All Up in Your Crazy

"I will combat my stress and heated difficult parenting moments with trips to the toilet.

I read a really darling short story about a woman who locked herself in her master bathroom happily for the weekend.  It was her own special stay-cation, complete with Orangina and crackers.

I may have to try that.  Don’t tell my kids."

 -  Jessica Patay, author of "She Runs a Good Race"

Here's my comment:
Some thoughts: I rhymed "Orangina" with vagina when I read that...and you caught me, my kids are perfect and I do, indeed, every moment of everyday, respond in godly wisdom and oozing goodness to them, like it oozes from me, from every pore...it's like I'm angelic or something.  This post has just inspired a post in my head...so I'm heading over to my blog to get my writing on, but in the meantime, you are better than me because instead of sitting on the pot to talk to God and find "poof" peace lately, I've been escaping to try to beat level "30" on Candy Crush.  And when I do sit in there a while I poop rainbows.  #isuckwayworsethanyou #youareonefantasticmama #iloveyougirl #youareawesome

My girlfriend Jess is an inspired writer, raw and authentic, and just posted some great wisdom for moms, a result of what she has been learning in "time-out"...not her kids' time-outs, but her own...where she puts herself to cool off and think it over.  The following post was inspired by her piece and actually started as my comment in her comment section, but I didn't want to hi-jack the post with a mega-comment, so, instead, here it is.

May I invite you into my brain, friend?  It looks a helluva lot like the 144 magazines on the library wall I'm sitting across from at this moment, all on different topics, each with a 100+ pages, plus advertising...and in that chaos, I get overwhelmed in my own head, want to throw everything away and live in an RV and just come visit you and drink a little wine overlooking the great Pacific.  Then Emily, excited, sweet, with the greatest of intentions, comes over to my shit-laden desk where I sit staring, wondering how I didn't get one friggin' thing accomplished all day, yet managed to stay busy anyway, and says, "Mom, can we look at organizational websites and draw up a plan of action and spend the whole weekend totally purging and organizing my room?"  And I should be excited about this because my kid wants to down-size and get organized but I'm folding 9 loads of laundry, laced with camouflage and safety orange and glow in the dark pajamas and odd numbered socks and I have 17 books home from the library that contain no pictures because they are for me to gain inspiration on how to live life free of the crazy because I actually don't care about stuff or things so organizing her room or any room in the house would look more like donating everything to the thrift and, of course, only having "7" of anything...and it's nearing the dinner hour and my personal Paleo chef decides we're having GF frozen pizzas and full-on grain nachos with dollops of dairy and leftover buffalo carnage.

And she doesn't mean anything by it because how could she know all the crazy that goes on in my head and heart on any given day?  And truth be told, her desire to purge, organize, and clean her room is evidence of her listening and letting it soak in all the times I've said, "Sweetie, more stuff doesn't fill the deepest part in our heart we're trying to fill...it's just more stuff and eventually it will overwhelm us. Less truly is more."

But the truth is I am a little kid, totally ego-centric, because I want to purge, organize, and clean up my crazy before I clean up her crazy.  I wanna be first!

And since I was just in the bathroom, I can't run there, she's got me cornered at my desk in the kitchen, so I sit on the toilet in my head go there in my head and talk to God, I'm not even 1/2 listening to her but instead breathing deeply, in my own time-out, and I repent for being selfish and ask God for grace in this moment, to let go of the agenda, my to-do list, my crazy, because I can't play level "30" to escape, and thanks to you, friend, I can't even eat chocolate or drink a little to escape because we are doing this flippin' accountability thingy, and it's good because I know and you know and we all know God truly is the Only One who can fill that deepest part in our heart where everything else around fades in importance and priority and somehow falls into place.

And so I pull her onto my lap, hug her huge with #intention, and tell her, "Peanut, I would totally love to help you with your room!  Let's get a plan and do it!"

Because spending the weekend with my pre-teen daughter, because she wants me to, is a blessing...I guess it's all about perspective.

For Obvious Reasons

This morning, I was reading some of The Picture Bible to Emily and Ryan as they ate breakfast.  Before Em woke up, I had been sharing with Ryan the meaning of Easter and the significance of this week in history, as well as modern day, so decided we'd read the days leading up to "Palm Sunday" and "The Passover Feast" and, of course, the Crucifixion and Resurrection.

We usually read to Ryan out of The Beginner's Bible or The Jesus Storybook Bible, then fill in details from Scripture we've read from our own Bibles.  (*Anyway, wow, I just got back from a ten minute detour while looking for the above links and there are some seriously intense people "out there" that have some jacked up opinionated opinions...no freaking wonder some people are turned off by people who call themselves "Christians"...this is maddening and WILL be another post...)

Meanwhile, I'm just grateful Jesus spoke in parables and stories in order to communicate Eternal things which our limited perspectives can barely grasp...

...basically, I'm grateful for FAITH.

Back to the story...so the self-righteous religious leaders were all up in Jesus' face, cranky and worked up because THE CHILDREN were praising God, saying, "Hosanna!  Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord!"  

So Jesus said, "Yes, and have you not read in the Psalms that out of the mouths of children God brings perfect praise?"  

(*Quotes from The Picture Bible)  

(*see Matthew 21 for the whole story...)

So, I said, "Em, why do you think God called the praises of kids 'perfect'?  Why do you think He encourages grown-ups to be more like children, to have faith like them?"

Em said, "Because we aren't all stressed out...and, because we are cuter."

And so there you have it.  I don't really think I need to go into it much more than that.

• Have we become so stressed out carrying burdens and worries we weren't meant to carry that The One on the road before us, the road laden with palms and garments that leads to Eternal peace, is blurry and The One leading us,  just not worth the stress?
• Are we no longer cute, like a kid, because we've allowed the things of this world to steal our joy and our praises?

Every loving parent thinks their kids are the cutest.

How much more does God love us?

This Easter, let's all try to be a little cuter...

Where Lies Your Beauty?

Today, Em and Ry and I were walking through Walmart.  As we stopped to honk the bike horns on the aisle display, parked between youth men's clothing and the craft aisles, my eyes locked on the new Sport Illustrated swimsuit calendar, displayed right next to the Justin Bieber and Harry Potter posters.  Thankfully, come December 21st, all the "athletes" who purchased the calendar already, you know, for "sports" inspiration, oh wait, I mean for the articles, won't even get a chance to look at it each month.

photo "courtesy" of Sports Illustrated 2012 Swimsuit Issue #$%^&*

Tongue.  In.  Cheek.  If only the Mayans were right!  I'm looking forward to my destination...

This display, with two extra large calendars side by side, was at Ryan's eye level.  He was too busy honking the bike horns to notice.  Thank.  You.  Jesus.

However, Em's eyes went there and I caught it in the corner of my eye, taking mental note of her response.

We headed to the check out and then to the car.

Me:  Em, I know you saw that poster of the woman in a bathing suit.  What did you think about it?

Em:  I thought it was kind of weird.

Me:  Why did you think it was weird?

Em:  Why would you take a picture of a girl in a really small bathing suit like that?

Me:  There's a magazine called, "Sports Illustrated," that is supposed to be a magazine about sports.  You know, like football, basketball, baseball, soccer, tennis, swimming, lacrosse.  You know, sports.  But every year they have one publication dedicated entirely to women in their bathing suits.  What do you think about that?

Em:  What does that have to do with sports?

Me:  Uh-huh.  Who do you think might look at that particular magazine?

Em:  Someone who is kind of weird.

Me:  Actually, it could be anyone.  But do you think it's necessary or beneficial to the person looking at it?

Em:  No.  It could make them think all girls should look like that.

Me:  Some religions have gone to the extreme to make women cover themselves, as not to draw attention to their outward beauty.  There is nothing wrong with being beautiful.  God made us that way.  But there's a problem in our culture, in particular, Em.  Some women don't know they are beautiful.  They believe that what shows on the outside is what matters, and by wearing very little they will get the attention or approval of men.  Our culture has gone to the extreme by encouraging women to wear very little, focusing on our outward appearance.  What do you think about that?

Em:  I want people to know me and love me for who I am on the inside.

Me:  Yeah, me too.  There's nothing wrong with wearing a bathing suit, Em.  Please don't hear that.  What I'm trying to say, that's difficult to understand, is some people look at models and then compare themselves to them, wishing they were like them, assuming they are perfect.  Mommy felt badly about herself for years because I believed in my head those girls were prettier than me.  And, then other people might compare the people in their lives to the women in the calendar, wishing their wife or girlfriend was more like her.  Some guys then get feelings for the women in the magazine and want to be married to them, wishing they could have sex with them, instead of their own wife.  What do you think about that?

Em:  That's really sad.

Me:  Em, God made you.  He made all of us with unique gifts and strengths, and we are all beautiful.  It's the world that has tainted that beauty.  I mean, it's so messed up, Em.  Take, for example, chips.  Some companies have hired a beautiful woman with big boobs and very little clothing to eat chips in their commercial.  I'm not sure what that has to do with chips, but it sells because guys watching the commercial are drawn to the sexuality of the woman.  What do you think about that?

Em:  I think she ate too many chips and her boobs got fat.

Me:  (*note to self:  save breast implant conversation for another day...dear God!)

Me:  Em, the point is:  our beauty comes from inside.  Some people have tried to make women into objects of beauty, just by focusing on our outward appearance.  We are a bigger deal than just gorgeousness!  We are brilliant, smart, kind, and we can change the world!  Literally!  We are not simply objects and our beauty isn't just on the outside.  If it is, we're in big trouble because we get wrinkly and crunchy with time :)  There's nothing wrong with being beautiful, Em.  Period.  But do you think a guy looking at a magazine full of women who are barely covered makes him want to be a better man to God, his wife, and his kids?  Or to his future wife?

Em:  I think the calendar is stupid.

Boot Camp

Emily goes to a fabulous school based on Outward Bound Expeditionary Learning style.  She just got back from 5th grade camp where they packed in and set up their own tents, dug their own latrine, and drank filtered water from a mountain stream.

In addition to base camp set-up, they did high ropes, made their own meals, built relationships, and had a blast, too.  The only thing they didn't do was shower...the grime on my shower floor when she was finished was, well, grimy.

She has flourished at her school and applied her love of learning she regained from homeschool back into the classroom.  I wish it went through 12th Grade!  Before Em started school I asked her what some of her spiritual, personal, and academic goals were for the upcoming year.

One thing she said was, "I would like to be done with Reading Plus.  My goal is to never have to do it again!"

I said, "What if that means you have to do it this year but by the end of 5th Grade you would be done with it?"

She said, "That's fine!  Whatever it takes!  I love reading I just don't love being outside of the classroom in that program anymore..."

On the first day of school her Reading Plus teacher from 4th Grade told her she had graduated from the program and did not need to return.  She was ecstatic!  And we were, and are, so very proud of her and the time she has put into developing her reading skills!

Way to go, Em!

All this to say, her school is doing a Boot Camp and each student is encouraged to seek pledges or one time donations to support funding for continued education outside the classroom walls, as well as science and technology.  They are also collecting non-perishable food items to stock a local food pantry at Douglas County Task Force.

The kid who raises $1000 in donations gets a Kindle.  You should have seen Em's eyes light up when she knew a Kindle was the prize!  "You mean it's GREEN and for reading?!"

We understand times are tight, but Em asked me to please post on here to raise awareness and support in case anyone was interested in sponsoring her.  Thanks, in advance, for reading and for supporting your local schools, wherever you may live!

Here is the link to Emily's Boot Camp Page.

Conversations with a 5 year old

July 11th
If Emily looks older in the above picture than she did yesterday, it's because she's 5...but it's also because she learned about Noah today...

I did not intend for it to happen this way, but on the way home from dinner it was just the two of us in the car. (Jason had to leave this afternoon for Chicago.) Anyway, we passed a cemetery and here's what followed:

Em: Mom, what did they do with Grampa Steve's body? (She knows her grampa was buried...)

Me: Well, when our spirits leave our body, we die. There is nothing left to tell our heart to pump so our bodies stop working.

Em: Yeah, like when a car runs out of gas and the person has to leave the car and go look for gas. (Said very matter-of-fact)

Me: (In my head: Uh, yeah, you're so stinking smart!)

Me: That's right, Em! The car just has to sit there on the side of the road. Anyway, when we know the Lord and our spirit goes to Heaven, our bodies are left here on Earth. Some people bury the person that they loved in a coffin. It's a long wooden box with fancy pillows in it and they dress the person nicely and put some preservatives in their body because our bodies decompose when our hearts don't pump our blood. Then they close the box and dig a hole in the ground and cover it up with dirt, grass, flowers and a pretty head stone that says their name and how much they were loved...

Em: (Listening intently...)

Me: And then, well, um...you know how God picked up a handful of dirt and blew life into it and made Adam?

Em: Yeah.

Me: Well, sometimes when people die and their spirits go to Heaven if they loved the Lord, their bodies are put into a big metal box and someone turns a switch that makes it extremely hot and they turn into dust or ash, like Adam. It's called cremation. There's a scripture that talks about how we came from dust and to dust we will return. But even when a person is buried they eventually turn to dust, too.

Em: Do you bury the dust?

Me: Well, some people do, but the ashes or dust are put into a bag and then given to the family of the person who died and they decide what to do with them. They can put those ashes in a pretty jar or bury them or spread them on the beach or a garden or in the ocean. Mommy has a dear friend whose husband wanted his ashes to be put into the ocean because that was his favorite place to be. Then, when the waves move throughout the Earth, it's like his body gets to be a part of it. They are all ways to remember that person.

Em: What did you do with Noah?

Me: (gulp) Well, your daddy and I decided to have Noah's body cremated.

Em: Even his guts and stomach? You can't keep those parts in a box...

Me: Even those parts...all of his body, but it all turns to dust. You see, when a person dies, even though we love them soo soo much, we can't keep part of their body with us, except a lock of hair which I have of Noah's. So that is why people bury the body of the person they loved or have them cremated. Then they can either go visit where they are buried or have it at their house in a pretty jar or spread their ashes in the ocean, for example, to remember that person...

Em: Where are Noah's ashes?

Me: Do you remember the day we left for South Dakota when daddy needed to run an errand by himself?

Em: Yes.

Me: Well, your daddy was picking up Noah's ashes. I know it took a long time, but we were too sad to do it until then. They are in a bag in a sweet wooden box that has his name on it and a teddy bear...

Em: Wow! I can't believe his ashes fit in a small little box! I want to see it...

Me: It's at home in Noah's room. I'll show you when we get home, sweetie.

Em: I want to keep Noah's dust with us. I don't want to throw him in the ocean or sprinkle him in different places.

Me: Okay. (Now going with the flow, different from original plan...) We'll keep his ashes altogether with us...

Me: Em, what do you think about all this?

Em: It's okay. I think we should just leave it like you did it...

Me: (Yeah...pretty much have to since these things are irreversible!)

So, I talked to Jason tonight and told him about our conversation. He felt badly that I had to do it alone, but I told him it seemed to turn out okay, better than the day we got home from the hospital and he started to tell her about a big oven! Em had asked Jason what they did with his body at the hospital. She said, "Did they throw his body in the trash can?" We told her 'No', but then Jason started to tell her about a big oven. I gave him a serious elbow in the ribs and whispered in his ear that you put cookies in an oven, not a little brother! She lost interest and went and played with her aunts and uncles...

Now she knows...she seemed to be at peace with it all. I guess I didn't know when we'd have to explain cremation, but knowing her, I knew it would be sooner than later.