Locks for Love

In one month it will be one year. One month, one year.

Anyway, I mentioned it a long time ago, but now it's quite official. On January 12th, 8 of my local girlfriends and I will be donating our hair to 'Locks for Love', http://locksoflove.org/index.html in Noah's memory. No, Noah never needed a wig, obviously, but from living at the hospital for ever 5 months, I am thankful that my eyes were opened to the needs of other children and their families. And, if you want to get technical, hair isn't a need. Yes, we were designed with hair follicles, but many people live without hair everyday. Yes, I realize that food, water and shelter are real needs for children throughout the earth, but donating my hair to a kid that is sick and has lost their hair for whatever reason is an easy thing to do, and let me tell you, my hair needs a serious cutting! There will always be a 'better' or 'bigger' way to fill a need somewhere, but I pray that does not stop people from being generous givers. No, I can't donate a ship or airplane to a ministry that takes food and medical supplies to starving and sick people but I can give food or medical supplies, or 10 inches of hair. You get the point.

Anyway, the owner of a local salon will be donating the cost of our haircuts to a charity of our choice, we'll simply be tipping the stylists. I don't know if you have been saving your hair for a rainy day or feel moved to get a radical new look, but if you happen to have 10 extra inches of hair hanging around, would you and your friends be willing to book out your local salon on January 12th in Noah's memory and any other child that you want to honor? It would be so cool for 'Locks for Love' to have loads of ponytails filling their mailbox that following week! If you, on your own, or you and a few girlfriends (or guy friends...there are some seriously long locks on some guys out there!) are able to do this in your own town, will you please email me and let me know?

Also, please take your camera along for lots of pictures and then email them to me. I'll post them with locations, and your names if you want, along with our pictures on Noah's blog in January.

I donated my hair probably 4 and a half years ago for this, but I'm pretty sure this haircut will go down in my personal history as the most memorable and rewarding. Haircuts aren't just haircuts anymore.

Man, I miss that boy! Every minute, every day.

For the most part, have you ever noticed that when people go on shooting sprees they have agendas, even when they then decide to take their own life? They may never leave a note, but I'd say hatred is a pretty evident cause.

My heart has been extremely heavy all day in regards to the two separate shootings that took place here in CO. It's all very close to home, and I'm not talking proximity only. We have been supporters of many a YWAMer over the last 14 years. We have had family and friends go through their training and share in their outreach all over the world. We love their ministry and love what God is doing because of their obedience. My sweet friend goes to that bases' worship service sometimes. As far as New Life goes, we have old friends that we love very much on staff there. We went to college with many of the staffers there. We've prayed for them during their pastoral change of guard and will continue to pray for them during this tragedy. This was just days after I learned that my friend and her two little ones had left the Omaha mall 30 minutes prior to the other maniac's shooting spree. She's moving within miles of New Life church in a few weeks...

Jason and Em and I were praying a lot for the different situations today...that the shooters would be brought to justice (only one is still living and on the loose, I believe), that God would convict their hearts (and if they have friends who knew of their intentions, that they would turn them in...), that healing and comfort would come to all the families, friends, and colleagues involved in each scenario, and that especially for the staff and students of YWAM, worldwide, that their hearts would be strengthened to share the gospel all the more, despite the devil's attempts to discourage.

I think the devil is nervous about something...call me crazy (it's okay, you wouldn't be the first) but it doesn't seem like the devil goes on shooting sprees within 'Christendom' in churches or other para-church organizations that don't really have firm foundations. The pastor that preaches nice fluffy sermons that stroke egos, lack Truth and don't convict their hearers of sin and righteousness should feel relieved if they never have any sort of trouble within the walls of their congregations. I'm not saying that if you don't have problems, your church is dead to the Truth, but an old pastor of mine used to say if he were demon possessed, he'd go to a church where they didn't believe in demons and where they certainly didn't cast them out...Let's face it, Jesus has always ticked people off.

When horrible things like this happen, as strange as this may sound, (perhaps it's because I am a middle kid, a peace maker, an optimist) knowing the fruit of the lives of the people I know in both YWAM and New Life, I can't help but think that their love for God and pursuit of His will really pisses the devil off in a big way. Sorry for the french but really, the ones I know are not fluffy Christians that just claim the name for fire insurance purposes...

No, I can assure you it does not make the grief any easier! I pray for the peace of God to comfort the hearts of all those left to grieve their loved ones and live with an ever-present hole in their hearts. I pray for hope to replace despair. I pray for people to surround them in prayer and in tangible ways. I also pray that just like people still live in New York City, Londoners still ride buses, and students still attend Columbine High School, (and countless other scenarios) that people of all ages will sign up all the more for YWAM bases at any of their 1,100 bases and that people wouldn't be afraid to go to church. One thing many Americans do well is live in fear, crippled by worse case scenarios. What if? Bad things happen. What if you know that but trust God regardless? 100% guarantee: What satan intends for evil, God WILL turn around for His glory! Take that, you sick twisted devil.

Grief counseling, week 9

This is the picture that was up on the board at counseling for the last 9 weeks.
Jason highlighted this picture in the book he showed last night because it's one of his favorites of Em. She was ecstatic to be a big sister...

Well, last night was our final group counseling session. It was a schizophrenic combination of emotions for me. I walked in excited to see all the other parents that I have grown to love. I looked at the board where the faces of all our children and their names have been on display for 9 weeks and felt sadness and hope. Then, after we sat down and learned the evening agenda, the task of sharing a nugget from our child's memorial service, then walking up to the board to remove our child's picture, take a rose for remembrance and light a candle, I felt as nauseous and grieved as the first night we learned every one's stories. Grieved because each parent was taking down a picture of their child and nauseous because in the Spring, a new group of pictures will grace that board...

I love the other parents in that room. I loved what they shared of their children and am humbled by the transparency that took place in that room each week. Life is constant change. I know this. We all know too well that life does continue on, but for each of us we live a new normal. Whatever the heck that is...normal.

As Jason eloquently put it last night, "I feel like I'm in Junior High borrowing my friend's homework assignment and trying to pass it off as my own..." With the move last week, even though we kept our folders out, we totally spaced our homework assignment. Jason actually hadn't gone the Monday before Thanksgiving because he was in Kansas City for work and I skipped out a half hour early because I went to join him and see friends for a couple of days. I collected all the paperwork that week but we just never looked at it. We walked into group last night and there were lots of yummy treats to share. Yeah, that was on the assignment...And then, people had 'Show and Tell' tokens from their child's memorial service to share with everyone. The funny thing was when we were getting out of the car I glanced in the back seat and saw the photo album Jason had made for me for Mother's Day. I thought to myself, "I'm supposed to bring that in." I didn't. After we learned the agenda of the evening, Jason leaned over and said, "That photo album is like the video we made for Noah's service. Should I run out and get it?" He did. Jason shared how the book was like the video we made for Noah's service. I shared about the dove release and how we gave out music CD's with Noah's picture on them. Other parents brought their memorial service programs, pictures that were on display during their service, a Cinderella princess crown, a teddy bear 'in lieu of flowers', books, a plaster hand print and footprint.

Looking back on it 10 months later, 'preparing' for a memorial service for your child is nothing you expect to do when you say, 'Honey, let's have a baby!' It's surreal and nauseously business like but necessary. I know that in time, I will finally make a program for Noah's service that was held almost a year ago. Just because I didn't do it then doesn't mean it's too late...

Well, the REASON the photo book was in the back seat of the car was because it was my 'Show and Tell' last Saturday. You see, I had lunch with an old friend, someone I've known for over a year now, that I just met face to face. We still haven't determined the degrees of separation but this wonderful girl named Kelly Vasami (http://www.kellyvasami.com/), who was from PA or DE at the time, who now resides in NY, had contacted me the week of January 12th. She was so moved by Noah's life that she wanted fly out and be our final photographer to help us capture our last moments with Noah. At first I thought, "Wow! That's kind of far to come for a shoot!" But I could hear how much she had fallen for Noah in her voice so I didn't want to take that from her. She got to the airport that morning and they had just closed the gate. She told me that she cried and beat herself up about it for some time. I'm convinced all things work together for the good of those who love God...As I sat eating some of my favorite Mexican food across from this new 'old friend', I was grateful for the few hour lay over she had 10 months later, using the same ticket from January, because we were actually able to talk and hang out. That would not have happened in January, and I likely would not have remembered it...I know that is a selfish thought because she would have been blessed in meeting Noah, I have no doubt. For some reason, it all worked out as it did. I told her about our experience with the photographer who did do the shoot and as I think about that, God had her there for a reason, too. I remember her saying she usually 'holds it together for these things', so as she bawled, she apologized to us. She didn't 'know' what came over her. Anyway, as a result of the whole experience in January, Kelly signed up with 'Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep' out East. NEW YORK, you have a wonderful GIFT, a priceless resource if any of you are ever in need of such services!

Anyway, I showed her the photo book, left it in the car, and it came through for us, the Junior High slackers who didn't do their homework assignments!

Tomorrow I'll share about two beautiful gifts we received from other parents...

It's a done deal!

Em's empty room
Em decorating hers and Noah's trees at 'the loft'

Daddy and Em with her first piece of furniture in the storage unit

Our last pose at Em and Noah's very first house

We snuggled with Noah a lot in this room

And in this room.

Our new house won't be done until December 28th. Meanwhile, we moved into a loft downtown last night for a few weeks. It's like taking a vacation in our own town. We can see the mountains and all the city lights. Em is loving it. We met the new owners at the closing yesterday. They are a couple about our age with 3 kids, one dog, a cat and a bird. They are very excited about being in our neighborhood. We pray that they will be blessed in that home just as we were.

It was a bittersweet exit. I literally mopped myself out the back door and left the garage at 10:35pm, but not until many tears were shed, many prayers said, and an "Okay, Lord, You know I'll miss the memories of my boy there, so, please fill in my blanks..."

We're excited for the change. We're also glad that even though we could not move right into our new home that we have the opportunity to hang out in our town and do the things we've always talked of doing.

Have a great weekend!

Displaced

Not that I need to clarify since Noah is gone and it's a little late...the docs never declared Noah as being in a coma. I asked them on several occasions and they said he was definitely NOT in a coma. If people who see Noah's photos on this blog were wondering why I always took pictures of him while he was sleeping, I didn't. The last time his eyes were consciously open was probably October 24th, 2006. His eyes would open once in a while slightly after that, but he had no cycles of wake or sleep time.

I remember each morning at the hospital I would wake up and quickly run over to Noah's crib to see if his eyes were open. I was praying so hard that one day he would just wake up from this sickening prison. I learned so much through my midnight research sessions and continue to make discoveries that I have no doubt are related to Noah's health decline. After more blood work for the three of us, I'll have no qualms about publishing this information in Noah's book.

I have no idea why I'm writing any of this today. I guess in my grief process anger ebbs and flows. My life is an open wound of late because we move out of our home, the only one Noah ever graced with his sweet little presence, the day after tomorrow. I am excited to live in a new home and to finally be able to display pictures of Em and Noah (when you put your house on the market you have to 'depersonalize' it for resale).

His other home, the hospital, is no longer there either. That part is hard for me...I really longed to go to the hospital on Thanksgiving. I thought that if I went over to the new hospital maybe I could satisfy the longing. God had other plans. Em woke up puking. As weird as it sounds, I had a lot of peace knowing I wasn't going to get the opportunity to go wander the halls of the hospital aimlessly looking for the only thing I really was seeking. Em threw up 4 times and was over it, bouncing off the walls the rest of the day, but it gave me the chance to snuggle with the kid I do have and nurture her little soul.

In grief counseling the emphasis remained, "How would we remember our child for the holidays?" My plan to go to the hospital had fallen through, our evening meal was going to be shared with some family and many new faces at someone else's home, so I was not sure how Noah might fit into that setting. As we were sharing around the table things for which we were thankful I thanked the hostess for graciously opening her heart and home to our family two years in a row. This woman, my sister's mother-in-love, is wonderful. Her smile lights up a room, her sincerity can be felt from miles away, and her genuine love for life and people is profound. One of her friends came up to me after dinner and said she did not want to upset me but was wondering if I would tell her everything about our little boy. I was grateful for the opportunity to share my heart, the Source of my strength and hope, and the story of a little boy that changed my perspective forever. He did work his way into our Thanksgiving...