I watched a profound movie last night...skip over some of the unnecessary stuff, and "Stranger than Fiction." is a great movie. My favorite scene in the movie is a conversation between Will Farrell and Dustin Hoffman regarding death and tragedy. The line that stands out the most is when Hoffman's character says, "It's the true nature of a tragedy...the hero dies but the story lives on forever." I played that line over five times. I don't want to go overboard here because Noah didn't die for anyone else, like Christ did for all, but I can't help but think about his little life in relation to this movie and that line and how he changed my life forever. You see, I have said it before and will say it again, if I were given the opportunity to have Noah back today, I wouldn't take him. Of course that does not mean that I don't miss him, but I have never had more peace about eternity and the physical presence of God since knowing Noah, so to want him back would only be selfish on my part. He wants me THERE more than I want him HERE. (Chew on that...)

I have also thought about different scenarios regarding Noah's healing. Now, granted, these are limited because I'm a human without a clue of the Universe picture that God sees, but, say if Noah had been miraculously healed this side of Heaven, it would have been fantastic. Everyone would have talked about it for a while. Then, in all reality, it would have been forgotten. When meeting new people and sharing his miracle, they would see a healed kid and think, "Yeah, that's great! I didn't know what he was like before this, but that sure is great!" Life would have gone on and I'm not so sure God would have gotten all the glory that is due His name. I know I would have eventually taken Noah's miraculous healing for granted. I would have been grateful for it daily, but there would have been times that my perspective and purpose would have been too tied to life here. We get emails and letters everyday from people sharing what Noah's 7-month life has meant in their own. Many of these notes of encouragement and life change have occurred since January 12th, 2007.

I guess what I am trying to say is, here on earth, Noah was my hero. Jesus Christ saved me from an eternal death in a God-forsaken place. I have hope and have begun living abundant, eternal life because of what He did on the cross for me and everyone else. Noah didn't do those things for me. What he did do, though, was make the Word of God alive to me again. He revealed to me, for the very first time, the true meaning of what it is to store up for myself treasure in Heaven. Jesus' words of His return now have a voice in my head. I'm taking it seriously. I don't know what it all means and I know I don't do it perfectly everyday, but never before has Jesus been more real, and I've known about Him my whole life and known Him intimately almost 20 years. And, never before have I been more excited to meet Someone in my whole life! Yes, I'll get to see Noah again, but Noah got me excited about seeing my Creator! He was my little hero. Thanks, son!

This picture was taken July 24, 2006, at 7pm. It was the last picture taken of Noah prior to entering the hospital on August 2nd.

Yesterday and today have been hard for me. Jason's out of town on business so I am single parenting. Em's got a cold, but somehow still has enough energy to run circles around me. We've had a good week together, but I'll be happy when Jason gets home. Today we went and got our toes painted. This isn't the usual for us, but I'm running out of things to do in order to procrastinate working on my real 'to do' list. So, we went to the place where I had my feet done the day before January 12th. The ladies all remembered me. I brought in a little brag book that one of Noah's PICU nurses sent us recently. It's 2.5"x2.5" and has some pictures from the blog in it, including the 'feet' picture. I showed the lady the 'feet' picture and thanked her, again, for helping that memory happen for us. She proceeded to speak Vietnamese to everyone working in the store and they all lovingly said, "So sorry".

After our toe trip, we headed home to do some more organizing in the basement. I like to sew and tackle random projects, usually stuff I make up as I go, so over the years I have accumulated 6 bins of "Oh, I could make something out of this!" or "Sure, I'll use these scraps of material one day." Anyway, needless to say, my husband will be pleasantly surprised when he sees just how much purging I did in the basement. The reality is, I know I'm not going to do those projects. Even the ones I thought would be so great at the time...I just don't feel like it anymore and it isn't as important as it was then. I feel very free just admitting that I'm not going to start or complete projects that have been hovering over my head for so long.

While I was sorting through one bin, I did come across the remnants of the materials I used for Noah's room. At the same time, my friend called and I just lost it. Em said, "Mom, don't cry! Your face is all black!" I said, "Em, I don't like waterproof mascara, so this is a look you'll need to get used to..." I told my friend it felt like a waste that I had made Noah's bedding. I remember cramming, sewing it all within the last week before he was born. Even though he only slept in his cute room for 7 1/2 weeks, I'm glad that I got it all done before we brought him home. I know it wasn't a waste because his room was perfect just for him and any time I see chocolate polka dots with cool blue and lime, I will forever think of Noah .

Anyway, today I've been asking God to pinch me because this life cannot truly be my reality...I never even had the time to picture Em and Noah as grown ups burying me and Jason as old wrinkly people...why did I assume that my life here on earth would go on relatively unscathed? On July 24th, the thought never crossed my mind that one day Noah would not be in our lives. It didn't cross my mind on August 2nd...he's still in our lives, but he's not in our arms and that is the daily ache that ebbs and flows. Today the tide was a little high...

This is Jason's version of a piercing or tattoo for Noah. He had this bracelet made that says, "NOTHING MISSING * NOTHING BROKEN" on the outside and, "NOAH STEVEN GRAVES * CROWNED IN PEACE" on the inside. It suits Jason perfectly. He got his ears pierced his freshman year of college but those grew in years ago and neither of us really see him as a tattoo guy, though he said he'd get one if I wanted him to. I said nah. Anyway, the bracelet matches his wedding ring that has black Swiss crosses around it. I have a silver necklace that I got probably 10 years ago. I'm going to have it engraved with Noah's name on it, so will post it as show and tell some day.

Anyway, regarding the meaning of Noah's name...Noah means 'peace'. Peace in Hebrew is 'shalom'. The literal meaning of shalom in Hebrew is 'nothing missing, nothing broken'. Steven means 'crowned'. This isn't the kind of crown that every little girl or boy imagines while they role play princess or king. The kind of crown this refers to is one you win at the end of a race. A victor's crown. Imagine a crown of olive leaves twisted together and placed upon the head of a person in Jesus' day. It is a reward of perseverance and endurance, finishing strong. Any royal family member may receive a crown from their reigning parent, whether they earned it and whether they are worthy to wear it. A victor's crown, however, is rightly given and at the proper time. There is no way around it. My favorite verse goes right along with this entry, "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me-the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." Acts 20:24

What's your life verse? Are we 'expecting' a royal crown like some sort of prince or princess or are we persevering for Christ to receive a victor's crown of endurance? Maybe some of you didn't know this life was a race. Let me tell you, regardless of what American life portrays...it isn't the one with the most toys at the end who wins...

This is the picture on my desktop right now. I love the sincerity of innocence and love that Em's face reveals just in the mere priviledge of holding her new baby brother. Anyway, I just wanted to share with you what pops up on my screen every time I start my computer.

Tonight we had some dear new friends over to our house. It was really refreshing to read the Word with others, share our hearts of what we desire in our walks with God, and to pray together. As stressful as the hospital was at times, it was very quiet late at night for Bible study and prayer. Also, with so many visitors everyday, we had times of prayer with other people on a regular basis...so, coming home to the three of us and "to do" lists and busyness, sitting at God's feet tonight with others who desired the same was a bit more like going back to the hospital, but in a good way.
I can't tell you how much it encouraged my heart! You see, today I spent the day organizing. A girl from church who has an organizing business (I highly recommend her!) came over to help me get rolling on the many tasks we have on our plates in order to sell our house. (Yes, Jason and I actually felt like we were going to move over a year ago and then Noah was born, so we are waiting on God to see if this is the season or not...) Anyway, my goal is to get our house to a point where we can show it and not have clutter and overflow. I'm getting rid of things, packing things, and rearranging other things so the house looks as cute as can be. So, back to studying God's Word, well, my mind was a little overwhelmed, not by the process, but by how much more I still have to do and how much "stuff" we've accumulated since we moved in here 5 years ago. It was actually very helpful to have another person's perspective and eye regarding organizing, but it was a big reminder of my ever increasing "to do" list. I was annoyed that I was annoyed with all the "stuff and things" I was even investing in organizing! Thankfully Jen understood because she's recently been to Africa and gained tremendous perspective in this area (which is why she started her business...cool, huh?) Later, I started to get really crusty and Jason informed Emily that the tension coming from me was so thick he could cut it...He then proceded to define different emotions and what thick meant and I couldn't help but think it might be a few more years before Em comprehended what the heck her dad was talking about...Anyway, I realized I had allowed the enemy of my heart a foothold today to distract my heart from looking forward to fellowshipping with like believers. Realization is half the battle, so then I prayed and felt a lot more peace. As soon as friends started coming to the door and we started sharing our hearts, I knew that satan had intended to steal my joy, as he does yours and yours and yours everyday, so I just told him to BACK OFF!

So, I want to encourage you...if you are having a crusty day, just know God did not intend for it, but the thief who hates your guts! He likes it when we're crusty and gets a kick out of it when we're impatient with our kids/spouses/friends/strangers because our agendas aren't being met. Tell him to BACK OFF and then, READ THE BIBLE OUT LOUD! Now, that may sound strange, but in college when I'd try to read my Bible, I'd always get distracted. I finally realized that satan hated it when I read the Bible, so, I got pretty bold and said, "Okay, devil, if you want to hang out here so badly, I'm reading my Bible. Here is what it says about me and here is what it says about YOU! Any questions?!" I call it, "Story Time for satan." Let me tell you, he stops bugging you immediately because he HATES God's Word with a passion, but not only that, he HATES it most when you not only read it but you BELIEVE it! Read on...

I'm not sure if you can make out the scripture written on the note card above, but it is Judges 6:23-24. It says, "But the Lord said to him, 'Peace! Do not be afraid. You are not going to die.' So Gideon built an altar to the Lord there and called it 'The Lord is Peace'. I bought yards and yards of rainbow ribbon and hung scriptures around Noah's room that we had written on note cards. I wrote many that said 'peace' in them, one because Noah means peace, and two because I needed to keep reminding myself of God's peace...God's word is what enabled us to persevere through each day.

Now, I know that the Bible can seem daunting, a bit intimidating in size, downright discouraging, and unconquerable, but let me share some of my thoughts on it...First of all, truth be known, we are all very lucky that the Bible is as short as it is. I say that because it says that if everything Christ did while He was on earth was written down, the books on the earth could not contain it. Wrap your brain around that! If you've ever read a series of fiction, you've probably read more pages in those 3 or 4 or more books than fill the Bible from cover to cover. When I first started reading the Bible almost 20 years ago (my anniversary of following Christ is 1987 on Mother's day) I didn't really know where to start. But, I was at a point where if I was going to believe in God then I wanted to know Who the heck it was that I was believing in and why. My parents bought us Study Bibles and a set of 36 markers. They said, "Don't take it from us or a priest or a pastor. Read it for yourself. It's your textbook. Use these markers to mark it up, underline interesting things that stand out. Whatever you want. The Bible is your textbook." I couldn't believe I was allowed to actually write, with pretty markers, in a Bible! I felt so free:) I have that same Bible with a fancy packing tape binding and now, Noah's foot and handprints in it.

I'm not sharing this to boast about how much I know about God's word. I'll be the first to tell you that no matter how many times I read it, or how often, God knocks my socks off even on the same passage. Also, there have been many days, months, seasons that have passed in my life where I didn't hunger for God's word and didn't care if I read it or not. I am currently not in that season, thank God, and I hope to never go there again, but as weird as it may sound, March Madness reminds me of the Bible. Let me explain...you see, if you have ever played an organized sport, or participated in orchestra or band, there are play books that each member must study and know for when game day comes or for a performance. Don't think for a minute that athletes are just physically prepared for competition. They study the play book so that when something happens in a game, they know just what to do. There are defensive and offensive plays. When your season of competition hits, your breathe, eat, think and sleep that sport.

Well, the Bible is our play book. It is God's gift to mankind as a manual for how to live in a world for which we were not intended. We weren't created for earth the way we live it. God meant for us to hang out with Him in the Garden, playing with lions and enjoying His company. The Bible is God's gift of light in this dark place to expose the devil's schemes and his constant attempts to turn our hearts and eyes off the Lord. It contains rules for living, not for the sake of just having rules, but to ease the road and the reality of the consequences of our choices. It contains raw heart cries from people wondering what on earth is transpiring in their lives. It has promises of hope and healing, eternal life and salvation. It has everything we could ever need for minute by minute plays.

So, I guess with this post, I want to encourage you, and myself, not to be intimidated by the Bible, but to pick it up and read sentences, chapters, paragraphs, books, whatever. Don't try to go from Genesis to Revelation in one sitting. It's meant to be meditated on, so if you only have 3 minutes, then read a paragraph and then pray about how God wants to integrate His truth into your life. If you don't know where to start, read John. It's in the New Testament, the 4th of the gospels. It's a world rocking account of Jesus' life on earth. As we get God's word into us, deep into our hearts and minds (put on the helmet of salvation - Eph 6) the Holy Spirit will bring it to your rememberance when the enemy tries to tempt you or discourage you, or destroy you. It's our textbook for living. The course if Life 101.