The two pictures above are from the early morning hours of January 12th. We didn't want to sleep and miss out on our last hours with our little guy. Noah would sometimes make little lip quiver expressions, though not that frequently, so it's cool that the one above was caught on camera. I'm doing a photo project right now, so am going through all of Noah's pictures from pregnancy to January 12th. It's heartbreaking to see the the timeline of Noah's health decline...I miss him so much that I even had the CRAZY thought yesterday that I would have even loved to be pregnant with Noah the rest of my life, minus the cheeks and thighs, just to carry him with me in perfect health. Not quite sure what my answer might have been when people asked, "When are you due?" but even so, he'd be with me...There are so many birth defects and diseases that don't manifest until outside the womb. My friend's baby lived beautifully in her womb without a brain but not in this world...she just wasn't meant for here, just like Noah, just like so many other babies and children that make brief appearances.

Anyway, last night our church had a worship and prayer service at the west campus where we had Noah's service on January 15th. It was our first time back to that building since the service because that following weekend we started attending the second church site downtown. As I knelt there praying, floods of memories started rushing through my mind. I saw myself pregnant there, I pictured Noah nursing in one of the pastor's offices, holding him in his carseat in the foyer...He and I never made it into the service that day because he took so long to eat...The last time we were out there we were surrounded by a lot of people who love us and who adored Noah. It was bitter cold, but thankfully not too cold for the beautiful dove release. Anyway, last night one of the pastors prayed for us and encouraged our hearts. It had been a hard day for me and for Jason emotionally. Sometimes the tears are like a misty Seattle day and others like a Gulf Coast hurricane!

Well, I have to go tidy up because we put our house on the market Friday and have already shown it twice. It's hard having to 'get lost' but it's in God's control. Obviously it's up to Him if and/or when/where we move, so we just do one day at a time...We just want to be where He wants us and when.

I feel compelled to share...

God reminded me of a 'scene' from my life when I was 16, living in Grand Rapids, Michigan. At the time I did not learn the lesson. It wasn't until years later, in my later years of college and from then on, that I truly started walking in what God showed me that day...

You see, I used to be extremely insecure. It was mainly about my weight and body image, and anything that had to do with speaking in public. I thought I looked like the whale above though I was a pretty active person playing basketball in high school and swimming competitively for 12 years. I constantly compared myself to other people, worried about how I looked and was pretty much on some sort of diet or eating obsession from 5th grade until I was 20. I seriously thought people were staring at me in public. I even had an intense fear/insecurity of speaking in public which God delivered me from my freshman year in college. So, anyway, here's the 'scene'...

I was a sophomore in high school. I had to go to the mall to get something, what, I have no recollection. I went with my mom but the plan was to split up and meet after we were done with our own errands. She headed off and I started walking toward the store, needing to cross through the center of the mall where there were planters and many people sitting, waiting, and others on their way to their destinations. All of a sudden, I was paralyzed with such deep insecurity that I thought everyone was staring at me. I could not move and I never did run whatever errand it was I had set out to accomplish. I sat down and waited for my mom, trying to look like I meant to sit down. I remember not being able to breathe very well and wanting to cry but then everyone really would have been staring at me. I don't think I ever told my mom...

It wasn't until later that God showed me how my insecurity and low self-esteem was actually chronic self-absorption. I was totally selfish and self-centered. I was thinking so much about not wanting others to think about me, that I was spending all of my time thinking about ME. I was so concerned about what others thought, that I hadn't left room in my life to know what God thought about me. I actually cared more about others opinions of me or the opinions of the world in general, that my worth was measured by the created and not the Creator. No one was staring at me. No one cared what I looked like...

Each time I had to step out of my comfort zone and walk into a normally insecure situation, I gained more and more confidence in the freedom of knowing who I was in Christ. My speech class my freshman year was pivotal in this. I used to dread speaking in front of anyone. My knees used to knock and my lips would start quivering awkwardly. That day my speech was being video-taped and 30 seconds after I began, I stopped, froze and started crying. I asked the prof if I could start over. She politely said no, that I was doing great, and to proceed. I couldn't believe it! I could not believe she wouldn't let me start over! A friend was sitting in the front row and the look on her face shouted, 'Oh, you poor thing! I feel so sorry for you!' So, I did the speech, and as I began to speak, I gained more confidence. Later that week when I received an 'A', I could not believe my eyes!

Anyway, this is getting exceptionally long, but God brought it to my heart the other day. Perhaps it was to encourage my spirit from where I once was to where I live freely today. My name, 'Adrienne', means 'Confident, Bold, Rich'. A girl asked my friend the other day if I was always so bold in my walk with God. My friend answered that I definitely am more so than I was before Noah came into my life, and she's only known me for 4 years. She asked if I ever felt funny being so bold about talking to people. I'll tell you all, the more I'm vulnerable and real, the more I do what the Holy Spirit tells me to do (that's that deep gut feeling you get sometimes), it's not that it becomes 'easier' necessarily, it's that it feels right. A sense of peace, even if it's weird...

Honestly, what do I have to lose? People may be looking at me, but it's not about me...that's the freedom. I hope this encourages some of you or someone you know to break out of your shells of insecurity and walk in freedom. I pray that you will also walk with confidence in the name God has given you, which is 'child, beautiful, and beloved.'

First things first...Nick is doing so much better! He's out of the ICU and has been able to have visitors, though his daughters want to see him so badly and haven't been able to due to fevers and sniffles...another thing we can add to the prayer list. The docs are still waiting for lab results, but the important thing to note is that Nick is miraculously here today and that is undeniable. Thank you, Lord!

We had a great time in Florida! It was a humbling experience to be blessed by so many different people who generously gave of their resources so that we could take a trip as a family. Our church linked with friends in Celebration (Orlando) at Celebrate Church, along with people within the Celebration community, and, in a nutshell, knocked our socks off! We spent a few days at a gorgeous resort near Celebration, went to Mickey's house, saw Shamu, ate in downtown Celebration every night, saw fireworks, and hung out at the pool each day. Jason made me go get a facial and a massage, so, as hard as it is to talk with stuff on your face and lips, by golly, I shared Noah's story and the love of Jesus with those two ladies! We even got to go backstage of the dolphin show and see the animals up close and personal! Definitely a highlight memory!

So many English were on holiday everywhere we went. I met a woman named Joyce from Chester at the pool one day. She was on holiday with her daughter and her family for 5 or 6 weeks. They had been all over Florida. I shared with her why and how we were enjoying such a special trip. She said we have something in common...She lost her first child to miscarriage. Her daughter is married and has two children. Her son, John, died 13 years ago from cancer. He was 26 years old and had just been married one year. She assured me that she will never forget, and neither will we...she shared that some people avoid speaking to her altogether. Others literally cross the street when they see her coming, to act as if they did not see her, rather than saying anything. So odd...13 years later. Her friends still speak of John, obviously not all the time, but I could tell it meant a lot to her to even share his life with me, a complete stranger. It was interesting to have a glimpse of someone else's life years down the hard road. I encouraged her of the hope we have in Christ and the peace of heaven. I can honestly say that was the first time I hugged a stranger in my bathing suit! Jason made me go get a facial and a massage the last day at Reunion, so, as hard as it is to talk with stuff on your face and lips, by golly, I shared Noah's story and the love of Jesus with those two ladies! (And they thought I was their captive audience...I was on vacation, but not from sharing a message of hope and peace!)

We then headed out to St. Petersburg for the final days of our trip to a great condo another family offered us. The beach was crushed shells out front of the hotel. It was beautiful and warm and very soothing watching and hearing the waves hit the shore. We spelunked for shells everyday, gathering a collection of our favorites which we brought home and have sorted a few times. Emily claims we can hear the ocean in every single one!

The last day we drove out to a state park to comb the beach before dinner...what is it about sand that beckons every person, I would venture to guess, to draw a picture or write someones name? We all know it is going to eventually wash away, yet we still do it. It's like natural graffiti. I wrote Noah's name because I was thinking of him every minute of everyday...we were on a vacation because of him...That night Jason tucked Em in while I started packing all of the generous gifts we had been given into our suitcases. We don't have cable, so when we go on trips we flip through the channels, usually getting sucked into some cake decorating contest on the Food Network, a remodel show on HGTV, or some medical mystery on TLC. Well, as I packed, I watched a medical mystery show and lost it when one story was about a baby boy whose prognosis was bleak. I was so sad those parents and older siblings endured all they did, but was encouraged that all of them said their lives were richer because of it. Their little guy is still with them for only God knows how long, but it was cool to see them making the most of everyday instead of living too far into the future...

Anyway, Jason, Em and I are so grateful to have had a week in Florida courtesy of so many generous people. Thank yous are on the way, but we enjoyed each other and being able to meet some of you. We pray that you and yours would be blessed for how you have blessed our lives and hearts. What a memory to treasure...a trip because of Noah! Thank you!

Wow!

As of 1pm, Nick is off the vent, breathing great on his own, and the docs can no longer find the blood clot that was in the mesentary vein just yesterday!

Nick was able to share details of how suddenly everything happened before he collapsed yesterday. He also shared that he had a sense of peace...AWESOME!

Docs still don't know the cause, but thanks for your continued prayers, people! You just witnessed God's miraculous hand...

Above are some faces you can put to your prayers...
Yesterday, God led Nick to the right place at the right time! The doctors have all admitted that collapsing in the hallway of the ER was the best place for him to be...He is stable, in the ICU, intubated and sedated. Their family has come into town to help support them. Please pray for wisdom for the doctors of what tests to run as they have no idea what caused a very healthy 37 year guy to have so much water around his heart.

I'll keep you posted and look forward to sharing about our time in Florida. Thank you all for your prayers for our friends and for the other people in your own lives that God has put on your hearts.