Sweet Chorus of Chaos!

Setting:  Suburbia, one of the best towns to live in USA, kitchen/nook/great room, 36 animal flash cards strewn about, 37 large Lego's also strewn, 2 baskets of clean unfolded laundry, one counter top covered with after school paraphernalia, another counter top covered in veggies for food prep, cup stacking mat and florescent green cups in center of kitchen table, the other 14 animal flash cards stuck upright in long crack of old schoolhouse kitchen table, 3 squashed grapes on floor, 4 pieces of paper with crayon sketched nay nays and moo moos on floor under table, left side of sink filled with clean dishes, right side stacked up to Jesus with dirty ones.

Characters:  One 10 year old 5th grade girl who rides the fence of wanting to be a little kid and a young lady; one 2 year old boy who knows the sound of every animal on the planet (or at least his 50 flash cards) who also, incidentally, had a temp of 102.5 earlier today which broke during his nap which woke him up early which plays a key role in his behavior in this particular setting; one 40 year old mom just trying to make dinner; one beautiful 30 year old friend who was gracious enough to endure the setting, characters, plot, conflict, and lack of resolution, who also brought fabulous fresh berries for dessert; one 4 pound black and brown full grown Maltipoo with a quarter pound bark collar on her neck who still yips and yaps regardless of said collar.  (Character NOT in play: suburban dad/hubby...)

Plot/Exposition:  40 year old mom who has had one shower this week would love to enjoy adult interaction with 30 year old friend (since suburban husband can't hang out on phone while overseas on work trip) while making a yummy dinner for all characters involved, then to tuck animal loving 2 year old into bed early since his fever from the night before had kept him and said 40 year old mom awake until 1:30 am, and tuck in 10 year old daughter because those moments are so great for old mom's heart, and finally to finish up chatting with young, beautiful, energetic 30 year old girlfriend who has no wrinkles.

Conflict:  Little boy wants his dinner now, not when hazelnut and herb crusted salmon, sauteed squash, mushrooms, and broccoli are finished, but EN. OH. DOUBLE YOU.  NOW!  Exhausted but not completely worn thin 40 year old mom who did get in a 1 1/2 hour yoga routine today gets mushrooms done first, then zucchini, then finally broccoli...Bubbly awesome young friend cuts peels off apple slices for little boy who is yelling, "Opples!  Opples!  Moose!  Moose!  Nay Nays!  Nay Nays!  Moy!  Moy!"  5th grade girl is on front porch reading because it's part of her homework, however, could be helping saute SOMETHING!  Little boy without a fever but with lots of energy dumps plate of leftovers on his freshly cleaned hair and shouts, "DONE!  DONE!  DONE!  MOOSE!  MOO MOO!  CAMEL!"  Needy, but sweet, 4 lb dog sitting by front door where her 10 year old master sits just inches on the other side.

Ongoing Internal Conflict:  Smelly shower-less 40 year old mom keeps eye-balling the half bottle of red wine in the refrigerator, all the while thinking if she just drank it, it would calm the chaos, or at least take the edge off...but said mom knows better than to drink alone since gorgeous helpful 30 year old is on a cleanse so red and white and tequila and all other indulgences are off limits.  And then 40 year old mom snaps to and remembers she's detoxing, too, so that's the end of that internal conflict.

Continued Conflict:  Truly, truly, an inability for either grown-up to complete any given thought or sentence or story or...

• In the MIDDLE of dinner, "Hey, can I show you guys a hand stand?"
• "Moo moo!  Nay Nay!  Done!"
• "I'm so sorry you had to go to a funeral..."
• "Do I have to eat all of this lettuce?"
• "Ooooh, Mommy!  Juice!"
• "Can I have chocolate when I am done?"
• "So were you able to spend time with family or see...?"
• "Um, before it gets too dark will you guys come out in the backyard and watch me do a hand stand?"
• "Moy!  Moy!  Moy!  Moy num nums!"
• "Done!  Done!  Moose!  Done!"
• "Can you send chocolate in my lunch tomorrow?"

Climax:  While piecing together the scene and series of events, 30 year old amazing helper friend with great hair and arms says to mom whose head has collapsed onto old schoolhouse table in an attempt for a solo retreat, "I think I'm starting to piece together why you asked me earlier to pray for you and God's purpose in your life...I will definitely be praying for that, friend."

Resolution:  10 year old clears dishes from the table after asking politely if she may be excused, then proceeds to do a fabulous hand stand in back yard.  2 year old escapes out the back door into backyard and does somersault while saying hi to the neighboring woof woofs.  Faithful and selfless 30 year old friend cleans the kitchen, the way her 40 year old friend would clean it.  Amazingly strong yoga momma climbs stairs with 27 pound 2 year old in her arms and has success on 2nd attempt to tuck in said toddler, albeit 2.5 hours after first attempt.  5th grade girl gets ready for bed, including feeding/watering/pottying of furry friend, without being asked by Super Mom who is still dressed in all black from working as a secret agent with the CIA, uh, doing yoga 8 hours earlier and smelling like it.

I love my best friend of 22 years, 19 of them married...

I love my nose-picking toddler..

I love backyard nudity...

I love being shot with water guns by my 10 year old...

*Note water drips from being shot...

I love that, thankfully, colored hair extensions and feather earrings aren't moral issues...

I love Gary the Cowboy who let me shoot off a little steam recently..

I love that my toddler can say words like:  "Done!  Moose!  Nay Nay!"

I love the beautiful gracious gift of God who has taught me so much over the last 10 years...

I love that even though she is growing up, she still wanted to have a tea party at American Girl...

I love being a mom.  I really do.  I mean it.

And I love being a wife.  I really do.  I mean it.

These are two hats I wear and two roles I'd like to think I play decently, at least in my family.

However, what if I had never gotten married or what if I'd never had kids.

Who would I be?  

Not like, "Oh, I wish I hadn't!" or "What am I missing out on?" This isn't a mid-life crisis question or anything like that.

BUT:  Before I was a mom I was a wife.  And before I was a wife, I was a young woman...one with dreams and passions and ideas, some of which have really and truly come true...namely: Jason, Em, Noah, and Ryan.  Others that seem they are so covered in dust and cobweb perhaps on their way to fossilization. 

The other night before my husband was leaving for a week-long trip to the Dominican Republic for his job with Compassion International, which incidentally is my dream job since I was in college of traveling the world, working with nationals in country to reach their countrymen, and help women and children...we were just laying in bed talking for a few minutes after the house was finally quiet.

I said, "You know, buying a sports car, getting a tattoo, or having an affair are obvious mid-life crisis symptoms.  I don't want any of those things, but I can't even begin to tell you how out of my element I feel lately.  Your job is literally my dream job, I'm not coveting it, but it's crazy that you are living out my passion for missions.  And then I love to write but haven't written anything in forever and haven't felt inspired to write, or even read anything, either.  I mean, I love my Bible and have been reading that tons and actually, the only writing I've been doing is with pen and paper, writing scriptures, but it's like for the first time in years, I have nothing to say or convey.  And, I feel like I'm supposed to encourage other women but don't even know where to begin, and the truth is, I really MISS encouraging women and being used in that way.  I know I am supposed to be a wife and mom, and I love those things very much, I am not sure if I remember what I love or am good at in addition to that anymore...I just want to be faithful with the gifts and strengths God has given me, however I don't really know what they are at this given moment."

This isn't discontent or dissatisfaction with my life.  I love my life.  I am so very grateful to God for each person and every blessing.  Believe me, we talk about our thousands and thousands of gifts, and write lists of gratitude...

Presently I simply feel purposeless.  Do you ever feel that way?  And if so, do you have encouragement of how to become un-purposeless?

Blockbuster

Have you ever sat through a movie trailer that intrigued you enough to want to go see it?  If you answered, "yes," that's the point.  It's meant to draw you in so you can learn the whole story.

And then the feature film starts rolling.  The lights are dimmed, you have your goodies in hand, and everyone has silenced their phones, except that one guy.  You sit there, let's say for 20 minutes of this 2 hour feature length presentation, and the plot is building, you are sucked in, and the thought of having to leave even to go to the bathroom you stave off by tightly crossing your legs and denying yourself any more sips of your beverage...you just don't want to miss out on the story about to be revealed.  

Now imagine at the 25 minute mark the lights switch on and the theater manager walks into the packed venue and states, "That's it, people.  The director and producer had big dreams and every intention for this film to be a complete story, but the actors and crew quit showing up after only two weeks of shooting.  So, anyway, we hope you enjoyed the part you were able to see.  Have a good night and thanks for coming..."

I suspect there would be some disgruntled patrons, to say the least.

Imagine if that's what life is like when we don't want to tell our story, don't think it's important to tell, or are waiting for the unlovely, difficult parts to pass before we share.

There is a bigger picture.  We may not know or understand all the details, but it is a story which is unfolding every single day around the world.  A story being told through our lives.  The God of the whole Universe, who loves us with every part of His heart, desires to express His love for all creation through the telling of our stories.  

Because He made us...on purpose.

Can you imagine a world where we stop comparing ourselves to those around us, wishing our lives were a little more like theirs and instead began telling our stories, laced with all the imperfection, pain, and beauty, for the good of God's bigger story?

It's time we all stop cheating the world of who God designed us to be.

It's time to start living the story.


(Here's a little taste of what God's put on my heart.  You'll find out more when I launch my non-profit, soon and very soon...)

Little BIG Feet

If you don't know how much I love feet, scroll down to the bottom of this page...I'll wait...

Okay.  So, let me clarify, because by "love feet" I want to make sure it's clear which ones I mean:

• NOT stinky, sweaty, hairy, scaly ones
• BUT YES to: chewy, teeny, tiny, pink, plump, yummy ones

But seriously, I love the symbolism of feet.  Genetically we were designed to have two.  Whether we all have two or not, and whether they "work" or function as intended, doesn't disqualify us for the symbolism of feet or not.

You see, you, or someone you know, may have really big feet or small, petite ones, but it's the footprint you leave that will make the lasting impression. 

Five years ago when Noah died, he had the smallest feet in the family, simply speaking size here.  However, his teeny, tiny, chewy, yummy, sweet little feet left the biggest footprint on my heart.  His little BIG feet caused me to re-evaluate life on many levels and got these size 8's on the move.  Not just to move around and add chaos to the world, but on the move to start living the way I was intended and Designed to live.

Do I do it right all the time?  Nope.  I'm a student on this earth...

I just met another mom that loves feet.  And by "loves feet" I'm not so sure Chelsea loves them the same way I describe above, but it's clear she loves the journey and makes the most of her treasured times with her husband and their 3 sons.  And though from reading her blog I can tell she loved them well prior to meeting her most recent little BIG feet, it seems, once again, that a sweet little boy with teeny, tiny, yummy toes has "walked" into her heart and brought about even more joy, life and perspective, through love and heartache.

I was able to meet Trek and his Mommy and Daddy yesterday here in Colorado.  I even got to snuggle her little lover in my arms for a brief moment, trying to give Chelsea a chance to eat her breakfast, but Trek knows his mama and I handed him back into her loving arms.

Trek needs your prayers.  And so do his parents.  And his big brothers.  And their family. 

I have a crush on him, I'm not going to lie.  He is one handsome guy who gave me a few smiles and just reading about how he came into the world and how his life is inspiring others to live, well, you can't help but get a bit wrapped around his cute little toes.

Trek has a genetic disorder, one they tested Noah for.  His parents are so brave and strong!  They are going to spend his beautiful days here on earth building memories as a family.  As they do, please keep them all in your prayers!

The size of your feet do not matter...it's the kind of footprints you leave here on earth that make a lasting impression!

And by "Busy" I mean...

This guy keeps me on my toes. He's napping now which has allowed me this brief moment to post a few pics and random thoughts.

This is his cupboard.

See.  He actually sleeps in there.  Kidding, kidding!  But it is his cupboard where, if he's not reading a book, throwing the dog her ball, trying to climb the stairs and walking around things, he's pulling out the unbreakable contents of this designated cupboard.

This drawer, the napkin drawer, and by "napkin" I mean 500, was not a designated drawer...except we hadn't put the latch on it yet, so Ryan found it and designated it napkin party central!

These are actually Jason's shooting ear pluggy cover thingamaboppers, but Emily likes to put them on once in a while to drown out "background noise" aka, her little brother...Ryan just likes to put them on to look like a recording artist...or Bob the Builder...

When my little lover is contained in his booster chair, I'm able to breathe deep for the brief amount of time it takes for him to snarf down his food before he's onto the next adventure.

I can't imagine life without him!  I am so grateful God has allowed us the life we have lived thus far, the good, bad and ugly, in order to have met the kids we have, the one we don't anymore, and to gain the perspective that even in the day to day mundane, there is beauty, laughter, and meaning.

Okay, except that wasn't what I was going to post :)  But I'll leave it at that.  Grateful.  Thankful.  Busy but with good stuff.  Finding joy in the day to day.  Asking God to lead me by His Spirit so I'm not just doing things to do them or to please others, but to glorify God and walk in obedience to Him.   

Yeah, that...

The number of our days

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

Psalm 139:13-16

So I've been thinking lately how worked up I got when the doctors said that Noah was going to die. I thought I believed that God's word was true and that only He could number our days. Unfortunately, I believed it the way I wanted to believe it...I thought that only a few months was no life at all and that since our family has more longevity than we know what to do with, that Noah would live against all odds well into his 90's. Obviously, I didn't believe God's word. I interpreted it for my own use...let me tell you, a lot of churches do. But that's another post...

You see, if I really believe God is the Author of all truth, that there isn't a lying bone in His body, then I must believe that regardless of the standard age expectancy of man, 7 months and 2 days were the "days ordained for me (Noah) were written in your book before one of them came to be."

So, I think about how many people have heard the words, "You have 3 months to live" or "You have stage 1, 2, 3, 4 and have such and such amount of time" or "Your baby has this condition and will not live outside the womb" or "Unless you get a transplanted body part, you won't make it to your next birthday ", etc., etc. I could go on and on. I realize that the physicians are not trying to blow sunshine or give false hope, but my heart here is to encourage anyone reading that humans are not God and have not ordained any one persons number of days. What I am saying, though, is that God will sometimes use humans to 'enlighten' us to a general time frame. What we do with that information is really up to us...

I'm having a hard time getting across what has been on my heart, but flow with me here...I have met, or known of, many people who have been told that their life was going to end in such and such amount of time. For the most part, they find a renewed sense of hope, even in their grief, and reason for living than they had been experiencing doing the daily grind up until that point. All of a sudden, the life they thought was so great and valuable actually has value...it's actually a treasured life to live instead of one to endure. Things that were important take on new meaning. Life changes. Perspective is altered. Because of those, I have been inspired. For others, however, despair sets in. The reality of death is paralyzing. "No, I don't want to die!" "I don't want so and so to die!" The one absolute in life, death, is knocking at one's door and most would try to do anything to keep it at bay. Except He ordains our days...

I, for one, have lived too many days without eternal perspective. Jesus said He was coming back soon. Granted, that was over 2000 years ago so some might not be in the habit of waiting for His glorious return. Life has gone on and people are busy...But, if God were to say that on such and such a day He was returning in all His glory, how might you live?

The reality is, all our days are ordained. God has said He is returning on such and such a day but we have not yet been informed of it. As a result, we get comfortable. I get comfortable. "Oh, surely that won't happen in my lifetime" or "I don't know when Jesus is coming back, so I have time to do such and such..." Imagine what your life would look like if you only had X amount of days...Imagine. God has blessed us each with gifts and talents, resources and passions. We do only have X amount of days.

Imagine what our lives could look like if we lived like they weren't our lives at all...