One day at a time, that's how...

People ask me how I continue to do it? How do I go on without Noah? The title above sums up my life because it's literally how I have to do this.

I got an email from a woman who recently lost her mom unexpectedly. To protect her situation and identity, I won't share the details of her email, but I will share some of what I wrote to her in response to the question of how to heal because in writing it, God showed me that I don't have to be whole in order to encourage others...

I am so sorry that your mother died. I am sorry you guys don’t get to talk everyday. I am sorry that your heart and so many others around you even have to experience sadness and loss.

Please forgive me because I don’t want to come across as trying to tell you and your family how to grieve. The reality is there is no ‘right’ way to grieve and there isn’t only one way. The truth is no one but God understands your heart. Your brother and sister had different relationships with your mom than you did. Your dad had a different relationship with his wife, your parents with their daughter, your kids with their grandmother, not to mention your mom’s siblings and her friends, colleagues, etc. I am grateful that early on Jason and I realized that even though we shared the blessing of being Noah’s parents, we were both going to experience loss differently. In light of this, it has allowed us to see that each day will be different and that some days he’ll be down and I’ll be hopeful, and other days it will be reversed, and we have to allow each other to ‘do’ one day at a time.

After reading your email I was so sad because you seem to be bearing the weight of everyone’s grief, and that is not your job. I also wonder if everyone expects this of you or if you feel responsible for everyone’s hearts? The thing with sadness and grief is that the emotions are real and quite raw, but when they are stuffed or stifled from being able to be felt in a healthy way, bitterness and depression take root, and those feelings are more difficult to live with than the grief.

(This stood out to me because I see that many people often feel responsible to help others through their grief when they are in need of walking their own journey through it. As a result, their healing is pushed to the back burner and often times never is addressed. Another thing that came to my mind is that when we try to keep people 'happy' or cheered up, rather than allowing true feelings and emotions to run their course, it stifles healing. When we feel compelled to cheer others instead of sitting quietly with them while they have a good cry, what we are saying is that their feelings make us uncomfortable.)

Anyway, the other day my sister looked at me and asked me how I do it everyday. We had just walked into Noah’s nursery which is still set up for resale purposes. She asked if it killed me to not have his room changed. I told her that I don’t go in there often, but sometimes I will, just to look at his cute blanket, or sit in the rocker to pray, or to look in his closet at the cute clothes. I have his pictures in my Bible, along with his footprints and hand prints stamped on one of the last pages. The way I do it everyday is only with God’s strength. Honestly, if I hadn’t drawn close to God in Noah’s sickness and in his death, I would have wanted to stop living myself. I suppose that is still my choice as it is yours and everyone around you, but that is what the devil wants us to do…if we will fear death, get angry at God, and stop living life with purpose, the devil wins. I know you said that you believe in God, so let me tell you this, LITERALLY, God cares that you lost your mom, that your heart misses her every minute of everyday. He gets it. The thing about God that I didn’t know earlier in my walk with Him is that He’s not a big thing in the sky that has no vested interest in the lives of His creation. He feels our sadness because the Bible says that Jesus was tempted with everything that mankind was ever tempted with. The Lord also feels our pain because He didn’t want us to have to experience death. (Jesus didn't stuff his real emotions when Lazarus died. He bawled.)

Loss is important to remember. Your mom will ALWAYS be your mom! Noah will always be my son, whether he is in Heaven or in my physical arms, that relationship won’t ever change, the location did, though. There will always be things that remind you of your mom. When those times come to me, like today at church I heard a new baby cry, I couldn’t stop my own tears. I have heard babies cry countless times since Noah died. I allowed myself to miss him and then I thanked God for Noah. When those times come, allow yourself to remember and your kids to remember. Art works for Emily as well as looking at pictures and talking to God about Noah…For me, writing my blog, Noah’s book, and sharing his story with others has helped me with my healing and given me eternal perspective. What will help you, only you will know.

From what I gather from your email and your relationship with your mom, she died loved. To be loved is a powerful thing and to give love is difficult but so fulfilling.

(There was a bit more I shared. As I walk this path, I pray others will be encouraged to face grief and walk through it, knowing that it's not a road that has to be walked alone but that with the Lord, it is possible to put one foot in front of another, one day at a time.)

Two things...

One, I have been listening to Jeremy Riddle's album, Full Attention, non-stop for a week. On my solo retreat I had a mix CD that my friend Mandy made for our Bible study group. There were a few of his songs on it, but at the time I didn't know they were by him. Music has always been a powerful thing in my life because often the songwriter says exactly what my heart yearns to cry out to God. Jeremy Riddle hits the nail on the head with 'More than a Friend'. If you have it or are looking for music that will rock your world and draw you closer to your knees, at the feet of God, hit repeat, close your eyes and listen. The whole album is amazing, but it's this song that keeps allowing me glimpses of Noah and Jesus hanging out right now, and the depth of trust I walk in daily knowing we made the right choice with Noah's life and death...

Two, Jason and I are starting grief counseling on Monday night. It's a group setting of other parents that have lost children while at TCH Denver over the last 18 months. It sucks to have this in common with other parents and families. No, I'm not doing back flips, but I think it will be, oh what's the word, it will be necessary? good? therapeutic? nauseating? healing? helpful? crappy? Oh, so many more words come to mind, but it's the next step, I suppose. I'll share as I know that many who have lost loved ones debate this choice on a daily basis. The reason that I continue this blog and continue to face my grief everyday is because if I don't move forward in pursuit of God and healing, I'll be further away from holding Noah. If I allow my heart to become cold and bitter, by the time I see him, it won't be sweet anticipation, it will be anticlimactic...

Have a blessed weekend!

Soil test

In Isaiah chapter 61, at the end of verse 3 it says,


"They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of His splendor."


I've been meditating on this verse a lot in recent days. The context is discussing the year of the Lord's favor, but if we think about the principle and how it relates to many of the parables Jesus shared, it is totally awesome, yet bears much responsibility...

Much of Matthew 13 talks of planting, sowing, and reaping or harvesting. Imagine if the seeds Jesus was talking about were tree seeds and the farm a tree farm. The seed (before genetic modification - don't get me started) has one job and knows what to do. It knows its purpose is to become a tree, whatever species, but a tree in the farmer's field for the purpose of growing and giving off oxygen, a place for birds to rest, something beautiful to look at, and to produce more seeds. A tree seed doesn't think it's supposed to be a shrub or tomato plant. It does not know any different message than to become a tree.

When I think about the Scripture in Isaiah, "...a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor" I can't help but think that we have been strategically placed here on earth by God, regardless of how we got here, no matter the circumstances, not by man's will but God's strategy to display His splendor through our lives. You see, God does not screw up. We are the ones that make mistakes, but never too big that He can't display Himself through us. He wants us to be a reflection of Himself...the question is, "Do we want Him to be seen in us or do we think doing life our own way (genetic modification) is better in the grander scene?"

A tree grows in many directions. We witness above the surface growth that first takes place in the quiet of the soil. Without sturdy roots seeking out water for life, a tree is easily topsy turvy. I know, because I lived in Arizona while growing up and palm trees are shallow rooted trees that fall down easily. As followers of Christ, often times we look around and expect instantaneous trees from those around us, as well as ourselves. When we judge our brothers and sisters, taking an ax to their trunks, we expect to see several rings of years of growth represented. Our job isn't to cut other trees down. Our job is to water. It's obvious when other trees aren't fruitful, yet it's not our job. What if we are growing alongside our neighbor and our tree is full of foliage, blocking the sun from shining on our neighbor? Are we willing to receive the pruning we so desperately need because of overgrowth? Some trees are just big and would serve the display of His splendor better with some pruning. Meanwhile, are our roots seeking the Source of Life, establishing a firm foundation? The growth above the surface will come only if the growth below the surface starts first, and continues...roots don't stop seeking water for life because if they do, the tree dies.

When we begin wishing our tree had the same amount of branches, same leaf formations and veins, identical amounts of rings as the tree next door, without even knowing it, it may become covetous. We want that tree transplanted in our yard to make us look better, when it was planted down the street for a purpose by the Arborist for His reasons.

Individually the responsibility is to seek God above all else. One on one, we are to fan into flame the gifts that God has deposited into others, not wish we had them instead. It calls for us blessing and not cursing. The responsibility of God's truth in His word calls us to sharpen one another and allow ourselves to be sharpened. It calls us to humble ourselves and pray.

Corporately the responsibility is to do the same. There will always be a church down the street, across town, on the other side of the country, that is bigger, smaller, does praise and worship or focuses more on outreach or Sunday school or cell groups differently than your own house of worship. There will always be Christians that disagree on whether we should use weed eater or be organic, whether the youth department is more important or outreach to the nursing home. Instead of focusing on the fact that we are undeniably different in the way we use the gifts God has deposited in us, we as the Bride of Christ need to start praying for that church down the street. Think of the church in town that drives you the craziest and pray for that one. Yes, and especially the one that is abusing the name of God. Go to your pastor, priest, to the lay people and tell them you are starting to pray for such and such a church and watch their reaction. If they are opposed to praying for another church or group, I'd be a little nervous.

Only with God can we do a proper soil test in our lives to know if we are living in an optimum growth environment. Some of us need pruning, others need some growth poles with wire around our trunks for supports, others need acidity or alkaline tests, others are trying to thrive amongst weeds and we need to pray for their fight, some are the weeds...The way we fertilize our soil is by watering it with God's word. The way we fertilize others' soil is by doing the same. Personal opinions don't fertilize.

Howdy!

GRR Blog Day 3: Today after being in town for a couple of hours, sharing Noah’s story with a couple random strangers and buying Emily a pink cowgirl belt, I headed back to the cabin for a short hike and some fresh air before Gary came with the guns. Now, please understand, Gary’s a real cowboy and I’m really not, though it would be fun. It’s just that I’ve been a city dweller most of my life, so slinging guns isn’t my daily activity. I don’t have a rifle or shotgun hanging in the back window of my Honda Pilot, or the Accord, for that matter. But, I like shooting, not people or creatures obviously, but shooting at things. The last time I shot a gun it was a shotgun, in the air on a hunting trip. That was probably 9 years ago. Prior to that I did some target shooting with Jason out in the wilderness somewhere with a handgun, but today, Gary had the real McCoy. Good old pistols, six rounds, nothing plastic, just metal and beautifully polished wood. He handed me a holster and showed me the ins and outs of drawing from my hip. I have to admit that the music that just ran through your mind picturing me drawing a pistol from my hip also ran through mine. You know which one I mean. No, there weren’t vultures flying overhead, though I do wish I had my cowgirl boots on. Anyway, I felt like Annie Oakley, but I’m sure my draw was slower than hers. Gary measured it with a special little device. My best draw was .52 seconds. Today at the ranch, of the other folks who had drawn, about 8 or 9 in all, I beat all but one. He also taught me how to fan the gun. It’s when you draw with one hand and shoot, then with your other hand, cock the gun and shoot until the barrel is empty. I was slow, but he can fan it empty faster than an automatic. That’s purdy darn fast! We moved onto the rifle with the scope. I unloaded a bunch of rounds on a small rock in the river below the cabin. Whether you are a fan of guns or not is not the point. I didn’t harm any living creatures. It was more of a Sidney Bristow meets Annie Oakley moment, except take out the bad guys and just picture them having target practice. Either way, it was fun and a bit therapeutic. It inspired me to continue writing, so that was good…

It's not ugly here, folks...

Yes, that is snow on those mountains.
View from the deck of the cabin I'm staying in.
The cabin
The beginning of fall colors
Just some mountains God created...
The beautiful horse pasture on the ranch

I was blessed to be able to come up here a day earlier than planned. Here's the rundown of events:

Day One: I am staying in a quaint fishing cabin up near Kremmling, CO. The views are magnificent, the air is fresh, and it is so quiet I can hear my heart beat. It’s the perfect place to hear His heart beat. I got to town and picked up some veggies and hummus to have for the week. I arrived at the ranch a little before 5:00 pm and took some photos while I waited for my contact to show the way to the cabin I am staying in. I unpacked my suitcase since I’ll be here a few days and wandered down near the river. (Note to self: pick up bug spray tomorrow.) I enjoyed the early evening sitting on the back deck staring at God’s creation, reading His word aloud and crying out to Him. I am looking forward to how He wants to lead me this week. I’m here on His agenda. It’s right. I built a fire in the pot belly fire place and cuddled up on the couch with my computer. The first task at hand is editing the blog, which Jason downloaded into Word. This will take a while since it’s a 300 some page document. After spending some time on this, I ate an Amy’s frozen microwave entree and then hopped in the claw foot tub for a bath. I’m off to bed to read for a bit. I’ll let the sun wake me up in the morning…Lord, what will tomorrow bring? I’m all Yours. Let’s go for it!

Day Two: I got up, made some tea and headed out to the back deck to read God's word and check out His creation. After the sun burned off the clouds and my arms were getting a little too pink, I headed in to get down to business. I edited Noah's blog from August 2nd until January 31st. I took one break to go outside and throw horseshoes, but I consistently threw them in the wrong place, so knew it was just a distraction. After 6 hours of reading and crying and praying, I needed a break so I headed to town for some local fare. It felt good to clear my senses but I went quickly back to the cabin to do some creative writing since I hadn't gotten to do that all day. It was a good time to recap the last days of Noah's life on 'paper'. Not only am I writing his story, I am finding healing from God in the midst of the open wounds.

Day Three: Today I woke a little later than yesterday. I also went to bed later last night. Anyway, I sat out on the deck and did my "Breaking Free" study while soaking in a little vitamin D. I pulled out the binoculars and watched a rather large beaver splash about in the pond down the hill for about 15 minutes. Gary, a quiet humble man who works on the ranch came to check in on me and bring me more fire starters. He was all dapper in his silver coin tie and scarf with his leather vest and cowboy hat. I asked what the special occasion was and he said he was doing a 'draw' this afternoon for some guests of the ranch. He and I are going to do a 'draw' later with non-projectile ammunition, then, a little different from kick boxing or a sledge hammer class, I'm going to have projectile ammunition therapy later this evening. I'll use a 22 (larger shotguns and rifles kick my shoulder back too much) to obliterate some clay pigeons and targets. I have hit clay pigeons in my past, but hopefully I won't be rusty and it'll feel good to get out some more grief anger. I'm at a coffee shop in town to check email and so I could call Jason and Em. I'll be heading back up to the cabin to do a lot more writing for the remainder of the afternoon and evening. Thanks for the prayers. God sure is wonderful, which, quite frankly, is the understatement of all time...