It's Important for you to Know

It's important for you to know I don't always hate myself.

It's important because it is the truth.

And "hate" is a big word, one which isn't truly accurate for how I feel day in and day out.  But for those of you who struggle with the person in the mirror on occasion, you know when the word "hate" is stirring and feel the brunt of it when it rears its ugly head.

Most days I don't even think about myself.  I love being a wife and mom and friend and neighbor.  All roles I enjoy and have even chosen.

But this morning a thought came to mind.  After processing it a bit with my husband, a friend, and just an hour ago with my counselor, I'll try my best to convey here.

Earlier this week I read this article.  Before you criticize the author, read it and then process it through the following filter:

My intention in attending a 4-year college was not to find a husband.  I mean, really, if you think about it...$20,000/year for private schooling = a really nice dowry after 4 years.  Instead, I got married with a heap load of debt.  I went to school with a desire to learn and grow and explore more of God's creativity, knowledge, and will for my life.  Originally I wanted to be a writer, but after being placed in remedial English my freshman year (WHO KNEW you could study for the SAT???!!!) and being challenged by my parents to choose a "real major," I decided to move forward in pre-med, because I at least knew I wanted to heal people.  (*Pretty sure my parents envisioned a beatnik writer in a smoky coffee shop with a beret handing out free copies of my work or a writer in a cabin in the woods, never publishing but living off her parents.  I think they forgot about journalists and columnists and you know, authors and writers.)

Photo by Ann Larie Valentine

If you've read here a while, you know I didn't make it through pre-med, seeing as how passing chemistry is necessary and all.  With a passion for international travel and culture and a love for God's love story for the world, I majored in Theology with a Missions emphasis and a minor in Spanish.  Upon graduation, my husband and I set off with hundreds of teenagers in tow to Venezuela to share God's love, and that was just the beginning.  (*This doesn't really have anything to do with what I'm talking about here...but you try tracing a thought in your head on paper.  It's tough stuff.)

Anyway, way back when my mom told me about reproduction, namely sex and baby delivery, I was cool never being a mom.  And FOR SURE not going through the delivery part.  Ewwww and OWWW!  Kids were fine and all if they belonged to someone else, but for me, it was six in one, half dozen in the other.  Then I met my husband and realized he would be one amazing dad.  And then I met our first child and fell in love.

I hung up the world of Student Development in the college setting, having only been surrounded by college aged women from the time I entered college plus 7 more years as a professional.  And I entered into daily one on one's with an infant girl.  One for whom I was souly (*I meant: soul) responsible, but really had nothing to give in return other than bodily excretions and some lovely sounds and snuggles.  All good, but not the reason I went to college.

Soooo, follow along here for a sec...a few years ago my mom and I were talking about indulgence and contentment specifically how I'll eat to escape.  We talked about how on vacation we are relaxed, enjoying feelings attached to new memories, rewarding experiences, and new pleasures, often times coupled with dining and trying exotic foods or yummy drinks or relaxing on warm beaches.  These are all good and great and obviously a luxury, but all reasons we long for and look forward to vacations, even short getaways. 

This morning it occurred to me, a person who loves authenticity and enjoys the art of writing, whether on paper or in my head, that even though I love being a wife and mom, those roles do not define me.  My friend even said her husband posed the question to her several years ago, "If I died or our children died, you wouldn't be my wife or their mother anymore...so who would YOU be, not what would you DO?"  He went on to say those are roles she may love, but they aren't necessarily her authentic true self, they are part of her but not her.

Are you even tracking with me?  I'm sorry if not...I'm trying here.

So, I can't speak for you, but I'll speak for myself.  I adore my children and am a really good mom.  I'm also a smoking hot, attentive wife who prays favor and blessings over my husband every day.  And during this season of life, which is now going on 11 years as a parent, 20 as a wife, I've put aside much of my own desires, passions, pursuits, and ways in which I am wired, to focus on the here and now, namely my family and their well-being.

I put all my coals in one fire.

Like the British mum who expressed her heart, this is not something I should have done.  Loving myself by keeping one iron in the fire would have kept God's deposits, His gifts, still kindling.  INSTEAD, like many SAHM's and Outside the Home Working Mums, I focused on just one thing and that one thing became THE thing.  And as a result, I have FILLED those places which were rich and fulfilling with temporary satisfaction, namely food.

And maybe you've filled it with an addiction to sassy coffee or keeping a perfectly clean house or volunteering extra hours at things which are good and worthwhile and important or shopping or redecorating and redecorating and redecorating your house or that third glass of wine?  Or maybe you've filled it with accomplishments at work and others opinions of you or checking things off a list or keeping up the image you portray to those around you, no matter how weary you really are?

These feelings we experience on vacation when we are able to escape from the day to day become feelings we want to experience in the day to day when the rubber hits the road and we feel overwhelmed...and especially as Americans, we think we deserve it.

Okay, never mind, I'll speak for myself...I think I deserve it.

I think because I did 7 loads of laundry, cleaned the house, got Em off to school and played trains and dinosaurs with Ryan for three hours and put a healthy dinner on the table, I deserve this or that reward...and truth be told, I crave the reward and instant gratification food or wine or, for sure, chocolate, delivers.

All the while, the reason these temporary indulgences have come up short is because as I dove head first into being a mom, specifically, I didn't leave an iron in the fire.  A writing iron, that is.  The very iron God designed in me as an outlet for creativity and in more recent years, for authenticity, ministry, and healing.

Which leads me to my Facebook post after counseling today:

"Here I go to counseling to talk about disordered eating and unhealthy expectations and body image, and we wind up talking about writing...because apparently when I write authentically, candidly, and with vulnerability, I'm being true to who God made me to be."  #stuffcounselorstellyouthatyouknowdeepdown #killingmonsters #findingfreedomtowritemyheartout

After counseling I had lunch with Jason, then headed to a beatnik coffee shop to write.

The girls next to me asked me what I do.

I told them I'm a writer.

INTENTION

Was it Venezuela?  Maybe Siberia?  It could have been St. Petersburg, Russia.

I don't remember now.

All I know is a million years ago when I was in my young 20's I met a teenager named Alece Ronzino...we met over a mutual love for the mission field.  I think she was a carnivalite because for some reason I can picture a painted triangle on her cheek, but mostly I remember her amazing smile, how her eyes lit up as she laughed, and her undeniable positive attitude in spite of our meager missionary circumstances.

Alece is a grown up now and has lived more life than I know she has wanted.  All of it, however, has molded and shaped her into the godly, authentic woman she is today.

We haven't kept in touch over the years, but we were reconnected thanks to small worlds and the Internet a couple years ago via our mutual friend, Sarah Markley...another godly, authentic woman.

Alece is the real deal.  Her blog, Grit and Glory, speaks for itself in the title.  I encourage you to head there and be challenged and inspired to draw closer to God's grace and unconditional love as a result of reading some of her story.

Anyway, why am I writing about Alece?  Well, she has founded a movement called "One Word 365" of basically putting into words what has been on my heart for quite some time now.  I encourage you to head there to check it out.

This post isn't actually about Alece, though I'm thankful to her for the creative way to share.  It's actually about:

I'm actually being intentional to physically write with ink and paper this year, as opposed to just typing...

INTENTION.  

And, if you noticed, I changed my blog to reflect the word some time ago...

Last year in early fall I began a Bible study with one friend that I know and love dearly and a room full of other women, some whose faces I knew and others I learned that day.  We had gathered to study the book of Daniel together and though I had read that particular chapter of the Bible a couple of times over the years, I wasn't sure what was in store for my heart.

All I knew was I was grateful for a setting where I didn't know everyone, I wasn't in charge, we had a focus and purpose, and I knew God would meet me face to face because time was being set apart specifically to study His word.

2012 was a year of intention for me, particularly in the area of loving myself.  I appreciate how it sounds, though I'm not talking about lipstick kisses on my mirror and splurges at the shoe store.  I'm talking about 40 years of not loving myself, never appreciating that God made me for a reason, hours, days, years spent wasted on hating myself, all the while giving the Devil more and more power over my thoughts, fears, and dreams.  The theme of loving myself manifested in many ways, especially in the pursuit of more time one on one with God's word.  On practical levels it showed up in outing myself as a closet eater, signing up for a massage of the month club, having more dates with my husband, telling the lies in my head to go to hell, sitting for hours reading Seuss to my 2 year old and other hours reading classics with my 10 year old.  I loved myself by flying to Austin, Texas, to meet old and new girlfriends intentional in the pursuit of sisterhood.  I re-launched my non-profit, Bevy Girls, and have loved the small group of women gathering with similar passion.  I sat with my 90+ grandpa and asked him important questions and held his hand as I listened.  I've had some good heart to hearts.  I bought a treadmill and some dumbbells.  I read more.  I listened.  I said yes.  I said no.

And there were many days where I totally screwed up and was intentional and hell-bent on hurting myself, not seeing myself as a person worthy of my own love, let alone feeling God's.

I think the theme for 2013 will be similar, however the wording is a little different and the focus.

I still am learning how to love myself.  However, I really don't like focusing on me.  It leaves a nasty aftertaste.

No, I want to live with INTENTION, sure in loving myself and taking care of myself, but first and foremost, intention with my dear and beautiful, gracious and loving God.  He's never been anything other than steady in my life.  He's loved and pursued me with intention, yet there have been seasons where I have not reciprocated.

Practical application of INTENTION:  In the Daniel study I am doing, the book starts out with Daniel being intentional in his health, study, leadership, and stewardship of gifts, and not for himself only and the benefits he would reap, but for God and His bigger picture.

It says that three times a day Daniel knelt down to give thanks to God.

It doesn't say he gave God a short order, every prayer request in the book, or a list as long as Santa's.

It says he knelt down three times a day and thanked God.

My translation:  Daniel was INTENTIONAL in his pursuit of God...and everything else followed thereafter.

So far as I've sat INTENTIONALLY with God, I haven't found my life to be perfect, however, I have found when I am INTENTIONAL about putting Him first, everything else is doable, even those things which appear insurmountable.

*Instead of a New Year's Resolution, what is one word you can focus on this year that will encourage and challenge you to be who you were designed to be?

Feel free to share it here or head over to this page and link up to the One Word 365 community.

Where Lies Your Beauty?

Today, Em and Ry and I were walking through Walmart.  As we stopped to honk the bike horns on the aisle display, parked between youth men's clothing and the craft aisles, my eyes locked on the new Sport Illustrated swimsuit calendar, displayed right next to the Justin Bieber and Harry Potter posters.  Thankfully, come December 21st, all the "athletes" who purchased the calendar already, you know, for "sports" inspiration, oh wait, I mean for the articles, won't even get a chance to look at it each month.

photo "courtesy" of Sports Illustrated 2012 Swimsuit Issue #$%^&*

Tongue.  In.  Cheek.  If only the Mayans were right!  I'm looking forward to my destination...

This display, with two extra large calendars side by side, was at Ryan's eye level.  He was too busy honking the bike horns to notice.  Thank.  You.  Jesus.

However, Em's eyes went there and I caught it in the corner of my eye, taking mental note of her response.

We headed to the check out and then to the car.

Me:  Em, I know you saw that poster of the woman in a bathing suit.  What did you think about it?

Em:  I thought it was kind of weird.

Me:  Why did you think it was weird?

Em:  Why would you take a picture of a girl in a really small bathing suit like that?

Me:  There's a magazine called, "Sports Illustrated," that is supposed to be a magazine about sports.  You know, like football, basketball, baseball, soccer, tennis, swimming, lacrosse.  You know, sports.  But every year they have one publication dedicated entirely to women in their bathing suits.  What do you think about that?

Em:  What does that have to do with sports?

Me:  Uh-huh.  Who do you think might look at that particular magazine?

Em:  Someone who is kind of weird.

Me:  Actually, it could be anyone.  But do you think it's necessary or beneficial to the person looking at it?

Em:  No.  It could make them think all girls should look like that.

Me:  Some religions have gone to the extreme to make women cover themselves, as not to draw attention to their outward beauty.  There is nothing wrong with being beautiful.  God made us that way.  But there's a problem in our culture, in particular, Em.  Some women don't know they are beautiful.  They believe that what shows on the outside is what matters, and by wearing very little they will get the attention or approval of men.  Our culture has gone to the extreme by encouraging women to wear very little, focusing on our outward appearance.  What do you think about that?

Em:  I want people to know me and love me for who I am on the inside.

Me:  Yeah, me too.  There's nothing wrong with wearing a bathing suit, Em.  Please don't hear that.  What I'm trying to say, that's difficult to understand, is some people look at models and then compare themselves to them, wishing they were like them, assuming they are perfect.  Mommy felt badly about herself for years because I believed in my head those girls were prettier than me.  And, then other people might compare the people in their lives to the women in the calendar, wishing their wife or girlfriend was more like her.  Some guys then get feelings for the women in the magazine and want to be married to them, wishing they could have sex with them, instead of their own wife.  What do you think about that?

Em:  That's really sad.

Me:  Em, God made you.  He made all of us with unique gifts and strengths, and we are all beautiful.  It's the world that has tainted that beauty.  I mean, it's so messed up, Em.  Take, for example, chips.  Some companies have hired a beautiful woman with big boobs and very little clothing to eat chips in their commercial.  I'm not sure what that has to do with chips, but it sells because guys watching the commercial are drawn to the sexuality of the woman.  What do you think about that?

Em:  I think she ate too many chips and her boobs got fat.

Me:  (*note to self:  save breast implant conversation for another day...dear God!)

Me:  Em, the point is:  our beauty comes from inside.  Some people have tried to make women into objects of beauty, just by focusing on our outward appearance.  We are a bigger deal than just gorgeousness!  We are brilliant, smart, kind, and we can change the world!  Literally!  We are not simply objects and our beauty isn't just on the outside.  If it is, we're in big trouble because we get wrinkly and crunchy with time :)  There's nothing wrong with being beautiful, Em.  Period.  But do you think a guy looking at a magazine full of women who are barely covered makes him want to be a better man to God, his wife, and his kids?  Or to his future wife?

Em:  I think the calendar is stupid.

Walking, Part 2

My mom's not a huge fan of crowds but she wanted to do this walk.  She didn't want to stay for the closing ceremonies or anything like that.  She said walking together was her celebration, so that's just what we did.

Three generations, riding the Light Rail at the wee hours...HOW AWESOME DOES MY MOM LOOK?!?!

Sisters

"Bebe's Girls" (team name...)

This year we'll stay right...

Emily doing a cartwheel on Speer Boulevard over I-25

Granddaughters and their Bebe

A sea of thousands of people affected by cancer in one way or another...aka, thousands upon thousands of STORIES!

One Year Survivor at the Mile 1 Marker

A dude dressed as Pink Panther...he even had a British accent (not that PP ever talks, but whatever...)

A pom squad cheering us on...

"Give me a B!  Give me an O!  Give me another O!  Give me another B!"

Thank you to the Denver Police Department for blocking off traffic throughout the city in order for us to walk together!

Here, Em and I stopped.  I said, "Do you see all those people walking?  Look ahead of you, behind us, all around.  Do you know why they are all walking?  They are walking because their lives have been affected by breast cancer.  Every single person here has been affected by it, whether in their own body, as a friend, spouse, parent, child, sister, cousin, aunt, co-worker, grandparent...every. single. person. and they all have a story."

"I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back." The Message, Philippians 3:12-14

Front Row: Young Bevy Girls in the making...knowing the importance of time with other women and showing support!  Nice job, girls!

My mom is a strong, loving, and selfless woman.  I have a lot to learn from her.  I'm really proud of her and so grateful we were able to walk WITH her today!

Girlfriends, part 3

And then I met them...

Women from coast to coast.  Beautiful women with beautiful stories.  And, by “beautiful” I mean, real, candid, authentic, raw, not watered down, genuine, broken, not shattered, but broken wide open to reveal true heart and true grit.  My kind of real.  No sunshine blowing, yet tons of laughter and joy.  No competition amongst us, yet damn strong fighters.  Beautiful, beautiful women.  New girlfriends.  I am humbled I had the opportunity I did to be there with them all in that space and time.

On Saturday my friend Jessica introduced Kristin Armstrong to the group.  In her intro she shared a bit about her own love of girlfriend-time and a time in her life when she was really feeling drained without it.  This is the counsel a minister gave to her:  

He said, “Girlfriends are sacred.  They are part of your spiritual formation.” 

I wrote that down in ink and on my heart.  Wow!  The retreat could have ended right there for me!

Then, when Kristin shared with us, in her fabulous young 41-derful years, she spoke as a peer, unassuming and so candid, yet her wisdom was that of a true and faithful friend of 100 years.  She set the tone for authenticity.  It was a safe place for all of us to share, and that we did. 

Each one of us went around and shared our hearts.

And then she said it... 

…the hook, line, and sinker of the whole weekend for me, driving home what Jessica had stated earlier…

Kristin said, “Having girlfriends is not a luxury, it’s a necessity.  It’s mandatory.” 

(She wrote it out more thoroughly here on her blog...)

She also told us how she has recently boycotted the word, “Busy,” from her vocabulary, as well as not allowing her friends to use it around her, either.  Of course we’ll ALWAYS have stuff to do, places to go, blah, blah, blah, but the truth is, since deep heart friendships with women are sacred, we need to make the time.

This year God’s been teaching me to love myself.  As I mature, if you will, each year, I will say I am more and more self aware of my needs or desires, here on earth.  Clearly I need water, some food, shelter, a pair of jeans and comfy flip-flops.  But in order to be a better me, I also need:  time to quietly sit with God’s word each morning, hot mug in hand; date nights out with my husband; and couch-time snuggling with my 10 year old daughter as we dig into a great book.  And, I need to kiss my son on his neck and cheek, smell him and then tickle him so I can hear laughter from deep in his belly, a laughter I’m not able to conjure up on my own most days because I’ve seen too much.  I need solitude, too.  

And I need time with girlfriends.  It’s not always going to look like a weekend away without any responsibilities.  I know that.  But time with friends is something I long for and something from which I walk away refreshed.  I’ve loved it ever since I was a little girl and still cherish it as a grown-up. 

So here’s our takeaway:

• ·       Girlfriends are sacred. 
• ·       They are part of our spiritual formation. 
• ·       Girlfriends are NOT a luxury.
• ·       Time with girlfriends is a necessity. 

If the word "Busy" were deleted from your vocabulary, is there something else that is holding you back from spending time with life-giving friends?  It doesn't have to be hours on end...even just a half hour is a step in the right direction.

It's time for women to start building bridges for friendships to be nurtured and grow.  Imagine a world where healthy, beautiful friendships were everywhere we looked because they were established on trust and authenticity.

We all have stories...What is yours?

The world doesn't need more superficial relationships based on mistrust and name brand jeans.  The world needs women who are willing to go deep, women who are willing to cherish one another.

Yep.  That's what it needs...

Now, let's go carve out some time for the relationships in our lives which matter most!

Ready:  GO!

More On: Girlfriends!

NOT "Moron Girlfriends!"  Just to clarify...


There are many titles I could have gone with concerning this post:

"Modern Day Miracle!"

"Man Uncovers Ancient Secret!"

"Husband Found His Wife's Sweet Spot..."

"Mars Finally Moves to Venus to Form a Planetary Merger"

"Jesus Can Come On Back Now...All the Problems in the World are Solved."

Or, my favorite:

"My Husband is a Better Girlfriend than Me."

I know what you were thinking when you read the one about the "sweet spot", but that's not what I'm talking about here today.  Maybe another day?  Nah.  This isn't that kind of blog...

Anyway, here's a snippet of the conversation which took place in the corner of our kitchen the day before I left for my girlfriends' retreat earlier this month in Austin.  I must preface this to say, anyone who knows my husband knows he barely meets the minimum word requirements that a man may speak in one day...if I'm lucky, the guy spreads his 7,000 words a day out over the course of a week...so when he talks, I listen...

Part II:  Girls Gone Wild in Texas

Jason:  Why are you so stressed out?

Me:  When you ask me that it makes me feel like I’m not allowed to have stress…like, what could be so stressful about my life???

Jason:  No, that’s not it, I just want to know because you are visibly stressed…

Me:  First off, you know how I get when I’m packing and preparing for a trip, but also, I just feel so jumbled right now…I don’t feel like I’ve gotten into the swing of things, like I haven’t had a routine since last school year.  I do well with routine.  Everything is spinning…I feel like I am emotionally ON one-hundred percent of the time…I love, love, love being a wife and mom, I just don’t ever have other adult interaction.  A 2-year old talks at me all day.  Sometimes that gets emotionally draining...

Jason:  Maybe you should get a baby-sitter one day every week and spend some time with your friends.

Me:  That’s awesome in theory, but everyone is busy, plus we’re taking Financial Peace University!  What would Dave Ramsey say about this?  We need to budget in a babysitter…and if we do that, I’d want to use that time to go on a date with you…

Jason:  Adrienne, I cannot give you what time with your girlfriends provides.  Emily and Ryan cannot give you what they can give you.  I am willing to sacrifice one night a week with you where you spend time with friends so that you aren’t stressed…you need time for yourself.

And so there you go.  

My husband is a better girlfriend than I am.  

Let me just go ahead and have you read that again:

"Adrienne, I cannot give you what time with your girlfriends provides.  Emily and Ryan cannot give you what they can give you.  I am willing to sacrifice one night a week with you where you spend time with friends so that you aren’t stressed…you need time for yourself." - Jason Graves, brilliant genius husband, stellar dad, overall great guy...

Sitting in a Cambridge coffee shop, looking all business-like, holding secret knowledge about women tightly locked up in his brain...WHAT ELSE DO YOU KNOW, JASON?!

He’s, like, IN TUNE or something.  

Who knew?  I MEAN, I knew he was awesome, but for him to see that my heart truly needs, longs for, and thrives on time spent with my girlfriends, well, that’s like “Husband of the Year” material, you know what I’m sayin’!  Maybe even Nobel Prize stuff…

So, ladies, I'm not sure what to tell you at this point...maybe print this off and put it on the fridge, or above his bathroom sink, or in the garage on his workbench.  Print off a copy for his briefcase.  I don't suggest taping it to his new flat screen, but perhaps erecting an easel just off to the side or somewhere in his man-cave?  Maybe insert your name into the statement, record it, and then play it softly while your husband sleeps?  

Of course, praying that your husband would have his eyes opened and his heart in tune with God's design for women and friendship is likely the most life-changing route, but do what you gotta do :)  

The point is this:  My husband isn't insecure with the truth.  The truth is that I'm madly in love with him and he is my very best friend and I'd choose him any day over my girlfriends, but that doesn't mean I don't NEED or LIKE or LOVE being WITH my girlfriends on a regular basis because it's good for my heart.

*What will it take for you to understand what, quite possibly, your husband already knows about you?  And, whether you are married or not, what will it take for you to realize that solitude is good for a season, but God made girlfriends for a reason?

Get on the phone and set up a date with some of your friends...ready:  GO!

Girlfriends are MANDATORY!

I just got back from Austin, Texas, where I took part in a girls weekend.  Two friends from college, one from the East Coast, another from the West, dreamed it up and decided to invite their friends from around the country to meet in the middle.  Those friends invited friends, and so on, and so forth…

When I originally received the “Save the Date” I thought, “Man, this sounds like so much fun, but: I only know two of the women, I can’t technically afford to go, and what do I do with the kids?”  

I will say this; only knowing two of the women wasn’t enough of a roadblock.  I love women and love meeting new women and hearing their stories…it’s what makes my heart beat, it’s the whole emphasis of my non-profit, Bevy…but, I am a tight wad when it comes to money.  

Okay, so I’m not a tight wad.  I love to share and I think it’s fun to treat others to meals and such, but I don’t like to be a financial burden to my family.  As a wife and mom who stays at home, it’s important to me to financially steward our cash flow (Doing FPU right now...more on that later...).  So yeah, not to sound like a martyr or burden, but I’m not a huge fan of spending moo-lah on myself when I think of all the other ways it could be spent.  Whah, whah.

 

Anyway…I have to say, the “what do I do with the kids?” question left my mind about as quickly as it entered.  I’m not bragging in the sense of, “In YO FACE!” but my husband really does indeed ROCK.  I knew if I talked to him about this retreat and told him I really wanted to go and felt like I was supposed to be there, he would work with me to make it happen, which would include him making some sacrifices and working from home for at least part of my weekend away.  He knows how much I love to be with girlfriends.

The necessary self-portrait

Where cowboy boots are king...and girls night out mandatory!

With Kim and Jessica, the two friends with "Insane Courage!"

After our time with Kristin

Meeting another bereaved momma-friend

I can’t really explain why I felt like I was supposed to go to this girls’ weekend away, but I knew I wasn’t invited on accident and that whomever God would introduce me to over the course of the time away would fill my heart and inspire me to keep pressing on with the dreams God has put upon my heart for years now.

I can’t even begin to put into words all the things the Lord did in my heart over the course of one hot, but beautiful weekend in Austin.  I’m still processing much of it.  One thing that blessed my heart was the fact that I got to just show up.  I feel like a bit of a slacker writing that previous sentence, but I’ve been a leader among my peers and in women’s groups for as long as I can remember.  I’ve only been to one other retreat that I didn’t plan…and that was 8 years ago.  Ironically, I received the “Save the Date” from my friends, Kim and Jessica, the week after I cancelled a Midwest Bevy Retreat.  It seems I was due for a retreat, but not one I would have to plan or organize. 

I showed up with expectations.  Not expectations of people or that I’d be entertained all weekend, but anticipation of God’s hand in our time together, and for what each of us would take away.  I prayed a lot during the months leading up to September 6-9.  Prayers for my friends who were coordinating the weekend, prayers for Kristin Armstrong who shared with us on Saturday, prayers for all the women whom I had never met but whose stories I would get to hear throughout the weekend, prayers for my girlfriend living in Austin who would join me in the adventure, and prayers for my own heart to take it all in, hear God’s direction and purpose for my life, and to JUST BE!

The weekend exceeded my expectations!  It was a little tough to transition back into my "day to day extraordinary life", but not without hope or a course of action to move forward with dreams He has placed on my heart.

I'm just thankful to Kim and Jessica who took Matt Damon's advice and went for it!

I'm so grateful God knew what my heart needed even more than I did...He's BIG that way!

*What will it take for you and your girlfriends to realize time together isn't a luxury but rather mandatory for your heart?!

The night before I left for my trip, Jason and I had a heart to heart in the corner of the kitchen.  I will share more on that tomorrow…

Some Thoughts on Greatness...

Sorry I've been absent for quite some time.  I've been working on this:

And by, "I've been working on this", I mean, I'm totally and completely technically and artistically challenged when it comes to graphic design, so I don't mean that I designed the awesome circle of B's representing Bevy above.  My friend from college in his coolness and awesome style pulled this together!

I've been working on the vision, content, and getting the word out for my non-profit organization, Bevy.  Namely, the Bevy Retreat side of things.  And by "I've been working on this, I really mean, I'm collaborating with AMAZING VOLUNTEERS IN THE MIDWEST WHO ARE WORKING ON THIS..."

Anyway, here are some thoughts that have been careening through my heart and mind over the last several years, but especially the last few weeks, and specifically the last hour or so...

Happy, Happy, Happy Easter!  And when I say that, it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with a sweaty creepy guy in a furry polyester rabbit suit.

It has EVERYTHING TO DO with the Savior of the Universe who made a way for me to have an intimate relationship with my very own Creator God!

A Fun Opportunity

So, I'm getting ready to re-launch my non-profit organization, Bevy, so I have been cleaning up some of my accounts.  I had neglected Twitter for several months because, well, frankly, I'm on Facebook more and hadn't really learned the ins and outs of Twitter...still don't really know them...

Anyway, yesterday I was updating my Twitter "bio" if you will, and took out the "Radio Show Host" part since I don't host my own show anymore.  Remember this:

Anyway, then, earlier this afternoon my friend Ginger sent me a text and asked if I wanted to jump in as a guest co-host on her friend's radio show tomorrow morning.

So, Jenny Dean Schmidt has graciously asked me to co-host her www.channelmom.com show bright and early on St. Patrick's Day.  And she didn't even know I'm a little Scotch-Irish...

We had a chance to speak earlier this afternoon and it was a great time of hearing each others' stories.  I'm looking forward to meeting her in person tomorrow as we interview two moms who are also both authors.

...And their topics:  Parenting and Food.

Huh....I'm a parent and I love to eat, so this should work out seemingly :)

Jenny was so excited because she had spent a little time on this blog and my Closet Eater Blog, so thinks I'll be a good fit for talking with the moms tomorrow.

We'll be interviewing Anne Wiggins, co-author of "Parenting from the Heights" and Beth Aldrich, author of "Real Moms Love to Eat."


So, who's with me?  Who wants to wake up at the crack of dawn and cheer me on LIVE?  Huh?  Huh?

Just go here tomorrow morning at 8:00 am Mountain Time:  www.channelmom.com and go to the channelmom Radio page and follow the instructions.

And, if you are local, it'll be on 93.7 FM

Goodnight!

Blockbuster

Have you ever sat through a movie trailer that intrigued you enough to want to go see it?  If you answered, "yes," that's the point.  It's meant to draw you in so you can learn the whole story.

And then the feature film starts rolling.  The lights are dimmed, you have your goodies in hand, and everyone has silenced their phones, except that one guy.  You sit there, let's say for 20 minutes of this 2 hour feature length presentation, and the plot is building, you are sucked in, and the thought of having to leave even to go to the bathroom you stave off by tightly crossing your legs and denying yourself any more sips of your beverage...you just don't want to miss out on the story about to be revealed.  

Now imagine at the 25 minute mark the lights switch on and the theater manager walks into the packed venue and states, "That's it, people.  The director and producer had big dreams and every intention for this film to be a complete story, but the actors and crew quit showing up after only two weeks of shooting.  So, anyway, we hope you enjoyed the part you were able to see.  Have a good night and thanks for coming..."

I suspect there would be some disgruntled patrons, to say the least.

Imagine if that's what life is like when we don't want to tell our story, don't think it's important to tell, or are waiting for the unlovely, difficult parts to pass before we share.

There is a bigger picture.  We may not know or understand all the details, but it is a story which is unfolding every single day around the world.  A story being told through our lives.  The God of the whole Universe, who loves us with every part of His heart, desires to express His love for all creation through the telling of our stories.  

Because He made us...on purpose.

Can you imagine a world where we stop comparing ourselves to those around us, wishing our lives were a little more like theirs and instead began telling our stories, laced with all the imperfection, pain, and beauty, for the good of God's bigger story?

It's time we all stop cheating the world of who God designed us to be.

It's time to start living the story.


(Here's a little taste of what God's put on my heart.  You'll find out more when I launch my non-profit, soon and very soon...)

Off on just a regular, "Normal" old weekend!

NOT!

I am so excited to be heading out the door right now with Gina Johnson, Elizabeth Hunnicutt and Sarah Markley to host the "Normal" Retreat in Woodland Park, CO.

I want to post about all God has done thus far, but as I said, I'm heading out the door, so if the girls even knew I was sitting here, I'd be busted!

I know God has great things in store for the women coming this weekend and as we share our stories, I will relay them here...because in sharing our stories, we can all find EXTRAORDINARY in the "normal".

Have a blessed weekend!

Ladies Only: Your Invitation

Just because thoughts run through my mind constantly does not mean others can, A, read them, or B, respond to them.

This is a problem. I email people...in my head. I respond to phone calls...in my head. And, I've told YOU about the upcoming retreat I am hosting through my non-profit organization, several times...in my head. And did I mention, surely I must have, that I've also invited you to the retreat? Well I did. In my head, obviously!

If you head here for a couple of minutes, you'll learn what has been on my heart and mind the last few months.

Long story short, if you've read here long, you know that I was trying to get my non-profit Bevy, Inc. filed with the IRS as a 501(c)3 while Noah was in the hospital. Well, that all was finalized August 31, 2007. Here's something...August 31, 2010 is my due date. Yeah, I know!

However, I sat on it for 2 years. During the last year I have thrown it back out there to God, asking Him if or what He wanted me to do with it. A 501(c)3 status is very difficult to attain, so I wanted to make sure I was a good steward of this. There were several prayers that I put before the Lord, literally asking for some verification or confirmation from Him for very specific things in order to know just where He was leading Bevy.

God answered very specifically, and quite promptly I might add, with some things that blew me out of the water! I can go into that at another time, but the main thing I kept putting before the Lord was my desire to encourage women in a real way, without flash or pageantry, but with real heartfelt times of encouragement.

The word "Normal" kept coming to my heart. Every time it did I thought in return, "What the heck is normal?" I chewed on the word. Prayed about the word. Looked it up in the dictionary even though I have a pretty firm grasp on the working definition. And, I kept asking the question, "What on earth is normal, anyway?"

I have been to over 20 years worth of conferences and big meetings where thousands gather to learn more, and to be challenged, by speakers. It hasn't been as frequent in the last 10+ years, because honestly, my heart sought something more tangible and intimate. I am not condemning those large group settings, there is definitely a time and place for large corporate gatherings, however, as I have sat in these arenas, I have looked around at the faces of those in attendance and felt the same feeling in my heart...Everyone here feels drawn or connected to the person sharing their story up front, but realistically, these 10,000 women aren't going to have the chance to, A, share their own story, or B, ever really know the woman sharing hers.

I felt like more intimacy had to be part of the equation. Everyone has a story and everyone deserves the opportunity for it to be told.

So, after praying about it, I talked to a few people who I felt had similar vision and threw the idea out to them, if they'd be interested in being part of a retreat type gathering called "Normal". As a result, for the last several months, we've been planning and praying, and are excited to host the first Bevy sponsored "Normal" Retreat in the beautiful town of Woodland Park, CO, May 14th through the 16th.

Basically, what Bevy will do is bring a retreat to you. We have friends around the country who are excited about hosting "Normal" Retreats in their cities, but we have to start somewhere, so we are launching close to home first...but don't let that deter you! People are coming in from MN and NE, as well as CO, so if you are supposed to be here, then by all means, grab a couple of your girlfriends and join us! This retreat is open to all women!



Sarah Markley and Elizabeth Hunnicutt, a Compassion artist, will be joining us at this location from California. Gina Johnson and I will be sharing, too. There's going to be a fun photo shoot with Vanessa Kruse, owner of Flourish Studio Photography. We'll have Faithful Workouts involved, along with Holy Yoga. We have book giveaways from local and national authors, as well as "My Husband Rocks" t-shirts to give away from Union 28, a group that advertised with us on "The Well Radio Show", as well as jewelry giveaways.

It's going to be a great weekend, but of course, space is limited due to our desire to keep it intimate. So, head here to read more and to register on-line. Registration ends on May 6th as the retreat center needs our final numbers, but that gives you 2.5 days, so that's plenty of time!