The other favor...

Remember how a while back I said I had a couple of favors to ask? Well, here's the other one...

The common thread here is that a little sweet guy named Noah has come into our lives. As our son, Em's brother, as your friend's little boy that died, as a grandson or nephew or cousin, a little boy, one of your patients, the son of a woman you've never met, but loved and prayed for anyway. And, my prayer in ever continuing this blog was to not only write about Noah and his impact on my life, but to encourage others to live more deeply, open to receiving the free gift of love and forgiveness that the Lord generously gives. Some are still here from the beginning, many have moved on, some just joining the journey...no matter how you came upon this blog, my favor of you, if you feel led to do so, is I am asking you for an email. I don't just want any email, believe me, I am not that desperate, and I'm not seeking them to stroke my ego or because ANY of this is about me...it's not! It has always been about the Lord and will remain so.

So, as part of Noah's book, I have felt strongly about including a section of stories from your lives, those impacted by a sweet little boy, hopefully drawn closer to the very God of the Universe who loves you and knows your name. Your stories are all different...some of you have already emailed me and many of those I have saved for this very purpose...to be an important part of Noah's book. And, if I've saved your email and you happen to write again, I'll try to choose one, but part of the beauty in this whole tragedy has been your stories...kind of the 'pay it forward' part of someones life...the part that lives forever...the eternal part.

The amount of emails I receive will determine how many I can realistically include in the book. And, if you do write an email, please either try to keep it brief or know that I will be editing them in order to include as many as possible. The catch is I will need these by midnight on March 31st. Any email or blog post received after that will roll over into a second book I am working on that will be in devotional format.

I understand that many of you appreciate your ability and right to remain "ANONYMOUS" and I respect that. If that is the case with you, please feel free to simply post your reply on this post, skipping the email. Or, if you want to email me but remain "ANONYMOUS" in the book, simply state that at the bottom of your email or indicate that I do not have the right to use your name in the book.

FYI, I will use your first name and last initial in the book under the letter you submit, unless permission is given, and WOULD LOVE TO INCLUDE YOUR CITY, STATE, OR COUNTRY, if you so desire. Part of the beauty, again, of this story is that Noah's blog hit every continent, including Antarctica, the day before he died, and I love geography, so that part is just a bonus:). I love to see how God allows us to know that we aren't just 1 in 6 billion but are part of a big family!

Here's my email: adexoxox@gmail.com Thank you in advance!

Just keepin' it real...

Here's a blurb from one of my favorite movies, if not my favorite, that I'd like to share. I think I've shared it previously, but I recently watched the movie again and was reminded of why I like it so much...it's a scene between Dustin Hoffman and Will Ferrell after Hoffman's character, a literary professor, has just read a masterpiece written by Emma Thompson, a depressive, fatalistic writer, prior to going to print. The book is about the life of Ferrell's character, with everything Thompson writes coming true...

From: "Stranger Than Fiction"...

DH: I'm sorry, you have to die.

WF: You're asking me to knowingly face my death?

DH: Yes.

WF: Really?

DH: Yes.

WF: I can't die right now...it's just really bad timing.

DH: No one wants to die, but unfortunately we do.

DH: You will die. You will absolutely die. Even if you avoid this death, another will find you.

DH: I'm sorry but it's the nature of all tragedies...the hero dies, but the story lives on forever...


I checked out "Stranger Than Fiction" from the library a couple weeks back(check your local library...we can get all new releases and all the old goodies for free!). Jason had gotten it from the library shortly after Noah died, but hadn't seen it since. For me, the timing in my life and the content of the story were interwoven, not to mention Thompson's character that I loved because I literally am 'commentating' life as I see it on a regular basis. It's actually frustrating sometimes because thoughts or commentaries will pop into my head that I know I should write down but either I don't have paper, I'm just drifting off to sleep, or I actually convince myself I'll remember it later when I do have access to paper or a computer, and, it mysteriously disappears from my brain cells, trapped in there tangled with all the other lost thoughts! ANYWAY, that night when I went to bed, after I had taken the time to pause the movie and scribe the above scene, I was lying there letting my brain chill out. It takes a while for me, unlike Jason who sweetly lays his head on his pillow like a little snuggly baby and starts dreamily drifting into 'Neverland'. Well, the lights had been off for a good ten minutes, Jason was out, and I yanked the chain on my light. I had a thought and had to write it. Of course, none of my journals or notepads were near my bed and I was too cold to get out to find one, but found an old envelope in my bedside table and wrote the following thoughts...

Some people have asked me if I've always been so bold...I've lost a child. Does that give me the liberty to say or do whatever the hell I want? Strangely enough, it does. It's given me license to live freely and fully, the way I was intended to live...free from other's opinions of me...focused on the eternal.

Now in sharing this, know that I don't think I can just plow over others' feelings and differing opinions. I'm not saying that. I try not to make that a general practice! But what I am saying is that death, Christ's death for all who believe, has given us all the freedom to live the way God intended us to live. Noah's death has helped me walk in that. When Jesus said that in order to live we must die, He really, truly, sincerely meant it.

I know and dearly love a woman that fears death with all of her being. She has lived in fear of so many things, not only death, and it has physically manifested in her body. It's not just old age because there are still 90+ year olds out water skiing and playing shuffle board. She is gripped by it, and the years of fearing it and her hope to live beyond 100 (not for abundant living purposes...) have literally incapacitated her. I don't know about you, but if I near 100 and am shut off from the whole world, existing, not living, I hope you won't confuse my longevity with a beautiful, long life.
Yes, people will talk about how this woman lived to over 100, but the details of the how she lived won't be the part that lives on forever.

So, since we all die, what will it take for those still out there that fear it to accept it? Will we willingly lay down at Christ's feet with our own lives, dying to ourselves, in order to begin living...I mean really, truly, sincerely, passionately, boldly, purposefully living?!

...just some random thoughts I get when I'm trying to sleep at night...

Direct line

Tonight is The Well. We'll be studying and talking about prayer, but mostly, we'll be spending time actually doing it. I've sat through many meetings in my life where we spent a majority of the time sharing our 'prayer requests' but then 'ran out of time' to actually pray together...not all of them, but enough. Sometimes, I wonder if the person 'wanting prayer' is more so wanting attention than really wanting to go before God, kick some devil-butt, and wrestle to the finish. I know I've been guilty of that. Or, what about being the one doing the praying for the other person..."Oh, I'll pray for you this week" or "Yeah, let's write them down and pray for these things on our own time". That's fine if we do what we said we would do, but I'll be the first to admit that I have often found other things to fill my time with than to sit before the King of the Universe. Why is that? I mean seriously! Why have I looked to Him as a last resort at times when I know that every time I've come to Him first, He works all things together for His good and the good of those who love Him? I guess I'm slow...NO, I KNOW I AM!


God's been showing me lately that life is circumstantial, that is, there are circumstances or situations happening around us every day...and guess what?! Satan will use our circumstances to distract us, no matter how good they are, from the very place we are called to be...at His feet, trusting and hoping in Him.


The Bible says that God already knows our hearts and requests before we ask Him, so my challenge to ALL OF US is to stop going on and on to everyone and their dog about what it is we think we want, need, and desire, how badly we are hurting, how frustrated we are with situations, other people, ourselves, and start telling Him about it...it's harder than it sounds...I'm not advocating not praying for one another...that's the point here! I am advocating that we do encourage each other in prayer first, not as a follow-up to long drawn out conversations...If we get crusty toward a friend who says, "Well, let's pray about that", because we just want to ramble on and on, I question one, our hearts and motives, and two, whether we truly trust that going to God in prayer is the optimal choice. We all know people in our lives that say something to the effect, "Let's stop talking about it and just do it!" I need that reminder every day...I just need to 'do' prayer. Do you?


"For the world runs after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:32-34 (emphasis mine)

Life is a comedy...

I'm just trying to save some money here, people:

Em, screaming at the top of her lungs from the bathroom as if a creature had come up from the sewer and was attacking her: Mom! MOMMMMMMMM! COME HERE, FAST! Hurry, have you seen this?!

Me, in the other room, thinking my child is drowning in the toilet from the tone of her voice: What is it Em? I'm coming...

Em: MOM! LOOK WHAT TONJA BOUGHT! HORRIBLE TOILET PAPER! IT'S LIKE...PAPER!

Me: I bought that sweetie, not Tonja (Em's auntie). I'm trying to save money and be a good steward of our finances, so I bought cheaper toilet paper. I saved almost $10!

Em: Well, it's scratchy! You can see through it! Please don't buy it again...

Later, at the grocery store...

Jason: Apples are 10 lbs for $10.

Me: I only buy organic apples. Regular apples are laden with pesticides.

Jason: I'd rather you buy the nice toilet paper than organic apples...

Me: Let me get this clear...you'd rather rub soft tp on your buns that put good things in your body?

Me: NO. (Because my mouth takes precedence over my arse any day...)

Apparently my family is trying to send me a message? Apparently they aren't getting mine...when you get rid of your second car and save almost $10 on toilet paper, it seems pretty clear...we are in an economic crisis (God bless America)...and yes, that means no more "Cottonelle" Aloe Plus! It's scratchy, but there are worse things in this world...don't get me started! :)

Down-sizing...Ode to 'Pilot'

My sweetest guy snoozing away in his car seat on the 4th of July in SD...if I had only known...

Oh how I thought it would be a quick stay...

I still had hope here...

I get so pissed, angry, and motivated when I look at these pictures...the first two for obvious reasons, the third sentiment, because NO ONE, NOT ANY PERSON should have to experience what we did...all because doctors just don't look for #$%^&* Lyme's disease! START #$%^&* LOOKING! PEOPLE HAVE LYME'S DISEASE! MY KID WAS #$%^&* BORN WITH LYME'S DISEASE!

Maybe the second or third day...still oblivious that the doctors were oblivious...little did I know that little did they know...

I tried to put these in a progression of chronological order but I can't figure out how to upload them that way...Here, Noah isn't attached to anything except his mommy and daddy...notice that on my wrist I'm no longer wearing his hospital band...to me, that symbolized his freedom...

The progression of untreated Lyme's is dumbfounding. In just a few short months, my sweetest guy who captured my heart, could no longer even open his eyes, and hadn't been able to move for several months...not to mention the obvious need of oxygen and food intake. LYME's SUCKS!

My friend told me she was going through the old blog pics and found this one...her new favorite. I have about 3000 favorites...bittersweet favorites.

OT and PT for Noah. Though the hospital told us that they were scaling back on his treatments since he was 'just going to die anyway'.

My sweetest girl being chased by a pack of wild, cute puppies on our only family road trip to SD

One of our few family photos taken outside the hospital life, when life was sweet, at Hacienda Colorado, the Mexican restaurant Noah frequented in my belly, went to once (here) and where we had friends and family gather after his service

Noah and Em in their car seats, ready for Noah's very first car ride ever from the hospital 1.5 miles down the road to his first home

I realize this post is raw. And do you want to know how it all started?! Yesterday we dropped off our Honda Pilot at the dealership and walked away from it for good. It may sound dramatic...not trying to. We are trying to steward our finances better and just because we do have two cars doesn't mean we need two cars, so we made the decision to keep the one we actually own. Profound, isn't it?! Anyway, it's an inanimate object, obviously, but leaving it behind yesterday conjured up more memories than I would have expected...memories that will never be left behind.

Right before Em was born we bought a used Accord. It's the car she came home from the hospital in. We also had a red Blazer. Then, a while before Noah was born, a guy hit us and wrecked that car. We got the Pilot. The Pilot is what Noah came home from the hospital in.

Believe me, it was my idea to get rid of the car since Jason works from home and Em's school isn't far. I get that for us, two cars is nice, but in reality it's a luxury. I'm not going to lie that I loved the heated seats, but I can warm up my buns by exercising. I can ride my bike to get her or something or borrow Jason's sister's car. It's just a car. I just didn't realize how many memories it had carried over the years...road trips, and then, of course the ruts we wore as we made the same trip daily with it to and from the hospital...and then the day Jason and I drove Noah's sweet little lifeless body across town to the mortuary. It's where Em and Noah got to sit side by side in their car seats for 7 weeks together. It's another chapter, but I just didn't expect the sorrow to come. Financially it feels good to be free from it. Emotionally I am grateful that God has blessed me with a mind, heart, and arms that will never forget.

Jason: You doing okay?

Me: I miss my kid...

Pause...

Me: The dead one.

Jason: I gathered that...

It's just a daily journey, this thing called life, this thing called grief, days filled with joy, others with sorrows. It's part of the bigger picture, but only just that...a part, not the whole. One day, we will know in full. I look forward to that day!