had a margarita since I got pregnant that a "Sip and See" will be totally appropriate :) I'll let you know! Wink, Wink!

Thank you all for your prayers and continued support of our friends, The Arnolds, of South Dakota, Colorado and New York. We love them all very much and, as Jason wrote on his Facebook page, will miss Ryan every day of our lives. If you don't know the story or want to know how you may help, go here.

Apparently...

Apparently...stress brings about contractions...or at least mega-Braxton Hicks.

Apparently...even though I have been trained throughout my life in different leadership settings to appear calm in extremely stressful situations, my body wasn't trained as well.

Apparently...the European pregnant ladies know a little something because a half a glass of wine (don't judge me...) during false labor shuts it right down...unless, of course, it's not false!

I don't have time to go early. I am 36 weeks and though I know that next week marks "full-term", I still have stuff to do...plus, Jason will be out of town...and holding Em's hand in the delivery room just isn't the vision I have for welcoming this new little man into our family.

I go in tomorrow for a routine appointment. Hopefully it will be underwhelming in its findings...

I still have a nursery to decorate along with a good, thorough cleaning of this pigsty we are currently calling "home"...oh, and I haven't packed my bag and I haven't bought newborn diapers in four and a half years!

But I don't want to do any of that. I want to sit and snuggle my kid and pat her little puppy, Lady, and cry because my heart is so sad.

You know, it would be nice to have material other than grief and death to blog about but, apparently, that's not my lot in blog world.

Death sucks. I'll say it again. Death sucks. It doesn't suck for the one that has died because knowing Christ and meeting the Creator of the Universe is epic and quite impossible to explain or conceive on earth. Death sucks for those left behind, or as I say, "It sucks for the leftovers."

I've said it more than once and I'll say it again. Life on earth outside of God's presence is not where we were originally designed to be. We all, though, only know this side of Heaven (at least if you are reading this and haven't been there and back lately...) so, of course we try to make this life great and make the most of it. The only problem is, we forget that living on earth is as close to Hell as we should ever want to be. Earth is a fallen world.

Experiencing love and laughter, joy and hope on this earth is a sweet, sweet thing. God would have that every one of His created could know those beautiful glimpses. That's what I need to hold onto...the reality that goodness here on earth is, quite possibly, a glimpse into life in God's physical presence, yet mine to enjoy here and now...a taste.

Separation in death from those we have known and loved is a glimpse of the Fall of Man. It absolutely should hurt and cause us great sorrow.

Though, in knowing Christ, somehow in His miraculous strength, unfathomable to us, we are also able to have hope...

"Hope, however, that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?" Romans 8:24

We hope for Heaven. We hope for the day that we will walk with Christ, tangibly, physically. We hope for the reunion of those who have gone before us.

I am just so grateful that I have hope in the midst of life on earth...and in the midst of grief.

I can't imagine my life without hope... or without hope in the One who has given us life.

(Now, for my appointment tomorrow...I hope this little man knows he's totally grounded if he thinks it's acceptable to arrive any earlier than is convenient for his mama!!!! Doesn't he know I have a lot going on?! #$%^&*)

Exemplary

Ry, I can't write now but I just want to thank you for your profound example of life and love you lived on this earth...

I can't begin to explain how much Jason and so many others will miss you...

You were a rock and a truly amazing man for your young years...

Thank you...we love you and miss you a ton already...

We promise, we will make this life count!

Please pray...

Please pray for our friends, Ryan and Shannon Arnold and Chad and Cristine Arnold. Long story short, Ryan donated 2/3 of his healthy liver to his brother Chad on Thursday for a live liver transplant. Both guys were recuperating. Last night Ryan had to be readmitted to the ICU after being in code blue and is in very critical care.

Their Caring Bridge site is:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/ryanandchadarnold

These two guys Jason grew up with in South Dakota. They are not only friends but are like family to us. They were both in our wedding. Their wives are my friends. We love them all very, very much and our prayers for them are not ceasing!

I will leave you with this:

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you make the Most High your dwelling - even the Lord, who is my refuge - then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

- Psalm 91

*All updates will be on the guys' Caring Bridge site. I will not be posting. I just wanted to ask you all for your prayers.